NoName-chan: I HAVE RETURNED~!
Allen, Kanda, Lavi, Tyki: FUCK YOU!
NoName-chan: Sounds like one hell of a fivesome~ Anyway, after however many votes as well as a vote from the lovely lady who requested this fic in the first place, today's letter will be Tyki's~!
Tyki: *groans*
Allen: *pats his shoulder sympathetically*
NoName-chan: Welp, you've all waited long enough as it is, so let's get on with today's letter! Who wants to do the Disclaimer~?
Lenalee and Road: We've got it~! NoName-chan does not own DGM~!
To Do:
-Give Sheryl back his thong (the hot pink one, not the polka dots)
-Hit up that 40% off sale at Shoe Carnival with Lenalee 5
-Figure out how to tell Vira that I'm NoName-chan's flamboyantly gay version of Tyki rather than that prick of hers who doesn't even understand the basics of shoe shopping without her dying of a panic attack
-Find my favorite rainbow booty shorts
-Tell Vira and Uncle Pedobear about when Allen was in the bathtub in the ballet tights and-
(NoName-chan: *blasts open the ceiling of Vira's Glitter Box with a confetti gun and somersaults in* AKAKAKAKOW MOTHERFUCKAHS~!) (Vira: *SCREEEEAAAMMM* WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL?! THE SKYLIGHT INSTALLERS WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE 'TIL NEXT WEEK!) (NoName-chan: *points the gun at Vira* THIS IS A HOSTAGE SITUATION! I NEED TYKI TO WRITE HIS LETTER TO THE PEOPLE OF FFN, AND IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO LET HIM OUT OF THIS GLITTER-SATURATED HELLHOLE-) (Vira: HEY!) (NoName-chan: -THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO KEEP YOU BOTH AT GUNPOINT UNTIL IT'S DONE!) ... Wait, so you are committing several crimes including Breaking and Entering and Assault that have a high possibility of getting you arrested, and yet all you came here for was to tell me it was my turn to write a letter...? (NoName-chan: *points the gun at Tyki* DID I FUCKIN' STUTTAH?! WRITE, DAMN IT!) HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET SOMETHING WRITE ON?! (NoName-chan: ... Well, for one thing, we're writing this entire conversation down for some reason, so you could probably just use this paper...) I CAN'T DO THAT! THIS IS MY TO-DO LIST! (NoName-chan: *sigh* Here, gimme the pen...) Um okay, but- HEY... WHAT ARE YOU DOI- AAAHHH! HELP! ASSAULT! (NoName-chan: Aaaaaand... Done! Now you can use the paper for your letter!) YOU JUST ATTACKED MY FACE WITH A GLITTER PEN! (Vira: *suddenly paying attention again* DID SOMEBODY SAY GLITTER~?) (NoName-chan: Actually, Tyki, CORRECTION: I wrote your To-Do list on your face so that you don't need the paper for it and can write your letter~) O.e (NoName-chan: Now, I presume that you already know what you're supposed to write?) I guess so...? But I'm probably going to have to write in the margins a lot since you've already taken up most of the actual writing space documenting your invasion of the Glitter Room... (NoName-chan: WHATEVER, just write!) Whatever you say...
Dear FFN People,
Hello! Tyki Mikk speaking... Er, writing! Like Allen before me, I have read many of your FanFictions. For the most part, I'm pretty complaint-free. However, I do have some concerns to voice:
1) I've noticed that I'm portrayed completely differently in different stories. For example, Vira's stories, I'm generally wise and sexy. (Vira: AS IT SHOULD BE!) Other people choose to portray me more as I appear in the actual Canon DGM series – sadistic, evil, etc. And then there are people who choose to portray me as a flamboyantly gay pedophile rapist with a passion for shoes, scarves, sass, and Lavi. (Everyone: *stare pointedly at NoName-chan*) (NoName-chan: Complain all you want, all that's gonna do is make me want to make Tyki even more OOC~) The point is, there is a reason for all of this: I have a multiple personality disorder. So it's not that any of you are WRONG about me; it's just that you're talking about different me's. (Vira: Wait... So which "you" are you right now...?) Currently? Well, since this is NoName-chan's story, I'm currently her flamboyantly gay pedophile rapist. (Vira: *squeak of pain* WHAAAAAT?) Sorry~ (Allen: Wait, what? Tyki, you don't seem very flamboyant right now...) (NoName-chan and Vira: *SCREAM* ASDFGHJKL WHERE'D YOU COME FROM) (Vira: HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?!) (Allen: *points to the door, which is wide open* The door was open...) (Vira: ... So it is... *closes the door and locks it*) (Allen: Anyway, back to my point: Tyki, if you're NoName-chan's Tyki, then why do you seem to be so... Not NoName-chan-ish?) Oh, Allen, that's simple: NoName-chan's actually trying to keep me somewhat in-character so Vira doesn't start hyperventilating. (Vira and Allen: 0.0 ... *look at NoName-chan*) (NoName-chan: *balancing her confetti gun on her head* GUYS! GUYS! LOOK! :D) *sweat drops* Okay... Moving on...
