It was the look on her face as she gazed at him. It was the sound of her voice as she said his name. Confusion, shock, denial… He had shot at her, trapped her behind the emergency shield, and she still had that look on her face that was screaming it was a lie.
It ripped him open.
He wanted to beg her to see what he had done, not what it had appeared he'd done. He had a clear shot at her. If he wanted her dead, she would be dead. But he had given Lana enough time to turn around, had missed on purpose to activate the compartment shield, made sure she would have plenty of time to escape.
But that look on her face… She was still trying to process it, still refusing to believe it was what it looked like. It's not. Please don't believe it. But he couldn't say those words… GEMINI 16 was listening, was watching, was waiting for him to slip up.
Theron made his voice as cold as he could and still look at her. "It's over, Commander," he said. "In a few minutes, this train will collide with that mountain range. You'll be disintegrated—" the word was like ash on his tongue "—and I'll escape with the Adegan crystals. Don't worry." He stepped up to the shield. "You won't feel a thing."
Damn it, but that look on her face...it choked him. Alico had been a smuggler when he met her, fearless and witty but probably as closed off as he was. Nothing got under her skin. And here she was with pain ripping freely across her features. Her jaw tightened, her lower lip curled up in an effort to keep the quivering contained. It was all hitting her so fast that she didn't have time to process what he had done, only what he wanted her to think. That he had betrayed her. Please, his mind screamed. Please, baby, don't believe me!
"Did you ever love me," her voice shook and she looked away, couldn't stand to face him, "or was that all part of the act?"
No, no, no. How could she think that? How could she believe for even a second that it hadn't been real? This was all wrong. Why did it have to be this way? He couldn't face her. He couldn't walk away from her. He couldn't not say the words, even if GEMINI 16 was listening.
"You know I love you…" he growled quietly as he slammed his fist against the barrier. His chest hurt, his stomach roiled. "But this is bigger than us."
She's watching us, he wanted to say. Don't you understand why I have to pretend? I won't let them hurt you. I won't let them take away everything you've built. I love you, I love you. Please, understand. This is all for you.
"Luring you into the trap on Iokath was just the beginning," he said, and he had to look away from her. He paced the length of the shield, back and forth, strengthening the resolve in his voice with every syllable, reciting the practiced, pre-planned lie. "Ever since you defeated Valkorian, everything I've done has been toward one goal…" He looked at her. "The total destruction of the Eternal Alliance."
And it was the look on her face, defeat and confusion, that made him wince inside. He had to look away, keeping pacing.
"But you helped build the Alliance," she said, dumbfounded. "After everything we've been through, why tear it down? Why now?"
"What I built was an end to the Eternal Empire. Not this. I followed you because I believed you'd end the cycle of war. I thought we'd finally be free once you took down Valkorian." He gritted his teeth, readied for the blow he knew he had to land, and met her gaze with ice in his eyes. "But the Alliance outgrew you. Now it's rotting from the inside, the galaxy's fighting back, and you've become a symbol of oppression." He wrinkled his nose in disgust just to keep himself from reacting to her expression. "So much for your dreams of peace," he spat.
Lies. They were all lies. The galaxy would never be finished from war. He knew that. He was not stupid or naïve. He was not a zealot or even much of a patriot—not anymore. He was just a man who struggled against the grain for peace, whatever sliver of it they could hold onto for however long. He was a man who loved this woman in front of him. He would do anything to protect her, even break her heart.
"Why didn't you come to me earlier…?" she asked, and it was no more than a whisper. "I would have listened. I would have—would have changed, I—"
"No," he interrupted her, unable to hear anymore of her desperation, her sadness. There was nothing she needed to change. He didn't want her to think that, to believe it. "I wanted to tell you—" I wanted to tell you more than anything! "—but I knew you'd try to talk me down." But GEMINI 16 was watching… "I couldn't take that risk."
"Theron!" she cried. "Please. If you topple the Alliance, millions will die!"
