"Koi ni naranai ne...soba ni iru dake ja..." Maya Ibuki sang happily to herself as she walked down the halls of NERV. Today had been a good day for her: Rei's test had gone flawlessly, enough that Sempai Ritsuko had decided to send her home early. Maya was in many ways married to her work, but she did have hobbies. This time, if she hurried, she could catch her favorite anime shows instead of having to tape them. Love Hina Again and Again, Part XVI was on tonight, as was Dragonball Bebop.
Suddenly, two hands fell on her shoulders, causing her to yelp aloud. She whirled around to see the smiling face of Misato Katsuragi. "Oh, hello, Maya. Sorry if I scared you!"
"Er...that's okay," Maya replied, recovering. "What is it, Major?"
Misato struck a coquettish pose. "Oh, nothing...I just need a favor. A big favor."
Alarm bells went off in Maya's mind. The last time Misato had required a favor, she had borrowed Maya's little electric Tamachan minicar while her Alpine had been in the shop. The resulting damage had cost Maya a month's pay. "What is it this time, Major?" Maya asked with barely enough respect to stay military.
"Aw, don't be so gloomy. I just need you to go into Dr. Akagi's office and grab something. There's a bottle of whiskey in there–American, Jack Daniels' Black Label, except the stuff inside should be red." Misato carefully searched Maya's face for any sign of recognition. There was none, so she went ahead with Plan A. "See, I'm throwing a surprise party tomorrow night at my place...you're invited, of course...and I'm going to bake a cake."
"With whiskey in it?" Maya asked incredously. She knew Misato liked the bottle now and then, but this was going a little far.
"Just a tad. Asuka gave me the reciepe. Anyway, my pay's running a little short this week, and I still have to buy food and stuff, and I can't just ask Shinji or Asuka to get a bottle for me–they're too young. I'd ask her myself, but she's tied up with the Commander at the moment, and I really need to get going so I can pick the kids up from school." Both of which were true; Misato had planned it that way. "So pleeease, Maya? I know you have a key to Ritsuko's office."
Maya swallowed nervously. It wasn't supposed to be public knowledge that she kept a spare key to her sempai's office, for various reasons. One look at Misato's face and Maya knew that the key might indeed become public knowledge if she didn't help. Misato was quite capable of being ruthless as Commander Ikari when she wished. Maya decided to concede defeat gracefully. "Sure, Major, no problem."
"I'll be in the break room."
Misato had to chance that Ritsuko wouldn't get out of her meeting early and run into Maya in the hall, which worried her a little. Ritsuko would find out eventually that she "borrowed" the calming fluid, but by that time she would have her revenge on Asuka, and maybe Kaji as well, if she played her cards right. Ritsuko wasn't so stuffy that she would be angry for long. Who knows, Misato thought, chewing on a coffee stirrer, Rits might even get a bang out of it.
Maya walked into the break room and over to Misato's table. Misato need not have worried, for Maya had placed the bottle inside her duffel bag. Surreptitiously, she slipped the bottle out of the duffel bag and into Misato's hands, feeling like she was betraying her sempai and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The bottle vanished into Misato's jacket like magic. "Thanks, Maya," Misato whispered, winking. "You won't regret this, trust me. See ya tomorrow."
"Um, yes, ma'am." Maya watched her leave, then sat down heavily at the table. "This place keeps getting weirder and weirder..."
Misato hummed tunelessly as she walked down the hall towards the car-train that would take her back to the surface. She took side passages, to minimize her chances of running into Ritsuko, so she had to work her way around the Eva bays. So far, no one had paid her much attention, so no one had noticed the rather large bulge the bottle made in her jacket pocket.
Unfortunately, no plan survives contact with the enemy, and Misato's eyes widened as she heard Commander Ikari's and Ritsuko's voice approaching from another corridor. She had only seconds, so Misato ducked into the first door she found. She blessed her good fortune that it was the Eva pilots' changing room; there were plenty of places to hide. She heard a shower running and knew that it had to be Rei, cleaning up from the day's test.
The blessing turned to a curse as she heard the door opening again as Gendo and Ritsuko came into the changing room. Reacting instinctively–that is, without thinking–Misato stashed the bottle in the first place she spotted, a backpack, then hid inside Shinji's locker, making sure that she wasn't locking herself in.
