Delphine looks over at her wife, huddled up on their bed. These past few days had been tense, almost too much. No matter how many times they had this conversation it didn't change. It was painful. She felt terrible, Cosima felt terrible, there had been too many tears. And Charlotte… Charlotte was a clever child, she would notice the tension. If she hadn't already.
"Are we talking again?" Delphine asks softly.
"So… let's say we do this….thing. Hypothetically." Cosima can't even bring herself to say it aloud.
"We get pregnant." Delphine substitutes, watching Cosima's face for the grimace she knows is coming with those words.
"You get pregnant… I'm just sort of there in this fantasy." Cosima breaks off into a tangent that breaks her heart in seconds. "Then what?"
"What do you think?" Delphine shakes her head sadly, "we have a child. We raise our child."
Cosima lets out a long sigh, "so it's the whole thing you want? Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, child rearing… the whole thing?"
"Yes." Delphine answers quietly, tucking herself into bed, "come to bed now. I am tired of fighting."
"Me too… it hurts." Cosima admits slowly. "What if we do this, for you… and it just… it never feels right for me?"
"I don't know." Delphine answers in a very small voice. "I don't want to make you miserable, Cosima. I tried… I tried to change my mind. I tried to get over this… and I will probably try again."
"Oh god…. Let's just go to bed, come here." Cosima nudges herself forward, encouraging Delphine to spoon her from behind. Another affirmation of their connection. But the way she's held, even as she falls asleep, feels like Delphine is holding on for dear life.
She wakes in the night to a flurry of kisses, to soft hands cupping her body in the dark.
"Delphine?" She calls sleepily. She doesn't even bother looking at the clock, just reaches out for her wife. "What's wrong?"
"I need you…" Delphine whimpers at her for the fourth time that week. "I need you."
"Woah...ok." Cosima acquiesces, she never thought these horribly emotional conversations would increase their weekly sex tally so drastically. Though in any case, she wasn't expecting to be woken up at 4:42 am for frantic sex.
"Please. Please. Please." Delphine chants in the near darkness. The slight blue glow from their clock radio the only light in the room.
Cosima finds herself hesitating as she gently strokes Delphine's slick sex. She's distracted by Delphine's agile fingers already reaching to return the favour, by the deep kisses that Delphine will not stop. Does she want it like this again? Or should they do something else.
It's probably her pausing that causes Delphine to break the silence again.
"You can use a toy...if you want…" Delphine offers, between intense kisses, groping needily at Cosima's sex.
Even in her sleepy state, she doesn't have to be asked twice. "Yes!" Cosima reaches under the bed, fumbling to open their toy box. She doesn't even have to look, just lets her hand close around their purple feeldoe and yanks it up. Delphine has already retrieved the lube from the bedside table, the small bottle sitting next to her when she sits up.
She thinks briefly of grabbing the o-ring harness, but Delphine prefers gentle sex most of the time anyway. Cosima lubes the bulb and slips it in, looking at Delphine with a mischievous smirk.
"This okay, baby?" Cosima double-checks, they didn't have that many toys. It was an occasional partaking at best, but that was compromise. Can Delphine even tell what she's chosen to use in the dark?
"Yes…" Delphine pleads, rolling onto her back, her legs open and ready. "Please, Cosima."
She climbs over her, thinking briefly of offering doggy-style, before thinking better of it. Cosima knows she usually goes down on Delphine first, but the needy hands are insistent. "What do you want...first?"
Delphine tugs at her shoulders again. "Please."
"Hang on… Hang on…" Cosima applies lube in lieu of better foreplay, she slides in slowly, haltingly, trying to be as gentle as possible. She leans in to kiss Delphine once more in the dark, needing to keep their bodies close. To feel as much skin as possible against her own. She reminds herself to keep her muscles clenched around the bulb, using this toy always proved a little distracting. It wasn't easy to keep in either… Cosima thinks with annoyance, maybe she should have flicked on the light to grab the harness after all.
She begins to move then, deep short thrusts, starting a rhythm she knows Delphine enjoys, one that will bring her beloved close to her peak. She looks at Delphine's face for signs of surprise that there is no harness, but finds none, she'd realized what Cosima pulled from their toybox. Her reactions to thrusting with it give it away, if nothing else has.
"So wet... So warm." Cosima moans, attempting to heighten Delphine's arousal. She knows her lover isn't usually keen on toys, at least with this one Cosima receives some stimulation from it, something Delphine wants. They move fairly silently after that, her thrusting, Delphine's hips rolling, her hands clutching at her body.
"Ça te plait?" Delphine murmurs back.
