Disclaimer: I do not own the Mass Effect universe; I am merely borrowing it for the purposes of this tale.

***Please be aware this chapter contains lots and lots of ANGST!

I felt there were so many other things I wanted my Shepard to say during this scene with Kaidan at Apollo's Café. So instead of yelling at the television screen and freaking out my roommate, lol, I figured I'd write my scenario here! This chapter is a continuation of that scene I explored in chapter one. Any and all reviews are greatly appreciated! – Fallon.

Sanity in the Storm

Part II

"Even when I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth, like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones." – Jeffrey McDaniel

In her dream the little boy could run faster than her. When she cried out to him to stop, the all too familiar sound of a Reaper beam firing drowned out her voice and scared the child into running faster. He'd weave between trees like he was an animal, only slowing down to glance over his shoulder at her, his eyes wide in sheer terror.

Sometimes she could catch him but tonight the beam got to him first.

His screams deafened her and the flash of the beam blinded her.

She shot out of bed, the thundering of her heart pulling her back into reality like a sudden wave of ice cold water slamming into her. Running her fingers through her hair felt realized a cold sweat was covering her, matting her hair to her forehead and neck as well as saturating the sheets.

Shepard tried to get out of bed, but the erratic beat of her heart and her grogginess made her legs give out and she toppled onto the floor in a panting heap.

A chime echoed in her cabin.

"Commander, are you alright?"

It was EDI.

Shepard grabbed onto the side of her bed and started pulling herself back up, ignoring the vertigo that made her stomach churn and her vision blur.

"I-I'm fine, EDI."

"You collapsed, Shepard." Her voice was delicate and full of concern, "I also noted a spike in your heart rate. Shall I summon Dr. Chakwas to your cabin?"

"No!" Shepard replied much louder and sterner then she intended, "I'll be fine, EDI…thank you."

There was a momentary pause Shepard wasn't accustomed to hearing with EDI.

"Very well, Shepard."

The AI's presence left the cabin and Shepard sighed in relief. It was just a bad dream, a bloody panic attack at the worst, but neither of which she wanted to advertise. And as much as she trusted Chakwas, every single person aboard the Normandy needed to see Shepard as indestructible. They needed that from her and she was willing to do what it took to maintain their hope.

As she sat on the edge of her bed, her head resting in her hands as she tried to collect herself, her mind drifted back to the date she'd had with Kaidan at Apollo's just a few days ago. He was in her life again and during her waking hours that fact alone kept the demons at bay. But he was still sleeping in the barracks with the rest of the crew and she had been too ashamed and embarrassed to ask him to move into her cabin. What was she supposed to tell him? That she had bad dreams and didn't want to be alone?

Just thinking about saying that made her angry. Back on the SR-1 she hadn't been like this. Her dreams had never plagued her waking hours, even when they dragged her back to Mindoir and made her relive the loss of her family over and over again. But the pain this dream, this boy, brought up dogged her even when she was awake.

She forced her sore, exhausted body up and made for the bathroom in the hopes that a cold shower would clear her head. She swayed as she walked, her legs not cooperating with her, until the door slid back with a hiss and she was able to step in.

Shepard used her fingers to brush some of the tangles from her hair before stripping out of her sweat soaked shorts and tank top. Her panties soon joined them in a pile in the floor and she kicked them under the sink.

Without meaning to, she looked at herself in the mirror.

Lack of sleep was catching up with her and wreaking havoc on her body. Dark circles were prominent under her eyes and her skin was sickly pale, marred by sizable bruises that were a repulsive mix of purple, black and yellow. Her cybernetics had closed all of the scrapes and burns that dotted her shoulders and arms, but traces of them remained in the form of large reddened blotches.

God damnit I look like hell…

She turned on the showerhead and winced as the bitterly cold water hit her. It woke her up though and banished the feverish heat from her, which was a welcomed relief.

The weakness in her limbs still present, she leaned against the wall to keep herself from falling. She tried to think of something other than the dream that dominated her every waking hour, but there was little else to focus on that was good.

Mordin was dead, and so was Thane. Jack hadn't made it off the Collector base and Grunt had died to give her enough time to escape the Reaper controlled Rachni. Ashley had died a long time ago, as had Wrex.

