She heard a voice calling her name, but didn't try to recognize it. It was impossible with the snow-storm that had started, but she supposed it was Alex. He had probably started to worry about her whereabouts and decided to go and search her since she had turned her phone off. She didn't move, nor did she made a sound. She didn't want to go back just now. The alcool bottle next to her was empty by now, but she didn't felt the blissfull oblivion that she had wanted – that she had needed – and she didn't have any other. "So if the alcool doesn't make me pass out", she decided, "let the cold do it instead. As long as I can forget, if only for a moment, that the world, my world, is breaking down faster than I can put it back. That my father told me that Jenny had tried to kill herself, than asked me why I hadn't done so, since it would have made things easier for all the others. That my mother told me that I was worthless and that all I would ever be good at was making peoples lifes miserable, like I had done with hers. That the man I love risks his life every damn day and doesn't trust me enough to tell me, and that he will probably never love me back. That the only constant in my life is a fourteen year old boy who shouldn't have to pick up the pieces of my messes – I'm supposed to take care of him, not the other way around for Pete's sake!"
The hand that grabbed her shoulder gently shaked her out of her thoughts, and she started a little.
"Jack?" she heard a deep voice whisper. Her heart nearly stopped. Why? Why, out of everyone in this world, did it had to be him that found her ? Why, when it was already keeping every ounce of self-control she had not to break down when he wasn't there, did it had to be him to see her in this state?
"Jack, what happened ?" He was worried, she could tell from his voice. Had Alex sent him for her ? She didn't dare looking at him, instead choosing to hide her face in her arms.
As it became evident that she wasn't going to answer, Ian Rider sat down next to her, frowning at the empty bottle before hesitantly putting an arm around her shoulders.
It became too much for the American and she turned around, burrowing her face into his torso and holding on him for her dear life, sobbing uncontrolably. The last time he had seen her so vulnerable, so broken, it had been five years ago, when she had come back from a family meeting. But even then, it hadn't been as bad as it was now. This wasn't "Hurricane Jack" (credit to Amari Bell for the nickname). This was a face of her that she normally never showed to anyone. And it worried him to think about what must have happened to bring Jack, strong and brave Jack, in such a state.
Not really knowing what to do with a crying woman, he decided to do the same thing he had done five years prior, and closed his arms around her, holding her tightly and gently strocking her hair, trying to get her to calm down.
"I'm here, Jack, I'm here", he whispered in her ear, "you're not alone…"
"Yes I am ! " she sobbed in his torso. "My parent's don't give a shit about me, they both told me I should never have been born ! My favourite cousin tried to commit suicide, and the only thing my family thought of was to disown her because she was a disgrace to the Starbrights name! She's in a coma, and if…when she wakes up, she will be all alone ! She… she's only thirteen! And Alex is great and all, but he's still a kid and I can't burden him with my problems !"
"What about me?" Ian said quietly.
"You- you're hardly even there! And when you're here, you don't even trust me enough to tell me that you don't work in a bloody bank, but for the governement, and that you might very well not come back at all from all your trips and…"
"What ?" Ian was startled.
"Oh come on! Do you really think I'm that stupid? Bankers don't come back from buissness trips with injuries, nor do they train their nephew how to handle dangerous situation ranging from kidnapping attempts to terrorrists attacks! And bankers don't usually carry guns on them – at least not when they're at home!"
She was ranting now, and she knew it, but she had kept this bottled deep in her heart for such a long time that she couldn't help it.
"How long have you known?" Ian asked her in a whisper.
"More than two years" she whispered back, her head still
hidden in his torso, not daring to look at him.
"And you never said anything?"
He didn't sound angry, she noted. Just… surprised maybe?
" I didn't want to take away what little normal life you had. It's killing you little by little, whatever it is that you do when you're away. And not only physically, Ian. The look in your eyes whenever you come back… your eyes are haunted, and I'm scared that one day it'll be too much for you and that you'll do something stupid and that Alex and I will be left alone. I don't want you to die, Ian, I don't want you to leave us…"
Ian was taken aback by the sheer desesperation in her voice. Was it really that bad? Had he failed that badly at hiding his emotion from Jack ? Had he really caused the state she was now in ? Was he really the cause of her pain, he who had tried his best to protect her and Alex from the dangers of his life?