He walks out on her. The sear of his lips is still burning the skin of her forehead as he disappears, out of the room and presumably out of the church.
He loved her. He's in love with her. He's said it before, but she left him when he did. Left his words bleeding out with his heart on the stone steps of the church that hosted her mother's funeral.
She almost forgot they existed, that they were ever true; she certainly didn't expect them to last.
Part of her curses her dad for this, for forcing Rick to honor a sadistic commitment, for shaking up the courage she mustered to walk down that damn aisle on her own and into Will's waiting arms. But it doesn't rival how much she hates herself in that moment, standing alone in the middle of a private room in a dress that is too extravagant, far from what she once imagined her wedding day looking like.
It's been over five years since she last saw Rick Rodgers, since she is certain she broke what was left of both their hearts on the day of her mom's funeral. She's regretted every day that she hasn't called him since.
She thought that Will would fill the void. That someone new, someone who doesn't remind her of the past, was what she needed, but seeing Rick again is threatening to prove all of her hopes wrong. Seeing him again reminds her why Will could never manage to take the place of her 'childhood sweetheart' who never even learned the truth.
She loved him back. Always has.
"Dammit," she growls, bundling the stupid skirt of the dress with too many sparkles in her fist and rushing for the door, poking her head out before exiting, just in case-
"Katherine Beckett," Lanie hisses, marching down the hall to stop her from making her escape. "I know that look, girl. You cannot go playing runaway bride on me right now."
"No, Lanie, you don't understand," Kate pleads, her eyes searching over her maid of honor's shoulder, desperate for a glimpse of him. "Rick-"
"Is waiting for you by the main doors, sweetie," Lanie placates her with a furrowed brow, the wheels of the M.E's mind already turning. Until sudden understanding bursts through her narrowed gaze. "Oh no. You have a history with that boy, don't you? And you didn't tell me?"
"It's a long story-"
"Ancient, modern, or sexual?"
"Lanie," Kate huffs, but stiffens at the sound of music, horror churning in her gut as the organ begins to play, tuning up for the wedding march. "I don't know if I can do this."
"Oh, honey, I already know you can't do this. You cannot marry Will with the way you look right now," Lanie sighs softly, squeezing Kate's arm. "What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know." She squeezes her eyes shut. "I don't-"
"Kate, what's wrong?" Her heart riots in her chest as Castle comes back into view, striding down the short hallway with concern brimming in his dull blue eyes. They cut to Lanie, before flicking back to her, softening in apology. "I'm sorry about earlier, if I upset you at all, but just - forget what I said. It's time to get out there."
"You're still here," she breathes, her chest too tight for much more.
Her two closest friends share a look, as if they're afraid she's going to collapse right there.
"Yeah, I just… needed a moment, but I keep my promises," he says again, offering up his arm to her - stiff, mechanical, and all wrong. This is all wrong. She can't honestly get married to another man with Rick here, standing in front of her with a mask of resignation claiming his face.
He offers a polite quirk of his lips when he notices her staring, forcing his mouth to spread into a strained smile, doing his best to maintain that brave face of support, indifference. Trying, he's trying so hard for her.
Beckett slides her fingers into the crook of his elbow without thinking, earning a disapproving look from Lanie as the three of them begin to walk towards the main chapel.
"Kate-"
Stall, she mouths the word before Lanie can give her another lecture, quieting the unease in her maid of honor's gaze. Lanie nods without a moment of hesitation and Kate vows to remember to thank her for all of this. No matter how things turn out by the end of the ceremony.
"She's nice," Castle muses as Lanie struts on ahead of them, entering the chapel with determination.
"Rick." He doesn't look at her, but he acknowledges the call of his name with the tilt of his head towards her. That isn't what she wants though and Kate tugs them to a stop before they can reach the end of an aisle she cannot fathom walking down. Not anymore. "I wish my mom was here."
Castle drops his arm to find her hand, giving her trembling fingers a gentle squeeze.
"I know," he murmurs, brushing his thumb along the rise of her knuckle. His eyes are staring straight ahead, but she can see the remorse festering his gaze, seeping down to push at the corner of his mouth. "I can't even imagine-"
"But I think if my mom, or even my dad, were still alive, I wouldn't be here right now."
Rick has steadfastly refused to look at her since he retreated from her dressing room a few minutes ago, but his eyes fall to her in confusion at the statement, the aching concern still in place. Kate uses the grip of his fingers to draw him away, back towards the corridor hidden away from the guests, away from the reminders of where they are, what she's about to do.
"It isn't an excuse," she begins, blinking against the tears crowding her eyes, burning in the corners and threatening to ruin an hour's worth of makeup. "But, Rick, I know that if my parents were here, they would have knocked some sense into me before I allowed my relationship with Will to go this far. If there had been a relationship with him to begin with."