Gendo and Ritsuko continued to speak about the test, then asked a few questions of Rei as the young girl got out of the shower. Rei was not one for modesty, and so made no move to cover herself as she dressed. (Fanservice for you guys out there. Never say I didn't do anything for you.) Misato could just barely see Ritsuko's back and tried not to move as she noticed the backpack only inches from Ritsuko's left foot.
"I'll take you home, Rei," Gendo said. "See you later tonight, Doctor."
"Of course, Commander," Ritsuko replied. Rei, typically, said nothing, but in horror, Misato saw Rei put on the backpack and follow Gendo out of her line of sight. Misato, sweating and nearly beside herself in fright, waited until Ritsuko had left as well before getting out of the locker.
"Okay, Katsuragi," she whispered aloud. "Think. Don't panic. Think." She took a few deep breaths. "Okay, this is Rei we're talking about here. She's not stupid; she's not going to drink that bottle if she doesn't know what it is. All I have to do is just go over there after the Commander drops it off, and give her the same line of BS I fed Maya. I'll tell her the truth–I didn't want Ritsuko finding out I have the bottle." Misato clenched a fist in victory. "No sweat."
And with that, Misato marched confidently out of the locker room and ambled to the car-train. She continued to hum contentedly to herself on the trip to the surface, smugly satisfied with a rather nifty escape from Gendo and Ritsuko. She'd have to tell Akagi about it later, how three of the smartest people in NERV didn't notice her hiding in a locker three feet from them. Even Shinji might get a snicker out of that.
Misato was still thinking about how much fun she was going to have when she pulled off the car-train at the ground station. The Alpine puttered along for about ten feet before it abruptly began surging. It got another twenty feet before it stopped entirely. "What the hell?" Misato growled. She looked down at the gauge. "Out of gas? I just filled it up...last week. Ah, no! I'm not believing this!" She rested her head on the wheel. "Can things get any worse?"
"Hey!" yelled a male voice from across the parking garage. Misato stiffened. Things could get worse, it seemed, infinitely worse.
"Are you feeling all right, Rei?" Gendo asked as they neared Rei's apartment. "You look flushed." As pale as Rei's skin was, it was fairly obvious when she was embarrassed–which wasn't often–or when she was not feeling well. Gendo had been around her long enough to know the difference.
"I am feeling a little sick," Rei answered. "Dr. Akagi thinks that I might be coming down with a cold."
"There is a 24-hour bug going around." Gendo wondered briefly if it might be something else; Rei's physiology was genetically manipulated, so theoretically she should not get sick at all. This was the first time she had ever mentioned something like it. He considered how many times she had been injured, so it was possible that her immune system was simply getting overloaded. Gendo reached into a compartment set in the partition between the back seat and the driver's compartment of the limousine. As Commander of NERV, Gendo did not drive himself. From the compartment, he withdrew a bottle of aspirin. Rei also noticed that the glove compartment had a small bottle of alcohol of some sort, making her remember this morning's spat between Misato and Asuka. She briefly considered telling Gendo about it, then decided not to. Unless it affected either woman's performance on duty, Rei decided it was immaterial. More than likely, it was merely Asuka's natural bad attitude; though she never admitted it, Asuka annoyed Rei. She resented the fiery German's constant hazing of Shinji, her constant sneering use of the word "Wondergirl," and her general demeanor, which clashed directly with Rei's calm reserve.
"Take two of these and go to bed early tonight," Gendo was saying. "You should feel better by tomorrow morning." He handed the bottle of aspirin to her.
"Yes, sir." The limo stopped and, after a final exchange of pleasantries between herself and Gendo, Rei got out and went up to her spartan apartment. Her head, annoyingly, had begun to pound, and her face felt hot. She had a sudden memory of Asuka in the heat-resistant plugsuit, blown up like a beachball, which brought a small smile to her face.
Rei fixed herself a small dinner and then got to her homework, but her headache got worse. Finally, she decided that she would get no studying done tonight; it was time to take Commander Ikari's advice and get some sleep. Rei unzipped her backpack to put her homework inside, so she would not forget it the next morning. Not that Rei ever forgot anything, but it never hurt to be sure.
