Welcome back! This story was inspired by both "Lincoln Loud: Girl Guru" and chapter 4 of Smoking Wrecker's "Linka and her Brothers" story. If you're reading this, thank you for the inspiration, and hope you all enjoy!
Inside the Loud House, all was quiet. The door slowly creaks open, and from outside came Lynn's head. He looks around and Lane's head pops in from above, "Is the coast clear?"
"I think so." Lynn and Lane walk in, holding their backpacks close to their chests. Lynn quietly closes the door and heads for the stairs, "Let's go."
As they slowly tiptoe up the stairs, carefully not to make the steps creak. Once at the top, they look up and down the hall, with Lynn looking right and Lane looking left, and then vice versa. After making sure no one was around, Lane tells Lynn, "Almost there."
Lynn turns to his big brother, using his thumb to point to his and Lars's bedroom, "Once we're inside our rooms, we're home free."
"Free from what?" Lane and Lynn jump as Lars appears behind them. Their backpacks fall to the ground, dumping what appears to be boxes with chocolate bars inside them. Lars says in his usual deadpan tone, "Gasp! Is that chocolate? Are you both insane?!"
Luke walks out of his room, "What's with all the screaming, dudes?" He gasps, "Is that chocolate? Are you both insane?!"
Loki and Loni burst out of their room and shout in unison, "CHOCOLATE?! ARE YOU BOTH INSANE?!"
As the other Loud's shouted, Lynn and Lane quickly shoveled the bars back into the backpacks, shoving everyone into the bathroom. Lynn shushes them, "Keep quiet, guys!"
Lane asked, "Do you want…" His eyes shift back and forth and he whispers, "the chocolate monster to hear us?"
Loni screams, "THERE'S A CHOCOLATE MONSTER?!" He jumps up into the bathtub and closes the curtain, "SOMEONE SAVE US!"
Lynn sighs, "We're talking about Linka, you idiot."
Lane explains, "If she knows we have this stuff, we'll be in a choc-a-lotta trouble!" He laughs, "Get it? But seriously, she can't know about this."
Loki reassures his younger brothers, "Relax. She's not home yet."
Lynn and Lane sigh, "Good."
Luke asked, "Why do you guys have that stuff anyway?"
Lynn answers, "It's part of a fundraiser for school."
"We have to sell it to people." Lane shrugs, "We tried to get out of it because of our sister, but no luck."
The door swung open, showing their sister, "Tried to get out of what?"
The brothers quickly hid the backpacks behind themselves, "Nothing!"
Loni opened the curtain and said, "I thought you tried to get out of selling chocolate."
All the teen bros and Lars facepalmed themselves, annoyed by Loni spilling beans. Linka smiles, "YOU GUYS HAVE CHOCOLATE?!"
Despite their protests that there wasn't any, Loni said, "I thought you guys had chocolate in your…"
Lynn covers Loni's mouth, "Nowhere!" They all gasp as they realize that the bag behind Lynn had tipped over and spilled out chocolate.
Linka glared, "You guys do have chocolate! Why didn't you tell me?"
Lynn told her, "Duh. Because we know you, Linka."
Loki crossed his arms and bluntly explained, "You're literally a Chocoholic, sis."
Luke told her, "You go crazy around the stuff."
Linka scoffed, "So I like chocolate; when has that ever been a bad thing?"
On Valentine's Day, Loki shows a giant heart-shaped box to Bebe, "Happy V-Day, babe!"
Bebe opens the box and sees no chocolate. Linka walks up, holding pieces of chocolate, "Hey, Bebe!" She pops a piece into her mouth, "You would've loved these."
Loki growls, his eye twitching.
On Halloween, Lars, Leif, Lexx, and Levi are in Levi's room, dressed as a vampire, a dog and a cat, and a Martian, respectively. As they sort their candy, the lights go out, making them shouting, excluding Lars. As the lights come back on, Lexx notices, "Hey! Where's all our chocolate?"
In her room, Linka is lying on a hug pile of chocolate candy, munching on a chocolate bar.
In the kitchen, Lane pours some milk into a glass. He grabs the glass, walking into the dining room. He sits down and gasps at the empty plate before him, "Hey! Where's my cake?!" He looks over to Linka, "Hey, Linka! Did you see…" He abruptly stops talking, squinting at his sister.
