Disclaimer: I do not own anything other than the story line . All rights belong to J.K. Rowling

CHAPTER TWO

[CUE MUSIC, AN EERIE MELANCHOLY THEME]

[FADE TO]

Dumbledore's office where soft snores can be heard from somewhere in the background. Soon there is a sharp intake of breath, and a muffled BANG, followed by what appears to be curses in several different languages. Enter Dumbledore, stage left.

"Little did our young Mr. Potter realize that during the time of his friends' raucous celebration, dark and evil tidings were taking place in the sleepy little burg of Hogsmeade," he said, absent mindedly brushing the pom pom of his sleep cap from in front of his eyes.

[FADE TO]

Percy Weasley stood inside the doors to Zonko's joke shop, waiting impatiently for his meeting with Dolores Umbridge. She was running late, and he hated tardiness. However, she was his direct superior, so if she wanted to be late, it was her decision, not his.

He cast his gaze around the shop, remembering with some fondness his reckless youth. Ah, to be young and carefree again. He thought with a smile about the time he came in, and abandoning all reason, he actually purchased a fake wand. Oh the follies of youth. Sometimes he wished he could just open up like that again, and not worry about how it would look.

There was really nothing going on, unless of course you counted that tall, handsome, faintly see-through sixteen year old over in the corner evidently trying to enchant some items while hiding it from the view of the owners. No, nothing going on at all.

Meanwhile, over in the corner, Tom Riddle, or the memory of him, anyway, stood there, brandishing the wand he had made his puppet steal for him. He waved it over a piece of parchment and muttered "Festerous Necromancia," and watched it turn a sickly shade of purple, then fade back to its original color.

With a gleeful chuckle and the twisting of what appeared to be a four day peach fuzz mustache, he disapparated.

Percy, meanwhile started to wander around the store while he waited. He slowly went past the counter where there stood a young wizard around the age of eight or nine with spiky blonde hair and very large expressive eyes. He was making a very strange expression towards a large stuffed tiger that was sitting on the floor next to him. As Percy watched, he grabbed a large cardboard box that had the word "Transmorgrificator" written on it in a child's handwriting. As he pushed it up to the counter, Percy distinctly heard him mutter "third time this week."

Percy continued to walk around the store, until he found himself at the spot where the handsome young wizard had been. Pawing through the pile of parchments, he came at last upon on that seemed so terribly ordinary that he grabbed it. It was entirely unmarked, and seemed completely harmless.

Throwing caution to the wind, he rolled the parchment up and brought it up to the counter. He counted out the two sickles and four knuts, and strode out the door with it in his hand.

As he went down the street, he started to feel a little dizzy, but the sensation quickly passed. He would find Dolores Umbridge himself, and then he could get back to the comfortable confines of the Ministry of Magic.

[FADE TO]

Ron, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, the twins, and Neville approached the entrance to the Headmaster's office. The gargoyle stood there, glaring out at them.

"You know the password, Mate?" Ron asked.

"Erm…" muttered Harry, searching his memory.

"Another fine mess you gotten us into" Fred said, smacking his brother in the back of the head.

"Hey!" said George cuffing Neville on the arm.

"Don't hurt me!" whimpered Neville while he fell into Hermione.

"You prat!" cried Hemione, kicking Ron in the shins.

"What? Ow!" hollered Ron as he jumped up and down, landing on Ginny's toes.

"Stop it!" she yelled as she whipped around her wand, promptly driving it into Harry's forehead with a crack.

Harry stumbled backwards and tripped over Hermione's outstretched foot, crashing into the gargoyle back first. He fell to his knees with a groan. "Oh Bother," he muttered, and when he did so, the gargoyle sprang to life, jumping on him and lifting him over its head.

"Hey, what?" he said, and then he was flung across the corridor, crashing into Ginny and sending her sprawling.

The twins sprang to his aid, whipping out their wands and sending hexes flying at the gargoyle. It shrugged them off and spun on them.

"I say, chap," began Fred.

"You really don't have to," continued George.

"Do anything drastic," finished Fred, taking a hasty step backwards.

The gargoyle took another step forward, menacing them.

"Do something!" Hermione screeched at Ron, kicking him in the other shin.

Ron, who had just stopped hopping on one leg, started hopping on the other one now. He tried to pull out his wand, but was stopped as Harry, who had just managed to extricate himself from Ginny, whipped his wand around and lost his grip, impaling it in Ron's arm.

Ron let out a howl and dropped his own wand. As he did so, the gargoyle finished off the twins, leaving them moaning on the floor, and grabbed Hermione, holding her hostage in front of itself.

