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Chapter 2 – You Could Cut the Sexual Tension with a Knife.

Elizabeth's eyes snapped open and she looked around, lips pursed like a bulldogs arse. She was trying to remember her dream. It was a dream she had had before, mostly because it had actually happened. She sat up suddenly and started to hyperventilate. "OHMYGODWHERETHEJESUSCHRISTAMI??" She wheezed with the beginnings of a spazz attack. "OHJESUSGODI'VEBEENKIDNAPPED! THEY'REGOINGTOKILLMEAND-" Very unexpectedly, she stopped rambling and looked around properly. "Oh. Oh right. I'm in my room. Why do I do that every morning?" She pondered to herself.

As she swung her legs over the edge of the bed, Elizabeth remembered the spooky dream. She was instantly reminded of the pirate bling she had stolen off her only friend. She stood up and moved towards her dressing table until she was interrupted by a knock at the door. She rolled her eyes and shouted "Go AWAY father. I'm in the NUDE."

Of course, she was not in the nude; her father just annoyed her quite a lot and experience had taught that this was the most effective way of getting rid of him. She opened one of the drawers on the dressing table and removed the contents and the secret false bottom. She removed the bottle of rum it contained, took a couple of swigs and then took the medallion out from its hiding place in her cleavage. Replacing the rum and the drawer she studied the gold and remarked at how odd it was that no one had ever noticed it hanging around her neck for eight years.

She looked into a mirror that hung on the wall and studied herself. She began to make some enthusiastic gangsta poses, complete with a ridiculous backwards cap. "Wicked bruv." She mumbled, crossing her arms gangsta style and looking surly. Her fun was once again ruined by a sharp knock at the door.

"Elizabeth?" Her father shouted through the door. "Can I come in yet?"

"Oh for pete's sake…" She grumbled, returning the medallion to her bosoms, taking off the cap and ripping her robe rather roughly from her bed. She shrugged it on sulkily.

"Are you alright dear? Are you decent?" Governor Swann continued to shout in his effeminate voice.

"Yes. Yes, bloody hell, yes." Elizabeth drawled in a bored voice as he walked in.

"What are you doing in bed at this hour? You freakishly lazy child." He said, frowning at her. One of the maids tore open the curtains with no warning, muttering "Muhahahahahahaaa" under her breath. Elizabeth shielded her eyes, hissing and screaming "ARRRRGHH!!! IT BURNS, IT BURNS".

"Don't be so melodramatic." Her father reprimanded. She spat at him from her position on the floor. "You should be nicer to me, you know. I've brought you a present." Elizabeth's eyes lit up dramatically as she leapt in the air squealing, "Presents! Ooh I LOVE presents!! Thank you daddy, thankyouthankyou!!"

No, Elizabeth was not a spoiled brat. She just appreciated the finer things in life and- well okay. She's a spoiled brat. So spoiled in fact, she was incapable of opening her own presents; daddy had to do it for her.

"Oh wow. I mean, it's er… very nice father." She said, slightly dejectedly. She eyed the curtain-ish pattern on the poncey dress contained in the gift box.

"Try it on then." Governor Swann beamed enthusiastically.

"May I inquire as to the occasion?" Elizabeth asked, practising her coy voice.

"What?" He replied. Elizabeth sighed.

"Why did you get me a gift?" She said slowly, as if she were talking to a small, backwards child.

"Does a father NEED an occasion to treat his spoiled little girl?" He smiled.

"No daddy of course not!" She squealed in reply, running behind the screen, dragging the maids by the mobcaps.

"Well, actually. Now that you mention it. Because you brought it up. Not my idea WHATSOEVER… I was wondering if you would wear it to Captain James Norrington's promotion ceremony this afternoon… Commodore Norrington as of this afternoon…"

Elizabeth stuck her head up from behind the screen and threw her robe and nightgown over the top. "Eurgh, Pervy Jimjams?? I knew it! Why would I want to waste my gift on him?"

"Oh Elizabeth, don't be like that. He's a fine gentleman, don't you think? He fancies you, you know."