"If that's the cost of peace," he ground out through clenched teeth, "then so be it." He took a deep breath as his cybernetics alerted him to the time. "Thirty seconds to impact." He stepped up to the shield again, gazed as long as he dared at her crumbling expression, and whispered, "This is goodbye."
And it was the look on her face that surprised him the most, that broke him into a hundred thousand tiny pieces. There was so much love mixed into her sorrow and pain. She threw herself at the shield, slapped it with both hands.
"I still love you!" she exclaimed in a raspy voice as tears slipped down her cheeks. "Nothing will ever change that!" Her voice cracked. "I will always love you, Theron!"
He felt it, the emotion warping his face as he stepped away from her. It took every ounce of willpower he had not to respond, to take it all back, to save her and beg for forgiveness after. But he forced himself to turn around and walk away, even as his mind screamed, I will always love you, Alico! Always. You are everything to me. And I will do whatever it takes to protect you. Even this.
"Theron!" she called after him, imploring him not to go, and he felt tears sting his eyes but he kept walking.
I'm so sorry, he thought, afraid to even whisper the words. I'm so sorry, baby. Please, don't cry. He didn't want her to cry. He wanted her to get angry. He wanted her to be the strong, fearless, unstoppable woman he had always known her to be. Almost always. There had been one moment when she had been so human that it paralyzed him…
When they had freed her from carbonite and she had come through her long journey to Odessen, he met her at the landing. His nerves were in ruin as he approached her, waiting for her to turn around. When she did, she had looked at him in surprise, hair tangled, pale cheeks smeared with dirt and dust, dark circles under her eyes…and he thought she looked more beautiful than she had any right to.
"Theron Shan," she whispered, and her voice hitched with relief, surprise, maybe even hope…
He wanted so badly to embrace her, to kiss her, to tell her how happy he was that she was alive, how much he had missed her, how afraid he had been that she was lost forever. But he was so nervous, all he said was, "Hadn't seen you in a while. Wasn't sure you'd remember me."
She looked at him like he was an idiot—the idiot he felt—and one of her familiar, amused smiles touched her lips. It was small, weak, but there. "Are you kidding? It's so good to see you again." She hugged him suddenly and his arms instantly wrapped around her. "I'm so glad you're here."
"Good," he murmured. "Wasn't sure, based on what Lana said you went through. What you're…going through," he muttered, feeling childish, feeling stupid. He was an ex-SIS agent. Why couldn't he be cool in front of her, just once? He gripped her shoulders as she leaned back. "Hey, I've got something for you."
He tapped the comm device on his wrist and signaled Tora to bring in the XS Freighter. The moment it appeared on the horizon, he turned to smile at her, hoping the sight of her ship would cheer her up.
But he was wrong. He was so very wrong. Grief struck her so hard that he didn't have a moment to get a word in when she began sobbing into her hands. She looked so tiny, so frail with her thin fingers trembling against her cheeks, shoulders shaking beneath a dirty jacket too big for her. He reached out and it took him two tries to finally touch her, to bring her into his arms and hold her. she clung to him and wailed against his chest.
"F-five y-years," she stammered, and then she couldn't speak for crying. And he knew all of her pain… They had stolen five years of her life, had frozen her in time while the galaxy kept revolving. And everyone she knew and loved scattered, her ship—her home, as she had once told him—was gone, and she awoke alone on a strange planet in foreign space.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you woke up," he whispered into her hair and squeezed her tighter.
As Theron mounted the speeder and departed the train with the memory fresh in his mind, he risked a glance at her through the broken car window and saw the same grieving woman he had held what seemed like a lifetime ago. She had lost something back then—those five precious years of her life…and again now. Lost something important. And he had taken it from her.
Theron didn't know if he would be able to stop the Order of Zldrog or if he would even survive it. He didn't know if she would forgive him if he did… But he knew that he would never forgive himself for what he put her through.
I'm sorry, he thought again, over and over and over until he made it to the Order's camp on Umbara where he was afraid to even think the thoughts that might put her at risk.