AN: Kay, here's the next part. Just a heads up, there are obvious triggers in this story considering they are in an abuse group so just keep that in mind when reading. Here's a glimpse into Cat's world now. Thx
Xox
B
Chpt 2 Cat's POV
It was weird seeing Jade again. She was completely different from how she was in high school and yet, somehow, still kind of the same. She had let her hair go back to its natural color and took out the highlights. She scrapped the "goth" look and favored more loose fitting clothing, but still wore dark colors. But more than that, she wasn't nearly as guarded by anger as she had been. It was the first time I saw real emotion other than fury in her eyes, and it kind of scared me. I'd seen her a few times on campus before that meeting, but never once thought it was really her. Sure, seeing her sent a pang of hurt through my chest and made it hard to breathe, but I always rationalized that it couldn't be her. No one knew where she went after graduation, she just up and left. Plus, Berkley is huge, so the likelihood of it being the girl from my past was so slim I just chocked it up to everyone having a look-a-like somewhere. Just my luck that it would be her.
I felt bad when she said she hadn't told anyone where she went on purpose, to get away from her past. I kind of fucked that up for her, I guess. But I understand it. Like Jade, I made a point to not go to a college that any of our friends had decided to go to. I spent four years (and more) playing this part, but I made a promise to myself that when we graduated, that would drop. The mask would fall 'cause no one would know me wherever I went. I didn't have anyone to impress or a role I had to play.
But of course, that got all sorts of messed up that day. I know she saw the obvious changes in me. I can only imagine how I look in Jade's eyes. Sadly, it's the first time she's seen me when I'm not hiding. It's the first time she's actually seen me. And I don't think she liked what she saw. But that's none of my concern anymore. I don't care what others think of the tiny girl who barely talks and spends basically all of her time alone when she isn't in class. So, by default, I can't care what she thinks either.
Sitting up on my bed, I winced and hissed in pain. It still slightly amazes me that I can forget when I do shit like this. Absently, I run my fingers over it lightly before forcing my body up and towards the bathroom. Tia, my roommate and fellow Dance major, was already up and in her first class. Even though the Dance department is tiny, we only had one class together since she focused on Ballet and Jazz and I stuck to Modern and Hip-Hop. I sighed and gazed at her brightly colored side of the room. We had a pretty large dorm room, since we were upperclassmen, and it was suite styled. A large combined room with lofted beds, dressers and a desk for each of us. Then a small kitchen off to the side and an en suite bathroom next to it. My eyes trailed over the colorful posters of dancers in poses, the flowery comforter, and furry stuffed animals covering her bed. It made me smile sadly at how much this girl was almost my twin, or would have been if we'd met in high school. She was still so innocent and child-like. I was dreading having to share a room again this year, but our arrangement actually worked out well. We had similar schedules so rarely had time to be in the room, let alone together, and when we were both here, it was almost an unspoken rule that if she wanted to hang with friends she went elsewhere. Otherwise, we'd have weekly movie nights on Sundays and just spent the time talking about everything and nothing. I may not be the most social person anymore, but I still liked meeting people and talking to those close to me, which were few and far between. And, thankfully, Tia knew me well enough to not push it when she could tell I wasn't up for mindless chatter. I was shaken out of my thoughts as my alarm blared at me, reminding me it was still Friday so I had to get my ass in the shower and ready for class.
It had been a long day. We were working on a new play that would be on stage in a few months and I was cast as one of the leading roles. It wasn't anything new, but I still got a little thrill when I was granted a big role. It shouldn't surprise me, though, that acting came second nature for me, when it was pretty much my daily life for the better part of 6 years. Wiping the sweat from my brow, I grabbed my water bottle and smiled lightly at a few girls who were in one of my hip-hop technical classes as they waved and left the studio. Just as I was lifting my sweaty t-shirt over my head, my phone vibrated. It was a text from Tia, telling me I didn't have a choice but to go to a party with her tonight. Sighing, I replied back.
C:
Really, T? I'm not so much in the mood for this tonight…
T:
Yes, really. You have only been out like once since the first party so yes, you're coming. It's just a dance party. Besides, I need a DD ;)
Even though I tried not to smile, I couldn't hold back the chuckle that slipped from my lips at my friend's antics.
C:
Fine, but you owe me for this. I'm just finishing up dance, then have to meet with my modern group for an hour so I'll see you back home in a few hrs and we'll go… You're lucky I like you.
T:
You're the best! Love you hun xoxo
By the time I was done with practicing with my modern group and grabbing a late bite for dinner, it was dark and getting late. When I got to our room, Tia was sprawled out on her bed on her stomach, legs kicking in the air mindlessly, while she was tapping away on her laptop and humming to a new Kelly Clarkson song that was playing from her iHome.
