Aftermath: The Day After

"Kaidan. Go. Now."

Her orders ripped at his heart. He couldn't let her go alone to save Joker. Somehow he knew something horrible would happen if she went alone. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that she wouldn't come back if he didn't stop her. She was his Commander; going against her orders was mutiny. But he'd broken regs once for her, and he'd do it again if it meant saving her life.

"No! I'm coming with you!"

"That's an order, Lieutenant!" Shepard shouted back at him over her shoulder. She didn't want him to help her. Why didn't she want him to help her?

"I can't let you leave!" Kaidan cried out to her.

"Get the hell out of here, Kaidan!" Shepard turned around and waved an insistent arm at him. Kaidan felt his chest constrict. Something was wrong. He couldn't let her leave. He couldn't let her do this by herself.

"No!" Kaidan yelled back. Something itched in his mind. She couldn't go. If she did… "You'll die if you go, Shepard!"

Her stance softened. He could almost see her expression behind the visor. She knew. Shepard smiled. "I know."

"No…"

"Kaidan… go." Her voice lost its previous heat. She was quiet, patient.

"No! I can't let you die!"

"Please, I have to do this," Shepard said tenderly.

"No! You can't!"

"I have to, Kaidan," her voice cracked as she spoke the words. He could tell she didn't want to leave him.

"Let me come with you."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. You can't. Not this time."

"Shepard…."

"Take care of them for me."

She immediately turned and ran off into the fire before he could stop her. The flames engulfed her body. She was writhing, dying in front of him and he couldn't save her. He watched her burn in the fiery explosion, watched as he safely floated off into space without her.

"Shepard!" Kaidan shot up, his heart pounding ferociously in his chest. He instantly put a hand to his head, the intense ache of a migraine throbbing through his skull. Wet drops slid down his face and landed on the sheets in his lap. He didn't try to stop them. In the darkness, the quiet, he broke down letting his grief overtake him.

His chest closed in on itself, compressing until he felt he couldn't even breathe. Kaidan grit his teeth against the pain, against the tears, against his grief. He choked on a sob realizing that even in the year he had known Shepard, he really didn't know that much about her. Kaidan couldn't recall her favorite food, what she liked to do for R&R, or even what she wanted to do after serving with the Alliance. They'd talked once about taking shore leave together. He'd mentioned Vancouver, and she'd simply replied that it would be nice.

Lying back, Kaidan gripped his hair in his hands. His migraine threatened to split his head open and he welcomed it, wanting the pain, wanting to just let it all end. Why didn't she let him go save Joker instead? Why her and not him? It should have been him. He wanted it to be him. Kaidan shut his eyes tight, his tears barely trickling down the sides of his temples. He didn't care to wipe them away.

Someone stirred in a cot across from him and Kaidan wiped his face, trying to regain his composure. He couldn't fall apart like this, even for Shepard. He was an Alliance soldier, an Officer even, he knew the risks. She knew the risks, he told himself. It was all part of the job. Kaidan clenched his fist. He'd never lost anyone under his command until the Normandy. Their first mission they'd lost Jenkins. Then later Ash on Virmire. And now Shepard.

He couldn't save Jenkins. Then on Virmire, Shepard chose to save him instead of Ashley. Now Shepard was gone as well. And he couldn't save her. He should have saved her. He should never have left her, never have let her go up on the bridge alone. Maybe if… Kaidan shut his eyes tight knowing that there was no way to know what would have happened. He only knew that he wished he'd have gone up there instead of her. Then at least she'd still be alive.

Kaidan awoke to another headache, his eyes puffy and swollen. He couldn't recall when he fell back asleep or how long he'd been out. Rolling over took far more energy than it should have. He tapped at his omni-tool and he squinted to make out the time. Nine thirty-three a.m. He'd slept in more than two hours past his usual service report hour. It shouldn't have surprised him that no one came to get him up for duty after the Normandy's destruction though.

Quickly, he got out of the makeshift cot and started to put on his battle casuals. He tried to ignore the empty feeling in his chest but it kept growing. A few renegade tears slipped down his cheeks and he hastily wiped them away. He had to do this. Had to get up, to keep going, had to take care of them… for her. Kaidan cleared his throat and snatched his boots, sitting on the edge of the cot so he could put them on.

Kaidan. Go. Now. Kaidan stopped tying his boot and gripped his hair, trying to stem the hammering in his head. His heart constricted until he thought it would stop and he felt himself shake with his sobbing before he knew he had started crying again. Kaidan collapsed, elbows on his knees and wept. I can't, he thought to her. I can't do this without you.

You're a hell of a soldier. She smiled. Come on, Kaidan.

He shook his head, sucking in deep breaths of air, trying to battle the hole in his heart, the pounding in his head as he remembered her. Wasn't it just yesterday they had breakfast together? He could still see her smile, remember her voice, her scent. He could stay here, give in to his migraine. No one would bother him. Kaidan didn't feel like he could go on, didn't feel like he was anywhere near being fit for duty. He couldn't even tie his own boots.

I need you focused, Lieutenant.

"Shepard please," he begged out loud. "I can't…"

Silence was his answer and Kaidan grit his teeth against the pain. Shepard wouldn't want him to fall apart like this. She wouldn't want him to wallow in bed after she sacrificed herself to save them. Kaidan finished tying his boot, then put on the other one. It took a lot of effort to tighten the boot, knot the laces, but he managed.