"Why are you telling me this?" he whispers, his fingers untangling from hers. "It's - it's too late for this. You had five years to-"
"Rick-"
"Kate," he chokes out, clearing his throat. Trying to, failing. "You're just - this is just pre-wedding jitters, okay? You're only saying this because… because we have a history. I'm safe, familiar, but don't throw away your life with Will over something stupid I said-"
"I never would have let you go," she forces out, shaking her fingers free from his loose grasp and lifting both of her hands to his troubled face. It's the first time she's felt the warmth of his cheeks beneath her palms, the smooth shaven planes of skin and firm bones of his jaw. She yearns to know what it would be like to feel his smile blooming between her hands, to feel it beneath her lips. "I would give anything to go back to that day, to go back and fix this. I - I picked up the phone so many times, I wanted to call so many times. I wanted you-"
Part of her thinks it should feel wrong, tragic even, that the first time Richard Castle leans in to kiss her is while another man is waiting at the other end of church aisle for her. But when Rick's lips are just a breath away from brushing hers, his hands mimicking hers to cradle her cheeks and wiping away the trails of moisture on her skin - it feels too right to be anywhere near wrong.
"Daddy!"
Castle jerks, fingers slipping to flutter down the sides of her throat. His eyes fly to a redheaded child scampering towards them, her tiny hands covering her gasping mouth.
"Richard," the once familiar voice of Martha Rodgers scolds next, disapproval heavy in her vibrant blue eyes as she follows the child approaching them. "You promised."
"Promised?" Kate repeats, glancing between him, his mother, and the little girl staring up at her with blue eyes that are as bright and as brilliant as the man standing next to her. Wait- "Daddy?"
"Are you Kate?" the little girl whispers, inching closer with a shy smile.
"I'm - yes," Beckett stammers, swallowing with a great deal of difficulty, her throat painfully dry and her cheeks burning with embarrassment as her gaze flickers up to Martha.
"Hello, Katherine," his mother sighs, a tired but knowing smile tugging at her lips. "You look as breathtaking as ever, darling."
"Thank you," Kate manages, turning her head to dispel the linger of Castle's hands on her cheeks. But they don't go far, one falling to her waist while the other reaches for the little girl calling him 'Daddy'.
"Daddy, you promised you wouldn't crash the wedding," the girl huffs, sharing an exasperated look with Martha that would have Kate laughing if she wasn't so very confused.
"I did not crash it," he argues, hefting the redhead up to perch on his hip, holding her against the broad wall of his chest. "I was just-"
"I crashed the wedding," Kate cuts in, saving him from sputtering excuses to the little girl on his arm. She turns her astonished eyes over to Beckett, utter shock and awe that only a child can innocently pull off flaring through her gaze.
"Why would you crash your wedding? It's so pretty," the girl - his daughter? - reasons.
"I believe now would be a good time for introductions," Castle interrupts, returning the favor and squeezing the hard bone of Kate's hip. "Alexis, this is my friend, Kate. Kate, this is my daughter, Alexis."
"Daddy said you were his bestest friend when you were little," Alexis states, holding out her small hand to Kate and beaming back at her when Beckett gives it a gentle shake. Yeah, this has to be Rick's kid. The shine of her eyes, the curve of her pink lips, and the general charm this girl exudes – all practically inherited from the man carrying her.
"He was my bestest friend too," Kate chuckles, releasing Alexis's hand and attempting to step back, out of Castle's grip, but he doesn't seem to plan on letting her go.
"You two use past tenses and yet, your friendship seems alive and well to me," Martha muses, eyeing the two of them with a quirked brow that Kate remembers from their teenage years, when his mother would tease them about their relationship. Or lack thereof.
Kate would avert her eyes, Rick would blush, his mother would laugh at them both, snickering about it with Johanna later that evening while Jim shook his head and patted Rick's once scrawny shoulder.
"Mother, why don't you take Alexis and go back to your seats for now," Castle insists, pecking Alexis's cheek before placing her back on her feet.
Martha takes Alexis's hand, but doesn't appear the least bit convinced that they'll remain in their seats for much longer. "Will we still be witnessing a bride walk down the aisle?"
"Mom," he growls. Martha merely waves him off, starts back down the hallway with Alexis in tow.
"Whatever you decide, Kate, it was marvelous to see you again and I do hope we can catch up soon," Martha calls over her shoulder while Alexis twists around to spare one last glance to them.
"I hope so too," the girl chimes in with another toothy grin, skipping along at her grandmother's side with the light blue ruffles of her dress bouncing around her knees.
"I'm sorry," Rick sighs the second his mother and daughter – his daughter. Her former best friend has had a child within the last five years – are out of sight. "Mother insisted on coming and Alexis-"
"Alexis." He stiffens and she pulls her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. "I had no idea… but she's lovely, Rick."
Relief exudes from the exhale of his breath, the bloom of his smile. "Yeah, she's the best. I thought there was a chance you knew about her."
"No, you did a good job of keeping her out of the tabloids," Kate murmurs, picking at the sleeve of her dress, her thumb gnawing at one of the silver snowflake patterns. "I just - you're a dad."