"Well, well, what do we have here?" came a familiar, contemptuous voice. They all paused long enough to look and see Professor Severus Snape standing there, sneering at the lot of them.

"Let me see, broken and battered bodies everywhere," he said, gazing at the twins and Ginny, "and Potter and his band right in the middle of it. First of all, peanut butter fudge." The gargoyle unceremoniously dumped Hermione on the floor, causing her to yelp as her bum struck the stone surface. It jumped back into place and awaited the password once again.

"Now then, where were we? Oh yes, seven troublemakers, caught red-handed, so seven times five points apiece is thirty five points from Gryffindor for fighting in the halls. Then, being completely useless twits should be good for five more points apiece for a total of seventy points from Gryffindor. Now, I suggest you all report to the hospital wing before any of you bleeds to death." He scowled at them to reinforce his point, and then motioned them away.

They picked each other up, and managed to limp off, leaving Snape laughing to himself behind them in the corridor.

[FADE TO]

Dolores Umbridge turned the corner at Honeydukes candy shop and came face to face with Percy Weasley. He looked as if he was going to be very ill. His face was covered in beads of sweat, and he was shaking slightly.

"Ma'am," Percy said, bowing slightly.

"Good heavens, Westernly, what happened to you?"

"Well," Percy began.

"Hand," said Umbridge.

Percy obediently raised his hand. Umbridge paced back and forth for a moment before saying in a little girl voice, "Yes, Westerfly?"

"Um, oh yeah, the Minister is going to pass another educational decree, but he wants to know if there is any more information you need to pass on to him before he proceeds?" He was sweating even more freely.

"Oh, not at this time Worsterchire," she replied quaintly.

"Is there anything…"

"Hands," Umbridge reminded him.

Percy's hand shot into the air. She turned from him, walking a few paces away. He found his eyes being drawn to her posterior, its shape bringing to mind a succulent ham hock. He found his mouth watering.

She turned back to him. "Yes, Wheelbarrow?"

"Er, could you turn around again?"

"What? Oh, I suppose so," she said turning around so that her back was to him. Percy reached out unsteadily toward her, his mouth stretching wide.

[FADE TO]

The kitchens at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, where we can see Dumbledore at the ice box, apparently trying to decide whether to have the treacle pudding or the left over haggis.

"What, oh, you startled me. Well, where were we? Oh yes, after having their various injuries attended to by Madame Pomfrey, the Magnificent seven were visited by none other than myself. As it had become necessary to advance the story, I therefore granted them special permission to proceed to Hogsmeade in the attempt to secure the supplies they needed for the evening's festivities."

Dumbledore paused as a small child of about nine years old came wandering through. He stopped and looked up at Dumbledore with a concerned expression. "I see dead people," he whispered, and then walked away, to be quickly surrounded by house elves.

"I see," Dumbledore said. "So, let's see how things proceeded for young Mr. Potter and his friends."

[FADE TO]

They wandered through the streets of Hogsmeade, laughing at one stupid joke after another as the twins kept things going with different inventions of theirs.

"That was really good, George," said Ginny, stepping carefully over the chewed up corpse of an alley cat. As she got past it, it started to rise, its teeth snapping in the air where her leg had been a moment before.

They walked along, heading for Zonko's while still listening to the series of Jokes that Fred was telling.

"So, anyway, this wizard stops what he's doing and says "I don't care what you do to me, just let my kitty go." Crickets chirped in the background as his punchline was met with stony silence.

"Geez, tough crowd," he muttered, brushing off a leaf that had fallen from a nearby tree. He passed right by, not seeing the small, white beagle sitting in the tree, its body stretched out and upwards, with its neck stretched out and its snout pointed downwards, resembling nothing more than a great vulture, peering down at a carcass it was thinking of eating.

They walked on in silence, till they got to Zonko's. There they spread out, careful not to trip over any of the product strewn all about the floor.

"Pretty well picked over, I'd say, what do you think, Mate?" Ron asked, pointing to the nearly empty shelves. Crickets chirped in the background.

Harry went to answer, and instead let out a shout as he slipped on some Everard's Ever Slick Grease that had been spilled on the floor. "Oh, thanks," he murmured as he pulled himself up on the outstretched arm of the owner. He walked over to Ron as the owner swiped his hands at Harry's back, little flecks of spittle flying from his mouth as his whole body lurched from side to side with the effort.

"I'm about four knuts shy, Zonks," shouted Fred as he plunked down some coins on the counter. "Catch me on the next visit, would you? Come on guys, we've got what we came for." He turned and strode for the door, bumping into a witch who was stooped over gnawing on a severed leg.