Shepard cursed under her breath as tears slipped past her lashes and trailed down her cheeks only to be washed away by the water.

She still had Garrus, Liara and Tali, Joker and EDI, Kaidan and James. But what would she be remembered for? The friends she had saved or those she'd lost along the way? The ones she had left behind?

Shepard knew in her heart most people would never know the truth. The Alliance and the Council needed the public to see her as a hero, unaffected by doubt or regret, so her failures would be swiped under the carpet along with the sacrifices of the friends she had lost.

Exhausted, she closed her eyes only to be hit by a wave of flashbacks, memories of the loss of each friend and the boy's voice pleading with her to help him over it all. The roar of the Reaper's beam tore through her and she opened her eyes only to find that the red light filled the bathroom. She fell back into the corner of the shower stall in shock and slid to the ground with her eyes squeezed shut, huddling up in a ball and muttering threats under her breath at it.

Please, please…leave me alone…let this be a dream…please…

A tapping on the bathroom door interrupted the humming of the beam and she cautiously opened her eyes only to find that the red light was gone, she was safe.

"Elin?" Kaidan asked cautiously, "You alright?"

She sniffled and tried to hide the emotion in her voice.

"F-Fine. I'm fine. Is something the matter?"

There was a brief silence and she thought for maybe a moment he believed her and was going to leave.

"You never were a good liar, Elin." He said finally, "EDI told me –

"I told her I was fine!" Shepard spat abruptly, cutting him off.

"She was worried about you and frankly I am too."

Shepard licked her lips and leaned her head back, trying to fight back the pent up emotion that was threatening to break free. She could hear him talking to EDI and suddenly the bathroom door slid open and the water stopped.

She didn't look up, uncertain whether or not she could stand to see the look on his face, and instead huddled a little tighter into the corner and tried to cover herself more. Even as she did she didn't understand why she was, it was Kaidan after all – the man had seen her naked before Ilos and plenty of times after.

Until I died...

Kaidan knelt beside her; a towel tucked under his arm, and tentatively touched her knee. She looked so small and broken and when she looked up at him his heart broke for her.

"Oh Elin…my Elin…"

She was openly crying now, her shoulders shaking as she came undone.

Kaidan unfurled the towel and draped it over her, slowly easing her arms up so he could wrap it around her.

Her body was just as magnificent as it had been the night before Ilos; skin creamy and soft, the curves of her hips and breasts begging for his touch. Some of the scars he had known her to have then were gone, along with the birthmark that had been on her hip – his favorite. She had earned new scars though, and dozens of bruises that looked like hell and probably felt just as bad.

Once he was sure he had most of the towel around her, he slipped his arms under her legs and carefully picked her up. He couldn't believe how good it felt to have her so close to him again, to be able to breathe in her scent as she nuzzled into his neck. She said nothing, didn't protest or berate him as he walked her over to her bed and laid her down.

She turned away from him and began shivering violently.

Kaidan cast aside the damp towel that covered her and replaced it with a blanket she'd kicked to the foot of the bed. He wasn't sure exactly where they stood as far as the more physical and intimate aspects of their relationship went, or if she wanted to be touched when she felt so vulnerable, so he quickly covered her up and lay behind her so that the blanket was between them.

Shepard squirmed back against him and he slipped an arm over her waist, pulling her in closely to keep her warm. He kissed her tenderly behind her ear and smiled as he felt her relax some against him.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" He asked in a whisper as he brushed her hair out of her face.

Shepard grabbed the hand he had draped around her and squeezed it tightly, still troubled by the memories the dream brought out of her but relishing the feeling of having him against her.

"It was a dream…just a dream, Kaidan." She said solemnly.

"Seems like it was more of a nightmare." He kissed her shoulder, "Can you tell me about it?"

Part of her feared he'd think she was an idiot, but she found herself answering him nonetheless.

"I…I left a boy behind on Earth." She roughly rubbed tears from her eyes, "Anderson and I were trying to get to you and I saw him cowering in the vents of an office we cut through. He just…was gone in the blink of an eye. But then I saw him again when the Normandy was pulling away…a Reaper shot down the shuttle he had just climbed into."