Linka was chocolate frosting around her mouth, her cheeks full of what appeared to be Lane's cake, "What?"
Lane shook his head, "Never mind. I can see your mouth is Choco full of cake." He laughs, "Get it? But seriously, I'm not happy."
Linka shrugs, "OK, so maybe I have a small problem with chocolate." She brings her thumb and index finger together to emphasis the 'small'.
Loki scoffed, "That's putting it mildly."
Linka crossed her arms, "Hey! I can handle my chocolate cravings! I'll prove it." She reaches out her hand, "Give me a chocolate bar."
"Sure!" Lane smiled, but then frowned and told her, "For $2."
Linka asked, "What?"
Lynn explained, "This isn't for us to eat, Linka. It's for us to sell for school."
Linka frowned, "Dang it." She starts to walk off, "I'm going to dig in the couch for money."
Lane places his hand on her shoulder to stop her, "Or… If you can promise to stay away from our chocolate, we'll give you something better."
Linka asked, "What could possibly be better than chocolate?"
"How about… more chocolate?"
Linka stays suspiciously quiet for a few seconds before she answers, "…Go on."
"Whoever sells 10 boxes of chocolate gets a Grand Prize," Lynn pulls out a catalogue and shows what appears to be some kind of chocolate-themed restaurant, "A free evening at Koko's Chocotorium!"
Linka gasped, her eyes sparkling, "Koko's Chocotorium?! The greatest chocolate eatery in the entire world!?" She smiles widely, "Why didn't you say so earlier?!"
Lane asks, "What do you say, Linka? You stay away from our chocolate, and we take you as our guest when we win the prize?"
Linka extends her hand, "Deal!" She shakes Lynn's hand, and then Lane's.
As they all walk off, Loni closes the curtain, "You guys go ahead. I'll stay in here in case the monster shows up."
In Levi's room, Lynn and Lane place all their chocolate into what appeared to be a safe underneath the carpet. Lane thanks the genius brother, "Thanks again, Levi. This will surely keep our chocolate safe from out sister." He laughs, "Get it?"
Lynn asks, "Are you sure this'll keep Linka from getting to our chocolate?"
"Not to worry, siblings." Levi closes the safe and punches in a code, locking it up tightly, "Thanks to the foolproof password I put in place, there is no way that our middle sibling will be able to pilfer your fundraiser confectionaries." Levi pulls out a remote, "But just in case, I have this remote, which will activate a laser security system that will, upon being touched, trigger an alarm that will wake us up in case of intrusion."
Linka sees this and asks, "Seriously, guys? Don't you think this a bit extreme?" The three of them simply look at Linka, cocking their eyebrows at her. This prompts her to reevaluate and reply, "Never mind. I see your point."
A couple of days later, Lynn and Lane return home, each holding five boxes in their hands. Lynn chuckles, "Man, we've got this selling stuff down!"
Lane nods, "You said it! I managed to get rid of half of my boxes in one go!"
"How?"
"Sold them to someone I have booked for my party business. They bought five boxes, and I get to use the chocolate to make pies."
Lynn grins as they both place their boxes on the table, "Genius!"
Linka walks in, "Hey, guys!" She whistles at how many boxes her brothers had left, "Looks like the selling's going well."
Lane jokes, "Yep. Once we sell the last five boxes, we'll be able to sell-ebrate. Hahahaha! Get it?"
Lynn comments, "By the way, nice job keeping your cool around our chocolate, Linka."
Lane jokes once more, "We co-couldn't be prouder. Hahahaha! Get it?"
Linka shrugs, "No big deal. It's been hard fighting the urges, but then I remember I'm doing it for Koko's Chocotorium."
Lynn cheers her on, "That's the chocolate!"
Linka gasped at his words and asked, "What did you say?"
Lynn repeated, "I said that's the spirit."
"Oh!" She chuckles nervously, "That's what I thought you said." She walks into the living room and asks herself, "What was that about?" She sees Loki and waves, "Hey, Loki. What's up?"
As Linka sits on the couch, her oldest brother replies, "Just watching some MMA." He points to the TV, "That move is called a chocolate bar."
Linka asks, "Come again?"
"I said it's called an arm bar."
"Oh. Right." She chuckles, and then gulps.
