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You can't breathe.
You don't have to breathe. It's not that important. It's not hurting anything.
Everything is peaceful. Eerily peaceful, but not unpleasant as many other things.. it's better than daytime television or the am radio stations you listen to pretending you have any sort of opinion on whatever they're talking about.
But it doesn't feel the way peace should. It's not right. Everything is grainy at the edges - nothing is certain. Anything that floats by your vision is only half-there.
There's light, though. You're looking right at it but it doesn't hurt your eyes like you think it should.
You try and call out "Hello?," but your voice is caught in your chest. your heart starts beating faster as your lungs burn - maybe they've been burning for a while, but you can't tell. They feel like they've been on fire for longer than you've noticed. Darkness sneaks up and around either side of you, pulling you away from the light.
No.
No, it's not pulling.
You're not going anywhere. You're still suspended in the same dull limbo you've been stuck in for what seems like a series of eternities. The darkness is moving. It's growing, moving higher and stealing away the warmth. It slithers around you, holding you in place as it slowly swallows up the last of the light while it makes you watch.
Everything begins to shake.
You're frantic in reaching, trying to grasp on to anything but nothing's there. You want to cry but your mind is too busy trying to understand the sudden change.
There's a blaring repetitious roar that's sounding and shaking your entirety. It keeps going, and something touches you.
You turn to try and see what it is but you're met with only more emptiness in the cold, dark, thundering abyss.
Regina... Regina you...
She woke with a start, immediately clamping her hand over her heaving chest, willing her heart to slow it's beating.
"Regina." Graham elbowed her, not hard enough to be rough, but enough to be a rude awakening. "Would you get the alarm?"
"Ye-" Her voice was hoarse and felt rough in her throat.
Instead of answering Regina rolled over out of his reach and hit the largest button on the alarm clock and closed her eyes again. She tried gulping down the taste in her mouth but it wouldn't remove itself that easily.
With a few more deep breaths she was able to push herself upright, swinging her feet off her side of the bed.
She frowned, thinking at least she slept through the rest of the night after she checked on Henry for the second time.
And like every morning there was the familiar pit in her stomach, one that sat there and held it's stubborn head high as it ate away at what she felt she was before. She still felt like herself, but a muffled, pinned version that was still - in essence - her. But it was only a tiny piece of the woman she felt she knew she could be. And the worst part of it was, she didn't understand where along the line she lost all of what she had worked so hard for started slipping away. One moment her son loved her, the man she carefully chose to involve herself with was enamored with her, and her career was peaceful and ran smoothly.
Now everything seemed dull.
Henry seemed to despise being around her, though nothing else seemed in her life seemed to change.
Maybe it was just her? Maybe age was starting to settle over her early and life was beginning to end?
Regina sat there until the alarm started screaming again before turning it off. She gave a large sigh and leaned over to Graham. "It's time to wake up." She said gently with a rehearsed kiss to the scruff on his face.
She grabbed her robe on the way out of the room and secured the tie walking down the hall to her sons room.
"Henry?" She knocked on the door, it consequently falling open the slightest bit.
There he laid with a comic book draped over his chest and his blankets only coming up to his knees.
She came in with a smile on her face, taking the comic away gently and smoothing messy hair back. "Henry... honey, how much sleep did you get?"
The little boy's eyes clamped shut almost as soon as he opened them. He coward away from the light from his window, pulling away from his mother's touch at the same time. "No mom!" he shook his head, grasping at covers.
Regina stopped his hands from pulling the spider man sheet up. "No, you have school - let's go." She rubbed his back as he turned away from her.
"I don't care. I'm not going." He said, grumpily.
"Of course you are, Henry." Her tone roughened a notch. "I'll start the shower for you. You have two minutes."
Henry growled into his wrists as he rubbed his eyes.
"Listen to your mother." Graham stood in the doorway with his arms folded.
The brunette turned her head giving him a look.
"You're not my parents. I don't need to listen to you." Henry whined, scooting further to the edge of his bed.
"Henry-"
"Just because you found the chick who gave you up doesn't mean she's not your mother, young man!"
"Graham!" Regina, pushed him out of the room, closing the door behind them. "Stop. He's-"
"He's being a brat. You need to punish him."
"He's just waking up! He can be a little snappy - lord knows you are."
"What about him running away?"
Regina folded her arms, shaking her head at him. "I'm not talking about this now."
She tried to walk by him but he grabbed her by the arm. "You don't want to talk about it last night, and not this morning, then when?"
"When I think he's ready-"
"He's a child, Regina - he doesn't make the rules."
She yanked her arm away, nodding. "You're right, he doesn't. I do." She glared at him. "I am his mother and I think we have some things to work through before we go changing things in his life more. Adjusting to this woman being here-"
"Isn't as important as you still demonstrating you're his parent. By punishing him."
