Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
I write "I feel tired" in the slot in the chart for today. As I pin it up by the calendar, the smily face sticker on Friday that sits next to the words "doctor appointment" seems to mock me. It suddenly feels so wrong to have a sticker there. I try to pry it off, but it resists. Eventually I give up. It's still staring at me.
I'm still sitting at the kitchen table when Jared comes in. Normally, he would be smiling, but today he just looks worried.
"Have you seen Rachel today?" he demands.
"No, why would I?" I ask.
"Paul can't find her anywhere. She left a note saying she was going for a walk. We traced her to Claire's, but she must have driven somewhere. We can't find her."
"Where's Claire?"
"Her parents left a note saying they were visiting an aunt."
I'm standing up now when the tiredness seems to overwhelm me again. I sit down, trying to remain upright. Jared notices and the crease in his forehead gets bigger.
"When are you seeing the doctor again?" he asks.
"I don't know. I just feel...so worn out."
The sticker is still staring. I give out a growl of frustration and try to pry it off. It won't budge.
"Kim, what are you doing?" I don't give him an answer. I start to bang the calendar with my hand in anger.
"Kim, are you okay?"
"It's staring at me!" I yell at him. Then I start crying.
---
On Friday, I go and see the doctor again. He politely asks Jared to leave, and locks the door behind him.
"Kim, you seem to be under a lot of stress." I'm staring at the ground. Stress. If only. "Kim, this is not good for your mental health." I ignore him as I start to pick at my fingernails. "Does this have anything to do with Rachel?"
By this time, Rachel has been gone almost a week. Jared comes home reporting that Paul is going crazy. At some points he's despondent, staring at a wall for hours. At other times, he's furious, devoting his time to prowling the forests for Rachel.
I know what Rachel did. And sometimes I want to tell Jared, just to stop him from freaking out. But Rachel deserves my silence. She did what I never had the guts to do.
There. I admitted it. I could never do what she did though. Despite all the problems in my life, I truly do love Jared.
That's not enough though. He's never said it, I've never questioned it, but without the imprint he wouldn't love me. We both know it. Most days, the fact that he does love me is enough.
Most days. But some days, it whispers in my ear. I'm a nothing, the voices say, so pitiful, it took an ancient curse to get Jared to learn my name.
I love Jared and he loves me. But when we first met, his love, his obsession was already there. Me? I just had a high school crush. The Jared I built him up to be is not him.
"Please," I whisper. "Please don't tell Jared." The doctor...the shrink frowns. "Please. He'll...he'll smother me."
I used to read fairy tales, dreaming of a prince to fall in love with me with one sight. Such irony that my life has become. I can't stand one more anxious query, one more overprotective order. Except I will. For Jared. Always for Jared.
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