A/N: Thanks for reviewing! If you did that is... which most of you didn't. That's right, I'm looking at you 007.

Kevin Ryman stumbled through the streets, wandering past hookers, and drug dealers, and people in gas masks carrying MP5s as he swaggered on towards the next bar. When he strode through the door he shouted out, "Hi everybody!" The people in the bar grumbled some things and one of them shouted, "Go to hell!"

Kevin strode towards the bar and sat down, slamming some money down on it. "Get me a cold one Jack."

"This isn't J's bar Kevin, and even if it was, Jack himself doesn't serve the drinks," the disgruntled bar keep said.

Kevin scowled at him. "Whatever. Jack, Jacob, Mr. Kangaroo, it's all the same. Anyway, get me a cold one." A bottle flew past Kevin's face, crashing into the ground.

"There's your cold one, mack," some drunk and disorderly man said, falling off his chair and peeing on himself.

"Eww... Hey! In order to distract ourselves from the smell of urine, how about I tell you good chaps a story. A legendary story. One filled with action, adventure, romance, desire..."

"Is this a story or a shampoo comercial? Get to the kicking!" someone yelled out. Kevin couldn't make out who it was, probably due to the fact that he had a gas mask on and a crap load of armor.

"Alright alright, don't get your panties in a knot. So there I was, in a huge field that goes by the name, Hyrule Field..."

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I was riding along atop my noble white steed, Lightning Bolt. We were flying along, bugs, worms, and eagles flying behind us, struggling to keep up with Lighting Bolt's immense speed. I was racing towards the giant castle in the distance when the sky turned a crimson red and the earth started spewing lava.

"Holy crap Lightning Bolt! It must be the evil wizard!" I looked up into the sky. Looming up high in the air was the evil wizard who was known by the name, "Zurg!"

Evil laughter came down from above as the evil wizard Zurg cackled. "Nothing can save you now Kevin! Nothing, not even Ozzy Osbourne!" he shouted. He began shooting meteors down at me from his palms.

Lightning Bolt and I did everything we could to avoid them, from swerving left and right, to rolling over, to jumping, to having Lightning Bolt open his mouth and shoot out of the 40mm vulcan cannon located in the back of his throat.

"Come on Lightning Bolt! We have to make it! Do the ol' 22-63!" I shouted at my noble steed. Lightning Bolt nodded and lept in the air. He started jumping from one meteor to another, making his way up towards the evil wizard.

"What, this can't be! I will destroy you all!" The evil wizard brought his hands back and generated enough supernova energy in them to destroy seven Denny's and an IHOP. "Now is where you die Kevin Ryman!" He brought his hands forward just as I lept off my noble steed.

"Not today Zurg!" I yelled out as I jumped kicked him square in the chest.

Zurg's eyes bulged and he spat out blood. "My chest! My one weakness! How did you guess!?" he shouted out at me as his body began to glow.

"Kevin Ryman never guesses, he just knows!" I yelled out as he exploded, sending me flying away. I burst through a wall and looked up to see some girl in pink with long ears.

"My name is Zelda, and your the first man I've seen in my whole life. Now lets have wild sex for months on end," she said coming towards me. I looked away from her.

"I would, but I have a promise to keep." I kept looking away from her when she said, "Forget about the promise! Please, have sex with me Kevin Ryman!" I looked at her and reluctantly said, "Sure, alright." Then we had so much sex that afterwards I had to have an IV pump fluid back into my body. Oh yeah, Kevin Ryman scores again. Swish.

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"And that's how I rescued Princess Peach from Donkey Kong," Kevin said with a proud smile. Almost everybody in the bar had already stopped paying attention. All except one.

The gas masked man came up to him and said, "Is that it!? Just one lousy kick!? You could've done more than that!" He picked Kevin up by the collar and started throttling him.

"Hey man, back off! And why do you sound so familiar?" Kevin brought his leg up and kicked the man away from him. Unbeknownest to Kevin, that man that was throttling him was actually Kevin Ryman from the future! Using his time suit, he travelled back to ensure the survival of mankind's hero in the future: Jim Chapman!

Future Kevin stepped back a little, realizing that if past him discovered the truth, it would destroy the world. He coughed and made himself sound as girly as possible. "Um, I don't know. I never met you before. My name's Luke. Luke Skywalker." He grinned beneath his gas mask, knowing his plan had succeeded.

"Whatever," past Kevin said moving towards the exit. He could just feel the gay vibes coming off of this odd man in the battle suit. "I'd better be-HOLY CRAP! LOOK IT'S A LION!" Kevin pointed behind future Kevin then ran out the front door.

"Where!?" Future Kevin yelled out turning around and aiming his .45 around. "Hey... there's no lion here."

Outside, Kevin ran forward, not even daring to look behind him as he stepped over a puddled, slipped and fell on his back. "Oww."