Kurt led Finn through the front door of their home, the latter clutching a new teddy in his good hand with a bright yellow balloon tied around his wrist. Kurt was shaking his head and muttering under his breath about lightweight gorillas.
"We're home!" he wearily called out.
Carole burst out from the kitchen, tears in her eyes, and cooed and clucked over her poor baby. Kurt rolled his eyes and removed his blazer, hanging both it and Finn's jacket in the hall closet.
"Hi Mommy!" Finn screamed.
Burt, who had strolled out after his wife, raised a bemused eyebrow and turned toward his son, who again rolled his eyes.
"Completely stoned," Kurt said. "They gave him a pill just before he was discharged. One Percocet and he was gone. He wouldn't leave the pharmacy without the bear and the balloon."
Burt snickered.
"I named the bear Kurty!" Finn beamed. "This is Kurty Bear! Isn't he the cutest thing you ever saw?" he cooed. He held the bear up before his face and rubbed their noses together. "Eskimo kisses!"
Kurt squeezed shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Burt laughed his ass off.
Carole was doing her level best not to snicker. "That's a very smart looking bear you've got there, Finny."
He nodded furiously. "Now I get to carry Kurt with me everywhere I go!" He peered down at the bear, scrutinizing it. "Kurty Bear needs a fabulous hat," he said decidedly.
Burt leaned against the wall and laughed so hard that tears were rolling down his face.
"Make it stop," Kurt whined.
"I want a hug," Finn pouted.
Carole held out her arms, puzzled when her son flinched away in horror.
"Not from you!" Finn exclaimed. "From Kurt!" He dived at his brother, who simply didn't have the room to maneuver away from the ambush.
"This was not listed among the possible side effects of his medication," Kurt said stiffly, as Finn proceeded to maul him.
Carole and Burt laughed harder.
"Kurt's the best brother ever!" Finn bellowed.
"He has no idea how loud he is," Kurt said calmly. "He can hear us just fine, but is unable to regulate the volume of his responses. I'd find it amusing if he hadn't spent half an hour in the pharmacy noisily proclaiming how adorable I am and that, with the right outfit, I could be the new spokes-leprechaun for Lucky Charms."
Burt cackled and slid down the wall, collapsing on the floor and sobbing with mirth.
"I'm so glad you're amused," Kurt coldly told his father. "We'll see how amused you continue to be when you receive the bill for the amount of retail therapy I will require to move past this trauma."
Burt began sobbing for a totally different reason as Carole's chuckling turned dark and rather evil.
Kurt nodded with satisfaction.
"You don't want to be my brother anymore, Kurty?" Finn whispered, his eyes bright. "Was I bad again? I'm so sorry I called you that mean word that one time. Please don't unlove me!" He started bawling.
Kurt sighed and shook his head. It was impossible to react as he normally would – using a spiked aluminum mallet to tenderize Finn's already doubtless mushy skull. His brother was just too loveable and cute like this to seek vengeance upon him. Once Finn passed out, however, it would be an entirely different story. So he sucked it up and put on a Happy Face.
"Of course not, Finn. You're a good brother and I love you very much."
Finn smiled tearfully and then frowned. "You don't think McCreepy followed us home, do you?" he asked in a panicked voice before darting toward the front door and peering out of the peephole.
"McCreepy?" Carole asked.
Kurt pursed his lips. "The attending physician at the hospital. I was not impressed with his attitude or bone structure. He talked down to Finn and attempted to intimidate me due to my age and sexual orientation."
Burt shot to his feet as Carol smirked.
"And what did you do, Kurt?" she asked knowingly.
Kurt brushed imaginary lint from his tie. "I may have used threats and intimidation myself, as well as causing him to question his chosen profession and place in this world."
Carole snickered. Burt placed a hand on his son's shoulder and congratulated him.
"Kurt was awesome!" Finn shrieked. "McCreepy was gross and wouldn't let me put on my pants."
"What!" Burt and Carole howled.
"An oversight, not a perversion," Kurt elaborated, "though I did make a note of it for him. I'm sure he'll be more careful in the future."
Burt smiled coldly. "I'm sure he will."
Carole embraced her stepson. "Thank you so much, honey. I knew I made the right decision calling you."
Kurt quickly hugged back and then pulled away, waving dismissively. "I was happy to do it," he replied. "Finn's my brother. I'll always be there when he needs me."
Finn burst into tears again.
Kurt sighed. "Come on, big guy. I promised you pizza and movies."
