A/N: Hey, everyone! First of all, I want to thank Soulless Ghosty for being my first reviewer, kim-onka for the helpful advice and suigetsu-is-da-bomb. Second, I don't own -man! I always forget disclaimers, always...
Chapter Two: Love and Death
A fierce rush of air roars its presence in my ears as I gingerly step outside. It is nighttime. In the darkened sky, the stars dare to shine with a quiet luminescence, exposing themselves from an opaque veil. Upon the path, I fight the pressing wind and wrap my cloak tighter around myself. Then I see her ahead, peering from behind her.
Lenalee is barefoot, wearing nothing but a thin nightshift. Her hair is loose, grown longer now, and it's like a raven's wing. It unfurls with the harshness of the wind, rippling out like a silk curtain full of air. As usual, her fragile, thin form is pale and tiny in comparison to the entire round of scenery— the looming, towering trees, the plump silver moon, the abysal dome of the sky, and the spray of countless stars blazing within it.
Why is she out in the middle of the night like this? I wonder.
"Lenalee!" I call, the wind biting at my face and entering my mouth, to my discomfort. Either she fails to hear me, or she chooses not to, for she doesn't acknowledge my presence in any way at all.
"Lenalee!" No reply.
Sighing, I walk up to her and put a hand on one of her smooth, ice-cold shoulders. "Lenalee? You'll catch your death for God's sake. Come inside."
She doesn't respond. This time I take a more forceful approach. I take her by the shoulders and turn her physically to face me.
"Lenalee!" I shout over the loud rush of wind. "Lenalee, answer, for God's sake!"
Her eyes are like a fresh, uncut amethyst, just unearthed from the dirt ground. Eyes that are emotionless, jagged, and almost glazed over. Deeply, I stare into them.
"What are you doing, Kanda?" I somehow hear her murmur.
"Nothing," I say, removing my hands from her shoulders. My eyes are scanning over her wide face and soft rosebud lips. She's really beautiful. I can't hold it in.
Then I snap out of it, scowling. "Che. Get yourself inside. You won't be any use to the Order if you catch a cold," I say.
She looks at me with wide, sad eyes. Gritting my teeth, I turn my face away from hers.
"I know what you're thinking. It's what everyone asks me. Why am I so cruel? Why don't I care? Oh, I know it. I know it well. Everyone just hates me. Well, that's a crapshoot. Why should I care in the least? I don't give a damn about them, nor do they. This is the way I am, this is me. I'm Kanda Yu, the exorcist who has nothing to live for but himself! So, accept who I am!"
I break off from my screaming, feeling like a crazed animal. Lenalee bites her lip, seemingly more quietly disappointed than frightened.
I almost want to apologize, but I can't do that with the way my personality's been slipping lately. So I step back, keeping the scowl plastered on my face.
"Why did you come out here, Kanda?" she asks.
"It's plain stupid to come out here at night, in this kind of weather. We have a war to fight," I say coldly.
"Kanda, don't you dare call me stupid. I'm smarter than you," she challenges.
"What are you, a queen or something?" I growl. "Say that again, and I'll run you through with Mugen!"
There are tears in her eyes as she slams her fist down on my chest. "Shoot, Kanda!" she cries. "Why can't you ever submit to what you feel? If you did that, if you told me the God-forsaken truth once in a while, maybe you'd be happy! You'd die, die without—"
"Well, that's who I am, Lenalee Lee. I'm Kanda," I sneer. "And I'm happy with who I am. I'll die living like this, because I like it! I don't need you, or anyone else to go around telling me who I should be!"
"No, Kanda, this is not who you are! I want you to show me you, Kanda. The real you. But even I am locked away from the core of your heart. Locked away, shut away. I thought you might accept me that day, when you kissed me. But I suppose I was wrong!" Lenalee shouts.
"I don't care about anyone," I claim.
"I thought you did. I guess I was wrong, however," she spat.
"Fine by me. Now get out of my sight," I say evenly.
"Happy to oblige." Adamantly, she brushes tears from her face and begins to walk away.
Reluctantly, I do nothing as she goes. And then...
"Wait." The word slips out before I can prevent it.
Pausing in her tracks, Lenalee asks, "What?"
Nothing, I almost say. But I can't say that, it would sound ridiculous. Wait! What? Nothing.
At that moment, I recall my reasoning for running after Lenalee in the first place. My reason for searching for her throughout the Order, and even coming the beansprout for help before approaching her here. Lenalee is the drive of my will to live, she is everything. Hadn't I realized that only an hour ago? How could I forget it so easily?
But... when I look at Lenalee, I don't see the end of my life crashing down at me. I see... Lenalee. My friend, the one whose always looked out for me. I feel below her. She doesn't deserve me.
Should I tell her how I feel? The question swirls in my mind painfully.
No, I can't.
"Kanda, what is it?" Lenalee says with halfhearted irritation.
"This is cruel. I'm going to die," I murmur. "I'm going to die, aren't I? That's sick. Isn't it?"
