{Edited: 8/21/13}
Logan's POV
Ever since the incident with Kendall, I haven't really felt anything but scared, alone, and confused. He says he loves me but… it can't be true. If he loved me, he wouldn't have put me through that much pain. Now every time I see him I feel insecure. Whenever I look at him, he looks away. I can't read his facial expressions. He looks blank almost, but with a hint of something else. Maybe regret, anger, fear… It's never a happy look. I think we've both lost our right to feel pleasure. Which is why Carlos has been pissing me off lately.
I mean, he's just a huge fucking ball of sunshine, isn't he? Just bouncing around without a care as if everything is all rainbows and unicorns. It's disgusting, really. I don't see how someone can go that long and not feel a single bad feeling. He doesn't even stop to think that sometimes we're not in the mood for his sunshiny bullshit. He's too busy basking in his own fun to realize that the rest of us are dying inside.
James isn't even talking to Kendall and I. He got all annoyed that we've been upset and started spending more time with Guitar Dude than I knew anyone could handle. It makes me really angry that he just up and stopped talking to Kendall and I without wondering what was wrong. He just thinks too much about himself to care. And now he's sitting by the pool, stoned as ever, pretending he can play the bongos and letting gross girls hang all over him.
I still can't get over what happened with Kendall. I mean, I used to consider myself bisexual but after being invaded that way by another guy, I can't even think about anyone in more than a friendly way, especially guys. I just feel so violated and so confused.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm too afraid to tell anyone, and yet too weak to deal with this on my own. James and Carlos won't talk to me about it, Kendall is out of the question, and Mama K might send me back to Minnesota. Actually, I'd be okay with that right now, because Gustavo is really pissing me off.
He knows that there's something big bothering me, but he keeps yelling at me anyways. He won't just calm down and let me be upset. It's really bugging me, and I can tell Kendall's not too thrilled either.
Right now, I'm so incredibly conflicted. We're at dinner. Carlos is stuffing his face, James is telling Mama K all about how Guitar Dude taught him how to surf today, and Kendall is too focused on his phone to look up at any of us. That leaves me, pushing rice around my plate solemnly, and Katie watching me with a sympathetic yet confused look on her face. She might just force me to tell her later.
I'm doubting that things will ever be okay again. This has been the scariest and loneliest week of my life, and I have nobody who cares. I'm so conflicted that I can't really stay stable for more than a couple hours at a time. When will this pain end?