She raised her eyebrows. "Yes, I noticed. Well if you think winking lecherously at my bust and shouting 'WOOF' every ten seconds is gentlemanly, then yes. Yes I do think he is a gentleman of the first waterrRARRRGHHHH."

"Elizabeth? How's it coming back there?" Governor Swann stopped teasing the knots out of his wig and looked worriedly at the screen.

"Well…" She wheezed, whilst looking round at the maid who was ferociously pulling at the corset strings. One of the maid's feet was propped on the screen and the other jammed against the wall, whilst the other maid screamed frantically 'SUCK IT IN! SUCK IT IN!'

"It's a bit hard to say…" Elizabeth squeaked.

"I'm told it's the latest fashion. In London, Paris AND Milan! MILAN!" The Governor replied, a bit disappointed that his gift was rather shoddy and made for a child.

"I don't give a flying rats arse about Milan! Good lord, do the women there even HAVE lungs??"

"What?"

"I'm sure if I cut mine out and gave them to the poor I could fit in this dressOH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!" Elizabeth screamed as the third row of string closed on the corset.

The carnage was interrupted by a butler who came in discretely and politely. He gave the screen a funny look (but a POLITE funny look, it was the butler). It did rather sound like someone was being murdered. Which I suppose you could argue Elizabeth was. "Erm… You have a visitor M'lord." He said uncertainly.

"Very well!" The Governor smiled. "You carry on with that Elizabeth. Just remember; THINK THIN!"

And with that, he pranced off after the butler down the stairs.

Meanwhile, the grown up version of William Turner was mooching around the entrance hall, prodding, poking and otherwise vandalising everything he saw. He meandered over to the candelabra on the wall and stared at it. It wasn't particularly interesting; he was just kind of obsessed with shiny things.

"Shiiiiiiiiiinyyyy…" He whispered, feeling the smoothness of the metal. It promptly fell off in his hand with a resounding clunk. "Bollocks…" Will whispered, looking around frantically for somewhere to put it as the sound of footsteps was heard on the stairs. He quickly kicked the broken candelabra under the hall table with the rest of the junk he had broken over the years and tried to look innocent.

"AH! Mr TURNER! How absolutely SPIFFING to see you again!!" Will looked up as Governor Swann came flouncing down the stairs with a disturbingly wide smile on his face. Will was slightly scared at how alarmingly cheerful the Governor always was to see him.

"Oh, er. Good day sir." Will said uncertainly as the Governor stood in front of him and just smiled. Really widely. Like a salesperson. "I have your order…" Will fumbled with the long, heavy box he was carrying and tried to slip in neatly onto the hall table. Unfortunately, the memory of all the broken junk underneath said table made him slip and the box went crashing into a vase of flowers, spilling water everywhere.

"Oh, hell! I'm so sorry sir!" Will cried, feeling the trembly-lower-lip syndrome coming on.

Governor Swann just grinned and flicked water droplets from his flowery housecoat. "Don't worry about it dear boy! No harm done! I never like this coat anyway! Not nearly embroidered enough!" He straightened his wig and patted it back into shape. "Show me the goods then!"

Will opened the box carefully (managing not to kill himself in the process) and took out a long, heavy sword, intricately and expertly crafted. He lovingly stroked the sword, as if it were a pet hamster, and handed it carefully to the Governor, saying worriedly "Mind his head!"

The Governor removed the sword from its scabbard with a flourish and began to inspect it thoroughly.

"Er, the blade is folded steel. With a touch of cinnamon." Will said, rather feeling that the situation called for a running commentary. Even though it didn't.

"Cinnamon?" Governor Swann inquired.

"Yes, it keeps it smelling nice. No matter how many pirates you slay. PIRATES!" Will yelled, and they both spat on the floor. "That's gold filigree inlaid into the handle. With a hint of vanilla." Will continued.

"Vanilla?" The Governor asked.

"Yes, it keeps it morning fresh. No matter how many sweaty hands molest my poor little baby."

"Molest?"