When she finished she realized she had said it all in one breath. She felt like she had just confessed, and waited nervously for him to say something. Kaidan just tightened his hold on her, his lips pressed to her neck.

"He died because of me," she whispered when he said nothing, "I didn't fight hard enough for him…"

"He died because of the Reaper, Elin." Kaidan assured her, doubt of that never entering his mind, "All you've done is fight. Someday you won't have to; someday we'll be on the porch of my parent's place overlooking English Bay drinking lagers and pawing each other like we're damn teenagers."

Shepard rolled over onto her back, a hint of a smile on her lips. "I'd like that, Kaidan, a lot."

"But?"

Her lips pursed together and she shook her head in disbelief and frustration.

"Every time I close my eyes I see that boy. I try to reach him but the Reaper…it gets to him first. Then I hear their voices…it's killing me."

Kaidan kissed her chin as it trembled, "Whose?"

"Mordin, Thane, Jack, Grunt, Wrex, Ash…everyone I've lost fighting these stupid machines."

"Elin…you know we're going to kick the Reapers back to wherever they came from, right? There isn't a single person in this crew that doubts it. You've given them and every other person in this galaxy hope. We're going to win and we're going to do it for everyone that didn't make it."

She took a deep breath and nodded, "You're right, I know you're right. I guess I just needed to hear it. Fuck, I feel like I'm losing it."

"You are," he teased with a grin, "you're completely out of your mind, always have been. Thankfully for you I find it hot as hell."

She smiled, "You ass."

His hand trailed down to her hips before resting on her lower stomach. He traced circles around her bellybutton through the sheet that covered her, unknowingly sending a ripple of warmth through her entire body.

"I've got your back, Elin, always will." He kissed her shoulder and rested his head there, "I promise."

He was just what she needed; her personal anchor to something beautiful, something worth fighting for.

She leaned up ever so slightly and kissed his neck right where she knew he liked it. He exhaled shakily and she kissed his neck again, enjoying the way his stubble pricked her lips.

She placed her hand over his were it rested on her stomach and urged it further down. He resisted when he realized what she wanted.

"Please, Kaidan…" She murmured heatedly against his neck, "I need you."

He pulled away and immediately she feared she'd moved too fast or said something wrong. She had been under the impression their talk at Apollo's Café had cleared up a lot of unknowns for them.

Kaidan quieted her fears though, placing a light kiss on her lips before slipping a hand under the sheet.

She whimpered as his fingers ran slowly down her stomach and dipped between her legs. He watched her intently as he teased her, running a single finger up and down her slit until she arched her back and muttered a curse.

He nipped along her neck as he slowly dragged his thumb over her swollen clit and flicked.

A tremor ripped through her and she squirmed just enough for the sheet to work its way down over her breasts.

Kaidan felt himself twitch and harden in excitement and paused his ministrations long enough to pull the sheet completely off of her.

The cool air danced over her body but it was Kaidan's warm lips on her nipple that caused her to gasp and shiver.

"Oh my God! Kaidan!"

He sucked her gently as he trailed his fingers down her slit and pushed them into her warmth. He was rough with her, just like he knew she liked. He pumped his fingers into her relentlessly, slowing only to flick her sweet spot and elicit a strangled moan from her.

Kaidan kissed his way up her chest and neck to her ear, nipping at her ear lobe as he pushed another finger into her. "You have no idea how much I missed that sound, Elin."

Biting her lip, she reached between them to the waistband of his pants and started to fumble with his belt.

"T-Too many clothes…" She said mid-gasp, "N-Need you n-naked."

She whimpered as his fingers left her.

Kaidan chuckled as he moved to hover over her, his hands on either side of her head.

"Missed me, I take it?"

Shepard cupped his face and kissed him passionately, melting at the sheer joy of realizing his kiss was just as magnificent as she remembered. She sucked his bottom lip and their tongues met briefly before Kaidan licked her lips and started his descent down her prone form.

"Y-You have no idea," Shepard stammered as he cupped her breasts and peppered her soft skin with kisses, "how badly…Kaidan."

"I do, love." He confessed as he grazed his thumbs over her nipples, "I've ached for you for two years…I intend to make up for lost time."

Shepard rolled her hips up, pressing them flush against his lower stomach, "Get naked, Major. That's an order."