Regina rolled her eyes. "I'm making coffee. Don't go back into his room."
Graham sighed, his shoulders slumping as she started down the stares. "Regina, can-"
"Would you start the shower for him, please?"
She didn't wait for an answer as she went the rest of the way to the kitchen, but heard the shower going a moment later. Regina knew he was only trying to help, but his way of helping only seemed to cause more friction. And friction between her and her son didn't need any helping.. it seemed to be doing just fine on it's own.
Her fingers came to rest heavily on the bridge on her nose. Maybe it was the morning. Maybe it was the weight on her shoulders that never seemed to leave? Maybe it was everything and nothing in particular... but Regina wanted to crawl back into bed and rewind to when life seemed like a simple linear path that was just watching Henry grow, when the bumps in the road weren't quite so large.
But bumps there were, and she needed to smooth them out with as much calm and control as possible on her part.
She picked up the phone, clearing her throat as she dialed.
"Hello. Could you patch me through to Grannie's Inn, please?"
Well... at least the waitress was hot.
Emma couldn't remember the last time she was in a place like this. It seemed so small-town comfort compared to anything she'd come by in a long time. And she wouldn't lie - it was just weird. She wanted someone to yell at someone else for getting too close to their food or a homeless person to be mumbling in the corner so it felt more like she was just one of the nobodies in there... but no one was nobody to anyone in this place. Everyone smiled, because this damn town was too small for anyone to not know another person. Which was probably why she got so many eyes on the way in. And as people walked to their tables.
The chick with slightly gothic looking red streaks in her hair that took her order was polite enough not to make it a topic of small talk as she walked her over to a booth, but it was obvious she was curious.
Which made Emma feel awkward.
Not that that stopped her from admiring the leather-clad ass that strutted behind the counter afterward.
Other than the waitress though, this place was just unpleasant. And by unpleasant she meant so pleasant that it made her teeth hurt. Like too much candy and not enough water.
"Miss Swan."
Emma's head snapped up as Regina sat down, grinning like a child.
"Hey.." She said, brilliantly.
Regina smiled. "How was your first night in Storybrooke?"
"It was fine." She nodded. "It was quiet.. something I'm not used to."
"No?" Regina, looked over to the waitress nodding.
Emma looked over in time to see her roll her eyes before she scampered back into the kitchen.
"What level of volume are you used to in the evening hours?" Her brow furrowed.
It was all she could do not to have her eyes pop out of her head. Did she mean to say she thought she said?
Regina's hand went to cover her mouth. "That's not what I meant."
Emma laughed.
"I wu-wasn't referring to anything... anything of your pr-pri-private nature." She shook her head as her face picked up hues of pink and red.
"You sure."
"Yes, I am quite sure."
Regina's eyes remained wide and fixed on something on the table she was desperately trying to scratch off with her thumb nail but couldn't seem to get.
"Hey.." Emma waved a hand.
The brunette finally looked up, ease wearing slowly into her features.
"It's fine, lady." She shrugged. "I've made dirtier jokes intentionally, so don't sweat it." She winked.
After blinking a few times, the mayor nodded shortly. "Well.."
"The kid okay?" Emma offered, changing the subject for her.
Regina took a breath, sweeping hair away from her face. "He's... he's a bit difficult at the moment."
"Yeah?"
"He's at an age..." Her facial expression changed before looking back at the other woman. "My son is very much a typical boy of his age."
Emma shrugged. "I wouldn't know." Her tone was matter of fact - just the way she felt. She didn't want to make this lady think that she was trying to take over in any way. "He seems alright to me. Sure - he's sure as hell brave for getting all the way to the city by himself."
"Yes, we talked about that."
"How much trouble is he in?"
Regina opened her mouth as though she were about to say something, before closing it and giving only a polite smile. "That's not why I asked you here, Miss Swan."
Emma raised an eyebrow and felt some butterflies. "It's not?... I mean you didn't want to talk about the kid."
"Of course I.. I want to speak of Henry..." Her shoulders fell. "I want to talk about making a plan of sorts."
"A plan?"
"I would like to set a course of action, with you, so that we're on the same page as to how to handle the situation."
Emma just started to nod when the waitress came back, setting black coffee and toast in front of Regina before placing the cocoa in front of her.
"Thank you, Ruby."
"Uhm.. I asked for cinnamon on top, too..." Emma pointed to the naked whipped cream setting on top of the hot drink.
"Right." She pranced back to the counter, searching behind the bar.
Regina's face twisted in suspicion. "What's that."
"Hot cocoa, with whipped cream.." Emma started.
Ruby sprinkled the cinnamon on top of the beverage, "and cinnamon on top!"