"The lotus in the hourglass," she whispers. "How could I forget? Oh, I could never forget, Kanda, that's why. Before that time, I think you need to..." she trails off, seeming to contemplate how to say what she wants to say next.
"Lenalee."
She looks up at me, dismay crossing her fine features. "What?"
We shouldn't be together. The truth is, I don't have much time left, and to start something with you would be unfair. But I have to get this off my chest.
"Lenalee," I begin, "when I kissed you, it wasn't some random freak thing. I realized that you are my... drive. And... damn it. What I'm trying to say is that I think that this feeling is... is..."
I can't say it. I can't say it. But she seems to understand just what I'm saying. She's always been like that.
Doubt creeps into my mind, but my voice reflects nothing of what I'm feeling. "You probably... love someone else. That's just fine, Lenalee. That's just fine."
Don't love me. Hate me, even. At least I know I won't be hurting you so much when I leave.
But then Lenalee says, "I love you, too."
This hits me from the inside out. "Lenalee," I say in surprise.
"I love you, too," she repeats, moving in closer. Then she stands on the tips of her toes to reach my lips and carefully brings them to hers.
()()()
No wind comes with the morning birds, but a light rain does.
The dreary weather doesn't appeal to Allen, but I don't care. I skip breakfast, grab Mugen, and head out the door.
The sky is pale, almost colorless. I walk steady, letting the rain soak my clothes and hair. Though it is slightly annoying when it starts to drip into my eyes.
Why did I ever grow it this long in the first place? I wonder irritatedly. I should just cut it all off.
Then I halt, once again seeing Lenalee standing alone in the distance. A memory flits through my mind.
I am twelve years old. She is ten. Her hair is shorter than mine, in two hastily-done pigtails at the nape of her neck. Mine reaches slightly past my collarbone now. I often wear it in the usual way, tied with string. I hate the term ponytail. It just doesn't apply to me.
"Yu! What're ya doin?" Lenalee asks with a smile one day when she comes to one of the training floors and spots me.
"I'm training, obviously. What else would I be doing on the training floor?" I grunt, sweat streaming down my face.
"You're hard at work, I see," she continues.
She's a big dummy and a pest. I ignore her.
"Aren't you getting tired?"
I do squats.
"When do you think you'll get tired?"
I do push-ups.
"Do you ever get tired, Yu?" she asks.
I quit doing sit-ups. "Shut UP!"
Lenalee giggles, and says, "silly Yu."
She shouldn't be laughing, or smiling. If I'd said that to another girl they'd be crying.
Lenalee never tires of me, to my dismay. She follows me around all day.
"Your hair is pretty," she says, reaching out to touch it at dinner one day.
"Get away from me."
"It's soo pretty."
"It needs to be cut," is all I tell her.
"No! Don't, Yu! Keep it growing!" Lenalee grabs my hair and nuzzles it.
I roll my eyes and return to my soba. I simply don't feel like pushing her away.
Later that month, Lenalee disappears. I ask around where she is. People don't tell me.
When I'm asked if I want a haircut, I refuse.
She returns a few months later, paler and thinner and almost lifeless.
"I didn't cut my hair," I tell her. "And now it's more annoying than ever."
She just nods slightly, trying to smile.
And soon, she's gone again. I swear I hear her screaming in my sleep, and I can't help but remember...
Hmm. I guess that's how my hair grew this long. For Lenalee.
"Lenalee!" I call.
She turns, her whole face brightening when she sees me. "Kanda!"
I stare at her as she runs toward me. Her dark hair is glossed wet with rain, framing her ivory face flatteringly. A natural blush stains her lips and cheeks, as striking as blood splattered upon pure white snow.
"Hi, Kanda!" she says with a smile. My hands ache to hold her face between them. Wait, why am I restraining? This is what Lenalee wants, right? Affection?
It's hard to change old habits. Slowly, my hands rise and I stroke her cheek. Her skin is soft to touch.
Lenalee blushes at this. We pull away and stand together in the silence.
"Let's do something," she says.
I scoff. "Like what? There's nothing to do here."
"Kanda..." she warns.
"Oh. Sorry. You don't like me acting like that, do you?" But it's what I'm used to.
"Not exactly. I mean, I know what you really feel," she points to my chest, "in here. But to other people, words can hurt. They don't know the real you."
"I don't care what others think."
"Well, fine then. We'll forget about it for now," she gives in, sighing. "How about going out on the town for a day?"
Are you kidding? I almost ask, but then I see the way she's beaming with happiness at her idea.
"Fine," I manage grudgingly.
"Yes!" she cries, throwing her arms around me delightedly. I feel myself stiffen at her touch, but she doesn't seem to care.
"Mm-kay, then. I'll meet you here at eleven-thirty. Don't be late!" she exclaims.
Swiftly, Lenalee takes off like a sparrow darting across the land. I watch her until she pulls open the door and goes inside.
I stand staring at the door for a while, not really sure of what I'm waiting for.
()()()
When I at last follow Lenalee inside, Reever approaches me. As usual, he's carrying a tall stack of papers and a pen sits behind his ear.
