A/N: Here you go, 'Kaa-san! This isn't as funny as I had hoped, but given the rather… clashing characters I think I did ok. Once again, send me crack pairing suggestions!

-Gin

Part Two:

Hidan and Jiraiya

Prompt: Bologna and Icha Icha

Musings and Bologna

DAY THREE: 11:45

Jiraiya was out of inspiration.

Painfully so, considering his deadline was two days from now, and he still had no face for his latest book's male character. He needed to find that perfect face, that perfect contrast with the beautiful main female character….

He needed a strong-looking muse, Jiraiya decided. One with great hair, a broad chinned and still handsome face….

Jiraiya dropped his plastic tub of tofu into the shopping cart unceremoniously.

The man by the lunch meat, he was perfect! Muscular, light-complexioned, tall, nice hair, handsome facial features, Jiraiya could go on and on. Not to mention, his oddly colored eyes would look great on his new cover design.

"Oi, Jiraiya-Sama, are you finished with that rough draft for the inking crew yet? They have to get it, like, now, or we'll miss the deadline!" a petite brunette woman inquired sourly, looking at Jiraiya expectantly. He turned, looking Sachiko in the eye.

Overall, Sachiko was a good editor. As a friend, however, she nagged him more in their first week of co-working than Tsunade did in all the years they'd known each other. 'Finish this, finish that!' was all he got out of her! No 'Good work!' or 'This volume sold way better than that one!' pep talks.

"I'm almost done. I just need one of my models to sign their consent form, that's all." Jiraiya lied, glancing back at the handsome lunchmeat shopper. He was still pouring over the processed meat section of the refrigerator aisle, thank the powers that be.

"Why don't I believe you?" Sachiko despaired, cradling her forehead in annoyance as she moved on with her produce shopping. Jiraiya smiled as soon as she passed, thinking about her question.

You don't believe me, because I say the same thing every due date. He thought amusedly, grabbing some carrots and moving on towards his future muse.

He was so perfect for this role, that Jiraiya was still perversely fascinated by him. He approached his muse inconspicuously, patting his pocket to double check for consent forms. He never had to use them for women, considering very few actually read his books, but he kept them handy for guys who might read the series and sue his poor old ass off.

"What the fuck? Why is this one different from that shit over there?" Jiraiya heard the man mumble as he inspected a package of bologna. The Sannin saw this as the perfect opportunity to butter up the muse.

"Hey, you look like you need some help." Jiraiya opened smoothly, leaning on the edge of the refrigerator and flashing his silver-haired quarry a friendly smile.

"Shit, thanks grandpa." He muttered, making the author wince. He didn't look that old, did he?

"Seriously, how is this damn bologna any different from that shit over there?" The young man ranted, almost flinging the meat he was holding as he pointed to the custom meats counter display. Jiraiya ducked, and was barely missed by the man's arm.

"Well, that section is the custom meat section, so that means the bologna over there has whatever meats you want in it." Jiraiya answered thoughtfully, drawing a blank look from his muse. Raising an eyebrow, the muse asked a question no one in the world can answer.

"Seriously, what the hell is in bologna, anyway?" He asked, just as thoughtfully as Jiraiya pondered the mystery meat's ingredients. Drawing blanks, the Sannin shrugged in sincere apology.

"Aw, shit. Well, thanks anyway I guess. I'll just get the turkey instead, that bastard back home oughtta suffer…" The muse said, his voice trailing out at the end of the sentence, and Jiraiya was suddenly curious. What did his handsome future model mean by 'Bastard'?

"Well, anyway, my name's Jiraiya. What's yours?" the Sannin asked, extending a hand.

"Hidan, fucking great you were here to help grandpa!" Hidan answered, shaking his hand and nodding appreciatively. Jiraiya winced internally at the mention of 'grandpa' again. He told himself he didn't look that old.

"Are you busy? I have two free buffets at that newer sushi place in town, and my friends are all busy. It expires today." The Sannin mentioned casually as they headed up to the checkout counter.

"Yeah, sure. Why pass up free shit anyway?" Hidan accepted, and the two men went to lunch.

DAY THREE: 12:15

"Wow, you don't get good food like this for free every day!" Jiraiya muttered animatedly to Hidan as he sat with a plateful of food. The two guys had given the buffet owners a run for their money, eating plate after plate of food without even slowing down.

"So, I was just wondering… You know what I do for a living, right?" Jiraiya asked, breaking apart a new pair of chopsticks. Hidan finished whatever he was chewing on, swallowed, and answered.

"Yeah, don't you write that porno shit? The one with the bright fucking orange cover?" Hidan asked with a chicken leg partway in his mouth, not stopping to take a breath between talking and inhaling food.

"Yeah, I am. I didn't know I was so famous!" Jiraiya answered happily, forgoing modesty as he reveled in his fame as an underappreciated genius author.

"Well, anyway, I am working on a new novel, and I was wondering…" the Sannin began, looking sheepishly at Hidan.

"I was wondering if I could use your likeness in my latest novel as the main male character." He finished, scrutinizing Hidan's expression and hoping he would accept.

"Well shit! I can't, 'cause porno like that is against my religion, but thanks for asking. I knew someone would notice how fucking sexy I am!" Hidan answered the Sannin good-naturedly, and Jiraiya felt his heart break in two. Then, he had an idea.

"Aw, you're welcome. And I'm sorry if I offended your religion at all." Jiraiya covered smoothly, withdrawing some papers from his pocket.

"Well, it was nice having lunch with you, but I gotta go. Just sign here and I'll pay for your buffet on my way out." Jiraiya said as he pushed the model consent forms towards Hidan. Just as he had hoped, Hidan didn't read before signing.

"See you around!" Jiraiya said as he exited the restaurant, grinning in triumph.

Now, to go put his new male muse to paper…

This time, Jiraiya vowed to impress Sachiko by being on time!