"Thanks.. Ruby?"
"Anytime." And with a wink she was back to hurrying around the diner.
When Emma looked back, the mayor was looking at the cup of cocoa with a strange look.
She tilted her head, trying to get the other woman's attention. "Is this not that good here?" She asked, motioning to her drink.
Regina's eyes snapped up. "No.. No, it's-uhm.." She scratched her nose hesitantly. "Henry orders that almost every time we come here."
"Oh.."
There were a few moments of strange silence, both of them staring at the drink as though it would perform a trick for them if they looked at it for long enough. Emma kept feeling like she should say something, but all that came to mind were crappy compliments. She didn't want to hit on the lady who was raising her kid - that seemed way too awkward... like a fucked up 'Parent Trap' sequel. But she didn't really have anything else...
"You have really nice hair...?"
Nope.
Whatever she was supposed to say there, she knew that wasn't it.
Regina's eyebrows hit the ceiling as her mouth dropped open.
And just as Emma was about to shrink back into her seat and mumble some kind of apology, the brunette burst into laughter, an open grin taking over her face and making her eyes light up.
Emma smiled on instinct alone, both thankful she didn't break some unspoken rule and because she was absolutely mesmerized by the woman in front of her. It was completely different from when she first turned to her the night before after Henry ran into the house. This was like looking the sun in the face without it hurting your eyes - like feeling it on your skin at a day at the beach. Emma felt a little laughter bubble out of her mouth.
"Well.." Regina caught her breath. "..I suppose that's one way to end an uncomfortable silence."
She shrugged. "You're welcome."
The mayor suppressed another smile before clearing her throat. "So, back to the plan."
"Right - plan."
She folded her hands in her lap. "I think we should meet with Henry's therapist, just you and I, after his session on Thursday."
"Thursday?"
Regina nodded. "That's when his appointments are."
"But that's three days from now?"
"...Yes?"
"Oh." Emma nodded and faked a shrug. "Right.. of course. Sure, that sounds fine." Inside she was thinking more 'Damn it damn it damn it... I don't think I trust myself around her for that long...'
"Were you hoping to leave sooner than that." A different kind of suspicion flashed over her face that when she was looking at the cocoa before.
"Well, ya know, I don't really see myself as being in his life?" She played with her fingernails under the table. "I wasn't supposed to be a mom - or his mom. I don't want to screw him up over being around me any more than I already have."
It almost looked like hurt washed over the brunette's features, but it was gone as soon as Emma could pick up on it. But she nodded. "I see."
Emma rested her elbows on the table. "But, listen.. I'm willing to go along with whatever you have planned." She tried her best not to tumble into the big brown eyes that made her mouth all dry and hands all sweaty. "I mean, you're the parent and I don't want to leave you here with a mess to deal with by yourself."
"I just want to get Dr. Hopper's opinion on what would be best." She gulped, pulling out small cup of jam from the little iron holder in the middle of the table. "But perhaps I should ask if you'd even be interested in continue a... visitational relationship with Henry.." She glanced up for just a moment before getting a knife to apply the jam to her toast. "If it were what was best for him."
Emma let out a long sigh, then took a drink. "Uhm... I guess so? Like a once a month kinda thing?" She nodded, overall unsure. "I mean, if I couldn't make it... then letters? Or phone calls? I just-I.. I don't think he should call me mom or anything, or think of me as his parent, I don't think that's right or that that should ever happen."
"Miss Swan, I-"
"Emma." She shook her head, sitting back in her seat, feeling a shaky sickness creep into her stomach. "Can you call me Emma, I feel like an old lady when you call me Miss Swan, it's weird."
"I-I'm sorry... Emma.." She looked back down to her toast. "I would never encourage that. I agree that I am his parent. That's not about to change. All I'm concerned with is that Henry doesn't feel abandoned or less than because you don't want to stay in his life, especially after you've met him." She looked back up, making eye contact and making Emma extremely uncomfortable in the process. "I don't want him to feel like he's not worth loving. Because he is. He is a wonderful boy and I love him very much. It would kill me to see him hurt."
Emma just looked at her for a moment, feeling the weight of responsibility drop on her shoulders almost immediately. It was all she could do to nod.
Regina straightened her back. "Now, I feel obligated to ask about his father as well... if you're willing to talk about him."
"You don't have to worry," Emma shrugged. She was much quieter than before, almost holding herself with the sudden change she knew her life had just taken. "..he doesn't really exist." She shook her head. "It could have been any number of guys. I got pregnant when I was seventeen, and I was a pretty stupid kid. I made a lot of fucked up decisions."
"I'm not here to judge you for your past, I'm only-"
"Trying to figure out where your kid is from... right. I get it." She shook her head. "But where he's from I don't want to go back to." She took another drink and looked out the window to anything. "Look, there's no father on the birth certificate because I didn't know who he was and honestly whatever scum bag knocked me up isn't worth finding anyway."