Finn cheered. "Whoop! There it is!"
Kurt blinked. "What."
It took twenty minutes for Kurt to get Finn settled in bed.
"What would you like to watch?" he asked.
Finn hemmed and hawed for several moments. "Something funny?"
Kurt nodded swiftly. "A comedy it is. Any preferences?"
"Clue."
Kurt's eyes widened. "You have Clue? You like Clue?"
"Best movie ever!" Finn screamed in a very good imitation of Oprah's Excited Voice. "I love that movie! Miss Scarlet is so hot!"
"She is indeed," Kurt agreed, "though I much prefer Mrs. White."
"Flames," Finn whispered. "Flames on the side of my face."
Kurt's eyes sparkled. "I had no idea, Finn. It's one of my favorite movies, too."
"Yay!"
"Okay, I'll set up the film and then go and get the pizza. What would you like to drink? I'd suggest juice. You don't want anything to upset your stomach. I think the pizza alone is pushing it."
"But I love pizza, Kurty," Finn pouted.
"What did I tell you about calling me that?"
"That I shouldn't?"
"Exactly."
"But it's so cute! And so are you!"
"Nonetheless…"
"You let Sam call you Kurty," Finn said accusingly.
"Sam is my best friend."
"Do you call him Sammy?"
"I do."
Finn thought hard about that. "Oh." He frowned, then emerged with a triumphant grin. "But you called me Finny before."
Kurt grit his teeth. "So I did." He sighed, crossing the room and inserting the DVD into the player. "I guess I'll allow it, but only in private. You may not call me that in front of our friends, especially Rachel."
Finn nodded seriously. "I promise."
"Acceptable, then."
A sudden realization dawned and Finn's eyes glazed, shining with fear. Kurt reeled back, instinctively knowing that Finn's revelation would not be pleasing; if anything, the potential for mental scarring would be severe.
"Kurty, I broke my jerking off wrist," Finn whispered in horror.
Kurt spun on his heel and charged toward the door. "I absolutely cannot help you with that."
"You'd help Sammy!" a belligerent Finn called out.
A horrified Kurt fled downstairs. The medication must have been wearing off, he told himself.
Finn smirked. "Knew it."
Two hours later, Finn had been fed and watered and sufficiently calmed down with Clue, happy to listen as Kurt recited the dialogue of the movie word for word. It was pretty cool, especially since Kurt could flawlessly mimic Wadsworth's posh accent.
Finn yawned and somehow remembered to cover his mouth in the manner which his brother was always harping on him to do. "I'm sleepy, Kurt."
Kurt shifted from the bed, where he had been an unwilling victim of a Finn Hudson Snuggle Attack, and rose to his feet. "Then you should sleep, Finn," he said gently. "It's almost time for your medication again. Would you like some warm milk?"
"Yes, please."
Kurt blinked and did a double take at the rare show of manners.
"Kurt, would you please call Quinn and tell her that I'm okay?"
Kurt pursed his lips. Ah, the reason for the manners manifests itself. "No," he said resolutely. "I have no wish to speak to her. What I will do is text her, or I will ask Carole to make the call."
Finn sighed piteously. "It really sucks that my brother won't even talk to my girlfriend. I like Blaine."
Kurt went rigid. "Blaine and I are not seeing each other romantically, Finn. We're just friends."
Finn tilted his head and peered up through his lashes as Kurt. "You're not kidding," he said softly.
Kurt shook his head. "I've told you before that we're not dating. We never were."
"Oh," Finn whispered. "I thought you were just saying that so Burt and me wouldn't give Blaine a hard time." His brow furrowed. "I'm sorry, I guess I was confused. I thought you liked him…that way."
Kurt swallowed heavily and averted his eyes. "I did. My feelings were not reciprocated."
Finn bit his lip. This wasn't fair and it brought up all of his regrets of that night in the basement, of how he hadn't been able to return Kurt's feelings and had instead lashed out in anger. It made him remember that there had been some moments where he had sincerely wished he had been able to love Kurt the way Kurt had wished. Because in some really crazy and scary way, his non-romance with Kurt had been the healthiest relationship he'd ever had.
Then his eyes focused and all of his anger shifted to Blaine. Stupid Blaine with his stupid hair and his stupid bird and his stupid dapperness.