He laughed and sat back on his knees, managing to get his shirt off over his head in one quick movement. Shepard's eyes raked over his body. He'd bulked up since they'd last been together, his abs more defined now than ever. His skin was still the beautiful shade of tanned olive she remembered, though he had earned a few more scars.

Kaidan felt the heat of her eyes on him and looked up just as he'd won the battle against his belt.

"See something you like, Commander?" He teased, well aware that he was blushing as he spoke.

Shepard sat up in front of him and slowly pulled down his pants and boxer briefs, never once breaking their gaze.

"No," she said in a soft, sultry voice, "I see someone I love."

His lips crashed into hers with ravenous want.

Two years he'd lost with her.

How many nights like this was that? How many kisses and moans? How much would have changed if she hadn't gone down with the Normandy?

No, he tells himself, no more regrets, no more letting that loss tarnish the time he had with her now.

Elin…

She quivered underneath him as he pressed his cock against her warmth and the shiver continued through him in a ripple. He placed his forehead against hers and allowed her deep emerald eyes to enthrall him as he rolled his hips forward and sheathed himself inside of her, wrapping himself completely in her molten heat.

Her nails dug into his shoulder and she caught her bottom lip between her teeth to keep from crying out.

Kaidan smiled and kissed the corner of her lips as he pumped into her in short, savouring thrusts.

This was his Shepard, the one only he got to see. Hair mussed, brow furrowed, eyes squeezed shut and body flushed. Stripped of her medals she was just a woman, his woman.

She wrapped her legs around his waist and gripped his biceps tightly as his thrusts quickened. She couldn't hold back her moans anymore as each deep thrust struck something deep inside of her that threatened to send her tumbling over the edge.

She whispered his name over and over again in a soft plea, a complete surrender.

Only Kaidan could do this, only he knew her body so well as to touch and caress her in just the right places to make her come completely undone.

Her back arched involuntarily as he pushed her over the edge. She clamped down around him as he continued to thrust, her slick walls convulsing around him and pulling a strangled moan from him. Tears welled up in her eyes just from the pure, undiluted ecstasy that he had sent washing over her.

She quivered under him, her limbs weak and her body spent.

"E-Elin!"

His movements became short and desperate and she held him close, her face buried in the crook of his neck and her fingers threaded through his sweaty hair. Her body continued to clench around him and he knew he couldn't hold out any longer.

He gave a strangled grunt and she felt his body shake as he spilt himself inside of her.

Good lord, she thought as his body relaxed above her and the blissful numbness permeated her entire body, this is heaven…

Tumbling down from his high, Kaidan just managed to shift over enough to not smother her as he collapsed. Their legs remained intertwined, their hands pawing at each other as if each feared the other was about to leave. The sheet had somehow wound itself around his ankle, but it was enjoying the moment too much to bother stopping to free himself.

After a few deep breaths Kaidan was able to garner enough strength to slip his hand around her waist and tug her closer to him.

Shepard had that dopey look on her face that he hadn't seen since their first night together and he smiled, strangely proud of himself for drawing that out of her once again. Her eyes were closed and her lips curved slightly in a gentle smirk. Every muscle in her face, usually so tense and rough, was soft and truly at rest.

Kaidan kissed the sweat from her jaw and nuzzled into her neck.

"You going to be alright there, Shepard?" He asked smugly.

Her eyes opened just a crack, "I hope you realize there's no way in hell I'm letting you spend another night in the barracks."

He smiled against the sensitive skin of her neck, happy to accept her invitation, "Skipping right past the beers on English Bay and straight to pawing at each other like teenagers?"

She nodded triumphantly, "I think I've earned it."

"You have, Elin." He said sleepily, "Every moment of it."

She felt the usually terrifying lull of sleep wiggling its way over her spent body. She wasn't foolish enough to think the nightmares wouldn't be there to greet her, some of those she had earned too.

But she knew she wouldn't be alone when she woke up.

And that was a start.

A/N: This was just something short to distract myself from the longer ones I've been writing lately, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless! I'm still nursing a back injury, which is why I've been pretty silent here lately, but I'm eager to get back to writing in the very near future :) Thanks so much, dear readers! – Fallon.