"Oh, ok" Dr. Hart smiled "do you get along well with Brittany?"
"Yeah, were pretty much best friends" I smiled.
"So, do you believe that she is something positive in your life?"
"Y-yes o-of course" I stammered, I mean yeah, she was the only positive thing in my life but was she was causing me to realize the most negative aspects of it.
She eyed me curiously. "You seem unsure"
"I-I'm sure, there is no question about it" Damn it Santana! Stop stammering! I inwardly cursed myself.
"Santana, it seems I may have hit a bump in the road with you and I don't want to make you feel rushed or uncomfortable here. So, for me to understand more about you, let's go back a little to understand and evaluate how your life has changed." She eyed me softly, I felt sorta powerless under her gaze.
"Did my…" I trailed off "Yes, your mom said that you had changed a lot since high school started".
"Oh, of course" I said rudely.
"Santana, don't feel pressured, I just want to talk to you and help you" Dr. Hart looked at me in a concerned way.
I exhaled "Well after middle school, I decided that I really wanted to be in the Cheerios. I mean, I had always enjoyed dance so I figured that cheerleading was a good way to be active in school and make new friends."
"And what about becoming a Cheerio really changed you as a person? That seemed to be what changed you, from what you said. But, Santana, what about it altered you?" This is it, getting down to some pretty personal stuff here.
"Brittany" I blurted without thinking. Shit, shit, shit! "I mean, she i-is just such a great friend and um, I'd never really had a friend quite like her…" Oh yeah, that was true in more ways than one way.
"So do you feel she may have changed you so drastically, that it has made others think you weren't even… you anymore?"
I was at a loss for words, it all hurt so much. On the outside I was Santana Lopez, beautiful, witty and a bitch. On the inside, I was scared, hurt, hopelessly in love, and the cause was my not-so-new-found sexuality. When Dr. Hart kept looking at me, expecting an explanation as to why I am so defiant and different, all of my walls fell down. I couldn't hold back the waterfalls of tears spilling over my perfectly bronzed cheeks. I closed my eyes tight, hoping to open them and find that this was all a nightmare. But when I opened them, I was looking at Dr. Hart again.
"Santana, I will listen to whatever you say and pose no judgment" she handed me a tissue box.
I wiped my eyes, careful not to smudge my eye makeup. I couldn't hide anymore. I had to talk to someone. "Well, during sophomore year, we realized we could do a lot more than makeup at sleepovers but we never carried any emotions with or actions." I paused breathing heavily.
"So you're saying, you discovered sex could be something for you two to do?" There was no judgment or disgust in her voice, just curiosity.
"Um, y-y-yeah. We never really were anything except best friends aside from that time, I still dated guys and slept with them and Brittany did the same. But, during the early spring of this year, my junior year, she started really questioning what our relationship meant and she doesn't usually do things such as that. It made me think deeply about things that I tried to push away. What I realized, as a person, is that I w-was a lesbian." I exhaled a sharp breath and Dr. Hart nodded as I continued "After I collected myself, I confided in her what she really m-meant to me. Brittany did feel the same way but she had a boyfriend at the time…and it really threw me off kilter that I was so stuck. Stuck loving someone who wasn't able to be with me and if we did express that love anywhere except privacy, we would be made fun of, laughed at, bullied and even targets of h-h-hate crimes.." I wiped a tear away. "Her and her boyfriend broke up though and um, she gave me an opportunity to go to prom with her and it was what I had been waiting for but I got so scared of the repercussions at the last minutes and backed out. Now, our relationship is extremely strained." I finished, not sure of what else to say.
"Santana, thank you so much for telling me this, do you feel this is why you are so different, because you are struggling with your sexuality?" Dr. Hart asked me caringly.
"Y-yes." I stated softly.
"You know, you are not alone. Many people encounter this crisis. Aside from me, do you feel there is someone that you can really confide in that could understand your situation?"
I pondered and an imaginary light bulb lit up above my head. "Yeah, um, I have a friend named Kurt who is also gay and he went through this and well…he still is…but he is proud of who he is." I looked downward, ashamed that I had just admitted to my low self confidence.
She seemed to notice "Santana, it was probably just as hard for him as you, and what you're saying is he is more proud of who he is. Maybe, he felt it was easier to accept himself rather than worry about trying to change who he is. I think it would be mentally healthy if you tried to discover all that is great about yourself and who you are, because the girl I see here is very tough and has a lot of walls up around her heart that, if they came down, would reveal a very special and wonderful girl. If people choose to beat you down for, they're not worth it."
"Thank you" I smiled "but, I think I-I need to go now" I hopped up and ran out the door. I slowed as I noticed my parents in the waiting room. They looked up and grinned. "So how-"I cut my mom off. "I need to go home, now. You and dad can stay and do your therapy but I just need to have some time alone. I can walk from here, it's not that far." I looked at her waiting for a yes. "Ok, but be safe." I jogged out as fast as I could as tears streamed down my face. I knew what I needed and it wasn't home.
I approached McKinley High as the sun began to set. I went to the side door that opened to the auditorium and used a bobby pin to open the lock. Ok, so I've jimmied a few locks in my time...finally I got the door open. As if I was being watched, I checked all around me to make sure no one was there.
I made my walk up to the stage slowly, taking in the sight of the cushioned red seats, the dimly lit floors and finally the place I wanted to be. As always a black grand piano stood proudly slightly off center toward the left side of the stage, if you looked at it from an audience point of view. I sat cautiously on the creeky bench and let my fingers glide over the keys as I began to play a song that reflected everything I needed to learn about myself.
Gotta find your inner strength Beauty, strength, and wisdom, too
If you can't then just throw life away
Gotta learn to rely on you
You're beautiful inside and out
Lead a great life without a doubt
Don't need a man to make things fair
'Cuz more than likely he won't be there
Listen girl, gotta know it's true
In the end all you've got is you
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Review! I will have chapter 2 up soon! Sorry there wasn't really any Brittana in this chapter, but I had to set up the story! Xoxo(: 3 .com/watch?v=mAxjoE6TqEo