"I am," he confirms with that soft smile she can't help catching. She always knew he would make a wonderful father someday, but she used imagine he would be much older. And that the kid would be hers. Shit, why didn't he find her sooner? Why didn't she find him? "A year after we… lost touch, I met a girl at a party, had a one night stand. She contacted me a couple of months later, informed me she was pregnant, that it was mine. I wasn't ready to be a dad, but I wouldn't trade it for the world."
The smile on her lips spreads a little wider, but wavers at the arrival of the next question in her head. "And her mom?"
"Actress in LA. I got full custody of Alexis after the divorce two years ago."
A father, a husband, and a recent divorcee. Wow.
She's pictured him as all but one of those.
They never would have divorced.
The organ music stops, restarts, the wedding march abandoned for a soft melody she recognizes from an elevator. Fuck, they're all waiting on her in there.
Kate runs a hand through her hair, feels the curls falling from their perfectly pinned positions to curtain around her cheeks.
Rick attempts to catch them, tuck them back into place. "Kate? Think you're ready to get out there?"
Her heartbeat picks up, pulsing painfully hard in her chest, and she glances up at him. His gaze is encouraging, hopeful, but oh, oh, he's actually hoping she'll say no.
She was about to kiss him mere minutes ago. How could she ever say yes? How could she ever say 'I do'?
An army of words is ready to attack from her lips, but they trip over each other, tangle on her tongue. "I-"
"Kate."
The hushed call of her name is echoing down the hall before the words can rally again, before she can even try to utter another.
Will is charging towards the two of them. His cheeks are red with the telltale sign of embarrassment, agitation sits in the tense set of his shoulders, and she hates herself a little more for the genuine confusion swirling through his gaze.
His spine grows stiffer the closer he gets, the line of his jaw deadly as he notices Castle. A dark flash of indignation flares in his eyes, worsening as they drift to the hand Rick immediately drops from her waist. She has to remind herself to take a step back, towards the man she's supposed to be marrying today.
"Kate," he repeats, coming to a stop in front of her. "What are you doing? The guests are getting restless and I - I've been waiting for my bride for the last fifteen minutes."
Kate attempts to scrape a hand through her hair again, but her fingers snag in the veil. "Will, I need to talk-"
"Better question," Will interrupts, crossing his arms over his chest and eyeing Castle like one of the criminals he deals with on a regular basis. "What's going on here?"
"Kate was just nervous," Castle steps in, plastering on the smile she's seen in the newspapers, on the television, and despite the chaos she's causing this very second, she yearns for the genuine quality of his lopsided grin. "Cold feet. Every bride gets them."
"And who are you supposed to be?" Will questions, not the least bit placated by Rick's lie.
"Will, can you just-"
"Beckett's best friend," Castle informs the other man with a defiant lift of his chin, matching Will's towering stance and crossing his arms. "The one with the job of walking her down the aisle."
"Funny, Kate never mentioned this when we were planning the wedding."
"It was a surprise."
"And as far as I know," Will continues, as if Rick never spoke. "Kate's best friend is standing up there with the rest of the bridesmaids, attempting to calm the crowd."
"Childhood best friend," Castle corrects, a smug flicker illuminating his eyes. "Her dad asked me to walk her down the aisle before he passed."
"And you think that gives you a free pass to feel up my fiancée in the hallway?" Will snaps, but Kate is done playing witness to the competition going down in the middle of a church corridor.
"Enough," she growls, channeling the voice she normally reserves for suspects. "Will, we need to talk. In my dressing room. Now."
Her fiancé scowls at Rick but strides past him, fuming the rest of the way down the hall. Beckett closes her eyes for a brief moment, takes a deep breath as the door slams shut with a loud echo that she's certain everyone in the building can hear.
"Had he already seen you in your dress?"
Her eyes peel open at the question, allowing her the image of her former best friend, his shoulders hunched and his spine tense like that time he punched Mike Sanders for calling her a bitch in sixth grade. But his eyes are on the door at the end of the hall.
"No," she sighs, smoothing a thoughtless hand over her abdomen.
The gown was a gift, an exquisite prize from a prestigious fashion designer after she inadvertently connected the dots on a case that wasn't even hers. She has yet to make detective, but the move definitely placed her higher on the totem pole in Captain Montgomery's eyes.
But it wasn't the dress she dreamed of as she a little girl, and while beautiful, it's never felt quite right. Not like her mom's dress. She should have known that her hesitation to share the gown with Will, to let him see her in something she held so close to her heart, was a glaring red flag.
"He didn't even mention how beautiful you look," Castle mutters, resolve burning bright in his eyes. "Kate, he doesn't even… I know I don't know him or - or you anymore, but you can't-"
"Castle," she mumbles, reaching forward to grip the lapels of his suit jacket, holding his eyes when they find hers. She can't do this right now, can't fix it, but she can assure him of one thing, a truth she has always been too afraid to admit since meeting Rick Rodgers seventeen years ago. "I don't think anyone could ever love me like you did."