Dark eyes looked up at me and she smiled, "Hey, C. How was practice?"
I gave her a small smile back and dropped my bag by my bed before crawling up next to her and using her back at a pillow. "It was exhausting. Sometimes I wonder how these people are dance majors, but then I remember we're only in our second year and it makes me cringe."
Her hearty laugh filled the room. Though my roommate was mixed and really just looked like she had a great tan and was possibly Italian, it was characteristics like her laugh that brought out her African side.
"Yeah, it kills me sometimes, too."
I rolled over so I could look at what homework she was working on. It was the assignment we had for History of Dance due next week, such an over achiever. "So, who's party are you dragging me to this time?"
"This guy, Darren, and his roommates are having a party at their house," she said, pulling nervously on a loose curl that fell around her face.
I raised an eyebrow at her obviously nervous behavior. "This 'Darren' the same one you got with on and off last year?"
She paused and bit her lip before nodding. I just sighed. There wasn't much I could do here. She had explained their relationship to me months ago when we met the first few weeks and it was obvious she loved him, he was just a complete ass and never seemed to treat her well, always trying to get in her pants. Thankfully, she was smart enough to know not to give it to him, and saving her first time for someone who actually treated her decently.
"Well, I guess it's a good thing I'm coming then. But you're not spending the night 'cause I'm not dealing with drunk, horny guys by myself all night." With that I jumped off the bed and headed to the bathroom to shower and get ready to leave.
The night was warm so I decided on a short, black jean mini skirt and a dark red tank top for the occasion. My gorgeous roommate, on the other hand, dressed it up a bit with her blue, cotton tub-top dress. Tia's small, like me, maybe only an each taller so, like 5'3" but had muscular legs that dwarfed mine. She was also bigger than me in the chest area. The darker girl constantly was cursing her mother's Latin genetics for her thicker legs and her Black grandmother's for leaving her with a voluptuous bust. As she puts it, "it makes shopping a living hell trying to find something that I won't drown in but won't suffocate my boobs either". Linking arms, we headed across the street and through the few blocks of neighborhoods towards the party. I know what you're thinking: "Didn't Tia say you were her designated driver?" And you're right, she did. But I guess "DD" isn't the correct term, technically. I'm the "DW" tonight, as in "designated walker". When ever we go to parties, which isn't often, one of us stays relatively sober so we can walk the other one home safely and make sure nothing bad happens while at the party. And since we both don't have cars on campus, we only go to parties within walking distance and avoid the dangers of driving in California on a weekend night.
It was just past 10:00 when we walked up the porch of the obvious college house. It was what you'd expect it to be when four underage guys live there: loud music blaring through not-the-best-speaker system, couches pushed to the walls of the living room to have space for a make-shift dance floor, beer pong table set up near the kitchen, teenage bodies strewn about the house holding red solo cups and talking loudly over the music, and of course the occasional couple who looked to be about having sloppy sex on the couches or against a wall. It was not my scene. I just sighed and squeezed the arm in mine slightly before being dragged to the kitchen for a drink. Tia poured us each a shot of what looked like cheap tequila while I made us cran-vodka mixed drinks to wash them down with. With a clink of the shot glasses and a wink at each other, we tossed them back and grimaced at the horrible burn that the alcohol caused. It surprised me the first time I took a shot last year at a party similar to this one, considering I had never drank before college, I expected to choke and sputter at the acidic taste, but instead I just welcomed the internal burn. We threw back one more shot before grabbing our drinks and deciding to go look around and see who else we knew at the party.
Turns out, Kayla and Kara, two other girls who we knew from our floor, were there as well so we all chatted in the living room and observed our more intoxicated peers. It didn't take long for the shots to make themselves known in my system, being that I hadn't eaten much that night, so I decided to hold off on another one when the other three girls headed back into the kitchen. Heading over to one of the few empty couches, I sat gingerly on the edge and continued to look around at the blur of faces, occasionally wrinkling my nose to the smell of too much axe spray and sweat/body odor that wafted around the room. After a while, Tia came back, hand-in-hand with Darren and said they were going to dance so she pulled me up with her. The bass was thumping hard and vibrating the floors but I let myself go and just moved with the music. Next to acting and singing, dancing came completely naturally to me and always had. Tia grabbed my hand and pulled me flush against her front while she was rubbing her backside against a clearly aroused Darren. She was drunk. The girl was always pretty affectionate but she only danced on me like this if she was intoxicated. She knew my feelings on the matter so it didn't bother me as much as it did the first time she had pressed herself to me. I closed my eyes and breathed in her familiar scent that had come to relax me. It wasn't long before she leaned in closer and pressed her plush lips against mine. Like every time before, I held her steady with my hands on her hips and kissed her back with my eyes closed tightly. We got a few catcalls and some guy came up behind me, making his arousal evident when it pressed into my back. I broke our kiss to look at the guy behind me. I'd never seen him before but he wasn't bad looking. Either way, it didn't matter, he was just a body to dance with. We danced at a four-person line for a while, Tia kissing me a few more times, before the guy (who I still didn't know the name of) pulled me by the hand towards the stairs.