Kurt should have someone, someone awesome like Finn had believed Blaine to be. But if Blaine didn't want Kurt, that just meant Blaine was completely lacking in awesome. What gay guy in his right mind wouldn't want Kurt? Even Finn had reached the point where he could admit, if only to himself and in a narcotic haze, that Kurt was majorly hot. Certainly hotter than Blaine.
Oh, maybe that had been the problem. Blaine must have realized that he was way out of Kurt's league. So maybe Blaine wasn't a complete asshole, but he'd have to think about it further.
Kurt deserved someone better, anyway. Kurt deserved someone who would hold his in hand in public and tell everyone in the vicinity how lucky he was to be acknowledged by someone like Kurt Hummel. He deserved someone who would love him back. Kurt deserved someone who had common interests and who was handsome and smart and strong.
Like Sam.
Oh.
"You want me to beat Blaine up for you?" Finn asked. "Because I totally will and it's sort of my job to punish idiot dudes who don't get how cool you are."
Kurt choked out a harsh peal of laughter even as he blushed so severely he looked like a stalk of rhubarb. "I appreciate the offer, Finny, but I don't think that will be necessary. He can't force himself to love me, and I wouldn't want him if he tried."
Finn nodded seriously. "What about Sam?" he asked, trying and failing for nonchalance. He narrowed his eyes; he wanted to know. "Kurt, you can tell me. I promise I won't get in his face or anything. I just really want you to be happy."
"Sam and I are very close friends," Kurt said primly. And then he shut his mouth.
Finn cocked an eyebrow as something niggling in the back of his mind came to the fore. Sam wasn't dating anyone. In fact, all of Sam's time was spent with Kurt and... "Santana?"
Kurt smirked. "Santana and Sam are also very close friends. I am very close friends with both of them."
Finn paled and shivered under his blankets. What the actual fuck? Kurt couldn't possibly mean…could he?
Kurt's smirk lengthened into a leer.
Oh. Holy. Shit.
Kurt dusted off his pristine outfit and strode from the room. "I'm going to get your milk and medication, then it's time for you to go to sleep. I will text Quinn, I promise," he called out over his shoulder.
"Thanks," Finn absently mumbled, mind blown.
Was Kurt having sex with both Sam and Santana? But Kurt was gay!
This couldn't be happening. This simply could not be happening.
Kurt didn't like girls. Mercedes had crushed on him hard and gotten nowhere. Brittany had dated him just for show, though it was pretty obvious she still carried a torch for him. The summer after she had given birth, Quinn had flirted pretty heavily with Kurt and had been shot down. After she had made out with Blaine, Rachel had come to the conclusion that it was really Kurt she wanted; Kurt had laughed in her face and then run screaming toward the nearest shower.
There's no way Kurt could be sexually interested in Santana. Right?
Oh god! Was Kurt having threesomes? Orgies? Was he using condoms? Did he understand how condoms worked? Was Kurt having steamy bisexual intercourse with Sam Evans and Santana Lopez?
Was there video available?
"Bad Finn!"
Kurt calmly walked into his kitchen and began preparing Finn's warm milk, alternately tuning in to his parents' conversation.
"I'm sure he'll be fine, Carole," Burt said kindly.
She raised an eyebrow. "This is Finn we're talking about."
He winced.
"Problem?" Kurt smoothly interrupted.
"Carole's just worried about how Finn will cope with both his injury and school, son," Burt said.
Kurt gave an elegant shrug. "Then allow me to put your minds at ease. Tomorrow I will be accompanying Finn to school, as Dalton is closed."
Carole blinked. "What?"
Kurt nodded. "It's the logical course of action. He will need help negotiating the halls and his classes, as well as opening his locker throughout the day and explaining his injury to his teachers and how it will impact him the next several weeks. None of Finn's friends share all of his classes and he needs someone who can take notes and collect his assignments. At lunch, I will coordinate his schedule with those of the other members of New Directions to ensure that they will be able to pick up the slack in the following weeks. They will, of course, comply with my directives."
Burt gave him a proud smile but then frowned. "What about that hockey player?"
Kurt gave an elegant shrug. "He doesn't scare me. He's now on record for harassment and making threats. If he tries anything, I'll just call the police and have him arrested. As I am no longer a student at McKinley, any confrontation between us is no longer a simple internal matter. Besides, I'll alternately have Sam or Santana with me throughout the day."
Burt gave him a look. "You really think Evans will want to hang around Finn after those shenanigans with Quinn?"
Carole growled. Quinn was not one of her favorite topics for discussion.