"Oh yes…" Cosima responds with another kiss, with another series of gentle thrusts, the rocking of their hips together becoming gradually more frantic. Delphine's body is increasingly resistant to her movements, clutching the dildo in a vice grip. The thought brings another ragged cry from her own mouth. She knows she's moaning as much as Delphine, that they are both getting close, but she needs Delphine to slip over first. She's about to move a hand to better stimulate her lover, when she's stopped.
"Come…" Delphine urges her, gripping tightly at her ass with both hands, "I want you to come, Cosima."
"Oh…" Cosima moans, she thrusts again, and again, the silicone ridges gliding against her clit each time. The advantage of this particular toy, is that she often does.
"Je t'aime…" Delphine urges gently, moving one hand up to stroke her face as they continue, "Come for me… like this."
"So hot." Cosima's mouth gapes open, she lets herself groan and roll her hips to orgasm. Maybe Delphine waking her up for late night sex wasn't so bad after all. She lets out a long low groan, before falling silent, her walls contracting on the bulb then relaxing.
"Come in me." Delphine sighs, watching her orgasm and shudder, thrusts stopping entirely for the time being. Arms close around Cosima, holding her tight to Delphine's chest.
She begins to rock her hips gently, cautious of her own sensitivity against the surface of the toy and that it's started to slip out, before she realizes what is going on. Cosima stops, a terrible thought in her mind.
"Are you… fantasizing that I could?" Cosima looks horrified for a moment, propping herself up on her elbows. Delphine never asked for toys, ever. She'd use them, when asked…
"Could what?" Delphine asks biting her lip, "could get me pregnant?"
"Is… is that what you're thinking about?" Cosima pulls out, slowly but insistently, tossing the toy onto the floor with a thump. "Seriously?! You woke me up for this?"
"Does it matter?" Delphine answers, refusing to confirm or deny anything.
"We've… we've made love almost every day this week so far." Cosima shakes her head, "and… you're thinking about me knocking you up to get off?!"
"Cosima…" Delphine arm's reach up for her again, pulling her back in against her chest, "Cosima, you are enough." She kisses her forehead, and tries to soothe her with her words.
"This is too much." Cosima shakes her head angrily, "you can't be bringing this into our sex life. It's not fair."
Delphine chokes up, "I'm sorry."
It is a harmless fantasy, Delphine wants to argue. It's not hurting anyone. It doesn't affect reality in anyway, and Cosima should simply let her have it without this kind of fuss.
She liked to imagine it sometimes, despite how impossible it was, and how silly she usually felt afterwards.
Cosima lies next to her, looking incredibly hurt, and she realizes for the first time that her fantasy may cause harm after all. To Cosima. Cosima's heart.
"Do… Do you want a man?" Cosima asks softly.
"Non. Non… of course not. I want you." Delphine responds vehemently, hands reaching out for Cosima. Hands she knows her lover will shrug off in anger.
"Maybe," Cosima swallows, looking up at the ceiling. "Maybe I should go spend the weekend at Sarah's. Just to get some space from this."
Delphine nods. "If… if that is what you need to do." But she tears up regardless, Cosima gone, if only for a couple days, is the last thing she ever wanted. It is a result to this problem she could never tolerate.
The next morning, they try to be normal. Delphine prepares breakfast for her and Charlotte, tries to stifle her tears, but it's clear the girl is aware of the tension between her guardians. How could she not be?
Charlotte eyes them cautiously. The bag over her shoulder is suspicious. She can count on one hand the nights she and Delphine have spent apart in the last two years. And she doesn't even want to go.
"OK. You're scaring me." Charlotte looks between her guardians, suddenly looking younger than her 12 years. "What is going on?"
"Yeah… So I am going to stay with Sarah for a weekend… and then I'll be back. But you can stay here with Delphine in the house." Cosima explains nervously. She knows Charlotte's expressions too well, she knows that the kid isn't buying it.
"What is wrong with you two? This week has been weird!" Charlotte exclaims. "First, Delphine was crying all the time, then you were cranky, then Delphine is blasting 'I guess that's why they call it the blues' all morning whenever she thought I wasn't paying attention."
"It's nothing, Charlotte." Delphine assures their charge. "I… Cosima and I need a little space from each other."
"And this house isn't big enough?" Charlotte reminds them. "This never happened in the condo… not once… you'd send me there maybe… but not each other. Are you getting divorced?"
"And that's enough of that." Cosima swings her bag over her shoulder. "I love you… I love you both, I'll see you in a couple days."
"Bye." Delphine calls sadly after her.
She swings the door shut behind her, not wanting to hear the conversation she knows Charlotte will be having with Delphine. How to deal with this at all?
