Interviewer: Before we begin, I'd like to ask Ward not to cook anyone this session.
Ward: but…
Interviewer: We have some questions from AgentMaryMargaretSkitz. First; What is your favorite food?
Coulson: Well, it used to be steak but then I tasted Ward's cooking.
May: the inside of your stomach was very… disturbing. I found a picture of Captain America in your stomach. WHY
Coulson: …
Triplett: I enjoyed Ward's cooking, as well.
Fitz: Why did you cook us, Ward?
Ward: I have problems.
Skye: No kidding.
Fitz: my favorite food is a sandwich. Prosciutto, buffalo mozzarella, and a touch of pesto aïoli on a baguette.
Ward: would you like me to make you one?
Fitz: are you going to put someone in it?
Ward: …
Ward: maybe
Interviewer: Okay, next. What is the most embarrassing thing you've caught someone doing?
Ward: *cackles*
May: don't you dare
Ward: *cackles*
May: goddamnit Ward
Ward: *cackles*
May: keep your mouth shut, you hear me?
Ward: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ward: We'll see…
Ward: no
May: *shoots Ward* *Drowns Ward* *Punches Ward* *throws Ward off plane*
Ward: *eaten by monkey*
Coulson: okay
Simmons: Fitz, did you make that monkey eat Ward?
Fitz: I am the Monkey Whisperer…
Triplett: wait monkeys don't eat people
Fitz: *throws Triplett off plane*
Triplett: *eaten by monkey*
Fitz: OR DO THEY?
Interviewer: BACK TO THE QUESTION, PLEASE!
Coulson: Well, one time I saw Fitz doing
Fitz: you shut your mouth
Coulson: Brazilian Butt Lift
Fitz: DO I NEED TO FEED YOU TO THE MONKEYS
Coulson: while wearing
Fitz: NO
Coulson: Skye's
Fitz: I'm warning you
Coulson: bikini
Everyone: …
Skye: YOU DID WHAT WHILE WEARING MY WHAT
Ward: no one goes through Skye's bathing suits but me
Skye: WHAT? And aren't you dead?
Coulson: it was a rather disturbing sight
May: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Simmons: Oh, Fitz
Fitz:
Triplett: did it work?
Fitz: what?
Triplett: Did it work? I've been thinking of trying it.
Fitz:
Ward: there is no need for Brazilian Butt Lift. I can whip up some smoothies for you
Fitz:
Ward: hold on a sec. *ties up May* *duct tapes May's mouth* Okay. Now I can tell you what I saw May doing.
May:
Ward: okay so I was walking around and I went into the lab
May:
Ward: and I saw May. She was using Skye's laptop
Skye: b!tch what
Ward: and she was watching something. And she was wrapped in a blanket and she was crying really hard and there were tissues everywhere
May: grrrrrrr
Ward: and so I looked at the screen… and she was watching Angelina Ballerina.
Simmons: but why was she crying
Ward: because it was the day of the big show and apparently stupid Angelina locked herself in her room and she couldn't get to the show to perform.
Skye: MAY watches ANGELINA BALLERINA?
Skye: lol you're lying
Ward: go ahead and check your laptop's history
Skye: *checks laptop* oh yeah she did watch it
Ward: *frees May*
May: you son of a gun
Ward: *cackles* Run, run as fast as you can! CAN'T CATCH ME I'M THE GINGER-WARD MAN *runs*
May:I would chase you, but the season finale of Angelina Ballerina is on soon
Triplett: I saw Fitz making out with a teddy bear.
Fitz: I WAS PRACTICING
Simmons: for what?
Fitz:
Ward: *laughs*
Coulson: *tries to hide his laugh*
Skye: *laughs*
May: *laughs on inside; remains stoic on outside*
Fitz: nothing
Simmons: oh come on, Fitz! You're my best friend! You can tell me anything
Fury: *whispers to Fitz* FRIEND-ZONED
Simmons: what? I couldn't hear you
S.H.I.E.L.D. (minus Fitz and Simmons): AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Fury: I said that-
Fitz: he said that my calzones are done
Ward: YOU MADE CALZONES WITHOUT ME? HOW DARE YOU!
Ward: *shoots Fitz* *puts Fitz in calzone*
Interviewer: WARD! WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT COOKING PEOPLE?