Leif comes in with some mud pies and asks Linka, "Hey, sis! Check out my chocolate pies!"
"What pies?"
"Mud. Duh!"
Linka starts to sweat, so she gets off the couch and heads upstairs, "I'm just gonna go upstairs now!"
Upstairs, she runs into Loni, who was holding two different colored fabrics, one of which looked like a giant candy bar, "Linka! Which do you think would look better for a new suit: Spring green or chocolate brown?"
Linka gulps.
Lexx appears holding a script, which looked like a giant chocolate square, "Hey, Linka! Could you help me go over my lines? I'm auditioning to be in a chocolate commercial."
Levi asks, "I'm creating tracking devices for our household pets. Has anyone seen my chocolate chips?"
Luke appears with his electric guitar, "Sup, sibs! Anyone up for some tasty chocolate?!" He then strums his guitar, his pick looking like a small piece of chocolate.
Before she knew it, everyone word was sounding like 'chocolate'. Linka screams, running for her room and slamming the door.
Her brothers stare at her behavior, looking quite confused, Levi commenting, "I guess she hasn't seen my microchips."
Linka huffs and puffs as she punches the dials on her lip phone. As it rings, she begs, "Pick up, pick up, PICK UP!"
On the other line, Claire answers, "Hey, Linka!"
"Claire, it's an emergency! We've got a Code Loco Cocoa on our hands!"
Claire gasps, "Oh, boy. I always knew this day would come."
"Mama needs chocolate, and she needs it bad! You've gotta help me!"
"Sorry, girl. I wish I would help, but I have to cut Cleopawtra's nails tonight, and it's not going to be pretty."
"Dang it." She hangs up the phone and remembers, "My emergency stash!" She reaches under her bed and pulls out a small jewelry box, which had a piece of tape on the lid that read "For Emergencies Only".
She opens the box, only to find a letter instead of chocolate. She reads it, "Dear Linka, I owe you one bar of chocolate. Love, Linka."
"Dang it!" She balls up the paper and throws it over her shoulder, "Keep it together, Linka. Maybe it's not as bad as you think."
She hears a knock on the door and hears her Mom call, "Linka! Time for chocolate!"
She gasps loudly, "WHAT?!"
"I said time for dinner!"
"I'm not hungry! I'm going to bed early tonight!" She turns off her light and shuffles into bed.
"O…K."
Linka closes her eyes, "All I need is a good night's sleep. Can't think of chocolate while I'm asleep!" She looks worried, "Right?"
Later than night, Linka is asleep in her bed, tossing and turning, a huge smile on her face, "Mmmmmm… Chocolate…"
In her dream, Linka is standing in a world where everything was made out of chocolate. She walks down a pathway that looked like a brick path, only with chocolate squares in place of bricks. She sees a Stop sign and takes a huge bite out of the side. She then runs to a house and breaks off the door handle and eats it.
She says to herself, "Oh, no! How will I get inside now?" She moves her eyebrows up and down, signaling that she was being coy, and proceeded to chew right through the door.
She walks inside and chews her way through the opposite wall, holding a TV and steadily chewing upon it. She tosses the TV aside and runs towards a fondue fountain, which she dives into and swims around in the chocolate, putting her head under one of the waterfalls and drinking it. She sees giant marshmallows beside the fountain. She hops out and stuffs her hands into two marshmallows, looking like she had two pillows on her fists. She dunks said marshmallows in the chocolate fountain and devours them with ease. She rushes over to a field full of chocolate bunnies hopping around, pooping out teardrop-shaped chocolates.
A bunny jumps into her arms, which she starts to pet, "Oooooh! You're almost too cute to eat!" She breaks off its head, "Well, almost." She tosses the head into her mouth and chews.
After that, it starts to rain chocolate milk. She sticks out her tongue, tasting the rain drops, licking her lips after, "Mmmmmm! Chocolate rain!"
She picks up a chocolate stick and stabs it into a giant peanut butter cup, using it like an umbrella. She walks out of the rain and proceeds to eat the peanut butter cup. Her eyes light up as she sees a line of floating malted milk balls. Her head pops off of her body and floats to the milk balls, a side view of her head showing Linka eating the line as she says over and over, "Waka-waka-waka-waka!" At the end of the line, the head pops back onto her body.
