Barry stared at his reflection in the mirror.
Underneath his eyes were dark.
As for his gaze it was hopeless.
The teen held his arm close against his frame.
Never had the limb been so cared for.
And mutilated.
It was pink and swollen and got even worse as the cuts over lapped each other.
A large part of him was horrified.
The rest wanted it to heal faster so he could do it again.
Day two and no one had noticed.
It still hurt.
The slightest brush against frabic and the brunette was hissing.
Doing dishes was a nightmare.
Thankfully nobody was in the house when Barry managed to get it all done.
It was strange.
One second he was tearing his arm apart and the next he was so ginger with it you'd think it was gold.
Didn't he deserve the pain?
...
Well didn't he?
The teen just slumped to the floor and cried.
Cried until his head hurt.
Til the room was spinning.
Barry's eyes flicked about the room in a daze.
He sniffed, wiping his nose with a extended sleeve of his hoodie.
Barry yanked it back all the way to his elbow, aggressively.
Day two...
Day two and it was still marred.
Still ugly.
'Fucking coward,' his eyes closed.
He couldn't even do this right.
It was more scratches than anything.
Horrible, breath taking guilt nearly killed Barry.
And a deep, dark feeling of self hatred and self-abuse.
He couldn't do anything right.
Not this.
Not his relationship with Joe.
His love for Iris.
His quest to take down his mother's killer.
None of that.
Guilt.
Guilt.
Guilt.
Pain.
Swarm of soul crushing agony.
Self-worthlessness...
Barry repeatedly thumped his head against the wall.
A hard slam.
Physical pain.
It felt good.
That angry release.
Barry nearly broke his arm hitting the wall.
He wanted to tear his hair out.
Kill something.
Prove to the world that they were right.
'Barry was "troubled."
'Barry needed to see a gazillion shrinks a day!'
'He was a sweet kid, a genius really. He just needed to get out of this dark mood he was in.'
Those were the adults.
They'd whisper to Joe about his mother but never ever in front of Barry.
Kids were so way much worse.
"You gonna kill me like you did mommy?"
A dam broke.
More tears fell.
Barry's face crumpled and turned a dark shade of purple.
A quivering hand covered his display.
Shoulders shook like an earthquake.
"What's the matter psycho?"
"Guy's a freak."
"Hey...Hey!" A slap to the head. "Hey ALLEN! Stick me with it. Ya know?"
Barry never looked in his direction.
"HEY! You like to knife people have a go at me. I DARE YOU."
"...I'm not a murderer."
"Not what I hear."
The teen curled his frame in against the bathroom wall and hugged his knees, face buried.
Back when he was 11 Barry was a little more open about his defense.
It ended up in fights.
Them chasing him for blocks.
At 16 his "reputation" got taunts and the occasional tough guy picking on him but most people steered clear.
They thought he was dangerous.
The only person who didn't seem to think he was crazy was Iris.
Barry gulped in a gasp of air.
He needed to cut.
He needed to.
He needed it.
He needed it.
FUCKING HELL HE NEEDED IT.
Barry slowly slid out a blade.
He placed it against his skin.
One cut.
Didn't even break the skin.
He wasn't sure how actual knives worked.
He repeated the motion until it was a red.
A solid dark, red line.
Barry reached to pull up his pant leg.
FLASHASMILEFLASHASMILEFLASHASMILE
PATHETIC.
It was jagged.
Covered his entire lower leg.
In big blocky words.
He didn't know why he did it...
Barry stared at it with tunnel vision.
His body hummed in a agitated numbness.
Tear tracks stained his cheeks and neck.
More cuts sat on his arms.
This controlled out let was quickly becoming uncontrollable.
Maybe that was a good thing...
Maybe Barry should kill himself.
Oh how he wished.
Every breath was painful.
The dream, the wish...
It couldn't get him to actually pull the trigger.
A light turned on in the boys head.
Gun...
Joe was a detective...
He had an issued weapon in his closet and sock drawer.
The desire, the temptation grew stronger.
It actually brought Barry to his feet.
"Sorry mom," he thought, "Sorry dad. Guess I wasn't strong enough...please don't hate me...please, PLEASE don't hate me for this..."
He wiped off the tears in a hurry.
The tension in the air affected him physically.
Everything, every single inch of him trembled in quaking vibrations.
The door knob turned.
"Barry!"
His heart screamed.
He jumped five feet in the air.
Iris stood a hairs breath away from his nose.
Her hands rested on her hips.
Not unlike the former Mrs. West.
"Barry, what's going on? You've been in here for hours. Have you been crying?"
He responded with a head duck.
All he could do was imagine the heavy cold weapon in his hand...
"Is this about your mom?"
"It's...It's just one of those days.."
"Aww," she hugged him.
He wanted to pull away.
He was intensely terrified she would find his injuries.
Was his sleeve riding up?
Had she seen it already?
Paranoia roared so loudly in Barry's ears he could barely hear Iris...
"-I'll make some pop corn and we'll watch some John Wayne movies, and possibly a full night worth of Star Wars. Empire Strikes Back. All that jazz. And we'll have some ice cream. Although my dad may kill us. It's half past 11 pm. But who cares right?"
Not even a single breath after of air after 30 seconds of non-stop talking.
It was...Iris.
And somehow endearing.
His heart fluttered.
The truth escaped Barry's lips, "Iris...I love you."
"Aww," she smiled so bright it could have lit up Central City. "I love you too. Now. You pick out which movies you want to watch and I'll be right back."
Silence.
His heart was still thundering.
The gun was forgotten.
Iris made him...so happy.
He couldn't leave her.
Could never put her in the same pain he was in.
Barry wouldn't wish that on anyone.
He walked the other way into the living room.
Whether he liked it or not, Barry would have to live.
Live for everyone he cared about.
The pain could come.
But he wasn't leaving
-CW-
Author Notes: Hello, this is a reply to my reviewer, whose a guest on this website: Pplleeassee don't give up on me! No D: I have no plot! I sorta had one with the original (it's still up) but no plot. I don't know what to write. To everyone else, thank you, I didn't know how much this meant to you. But feel free to PM me any ideas you have. No...seriously. I need some lol. But I need a vote on whether to start over (again) finish the original Flash A Smile (which I'm interested in doing) or...figure something out with this one. So. Please vote :)