2) Why do so many people think I'm a pedophile?!
It seems like I'm a child molester in 90% of the FanFictions I'm in! Seriously, what the hell is that about? (NoName-chan and Allen: ... Wait, so you're saying... You're NOT a pedophile...?) NO! Shouldn't that be obvious? I do NOT rape kids! (Road: BULLSHIT YOU DON'T!) (NoName-chan, Vira, and Allen: *SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMM*) WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?! O_O (Road: *points to the hole NoName-chan blasted in the roof* The ceiling was open.) (Vira and Allen: ... *stare at NoName-chan accusingly*) (NoName-chan: *ignores them* SO ROAD, care to elaborate on the point you were presenting~?) (Road: Right, right... *points an accusing finger at Tyki* LIKE HELL YOU'RE NOT A PEDOPHILE!) BUT I'M NOT! (Road: Oh, really? Then how do you explain that time when you found Allen in Lulu's bathtub wearing ballet tights and you-) (Allen: *slaps a hand over Road's mouth* WE NEVER SPEAK OF IT!) (Vira: *FACEWALL* IS ANYBODY EVER GOING TO EXPLAIN THE BALLET TIGHTS INCIDENT?!) (NoName-chan: *shakes her head 'No'*) THAT IS NOT A FAIR ARGUMENT, ROAD! I MEAN, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS IN THERE WHEN I WENT TO ASK LULUBELL ABOUT THE JASDEVI THING?! (Road: THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU WERE NAKED!) (Vira: He was NAKED?! *passes out from a nosebleed*) I WAS GOING TO TAKE A BATH AFTER I ASKED ABOUT IT! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ALLEN WOULD BE IN THERE?! (Allen: That doesn't give a reason why you then proceeded to-) (NoName-chan: SO HOW ABOUT THAT WEATHER?) (Allen: And then you-) (Road: *looks up at the ceiling hole* PRETTY GOOD!) (Allen: Then you took the toilet plunger, and-) (NoName-chan: THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR!) (Allen: -So, yeah.) (Vira: *eyes shoot wide. Sits straight up* MY EXPLANATION SENSES ARE TINGLING!) (NoName-chan: You JUST missed it.) (Vira: *FACEWALL* I HATE MY LIFE!) (Allen: So, Tyki, got any reasoning for that incident?) ... Just one thing... (Allen: And that is?) You look good in ballet tights... (Road: SEE?! YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE!) *stares at Allen wide-eyed* He's a CHILD?! (Road: *facepalm* YES, he's a child! He's only 15!) *staaare* How's that a child? (NoName-chan, Vira, Allen: ...) (Road: ... Wait, you DO realize that people aren't considered legal adults until age 18, right...?) ... Wait, it's NOT 10...? (NoName-chan, Vira, Allen, Road: *facepalm * And that explains EVERYTHING...) ... Moving on…
3) WHY does everyone think I'm gay?! I'm only gay in THIS personality! All my other ones are STRAIGHT! (NoName-chan, Vira, Allen, Road: ... We're not buying it.) WHY NOT?! (Allen: You were NOT in this personality during the ballet tights incident-) (Vira: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THE BALLET TIGHTS INCIDENT?!) (Entire World: *ignores*) (Allen: -AND I HAVE YET TO SEE YOU GET ALL TOUCHY FEELY WITH ANY FEMALES, WHILE YOU LITERALLY STUCK YOUR HAND INTO MY CHEST!) IT WAS MY JOB! (Vira: NUUUUU IT WAS NOT! YOU'RE GAY! DEFINITELY GAY! YOU HAVE TO BE OR I'LL CUT YOU! *holds up a glitter-covered Miranda knife* 0^0) O_O (Road: Wait, in his defense, I HAVE seen some of the lovers he's brought back before! They were female!) (Vira and Allen: NO WAY!) (Road: YES WAY!) (NoName-chan: GUYS, GUYS, STOP ARGUING! The answer is obvious! He's bisexual!) (Vira, Allen, Road: ...) ... (NoName-chan: ... And European?) (Vira, Allen, Road: *snap their fingers in realization* OOOOOOH!) ... Huh, that actually makes sense... (NoName-chan: *smirks* Case closed~)