Quizzically, Rei looked at the bottle in her backpack, and hesitantly withdrew it. It was labeled in English, which she read. Jack Daniels'? I do not understand... Then Rei realized what it was for. I see...Dr. Akagi must have put it in there. I remember Major Katsuragi once mentioning that liquor was good for an infection, as it helped the immune system. Rei sloshed the liquid inside around, then uncorked it. She took a sniff and made a face. It smelled awful, burning her sinuses. Something that bad, Rei decided, must be medicine.
Though Rei had never drank and was completely unfamiliar with alcohol, she had seen Misato drunk once or twice, and knew that it had to be taken in moderation. She knew her body would be unused to the sudden introduction of intoxicants, so she had better only have a very small amount, or she would get even sicker than she felt at the moment. She also knew that she should not chase the aspirin with whiskey. Rei got up from her bed and got a small glass from her cupboard. She put just enough in the glass to cover the bottom, swirled it around a little, and, grimacing, drank it down.
To her surprise, it left a pleasantly warm feeling as it traveled down her throat, but it did not feel quite as pleasant on the way back up. She quickly spun around and put her head over the sink in case she was going to throw up, but instead she let out a long, sonorous belch. Half expecting to see the steel dissolve in front of her, Rei blinked a few times. The sink seemed to swim in front of her, but it gradually returned to focus. Her head pounded even harder, causing Rei very uncharacteristically to grit her teeth in pain. It was hard to think. She remembered the words "take two," but couldn't remember if the Commander had meant two aspirin or two drinks. She decided it had been two drinks, and slopped more of the vile liquid into her glass, this time filling it to a third full. Willing herself to either drink the whiskey or die from her head exploding, Rei knocked it back. To her pleasant surprise, the pain in her head went away completely. She felt herself floating over to her bed and gently falling on it, like it was made of feathers.
"I feel wonderful," she said dreamily, with a smile on her face that would have caused Shinji heart failure, had he seen it. Rei felt very warm and peaceful, and she curled up happily, wishing she could have someone there with her to curl up to. First she thought that a big stuffed animal would be great, then perhaps a giant stuffed Eva, but eventually her befuddled mind settled on Shinji. Yes, Shinji would be perfect to share her bed with. No sexual thoughts came to Rei; she just wanted to cuddle with Shinji and let her warmth flow into him. He always seemed so sad, and Asuka never seemed to help much...
Rei's eyes had been half-shut, but they suddenly flew open. Her smile turned to a snarl. Rei's thoughts had always followed logical patterns, and even with the power of the Eva-level intoxicants causing her synapses to not quite fire correctly, they still settled into a pattern. In short order, Rei decided that she wanted Shinji to be happy. Shinji was not happy. Shinji was not happy because Asuka made him sad.
Therefore, Asuka was going to have to be eliminated.
Misato's luck had improved somewhat. It had not been Kaji that had been at the parking garage, but Makoto Hyuga. He had been quite happy to siphon some gas from his own car into hers, enough to get her to a gas station. She had then realized she was out of yen, but she had her NERV expense debit card, and that was good enough–though she lost more time while the clerk fiddled with the verification machine. One full tank of gas and a cup of coffee later, and Misato was terrorizing the commuters of Tokyo-3 as usual. In time that would have made a Grand Prix driver proud, Misato made it to Rei's apartment.
Misato knocked on the door and called out Rei's name, but there was no answer. Hesitantly, she pushed on the door, and to her surprise, it opened. Of course, Rei never locks her door–Shinji told me that, she remembered. Misato walked into the small apartment. "Rei? Rei, are you here? It's Major Katsuragi."
There was no answer, but there was the smell of formaldehyde. Following her nose, Misato went into Rei's kitchen. There was no bottle, but there was a glass lying on its side on her counter. Picking it up, Misato saw the residue of the red liquid on the bottom, and the impression of Rei's lips on the edge. "Oh, no, no, no..." Misato moaned. In an instant, Misato saw her job and her life flash before her eyes. Both promised to be ending rather soon. Gendo Ikari tolerated some things from his staff, but any tampering with Rei Ayanami, intentional or otherwise, was not only asking for a pink slip, it was asking for a bullet.