Turns out, he must have been one Darren's roommates since he high-fived the African-American guy dancing with Tia before pulling me up the stairs. I just trailed behind, not resisting. I shot Tia a look saying I'd be back soon and to not even think about leaving the dance floor while I'm gone; she just smiled sadly at me in her drunken haze. Before I made it all the way up stairs, I caught a pair of green eyes I hadn't noticed were watching me this whole time. Jade stood by the front door, leaning against the door jam with a drink in hand, nodding absently to the blonde next to her, who I recognized as the blonde with a highlight from group. I don't know what it was about the way she was looking at me but it made me feel more ashamed and dirty than I usually do. After a few moments that seemed to last hours, I broke her gaze and followed the guy down the hall towards what I assumed was his room.
After kicking out a couple who was making out on his bed, the guy (who I learned later's name was Kevin), closed the door and locked it before locking his rough lips on mine. I closed my eyes and pushed my mind into the familiar nothingness, trying to imagine myself anywhere but here. As he groped at my breasts, he lead me to his unmade bed and laid me down before crawling on top of me. I kept my eyes closed but could hear the zipping sound of his pants and the rustling of clothing when he pushed my skirt up and panties off. Normally when this happens, I can make myself completely numb while they pound their sweating bodies into me. I can act on autopilot, making all the right noises, when they pinch my nipples and bite my neck. But for some reason, all I could see behind my eyelids was Jade's concerned face. She knew what was going to happen. I could see shock, concern, and most importantly disappointment in those emerald eyes and that just about ripped me in half. He was done in a few minutes and pulled out to zip up his pants again. I rearranged my panties and skirt again, smoothing out my shirt. I breathed a sigh of relief when I noticed the used condom on the floor when I walked out; I had been so distracting in seeing Jade that I had forgotten completely to make sure he used protection.
When I got back down stairs, I didn't see the dark haired girl anywhere so I just searched for my roommate. She was making out with Darren on one of the couches and he was letting his hand travel higher and higher up her bare thigh. I kicked his shin, making him pull back and yelp in pain, before protesting and calling me a bitch. I just smirked at him with as much hate in my eyes as I could muster and pulled Tia up. The girl was hammered by this point, so I told her we were leaving now. She let me lead her towards the door without protest. As we stepped off the porch to make our way home again, those eyes stopped me again. The two girls were outside sharing a cigarette. I nodded to Jade with a small smile, avoiding her knowing gaze before pulling Tia out of the yard and back through neighborhoods. When I chanced a glance behind me, Jade was still watching me with an unreadable expression.
It took us significantly longer to get home than it did to get there considering we had to stop twice to let Tia empty the contents of her stomach into the gutter. I never could handle people being sick, so I held her hair and rubbed her back while trying to hold my breath and look away. Once home I helped her out of her dress and into the shower, washing her body and hair lightly while still supporting the majority of her weight. Thank god she's not much bigger than me or it would have proven much more difficult. Drying her off, I put her in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before helping her into bed. I tucked her in and kissed her forehead before turning back to my own clothes to get ready for bed. Just as I was slipping under the sheets and clicking off the light, Tia mumbled something.
"I dun know why youz alwaysss do dat, C… You not ea-easy an-an don hafta let 'em touch you…"
I sighed into the darkness and stared at my ceiling. She didn't understand why I let guys use me for sex, and honestly, I don't really either. But it's just something that happens and something I'm used to so I just let it happen and tell myself it can't hurt me since I dissociate myself so much during those episodes. I listened to the deep breathing across the room and rolled over, thinking my roommate was asleep.
"I love you, C, don forget that… ever." It was whispered so quietly I almost thought I had imagined it. A hot tear trailed out of my left eye and dripped off the bridge of my nose. It was rare for me to feel much of anything after one of these nights, usually just forgetting anything ever happened, but tonight I felt completely dirty and worthless. Sniffling back more hot tears, I whispered "I love you, too" back and listened to my heart beat that was the only thing that let me know I was still alive.