Ward: *lowers head in shame* *takes Fitz out of calzone*
Interviewer: okay, moving on. Who is your favorite Avenger?
Avengers: *enter room and give death stares to everyone*
Coulson: OHMYGOD CAP IS HERE! CAP IS HERE! CAPTAIN AMERICA IS RIGHT HERE!
May: well there's your answer. I'm torn between Romanoff and Thor
Thor: *flips hair*
May: Nevermind definitely Thor
Skye: yasss Thor Odinson is life
Simmons: obviously Dr. Banner
Fitz: IRON MAN IS IN THE BUILDING
Captain America: Stark sucks
Coulson: oh my gosh totally.
Tony Stark: *rolls eyes*
Fitz: HATERS GONNA HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Stark: I'M JUST GONNA SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
Fitz&Stark: SHAKE IT OFF! SHAKE IT OFF!
Fitz: HEART BREAKERS GONNA BREAK BREAK BREAK BREAK BREAK
Ward: AND BAKERS GONNA BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE BAKE
Everyone: …
Stark: first of all this is Fitz and my thing-
Fitz: holy crap we have a THING
Stark: and second of all those aren't the lyrics
Ward: I just like to sing about cooking
Taylor Swift: you are offensive to my songs. Get out
Skye: OMG TSWIFT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME
Simmons: I LOVE TAYLOR SWIFT!
May: ANOTHER THING YOU HAVE IN COMMON! SKIMMONS WILL LIVE FOREVERRR
Interviewer: this brings us to our next question from tori karr. May, why are you so obsessed with Skimmons?
May: BECAUSE IT'S F*CKING PERFECTION AND NOTHING BEATS SKIMMONS
Ward: Skyeward does
May: FILTHY SKYEWARD-SHIPPING SCUM
Ward: DIRTLY LITTLE SKIMMONS-SHIPPING PEASANT
May: SKYEWARD SUCKS
Ward: SKYE IS MY SOULMATE! WHO ELSE WOULD I BE WITH?
May: I DON'T CARE; GO WITH THE CELLIST FOR ALL I CARE
Coulson: *le gasp* how dare you
Ward: YES HOW DARE YOU! Sir, should I take care of her?
Coulson: yes
Interviewer: NO
Ward: *shoots May* *puts May into apple pie* *serves pie*
Coulson: *moans* this is so goooooooooooood
Triplett: yes it is
May: COULSON! YOU JUST ATE MY LEFT BUTTOCK
Coulson: *spits food out*
Coulson's spitted out food: WHEEEEEEEEEE *lands on Triplett's plate*
Triplett: *le gasp* *le sob* *le gasp-sob*
Interviewer: OKAY! Last question for today, requested by multiple people; Who is your favorite actor/actress?
Skye: ooooh that's a hard one. Robbie Kay, Chris Hemsworth…
Ward: Brett Dalton…
Skye: ew no
Ward: *leaves room wordlessly*
Simmons: David Tennant has such amazing hair and omygosh-
Fitz: I thought you liked my hair
Simmons: oh its fine, but David Tennant-
Fitz: and my accent
Simmons: FITZ WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING ME! I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND, I AM OBLIGATED TO SAY THOSE THINGS-
Everyone (minus Simmons): *shocked silence*
Coulson: sorry but you're off the team
May: get off my plane
Skye: wow Simmons. Way to crush Fitz's poor soul.
May: please don't fight… skimmons will live on
Ward: I let you touch my naked chest when you were fixing me up, and this is how you repay that kindness?
Triplett: That's just cold, Simmons. Icy cold
Fitz: oh that reminds me of a song. Too bad I don't feel like singing
Stark: don't worry man, I got this. YOU'RE GONNA CATCH A COLD, FROM THE ICE INSIDE YOUR SOUL! DON'T COME BACK FOR ME! WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE
Jemma: Agent Jemma Simmons of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Fury: we're kicking you out of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Garret: wanna join HYDRA? ;)
Romanoff: Even my heart is warmer than yours. You got a lotta red on that ledger, Simmons.
Fitz: well goodbye Jemma. And good riddance
Everyone (minus Jemma and Interviewer): *leaves*
Simmons: I don't know what their problem is
Simmons: so anyway, as I was saying… David Tennant *blabs about David Tennant for ten hours*
Don't worry, Simmons and Fitz will be on good terms soon.
:) any questions? Just ask.