"Hey, watch where you're going," he said, moving around her. "Some people just don't have a clue about common courtesy anymore." They went carefully around her, and left Zonko's behind them.

As they were returning up the street towards Hogwarts, Ginny pointed over to where there was a heavy set witch in powder blue robes with a fluffy pink cardigan and a little pink bow in her hair casually ripping a small boy limb from limb. "Look, it's that Umbridge cow," she said.

"What? Where?" said Harry, tripping over his own feet and crashing into Neville's back, causing Neville to whimper in pain and hide behind Hermione. Harry picked himself back up, and pulling his wand said "I'm going to get her."

"No Harry!" yelled Ginny, but it was too late.

"Mammillius Replicatus!" he yelled. A bright mauve light lit him up and he was thrown backwards, landing in a heap at Ron's feet.

Ron looked down, and had to stifle a laugh. He helped Harry up. "Good one, Mate," he said, turning away quickly.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked.

Hermione took a small step forward and reached into her handbag, pulling out a small mirror. Harry took it and looked into it gasping in horror. He was staring at a definitely bovine face. He looked down his body, and recoiled, clutching at a fully formed utter hanging from his belly.

"Well, look at it this way Harry," said George.

"You won't have to bother with dressing up for Halloween," said Fred.

"After all," said George. Everyone broke down in laughter. Harry just scowled, or attempted to anyway, finding it rather difficult to do so with a new facial structure.

"Oh come on, and shut up, the lot of you!" said Harry, as his utter slapped against the sides of his legs.

[FADE TO]

Inside the Room of Requirement, they sat and waited for people to show up. The Magnificent Seven were already there, and much to Harry's relief, his face was starting to look much more human than it had before.

He clutched his stomach as pains shot through him. He let out a long groan, and then tried to sit up straight.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Ginny said, concern in her voice.

"It's my stomach…it feels so tight, like there's too much pressure down there."

"Well, let me take a look," she replied. She bent down and examined him. "I think I see the problem," she said with a slight giggle.

"Well? What is it?"

"I think you need to be milked," she replied. "I, er, can help you with that if you'd like," she said waggling her eyebrows suggestively at him. As he blushed furiously, she cackled with laughter.

He got up and went around behind a changing screen that had luckily appeared nearby. As he did, there was a crash and a yelp of pain. "Er, Ginny?" came Harry's voice from behind the screen.

"Yes, Harry?"

"It seems I've fallen and made a rather squishy mess of things back here. You wouldn't be so kind as to give me a hand, would you?"

"I thought you'd never ask, Harry," she said, stepping around the corner of the screen.

"Now, Ginny, be careful. Whoa! What are you doing? Stop!" he screeched.

"Now Harry, just relax and let me handle things, would you? That's a dear…"

Ginny stepped back out from behind the screen, a very self satisfied look on her face as she was cleaning the corner of her mouth. Harry staggered out from the other side. His abdomen had gone back to normal, and he was looking a little woozy, but otherwise okay.

"Can we just start?" he croaked.

The other six came over to him. "So, what do you want to work on today?" asked Hermione, studiously ignoring the predatory looks that Ginny was throwing Harry's way.

"Er, how about learning some basic defensive hexes?" said Harry, looking like a rabbit who had just spotted a hound.

They split into pairs, with Harry overseeing. Ginny was paired with Ron, Hermione with George, and Fred with Neville. Hexes started to fly, and soon it became apparent that Neville was having problems with things.

Harry came over and stopped them. "No, no, like this Neville." He flicked his wand in a confident manner. A grey jet sprang from his wand and struck the far wall, ricocheting off and up to the ceiling. It bounced off of there and traversed the distance to the far wall, spring off that and flying into a mirror, where it altered course once again, only to go careening full force into Ginny. She was thrown from her feet and went flying backwards into a pile of pillows.

She got up and shook her head. She appeared to have grown about six inches. Her hair was flying about her head in waves as if it were being blown about in the wind. Small horns sprouted from her forehead, and a pointed tail flicked behind her in annoyance. As she looked up, her eyes glowed with an eerie red light. The air around her crackled with energy.

She looked at the group. "Harry," she purred, "run."

"Class dismissed!" cried Harry as he turned and ran headlong into the wall.

[FADE TO]

Albus Dumbledore sat behind his desk. "Once again, our young Mr. Potter seems to have gotten himself into a great mess. Please join us once again in our next installment to see if he can manage to extricate himself from his problems with Ms. Weasley. From all of us here at Hogwarts Theater, I am Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, and I wish you a good day."