Well, I guess I'll move on to, last but not least, 4) Why am I shipped with Lavi so much?! (Vira: I DON'T-) (NoName-chan: *slaps a hand over Vira's mouth* SHUT IT!) I only see him, like, twice in the series! Where is this coming from?! Why is this a thing?! (NoName-chan: Because it's fucking hot~) Well, I'll give you that since I'm in my flamboyantly gay form, but still! (Vira: MMPH MMPH MMPH!) ... What? 0.o (NoName-chan: *rolls eyes* She says, "HARDLY ANYONE SHIPS LUCKY!) ... What do you mean? (Road: *nods head* Yeah, what she says is true! Not a lot of people ship it!) ... Then why is it canon in NoName-chan's "D Gray-Show"? (NoName-chan: *smirks* Because I'm hot and I do what I want~!) (Allen: PFFT, HOT-) (NoName-chan: *hits Allen over the head with her shovel* BITCH, I'M GORGEOUS AND I HAVE AN ALIBI FOR IT, SO DON'T INSULT ME YOU ALBINO PIECE OF FUCK!) ... Well... If Lavi and I aren't actually that big of a ship... This point isn't really all that important anymore... (Allen: *rubbing his head* Wait, don't you like Lavi anyway? 0.o) ... Oh yeah, I'm in this personality, I guess I do... (NoName-chan, Allen, Road: *FACEPALM*)
Well, I'm running out of margin room on this paper, so I think it's about time for me to wrap up this letter. If there are any points I made that weren't contradicted, please consider them! Now... *looks at NoName-chan* Mind busting me outta here? (NoName-chan: Yeah, sure why the fuck not? *grabs Tyki and ninja flips my way out of the glitter box through the hole in the roof* AWAYYYY~!) (Vira: *SHRIEK* MY TYKI! *sobs* NOOOOO! T~T) (Road: I'm gonna bail, too. *pulls out Lero and flies after NoName-chan on him* Later~!) (Allen: *looks after us* WAIT, WHAT ABOUT ME?! 0_0) (Vira: *stops sobbing and looks at him. Holds up glittery duck tape and grins*) (Allen: O_O)
Sincerely,
Tyki Mikk
P.S. That sale at Shoe Carnival with Lenalee? FUCKING AWESOME! (NoName-chan: *hits him over the head with her shovel* DON'T WRITE THAT ON HERE!)
NoName-chan: WOO! That one was a whole 1,000 words longer than the first one~! (Of course that one was only about 500 or so words without Author Notes, but whatever…) But, yay~! Another letter down! Did you like what I did with the glitter room take-over? :D For those of you who didn't know, that was referring to the Endnote of Allen's letter where Vira stole Tyki and disappeared. So, I figured that we might as well take the party to the glitter room, and I'm glad I did! It was fun~! AND we rescued Tyki with no harm done~!
Allen: *taped to a chair with glitter duck tape with Vira squeezing the life out of him* AHEM?!
NoName-chan: *hits him over the head with my shovel* NONE~!
Elvira Rayne: *gets hit in the head as well* OW! NoName-chan!
NoName-chan: ... Whoops…
Elvira Rayne: Not 'Whoops'! I want a handwritten apology delivered to my house along with a barrel of glitter and your confetti gun!
NoName-chan: … *pulls a lever*
*floor opens up under Vira*
Elvira Rayne: *falls* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh….!
Kanda, Lavi, Lenalee: O_O
NoName-chan: *brushes hands together* Problem solved~
Allen: YAY, I'M SAFE~!
NoName-chan: Actually, you already did your letter, so… *pushes him down the chute* Have fun~!
Allen: *falls* YOUUUUUUUU BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttch….!
NoName-chan: *pulls the lever again, closing up the floor* Now, where was I…. Oh yeah! I hope you guys enjoyed this letter! It wasn't as easy to write as Allen's was so it probably didn't flow as well as that one, but still!
Tyki: *sobs* You ruined my To-Do liiiiiiist! T~T
NoName-chan: *rolls my eyes* Oh, come on, I wrote it on your face!
Tyki: But I forgot about it and washed my face after the Shoe Carnival sale with Lenaleeeeee! T~T
Lenalee: *hugs mountain of shoes* That sale was amazing though~! ^-^
Tyki: It waaaaaas~
Kanda: *rolls eyes* Che, homo.
Tyki: UM, CORRECTION: I'm bisexual!
NoName-chan: Aren't we all~
Kanda, Lavi, Lenalee, Tyki: *stare at me* …
NoName-chan: Don't give me that look, in the world of shipping, gender isn't even an object!
Road: Hm, good point…
Lenalee: B-But… yaoi! D:
NoName-chan: *hands her some doujinshi* Here, now shut up!
Lenalee: *hugs the yaoi and jumps in joy* Yay~! ^-^ *runs out of the room*
Tyki: Hey, share! *runs after her*
NoName-chan, Kanda, Lavi, Road: ….
Lavi: *looks at me* So, who's writing next?
NoName-chan: That's up to the readers~! So, who should be next? Please review and tell me! Oh! And thank you guys for the 18 reviews on Allen's letter! I couldn't believe I got so many for such a short amount of writing~! :D So, once again, please review and thanks for reading~! ^.^