"Supervisor wants to see you in his office," he tells me. He doesn't wait for me to respond because he knows I won't.
I go to Komui's office and knock on the door. "What do you want?" I demand.
Behind the closed door, I hear Komui shifting and walking up to undo a lock.
When we're situated, him sitting at his desk and me standing on a floor carpeted with papers, I repeat myself. "What do you want?"
"Your lotus," he mutters gravelly. "It's wilting. You have two petals left."
"What's it to you? There's nothing we can do about it, is there?"
"Kanda, we can't afford to lose another exorcist," he says plainly. "That flower did not shed all those petals at once by coincidence. Something caused it to destruct."
Feigning disinterest, I glance impatiently to the side. But who am I fooling, really? This is a matter of life-or-death for me. Can Komui, the idiot he is, see through me?
"I believe that the Noah have brought about your upcoming death, Kanda," Komui says.
I feel my fists clench at my sides, and suddenly the air around me seems cold.
"Clearly it's revenge for killing Skin Bolic. I believe that the Earl has hired a skilled assassin to do away with you. Tell me, have you had physical contact with anyone recently?"
The new exorcist's face flashes through my mind. Her arms draped around my neck, her cruel smirk. "Kyung In," I snarl.
"That's what I suspected. We already have her in custody."
So she poisoned me that night. That's why she was all over me. Why hadn't I sensed some kind of poison? How had she done it?
Komui's face contracts in anguish, and his fist slams down onto his desk. "I'm sorry, Kanda... this is all my fault. She was unpleasant, yet she was a skilled innocence accommodator and Leverrier insisted we work with her. I'm sorry." He hangs his head in shame.
I guess I should be flattered that he's showing this much emotion due to my coming death. Of course I don't show that.
"Forget it. There's nothing we can do," I say impassively. "I'll take my leave now."
Nothing we can do... the words echo throughout my mind.
I slam the door on the way out, in a useless way of trying to drown out my thoughts.
Then there's Lavi, standing right outside the door, his green eye wide with shock.
Reticently, I begin to make my way past him and I don't give him a second glance. Lavi, however, has other ideas.
"K- Kanda...? You're dying?" he stutters. "S- since when?"
"She'll be yours when I'm gone," I say callously. "Happy now, Lavi?"
His knuckles are white, but his eye narrows and his stiffened jaw loosens.
"I'll report to Bookman. How are you... dying?" he asks, trying to sound unmoved.
"Poisoned," I say curtly.
Jaw tightening again, he turns away. But as soon as he does that, he whirls around again.
"You know what? You're a sick, antisocial idiot who just sickens me to the very core. You're rotten, unpleasant, and arrogant. What is the matter with you?"
A bit shocked by his infuriated reaction, I snap out of a slight daze. "I've heard worse. Is that the best you can do?"
"Oh don't even start that. You know darn well you want to threaten and kill me right now like the inhuman, immoral bastard you are."
"Let me tell you, Lavi, I don't give a damn about what you think of me," I growl. "So do me a favor and leave me alone."
"Stupid. Shouldn't you be figuring out a way to keep from dying? For you, I'll give up on her. For you, because you both need each other. But if you're just going to give up, screw it all. I won't stand here and watch you hurt her without a fight."
I'm shocked all over again. "Don't you know I'm trying, Lavi? I'm trying to stay. But there's not much I can do. If Komui's already given up on me, it's done."
"Damn you, Kanda! Aren't you the one who always tells us that it's pathetic to give up without a fight?" Lavi yells. "You're a lousy hypocrite for saying that!"
"Well, then maybe you can suggest a way for me to fight this!" I retort, exasperated. "But I'm telling you, this death is absolutely inevitable!"
"Whatever," he hisses.
Beside me is a hard iron wall. Frustration sends my balled fist smashing into it repeatedly.
"Yu, cut it out."
I don't quit. My knuckles are bleeding and sore, but I couldn't care less. Frankly, I cannot even feel them throbbing.
"Quit it, Kanda!" Still, I pay him no mind. He has to pull me away from the wall, and I collapse to my knees, staring intently at my fist.
"Injuring yourself will lead to nothing- that's what you say to Allen when he uselessly punches the wall. Sheesh, Kanda, will I have to start playing your role from now on?"
Crimson blood trickles down my right hand; in between my fingers and toward my wrist and forearm. I watch with perplexing fascination, in a daze.
"Listen to me!" Lavi orders.
"I have to get to Lenalee... in an hour. I have to get ready," I say.
Lavi stares at me. "That can wait."
No, it can't. I push my way past him, and he doesn't object.
"I never wanted to see you like this," he mutters dejectedly.
I keep walking. The blood still traces down my fingers and plummets quickly, like rain, to the ground below.
A/N: So, what did you think? Please, especially if you favorite/story alert, I'd very much appreciate a short review to tell me what you thought, whether the opinion is good or bad.
For the most part, I think Kanda is in character, more so in this chapter than the previous. Feel free to let me know if you dissagree, however. I also would like to apologize for any errors within the story. Anyway, please continue to read the story. I hope you are enjoying it.