Regina only nodded, holding her mouth in a disappointed line.
Emma looked back to her. "What?"
"Nothing... I, just.." She let out a small huff of hair. "I was only asking so that I was prepared if Henry tried to find him as well."
"There's no one to find."
"Yes, you've made that clear."
Regina took a bite of her toast and Emma just watched, feeling stupid and lonely, and like she was the last person in the world who should be involved in a kid's life. She felt awful just sitting there, not knowing how to go about talking to someone who was obviously much more of a real adult that she was. And what did she do? Fold her arms and grumble like a little kid - sure, that showed just how adult she was.
So she said something she hadn't said and meant for a long time.
"I'm sorry..."
The brunette shook her head. "Don't be."
"No, I'm here acting like a teenager and I should try to be adult about all this..."
"It's a difficult situation." Regina smiled lightly.
"Yeah." Emma nodded. And in that moment with the woman who should be having a harder time than her trying to give her some variety of comfort by empathizing with her, she grew up just a little bit. "Whatever's best for the kid."
As Regina's smile grew at the edges, softening her eyes.
And between the way the brunette was looking at her, the butterflies, and feeling like she was kind of becoming an adult, Emma wanted to run out of the diner as soon as she could and find the nearest real bar and forget that the last twenty four hours happened. Shit was changing in her mind and hear heart and she knew it, and it scared her like nothing else could.
"Uhm.." Regina blinked, seeming as though she were trying to hide a grin, and started straightening her napkin, her plate - anything to have an excuse to not look at her. "I'm glad we're on the same page."
Emma shrugged. "Yeah, for sure..."
"I should get to work, though.." She pulled a zip-lock bag from her purse to put the toast in.
"Oh my god."
"What?"
Emma laughed. "You're really a mom... prepped with plastic baggies in your purse and everything."
And there it was - that brilliantly bright smile that Emma felt like she was controlled by. Even only seeing it the few times she had, it made her want to stop time and relax into it for a little while, take a little refuge in something genuine.
"I do what I can." Her eyes flashed bashfully up at the blonde, making her cheeks flush pink.
The younger woman bit her lip and took a deep breath.
"Now, I must be off, but... thank you," Regina got up and put her hand out to the blonde. "I'm glad we could come to an agreement." Her voice was softer than that of something that should have been more a matter of business.
In turn, Emma took her hand and shook it slowly, holding her breath as their eyes met again.
What was it about her that made her feel like everything was slower and sweeter with this woman close? It was annoyingly nerve wracking, and one of the most exhilarating feelings Emma could remember.
"Yeah.. of course." She said in a weak voice.
"I'll.. be in touch." Regina started to walk away slowly.
Emma help up one hand and a small smile. "See ya soon."
As the brunette walked out the door, the wind sweeping her hair and her frame bobbing up and down gracefully with each step made Emma want to giggle and puke at the same time.
This was wrong. This was all wrong and she needed to get out of this whole fucked up situation as fast as she could.
She wouldn't fuck things up for other people just because she had a crush on the most inappropriate person possible.
And there she was - grinning like a fool as she walked down the streets she knew better than the back of her hand. She couldn't even bring herself to remember the discomfort of this morning, and not by choice, but by the honest distraction from the way her head felt lighter than her feet, which seemed to be all but walking on air. There was a distinct flutter of happiness she hadn't felt in the longest time running through her. Everything around her seemed a little brighter, a little stronger than she remembered them being.
Regina tried to let her mind wander, but it kept falling back to the blonde. She couldn't understand her way of thinking - she'd never met anyone like her. There hadn't ever been anyone in town that was anything less than vividly average.
Not Emma. She wasn't sleeping, she was wide awake to her world, and that was something Regina didn't think she'd ever experienced. She had always felt like she was spending moment after moment walking lazily from one chapter of her life to another.
Of course, Henry was the light and the joy that she depended on and was happy to provide for and give her unconditional love, but that love went unrequited for the most part, all but forcing her to dull her senses to the pain of the one person she gave her all to have. She would do anything for that little boy and he wanted nothing to do with her. It was only as ill fitting as it could be that the woman who gave birth to him would be the one to fill her with an excitement that was more foreign to her than the idea of the places she'd only ever read about. And that was both beautifully refreshing and profoundly terrifying.
Somehow even after turning over her breakfast with the blonde, Regina couldn't make the last jump to what she was undeniably feeling.
The reality and absurdity of the notion was too much - so it went unintentionally ignored for the time being.
((Forgot to give credit to "There Goes the Fear" by Doves, the song Emma was singing to herself in the last chapter.))
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