"Er, I mean, USE it. No matter how many people USE the sword."

The Governor nodded cheerfully in a satisfied manner.

"If I may?" Will asked hopefully, reaching for the sword. The Governor relinquished it gladly and the young blacksmith began to ramble on about something no one cared about for a while.

Governor Swann just stared at the boy in wonder. It was simply amazing how a person could be so completely obsessed with something so boring, he thought. He never wanted to get on Will's bad side, as who knows what he could do with that obsession of swords??

Very suddenly, Will did some kind of weird, flippy circus trick with the weapon. Of course, the Governor wasn't prepared for these types of high-jinks and didn't do the safe thing and take a step backwards.

"ARGH!! OH JESUS CHRIST! YOU IDIOT BOY! ARGH!!" The Governor screamed, holding a savaged piece of wig.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry sir!" Will cried in dismay, trying to re-attatch the piece of wig. The Governor batted his hand away and smiled.

"No, no, don't panic yourself. It's just a scratch. I have plenty more wigs." The Governor said, oblivious to the fact that his ear was haemorrhaging all over his shoulder. "Well, it's a very nice sword. I'm sure Commodore Norrington will be very pleased with it." Will cleaned the blood off and put the sword away in its box.

"If you'll excuse me. I need to change my wig." The Governor said, turning to leave. "Oh, and please do pass my compliments on to your master." He said before sashaying into the next room, missing the glowering look on Will's face.

"Bloody GOD!!" He cried. "MY MASTER DIED FOUR YEARS AGO!!! IT'S ME!! ALL MEEEE!!"

As a maid came in to clean up the blood/water/broken vase, Will tried to stop hyperventilating. The maid gave him a funny look as she lifted up the hem of the lace tablecloth and caught a glimpse of five years worth of broken stuff. Will whistled and looked around the room surreptitiously, trying to look innocent.

After the maid was safely gone, he made sure his precious creation was secure and turned to leave. However, the Governor re-entered the room wearing an even frillier coat, an even poncier wig and a bandage on his ear. At exactly the same time, Elizabeth appeared on the stairs wearing the child's dress and looking immaculate.

"Oh, Elizabeth! You look absolutely ravishing! Doesn't she look ravishing William?" The Governor said excitedly, nudging Will unnecessarily hard in the ribs. "Although I'm not sure about the tea-tray on your head… My! You do get ready rather fast! Doesn't she William?"

All Will could say was "Mfheungh" and gape like a wide mouthed tree frog. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Or even… a sword.

Spotting Will, Elizabeth squealed loudly "WILL!! OH MY GOD!!! WILL!! SNOG ME!!!" and leaned over the banister, trying to give him a good look down her dress. Her father coughed conspicuously and she rethought her greeting. "Oh hello Will. I didn't see you there. It's so good to see you." She said politely, gliding gracefully down the stairs.

Will merely stood, with a visible trail of drool running down his chin.

"I had a dream about you last night." She said seductively, coming to a stop beside her father.

"About me?" Will managed to stutter, hoping desperately it was the kinky sort of dream.

"Elizabeth, is that entirely proper for you to…?" Unfortunately, the Governors disapproving sentence wasn't heard by the two young people, as they were too busy slavering over each other.

"It was about the day we met, do you remember?" Elizabeth continued, in the same seductive voice.

"How could I forget? You saved my life! You're my everything! I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I-" Thankfully, Will's nauseating reply was drowned out by a loud honking noise.

"Oh! Look! There's the carriage!" Governor Swann cried in relief. "We really must be going! Come on Elizabeth!" He said, dragging her by the arm as she continued to try and lick Will.

"Noo! Don't leave me my love!! NOOOOOO!!" Will screamed, falling to his knees as the carriage drove off, Elizabeth's face pressed against the window as she mouthed "I LOVE YOU WILL".

He then realised that someone had taken the precious sword he had come to deliver.

Weeping, he collapsed face down onto the floor screaming "WHY?? WHY???"

And the carriage rode on, taking his woman, his sword and his dignity with it.

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