Disclaimer: Refer to the first chapter. I think I would burst out sobbing if I had to say it again.
Chapter One
The name that haunts my dreams every night now reverberates throughout the summer air. Licking my dry lips, I try to subtly wipe my sweaty palms on the back of my dress while Effie asks the unmoving crowd for any volunteers. I realize my knees are knocking together from shock. Peeta walks to his place beside me with an expression full of alarm. I resist the urge to stare at him; to whisper to him the one word I failed to say; to reach out with my fingertips and feel his steady heartbeat to ensure that he won't disappear again. I want to do everything and anything that will elicit his bright, reassuring grin. Instead I stare at the mayor and do the one thing I'm good at.
Bottling my feelings up.
After the annual reading of the Treaty of Treason, the time comes to shake hands. I close my eyes briefly to drink in the warmth of Peeta's slightly callused hands, the shaky squeeze, the tremors arising from the both of us. But the moment ends too soon. I open my eyes to see him staring at me with a confused look before two people whisk us off stage. In a flurry of motion, they herd us into the Justice Building before leading us off into opposite directions. Away from each other. Again.
A hand shoves me none too gently into the dim room. My knees promptly give out, causing me to collapse on the plush carpet with a burst of pain. I rub my tailbone with furrowed eyebrows, then realize that I'm in my unscarred body. The one not desensitized to pain yet.
Just as the soreness vanishes, Prim and my mother enter the room. I inhale and exhale slowly, choking down the tears that threaten to spill out. The cameras a voice reminds me so I fight down the tears with my molars grinding against one another.
As if it was the first time again, I tell them everything they must and must not do. I remind them that Gale will give them part of his daily shootings and that they will need to pay him back even if he asks for no compensation. To not disappear into a catatonic state for the second time. And the next thing I know, my mother and I are arguing about the same subject as the one we fought about two years ago. But the repugnant Peacekeepers are here, right on time, and the words come spilling out before I can stop them.
"I love you. I love you both. Forever." They mirror back what I say in tight voices, the white uniforms engulfing their bodies in an eerily familiar fashion. With renewed fierceness I say, "I'll make it, just watch." Prim gives me one final strained smile before they're gone. I grip the velvety carpet to prevent myself from tearing off after the two of them and killing each one of those Peacekeepers, but I don't.
I have a Game to attend.
I sense a body at the doorway and know it's Peeta's father. The charred remains of his bones flicker in my vision before I look up at his awkward blue eyes. He stays standing in the doorway rather than in one of the chairs, letting the silence fall over us. A memory of the past replays in my head with clarity. As if it happened yesterday.
It was the night after our hastily patched up wedding. Peeta and I just laying in bed. His scarred arm cradling my head while his other wraps around me in a protective gesture.
"Katniss."
I slowly look up into his eyes. The events of the rebellion had already removed any trace of innocence from them.
"On the day you were chosen to be in the Games," I stiffen slightly at the memory of the Hunger Games. Never would I have imagined that I'd be repeating this all over again. "My father visited you to give his blessings."
I nod. I knew from the moment he gave me those cookies.
"No, it's not what you think." He begins to run his thumb over my naked ring finger thoughtfully. And then it hits me.
"He knew that I was going to fall for you?" I frown at Peeta skeptically.
"He knew that we were going to get together." He corrects with a slight smile.
"How?" I ask, lacing my fingers with his, drawing out a breathy chuckle.
"The famous Mellark intuition."
It is these comfortable moments that always make a new abrasion in my worn out heart. Countless of them replayed every night. Horrible flashbacks where the memories are the most vivid and torturous.
A bag of cookies is set gently in front of my curled up stance. I realize that my hands are shaking from gripping the carpet too hard for too long.
He coughs. "I'll keep an eye on the little girl. Make sure she's eating."
Just as I remember it.
"Wait!" My mouth calls out to him. It seems to have a mind of its own today. Peeta's father pauses on his way out but he doesn't turn around. "I..." I try to formulate everything I want to say, and everything I need to say, without giving up too much information about my status. "I... Peeta..." My voice cracks at his name and renders me speechless like an avox.
"I know." He murmurs understandingly, leaving the room on his own accord this time instead of the Peacekeepers coming to fetch him.
I get up from my cramped position. Pacing around the room, I tell myself over and over again just two more people, Katniss, and you get on the train to the Games. Two more. Two more guests, Soldier Everdeen.
Madge comes and goes, evoking the image of her scorched body within my mind. According to Haymitch, she died trying to save her insane mother, who later passed away from the toxic fumes.
She fastens the mockingjay pin onto my dress- the pin that will one day be the symbol of the Resistance- before walking out. I'm caught between hurling it into a fire and holding onto it with all my might before Gale arrives. I feel the wind escaping my lungs in one breath as I take in his unscathed appearance. He opens his arms and I immediately step into his embrace. A tear manages to find its way out while I take a shuddering breath. The smell of wood smoke and the pine forest next to District 12, with the scent of Gale himself almost makes me moan from agony. It's been too long since I've been with him. I listen to his steady words with melancholy, remembering how the past Katniss took this hug for granted. Gale says everything the exact same as before, and I answer back with the same replies except with less vigor.
The Peacekeepers are back as we say the same parting words. This time around, I notice the frantic look Gale has and the burning agony present when the doors cut off his confession mid sentence. I'm no longer perplexed by his words.
Instead, I become miserable at the inevitable heartbreak Gale will have to go through the next two years. And I'll be there to instigate it. Again.
I'm numbly aware of getting out of the Justice Building and climbing aboard the train, but I've erased all emotions from my face beforehand. Someone pushes me into my room. The door closes and I'm left all alone for the something-th time.
I look down blankly at the sound of a soft plop and spot Peeta's pearl rocking back and forth on the floor. I stoop down to retrieve it, undress, and place it safely next to my mockingjay pin.
Still in autopilot, I make my way into the inviting shower and revel in the satisfying heat. There, I allow my mask to fall.
I permit the coils of happiness from seeing my loved ones again. The sadness from realizing that all of them will never truly be the people I knew in the past. Anger at Beetee for forcing me into the past and relive everything. Anticipation from the thought of saving the lives that matter this time. And most of all: fear. Anxiety. For I will need to face the Capitol a second time. I will need to face President Snow head on a second time. I will need to cope with the terror of my family being in danger for a second time.
Instinctively, the area where Johanna struck me begins to hurt. I raise a shaky palm to it, attempting to alleviate it, but I know it's no use. I realize that I need to tell someone about myself, but who?
An image of a ragged man with a bottle in hand appears in my mind's eye. I can imagine him saying, "Took you long enough, Sweetheart."
A/N: Not too shabby on the updating part, eh? I didn't procrastinate on this chapter... for once... Once again, I apologize for any horrendous grammar mistakes. I know they're in there.
Review with complements as great as Buttercup, or complaints as bad as tracker venom. All are welcome.