"It's not about Finn, Dad, it's about me," Kurt sniffed. "Everything important is, and if it's not, then it simply doesn't matter." He waited patiently for his parents' shrieks of laughter to subside. "Sam would never pass up the opportunity for us to spend more time together, so he'll put up with Finn for my sake." He raised an eyebrow. "No, Dad. Sam and I are not sleeping together."
Burt flushed heavily.
Kurt snapped his fingers. "That reminds me. Finn tried to be cute and lull me into a false sense of security to get me to discuss my romantic life, or lack thereof. Therefore, it was necessary for me to lay a trap into which he easily fell."
Carole brightened. "Do tell."
"Finn currently believes that I am having sex with both Sam and Santana."
Carole's laughter rang throughout the lower level of the house.
Despite his discomfort, Burt could see the sheer genius of his wily son's scheme. "Poor Finn," he sighed.
Kurt scoffed. "Oh, please. He's actively trying to involve me in his mess with Quinn and I've refused. They've made their metaphorical bed and now they will have to lie in it. After everything Finn went through because of Puck, he turned around and did the same thing to Sam." He shook his head. "I love Finn and I truly consider him my brother, but I don't owe him my allegiance when he's being an idiot, and certainly not when it would pit me against my best friend – the only friend who ever actively sought to defend me from my tormenters."
Kurt waited for it and smiled triumphantly when Burt's chest puffed with pride and appreciation for one Sam Evans. Burt actually adored Sam but felt the need to play the devil's advocate where his son was concerned. Kurt appreciated his father's care and worry, but they both knew Sam would never intentionally hurt him.
Kurt bustled around the kitchen to finish his preparations for Finn's milk. "Sam and Santana will be stopping by later. Santana needs me to plan her outfits for the next week and Sam is still convinced that I will learn to appreciate NASCAR the more he forces me to watch it." He hummed for a moment. "I think we'll have to coordinate a plan of attack. Why limit this delicious opportunity for scandal to just Finn?"
"How do you mean?" Carole tinkled, liking where this was going.
Kurt grimaced. "Apparently, Noah felt the need to laugh at Finn's injury. That is completely unacceptable."
Carole nodded.
"The one thing Noah understands above all else is sex," Kurt continued. "If I were to engineer a situation which caused him to believe that I am sleeping with both Sam and Santana, there is every possibility that his brain will implode and leak out of his ears, which would make Finn feel better and be terribly entertaining for me."
Burt snickered but tried to hide it with his hand, convinced that if he didn't laugh, it simply wasn't funny, even though he was roaring with glee inside. "Why are you telling us your nefarious plan?"
Kurt raised a brow. "Nefarious, Dad? Really? I'm so proud I could shoot a three-pointer from the line."
Burt rolled his eyes.
"You know how rumors run rampant in this town. It's easier to bring you both in at the beginning rather than allowing things to spin out of control and worrying you for no good reason."
Burt stared at him. "You're an evil little bastard, but you're a good guy."
Kurt cocked his head and smirked. "So, basically, I'm the gay you."
Carole collapsed over the table, beating it with a fist as she laughed uproariously.
Kurt then poured Finn's milk into his favorite mug and doled out his next dosage of Percocet, grateful that Finn would soon be asleep.
"By the way," he said, "I had the alleged medical professional write two separate prescriptions for Finn and then made photocopies of each of them. We don't want him completely zoned out while in school, so the second prescription is for a lower dosage. I'll deposit Finn in homeroom tomorrow morning and take his medication to the nurse. Percocet is a controlled substance, so there's a form you will have to sign, Carole, acknowledging that you are aware Finn is taking it.
"I'll also speak with Coach Beiste about his injury and upcoming physical therapy. I obtained references from Aunt Liddie for both an orthopedist and a physical therapist. I've already checked, and both participate with our insurance plan. I'll contact them tomorrow to set up preliminary appointments. I want to make sure that Finn will like them and actually work with them. There's no point in entrusting him to their care if he'll ignore their advice because he believes they're out to sabotage his relationship with Quinn or destroy America through the sale of toaster ovens."
Burt blinked. "What?"
Kurt sighed. "Please don't ask me to explain how Finn's mind works. It's frightening. In fact, I'm not sure which frightens me more: that I understand how he thinks, or that it's starting to make sense."
Carole nodded sagely, stood, and patted his shoulder. "Thank you so much for all of you've done, sweetie. It certainly looks like you've taken care of everything."
"I'm Kurt Hummel," he said imperiously as he strode from the room with a steaming cup of milk.