He forced himself to stand, to go to down to the men's bathroom and wash his face. Kaidan was glad no one else was in there at the moment. His eyes were still red and a shadow of facial hair speckled his jaw and chin. His head still ached, and even after a few cold splashes of water, he still looked exhausted. He didn't look like he was in any condition to be working, but he found he needed to. Kaidan needed something to keep him occupied, to keep him from thinking about how bad he hurt inside.

The Toyko was a decently sized cruiser. Some of the crew had even managed to get some beds in the crew quarters, like Adams who had served on the ship before being transferred to the Normandy. Kaidan himself had opted for a cot in the cargo holds since there weren't enough beds for everyone. The Normandy had a smaller crew, but there were still enough of them to make an impact on the ship's capacity and supplies.

Kaidan skipped the mess, knowing in the back of his mind that he shouldn't. His migraine ached loudly in his head and he felt nauseous though he wasn't sure if that was from the headache or his grief. Maybe he should eat breakfast, but he couldn't manage to dredge up an appetite. He remembered Shepard's last meal, nothing more than a quick protein ration and a glass of water. It wasn't fair. Everything she did, all the people she saved, and she never got to take a break. She didn't even have a decent meal.

The bridge bustled with activity now that it was carrying a host of rescued soldiers. Some of the servicemen had come up here to work on something, anything, just like he was trying to do. They needed life to go on, needed something to make them feel normal, to keep their minds busy and off thinking about what had happened. It felt like a lifetime ago. Had it really been less than a day since the Normandy was attacked? Less than a day ago that Shepard had died?

He decided the bridge had an overabundance of those to help out, though he didn't see Joker anywhere up there. Strange since that's where he would expect him to be. Flying was the only thing that really made Joker happy. But then again, he'd been flying the Normandy just fifteen hours ago as it was ripped apart by some massive ship they had yet to find or even identify. Maybe flying right now was too painful, even for him.

Kaidan shuffled down to engineering. He often felt quite a home near the mass effect cores, working in the dim lighting, listening to the hum of the engines. As he walked in some lower service men stationed to the Toyko glanced over but didn't say anything. What could they say, he thought. He'd probably be silent if it were him as well. He spotted the woman who had to be their head engineer down here. It was strange to not see Adams, but he had been hurt pretty badly and was most likely stuck up in his bed or at another check up in the med-bay.

"Can I help you?" The woman asked, her dark brows pursed in concern. No doubt she didn't want the Normandy's crew getting in her way. They'd be back to Earth for a debrief within the next 18 hours as well, so really he should have just waited it out like most of the rest of the crew. He couldn't go back to the cargo bay though. He needed to keep his mind occupied.

"Staff Lieutenant Alenko," he reported. She immediately saluted him and he saluted back, mostly just a formality since he was a ranking officer even if he wasn't stationed to this particular ship. Shepard had been so casual with the way she ran the Normandy that he almost forgot about those types of proprieties. Luckily, from his years before serving with Shepard, the return salute had become somewhat instinctual. He wouldn't have thought to do it had she not initiated the salute. "Just wondering if you needed any extra help down here."

He sounded more formal than he felt, probably brought on by the engineer's salute. She was quite a bit older than he was, silver touching her dark her, wrinkles creasing around her eyes and mouth. They were the lines of a person who smiled and laughed a lot, the lines of a person who'd led a joyful life or at least who took joy in the life they had. She even had a few age spots, but the look was becoming on her. She reminded him of an endearing neighbor his parents had in Vancouver, Ellie, and he instantly felt at ease around her.

"Engineer Thompson, Lieutenant," she replied. For a moment she simply watched him, taking in his face, examining him. Kaidan felt a bit scrutinized, like the way Ellie would examine the fruits harvested from her orchard. More self-conscious than uncomfortable. He wondered if his eyes still looked a little red, if his forehead was still wrinkled with his strain to keep him mind off of Shepard… Kaidan's heart felt crushed again and he absently rubbed at his chest while waiting for Engineer Thompson to go on. "We're all in the green down here, Lieutenant. Not much to do down here."

"Please," he heard himself ask. He frowned and shut his eyes, he sounded pathetic. Thompson's gaze softened though and she turned around and quickly retrieved a data pad.

"I've got a few maintenance tests that could use running." She held the pad from him though. "But only if you're capable of performing them, Lieutenant."

"It's what I came down here for," he replied. Thompson pushed the pad into his hand and sighed before motioning over to a console.

"You can run the radial output signatures from there, but you'll have to go down into the duct to get accurate thermal regulator readings. She's a steady boat but old, so the sensors aren't always dependable up here."

Kaidan nodded, just thankful to have a task. "Thanks."

Thompson just turned back to whatever it was she was monitoring before and Kaidan set to work. For six hours he lost himself in the numbers, even double checking his results before recording them just to make sure he didn't make any mistakes. It also made his task last longer, which he didn't mind in the least. When he had to go down into the ducts it worked even better since he had to struggle to fit through the gap and take the readings.

He finished though. Thompson had left already for a meal so he dropped his results off with one of the lower service men on watch. After that he wandered back to the cargo hold. Kaidan still didn't have an appetite at all. Instead he laid down in his cot, tired, but more from emotional exhaustion than physical. He heard some of the crew chatting in a section of the hold. Someone was crying softly in another part of the room. He instantly felt a tear trace down the side of his face and he wiped it away, rolling over on his side and pinching the bridge of his nose.

You were so decisive before, Lieutenant. What's going on now?

Shepard… I'm-

Shhh…. It's alright, Kaidan. Just do better by me next time.

There won't be a next time. Because you're gone.