Misato's shaking hand dived into her purse, but as it closed around her cellphone, the phone began to buzz. She snapped it open quickly. "Misato here!"
"Er...Major Katsuragi?" The voice was tinged with an American accent.
"Why, it's Riana Arashikaze," Misato said in surprise. "What are you doing here in Tokyo-3?"
"I was just returning from Deus Ex Machina," Riana said, "and I saw Pilot Ayanami on the train."
"Rei? Was she okay?"
"Well, I guess so. She looked a little flushed. The reason why I called was she kind of had a crazed look in her eyes. I mean, Rei's eyes are always a little weird, being blood red and all, but this time she looked really...well, Charles Manson, if you know what I mean. They were kind of twitching."
Misato could sympathize; her eyes were twitching. "Keep going. Did she say anything?"
"Not to me, no. But she got off the train at the station by your house. When she paid the driver, she thanked him for being the vehicle of her vengeance. That's when I thought I'd call you–that's acting kind of bizarre, in my opinion–"
"ThanksRianagottogonowseeyouinanotherfanfic," Misato said quickly, snapped the phone shut, and dashed out of Rei's apartment, knowing she was too late. "I'm dead...I'm so dead..."
It was more or less a normal night at the Katsuragi residence. Shinji was doing his homework, curled up on the floor next to Pen-Pen. Sprawled on the sofa was Asuka, feet up on the table, chomping loudly on potato chips. She was watching an anime, which she normally did not watch, but had settled on because there was clearly nothing on the other 39 channels Misato got. There had actually been four programs that Shinji had spotted that looked pretty good, but Asuka had breezily clicked past them. She was still at Condition Bligh, so Shinji had decided he'd better not push the envelope. Besides, the sooner he got his homework done, the better. He glanced at the anime every so often, but not much: he had seen this one plenty of times.
"Stupid Keiichi," Asuka growled. "Mein Gott, kiss her, idiot."
"Asuka," Shinji said, "don't you get the feeling that we know someone like the three goddesses? It seems like I've met someone like them before."
"You have. Me." Asuka thumbed her chest. "I'm clearly Urd. I'm not a doormat like Belldandy."
More like Skuld, Shinji thought. The doorbell rang, and Shinji got to his feet. "I'll get it."
"Good thing, because I wasn't going to," Asuka remarked.
Shinji sighed and went to the door. He opened it and was taken aback. "Ayanami? What are you doing here?"
Rei's eyes were half-closed and looked redder than usual, and her clothes were a little askew. On anyone else, Shinji would not have noticed, but with Rei, it was something different. "You okay?"
"I'm fine, Ikari-kun," she said with a small smile that got his heart pounding. "May I come in?"
"Of...of course," Shinji replied. With a small bow, she walked in, shuffled off her shoes, weaved a little, then walked into the kitchen. "Is Pilot Soryu here?"
"Yeah, I'm here, Wondergirl," Asuka answered from the living room. "Whatcha want?"
"I have something here for you." Rei slipped off her backpack, which hit the tiled floor with a distinct sound of glass. "Would you come here please?"
"Whatever. It's a commercial break anyway." Asuka was actually curious; Rei rarely deigned to talk to her. If she had to deliver something, it was likely work-related, and important. She walked into the kitchen. "Well?" she demanded. "Where is it?" Rei was kneeling, opening her backpack.
"Right here," Rei replied, and before Shinji or Asuka could react, she had, in one fluid motion, turned, stood, and delivered a haymaker of a punch to Asuka's face.
It was a testament to Asuka's skill as a fighter and her fortitude that she was not knocked cold by a hit that would have flattened most people. At the last moment, she had instinctively rolled with the punch, with the result that Rei only broke cartilage in her nose, rather than the bone, or her teeth, which had actually been Rei's intended target. On the way over on the commuter train, Rei had deduced that Asuka's largest weapon was her mouth, and so if she was to destroy her target, she had to disarm it first. As it was, Asuka went down to the carpet like a poled ox.
"WHAT?!" Shinji screamed in surprise. "Ayanami, what are you–"
Rei ignored him. She walked over to stand over Asuka, who was shaking her head and wondering if someone shouldn't be answering those phones. Rei's face was contorted in a rictus of hatred. "Get up, bitch! Get up!" she shouted. "I'll teach you to abuse my Shinji-chan!"