She goes to a tree and chews through it like a beaver. As it falls, she shouts, "TIMBER!" After it lands on the ground, she runs over and chomps down the tree. She sits beside a giant statue of her made out of chocolate. She lies down on her back and rubs her chocolate filled belly, sighing, "How could this get any better?"
She looks over to a pond full of chocolate bars and smiles, "Alright!" She runs over to it and starts shoveling them into her mouth by the handful.
The next morning, Linka wakes up and sees Lane, Lynn, and Levi standing over her, glaring at her, "Morning, guys! I had the weirdest dream! I was in a land of chocolate and eating everything in sight and-and I was sleepwalking and I ate your chocolate, didn't I?"
They nod, "Yes!"
She looks over to the safe and sees that the door was ripped off and tossed aside. Levi scolded, "I can understand disabling the lasers, but did you have to rip off the door like a savage animal?!"
Feeling quite guilty, she apologizes, "Lynn, Lane, I'm so sorry!"
Lynn sighed, "It's not your fault, sis. You were sleepwalking."
Lane joked, "We wouldn't dream of staying mad at you. Hahahaha! Get it? But seriously, this is bad!"
Lynn panicked, "We're so dead!"
Linka told them, "Don't worry, guys! We can fix this! I'm sure we can get the money to pay for all of this."
"I'm not so sure." Levi calculates, "Since you ate 10 boxes of chocolate, which has 20 bars a piece priced at $2 each, that places your current debt at… $400 American."
All three of them shouted, "WHAT?!"
Linka screeched, "I don't have that kind of money!"
Lynn shrugs, "None of us do!"
Lane sighs, "Well, guess we're up chocolate creek without a Prestel stick."
Lynn frowns, "Guess we'll have to tell the principal what happened."
"NO!" Linka stomped her foot, "We can't give up, you guys! We'll make that money back or die trying!"
Lynn thinks, "Die, eh?" He grins, "That gives me an idea."
Linka bluntly told him, "We're not faking our deaths and using the life insurance money, Lynn. That's fraud… which is illegal."
"It's only illegal if you get caught!"
Linka, Levi, and Lane all facepalm at the jock's suggestion.
The next day, the Loud Siblings begin to count what little money they could scrounge up. Lane counts the last coin, "And… 57. That makes $33.57."
Lynn sulks, "We're doomed!"
"No, we're not!" Linka encourages, "We can't give up! We're Loud's, and a Loud doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit'! We've just got to be creative! With all three of our heads, we can think of a way to make money!"
The three of them start to think, and Lynn almost instantly snaps his fingers, "I've got it!"
Linka tells him, "We are not robbing a bank!"
Lynn could only frown at this.
After this, a montage of ways that they would try to get money begins. Linka is shown to have set up a what appears to be a wooden stand that has a 'Boy Advice' sign on it. She has a line of girls already lines up, clamoring for her advice. Lynn takes what little of his own money that he has and bet it on games of basketball against other people. Lane went into town and began to perform street magic for people passing by, who were putting money into a top hat that he had beside him.
However, their success was short lived. While Linka had made a lot of money giving advice, she is soon bombarded with disgruntled customers, all of whom seemed to have used advice that would seemingly work on boys like her brothers, but not normal ones.
Lynn was counting major buckets and was confident in his next challenge. However, he was soon standing in the shadow of a black teenager who had a good 1 to 2 feet on the young boy. He gulps loudly at this. After the last basket of the game is made, the teenager had taken Lynn's money, making the jock say, "Great. I lost the money and I lost a game!" He sighs, "I hope Lane is having more luck than me."
After Lane performs a trick that made a random man sneeze out a handkerchief, the audience applauds him. He takes the top hat, which was overflowing with money and walks off. However, he is stopped by a gang of street performers, all of whom looked positively mad. Lane, realizing that he had taken their business, runs the opposite way, the other performers giving chase.
Back at home, the three of them sit at the kitchen table as Lane counts the money once more, "And… 16! That's $16!"
Linka points out, "Wait. Doesn't that mean we lost $17.57?"
Lynn slams his head on the table, "We're doomed."
Linka started to sweat, "No worries, guys! We can think of another way! I'm sure of it!" Lynn lifts up his head to speak, but Linka cuts him off, "If it has anything to do with a metal detector, a treasure hunt, or robbing a convenience store, I don't want to hear it."
