Chapter 2: Anger and frustration

And then, he heard the noise of the door being unlocked. As the door handle was being pushed down, he held back his breath, silently begging any deity in which he had never believed not to being him the one behind the door.

The door was slowly opened while Light was staring at it, waiting to see his raven-like messy hair and deep dark eyes staring back at him.

He felt as if something inside him was breaking when he saw an unknown man walking in the room.

His heart stopped beating for a second, and he couldn't help but thinking, (hoping?) that the man was only there to tell him that L would have arrived soon.

But no, he's not coming. He's not coming anymore. He told himself.

- Good morning, Yagami-kun.

- Good morning.

He mumbled, without looking at the man. He might have seen him before, somewhere in the prison.

- What do you want?

He asked harshly to the man.

- As cordial as always, I see.

Light didn't condescent to look at him.

- Anyway, I came there only to convey you a message.

- W-which message?

Now Light was more interested in the man.

- You'll have to wait there for a few minutes. The person who's lon-

But he was interrupted by the noise of the door slamming open.

- Sorry if I'm late. I had an urgent call.

...

Light had to grab the edge of the table with both hands to prevent himself form fainting right there on his chair. His mind fightin hard against the foolish feeling of happiness and relief which was spreading throughout his body.

Just the sight of him made Light's heart beginning to beat at a breakneck speed. He couldn't control himself so much, he couldn't hide how fucking much he was glad to see him.

Not that it changed anything, of course. He was still a bastard.

But he had been also his lover, after all... His very first, and probably his last one. His sole one...

Light's anger grew deeper when he thought about what he had let The Bastard do to him, what he had allowed that unworthy being to do to his body.

He was ashamed of himself.

But still... relieved to see him.

As if the most childlish part of himself was still wishing to huddle up under the sheets in their shared bed and hold his hand until they'd fall asleep.

- You can go now, sergeant. Thank you.

The other man stood up and nodded, complying with L's orders.

He left the room, and no one spoke for a minute.

Light was staring at the table as if there was something extremely interesting on it.

L was staring at Light.

- If you're still here to demand that I accept to have my sentence changed and come with you to be your bitch until the rest of my life, my answer is still the same.

Light was the first to break the silence.

- That is not what I am asking for.

Light shook his head.

- It's over, Ryuzaki. OVER. Why don't you fucking understand that? You've played your cards and I've played mine, and now the game it's over... I don't want to see anymore. I don't.

- Nothing's over, Light...

Light was getting annoyed by him.

- I'm NOT letting it end like this.

Light felt his own blood seethe with anger. Felt the overpowering desire to kick that filthy hypocrite right on his face. But, as always, he managed to keep his self-control.

- You had already let it end like this, Ryuzaki. Come to terms with that. You made your choice and now don't try, don't even try to pretend you're sorry,

Light was fighting to keep his self control, to hold back the tears which were prickling in the corners of his eyes.

- Don't come to me acting all friendly and affectionate, because you sent me there, you did, and I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY now, got it? I don't need it.

Light had involunatarily raised the volume of his voice.

- Whether you want it or not, I've come here only to tell you that your sentence has been changed.

Light felt his heart stop beating.

Tears prickling in his eyes.

- I've already told you that I'd rather die than owe you my life. I'm... I'm not your bitch, Ryuzaki!

- That is not up to you. Things are already settled.

- You... you can't... I'm going to kill myself if you try to keep me as your pet, I'm not...

- Light, please! I'm not going to keep you as my pet or my bitch or anything! I just...

The detective took a deep breath.

- You're just so young, Light.

L took the younger boy's head between his hands, but Light leaned back as quick as if L's hands were burning fire.

- I'm aware of my deeds, don't pretend I'm just a naive child with-

- Light, you're not even twenty, y-

- I KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE! I know it, I knew it when I was doing it and I was proud, and I AM PROUD of everything, you bastard! And I AM NOT a child, stick it into your genius mind! And if I were a child, YOU'd be a pedophile then... do I have to remember you that?

Light was really losing his self control now.

- Shut up Light, for once in your life just shut the fuck up and listen!

Light was shaking and his eyes were filled with tears and anger.

- You. Are. Young. Whether you like it or not. You are. And you have... a whole life in front of you. There are so many things out there you haven't experienced yet. This is not your time Light, not yet... You know it.

- But I... I want do die. I do.

- No, you don-

- HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW? How the hell do you know what I want, I'm telling you I DO want!

- Light-kun, please...

- But I am such a fucking asshole, ain't I? You do think that Kira is a fucking criminal and I AM KIRA! That's not what you wanted? And now, I'm here, I'm telling you that I'm Kira and now do punish me! Punish me like you always said you would, you coward, or now you don't want to, because you'd miss my ass too much, that's it? The only thing of me you could ever mi-

- Light, stop that, this isn't going to help you. Just think that you've been given a second chance...

- What the fuck I need second chance to if-

- Light! I... I know... I... want to think that somewhere inside of you you really thought that using the Death Note was the right thing to do, that you were helping the world and... I refuse to think that you were only a bored kid with a God complex, Light, I can't think that! And... if your task was to build up a better world, Light... no, Light, listen to me! The Death Note isn't the only way of making this world a better place, there are so many others! And you'll have a whole life to figure them out, but... if you die now, what have you achieved? What image of yourself are you going to leave to the world? The one of a ruthless murderer, that is... but you're just nineteen Light-kun, and you DESERVE a second chance, to achieve want you want to achieve in your life before your time runs out...

- Deserve? Deserve, Ryuzaki? Are you really trying to convince me that you don't want them to execute me because you think I "deserve" it? No, no my panda, don't lie to me and don't lie to yourself, you don't think I deserve it! If it was anyone else here but me, you would have had him executed without hesitating...

- Well, maybe... but IT'S you here, and I don't want you to...

- No... Ryuzaki, NO! Not this time! I don't care if you want me to live...

Light was just one step before the edge of a nervous breakdown. Frustration and anger were running through his veins turning his blood into pure fire.

- You... you fucking asshole! I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU, I would, really, I would! I would... I'd have liked so much to destroy your useless life, and I... would have never regret it, never!

- I know.

- And so, why the hell are you taking pity on me? WHY? I don't deserve none of your pity... And I DON'T FUCKING WANT IT! Why do you want me alive, Ryuzaki? I hate you, I hate you so much! What do you want from me, uh? WHAT? Tell me what...

A traitor tear fell from Light's eye.

- If it's just my ass what you want, you know... you're rich, you slut, you're bloody rich, you could have any fucking whore's ass you might want, you don't need me, you don't need me for that!

Light was crying now, and he didn't even refuse L's embrace when the older boy wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held him tight.

- Why don't you let me die and get the world rid of a dangerous criminal as I am, why don't you enjoy your victory and find someone else to fuck and let me-

-Light...

They were pressed close one against the other, both silently crying.

- Because I love you, Light. I love YOU, not the world, not the justice nor my dignity or my pride or my ideals, I love you...