"S-Shinji-chan?" Asuka struggled out. She felt blood running over her lips and gingerly touched her nose. Rage wiped out all pain and thought from that point. With remarkable speed, Asuka jumped up and threw a murderous right hook at Rei.
Rei only chuckled and caught the fist an inch from her face. Asuka tried a left cross, but that was blocked just as easily. Asuka paled as she saw Rei's mouth spread into a wide, death's-head smile. "I'm gonna hit you with so many punches you'll be begging for a kick," Rei said, slurring her words slightly. "But first I gonna break your hands. Can't pilot Eva with busted mitts." She began tightening her hands, and Asuka whimpered as the delicate but powerful fingers began to dig in. Slowly, Rei forced Asuka to her knees, chortling like a demented, psychotic hyena the entire time.
"Shinji! Don't just stand there–Rei's gone nuts! Do something!"
Shinji had been staring at the tableaux in front of him, shaking his head, trying to wake up from what was obviously a dream, a bad one. He swallowed, gathered his courage, and put a hand on Rei's shoulder. "Rei, stop–you're hurting her!"
"Good! I want her to feel pain! I want her to feel the pains of hell!" Rei, tiring of trying to crush Asuka's hands–her own hands were too small, actually–instead pulled her right hand loose and let Asuka have it across the bridge of her nose.
As Rei drew back for another swing, mumbling something about rope-a-dope, Shinji grabbed the first thing at hand, a bottle of cooking oil. Silently asking for Rei's forgiveness, he brought it down across the top of her blue-haired skull.
Rei let go of Asuka, who collapsed onto the floor, staggered, and turned to Shinji. Her red eyes were blurry. "Shinji-kun...why did you smite me with the bottle of Crisco?" Before he could answer, her eyes fluttered shut and she fell into his arms.
Shinji handed the bottle to an astounded Pen-Pen, not thinking for a minute why the penguin was standing there. With some effort, he picked up Rei and carried her to the sofa. He quickly checked her head, decided that there was no permanent damage, and propped up both her head and feet. She seemed comfortable enough, a silly smile plastered on her face.
"Shiiiinjiii..." Asuka moaned. Quickly, Shinji ran to her side. Blood was still flowing from her nose, and she had quite a black eye developing.
"Are you okay?" Shinji asked in one of the dumbest questions he had asked in some time.
"No...owww..."
Shinji grabbed a napkin off the table and stanched Asuka's nose with it. There was a cut on her face where one of Rei's fingernails had scratched her, and it was bleeding a little. Since no one living knew how long it had been since Misato had shampooed her carpet, and Shinji had no idea where Rei had been, he decided he had better disinfect it in a hurry. His eyes fell on the bottle of whiskey in Rei's backpack. Obviously that was the cause of Rei's current state, but explanations would have to wait. Shinji grabbed the bottle, uncorked it, dabbed a little on his fingers, and rubbed it on the cut.
Asuka's eyes widened. "OW!" She let loose a flow of German imprecations and curses that nearly caused Shinji's hair to wilt. "Baka Shinji!"
"I'm just trying to disinfect it!"
"Screw that–I'm hurting all over!" Asuka snatched the bottle from Shinji's hands and turned it up, taking a big gulp. She set the bottle down on the floor, and smiled. "There–that's much bet–" Asuka's eyes bugged out and her mouth distended open. Shinji, afraid he was about to be covered in Asuka's lunch, breakfast, and dinner, dropped her like a hot rock. Asuka belched with enough force to lift Pen-Pen off his feet, which wasn't much better. She fell backwards and hit the carpet with a thud, but Asuka was suddenly beyond pain.
"Er...Asuka?" Shinji opened one eye and saw that he was not going to be vomited upon, so he slowly picked up Asuka, cradling her gently. "Hey...you okay? I didn't mean to drop you like that–I thought..."
Asuka's blue eyes opened slowly. She felt completely weightless. Her gaze wavered, shimmered, and suddenly focused on Shinji Ikari. "Shiiinjiii..." she moaned softly.
"Um..." Shinji was not sure how to reply to that.
"I...wuv...youuu..."
"Huh?"
Asuka solved the question of how better to answer her by crushing Shinji's lips with her own.