Lynn glares, "I was going to say 'what's the point'? We're dead meat."
Lane stands up, "We're never going to raise the money, not at the rate we're going."
As the two of them walk away, Linka calls out, "Guys!" She rushes after her brothers. As she reaches the top of the stairs, she sees them going into the rooms, "I'm…" They both slam the doors shut, causing Linka to frown, "Sorry." Linka sulks back to her room, but rather than enter, she rests her back against the door and slinks to the ground. She brings her knees to her chest, holding them in place by wrapping her arms around them.
Rita comes upstairs and asks, "What's going on? I heard slamming doors." Rita sees her only daughter and asks, "What's the matter, sweetie?"
Linka sighs, "I messed things up, Mom." She stands up and walks over to Rita, "You know how Lynn and Lane had to sell chocolate for school?"
Rita nods, "Yes, and I'm very proud of you for fighting off your little… chocolate problem."
Linka shakes her head, "That's just it. I ate all of Lynn and Lane's chocolates that they were selling while I was sleepwalking, and now they're out $400 dollars."
Rita took a sharp breath, "Oh, sweetie…"
Linka shook her head, "I know, I know; they promised me that if I didn't eat any of their chocolate, they'd shared the grand prize with me. I was going crazy! Everything I heard or saw was chocolate, I was dreaming about it, and I'm pretty sure I was seeing brown spots all over my skin." She crosses her arms, finally coming to a realization, "The guys were right. I do have a problem with chocolate, and now it's going to get my big brothers in trouble."
Rita kneels down, placing a hand on Linka's shoulder, "Well, maybe you kids can raise the money another way."
"We tried, but we just ended up with less money than when we started." Linka sniffles, "It's all my fault."
Rita shrugs, "Well, I'm not going to say it isn't, but I will say it's not all your fault."
"Huh?"
"Lynn and Lane know what a problem you have with chocolate, and they tried to make you quite cold turkey."
Loni walks by, "I thought they tried to make her quit chocolate?"
Rita tells her second-oldest, "Not a good time, Loni." Once he walks away, Rita continues, "But, you do have a problem with that stuff, so tell you what: Why don't we work on just cutting back and eating it in moderation?"
Linka smiles, "Sounds like a plan." She sulks once more, "I only wish I had a plan to fix all of this."
Lane walks out of his room, "Well, guess I won't need all those pies anymore."
Linka asks, "What are you talking about, Lane?"
"You know the parents I sold all that chocolate to? The ones who hired me to make chocolate pies for a party?" He sighs, "Birthday boy decided he wanted to go to Dairyland instead. Now I've got 50 chocolate pies that are going to go to waste."
Linka then got a bright idea, "Lane, YOU'RE A GENIUS!"
Lane asks, cocking an eyebrow, "I am?"
The next day, Linka, Lane, and Lynn had set up a pie throwing stand, with Linka's head poking out of it. Lane calls out through a paper megaphone, "Step right up! Don't be shy! Throw a pie at my little sister! Just $10!"
Lynn scoffs, "This is crazy. Who's going to spend 10 bucks to throw a pie?"
Linka smirked, "You'll see."
"Hey!" The group from yesterday that Linka gave advice to showed up, "That's the girl who gave us all bad advice!"
Linka smiles, "That's me!"
One of the girls pulls out a 10-dollar bill and hands it to Lane, "It's worth every penny!" After her, more and more girls started to pay and throw pies at Linka.
As the pies were thrown, Linka merely smiled on, continuously licking up what little chocolate she could get off her face, "I could get used to this!"
The next day, Linka was sitting in her bedroom and tells the viewer, "Well, that takes care of everything! My brothers were able to get the money back, I learned a valuable lesson, and I got hit in the face with chocolate pies! All's well that ends well!"
Lane and Lynn barge into the room, Lynn tells Linka, "Hey, sis! Lane and I were thinking."
"We know you didn't keep up your end of the deal, but after that bright idea of yours, we've decided you've earned this." Lane pulls out his and Lynn's tickets to Koko's, "Care to join us at Koko's Chocotorium?"
Linka smiles at first, but then frowns and shakes her head, "No, thank you! I don't want to hear the word 'chocolate' for a long, long time!"
Linka and her brothers laugh at her words.
