A few years ago, a friend and I were bored in our Geometry class.
We took turns writing whatever we wanted and tried to make it as absurd as possible.
I think I uploaded this once before in an attempt at compiling short stories.
I didn't have much else to add to the compilation at the time, so I scrapped it.
This isn't meant to be a political statement or anything like that, so don't get all triggered and throw a fit over it.
It's satire.
Kevin and John went on a mission to find the secret Hydra base, in search of the Illuminati symbiote. This symbiote would grant its host the powers of the Great Eye itself, and was needed to launch the assault against the dark lord, Donald Trump. Wielding his billionaire power from Trump Tower, the dark lord took Santa hostage and turned the inhabitants of the North Pole into horrible monstrosities that devoured the Northern Lights in order to shroud the world in the darkness of Trump's hellish master, George Bush Sr.
The Hydra base turned out to be empty, and the symbiote was there for the taking. Except there were TWO symbiotes. Both Kevin and John bonded with one, awakening their awesome power. Kevin's symbiote was bright green, the blessing of The Illuminati. John's symbiote was dark blue, the blessing of Papa Franku, another powerful deity. Grateful for the power that their lord and savior, Shrek, had bestowed upon them, the two friends set off to Trump Tower to end the madness once and for all.
However, the golden eye of Trump sees all, and knew they were coming. Using his unholy power, he turned Trump Wall into a dark mech named Wallio that shot racist lasers at Mexico. Kevin and John arrived just in time to stop the robot from destroying Mexico. With the power of their symbiotes and the blessings of the gods, Kevin and John did battle with Wallio, quickly destroying him. The two friends then rallied the Mexicans, and stormed New York with their army hellbent on ending the reign of terror once and for all.
However, what the approaching army failed to realize was that Wallio had merely been a distraction. Using eldritch knowledge, the Cult of Trump turned Trump Tower into a mandala, which they used to summon the spirit of Tower-Tron, enemy of minorities and harbinger of bad hair. Tower-Tron merged with Donald, creating one of the worst monstrosities known to man. Using his new, unholy powers, Donald resurrected the entity known as Adolph Hitler to assist him in battle. Adolph promptly exclaimed; "Jüdisch Schwein"!, and led his army of Nazis into battle against Kevin, John, and their army of angry Mexicans.
The battle was fierce, the causalities were many, but Kevin and John were winning. The undead Nazis fell easily against the onslaught of Hispanic fury. Soon, John had slain Adolph Hitler once again. Hitler's dying words were; "Heil Hydra". The heroes were winning, their army was doing battle with Tower-Tron, the future was looking bright. But then something terrible happened. An unnatural darkness covered the sky, and a massive crevice opened under Trump Tower, swallowing the mandala. Then, the fearsome battle cry; "ore wa ochinchin ga daisuki nandayo", rang out from the crevice.
They couldn't believe it. It was Chin-Chin, the dark Lycra god, mortal enemy of Papa Franku. But he had not come from the crevice. Chin-Chin had come from a portal to his own domain; Jacksonville, Florida. The real purpose of the crevice was revealed as a demonic manifestation emerged from it. It was the monstrous form of the true Dark Lord, the king of Oblivion, enemy of all things good. It was George Bush Sr. himself.
The three demons used their powers to tear through the opposing army, bringing a terrible fate to many Mexican warriors. But then the demons shifted their attention to Kevin and John. Knowing the weakness of symbiotes, they assaulted them with high-pitched frequencies, bringing tremendous pain to both symbiote and host. Just as the two friends thought it was over, the demons stopped their assault, allowing them to recover.
They didn't know why the pain had stopped, until they each felt a hand on their shoulder. They couldn't believe their eyes. It was Papa Franku himself, accompanied by a physical manifestation of the Illuminati. But then something even more miraculous happened. A beautiful hole tore through the dark sky, and their god descended to Earth to assist in battle. It was the Ogrelord himself, Shrek.
Shrek restored the friends layers and gave them each an onion. Then, the three gods approached the demons threatening their world. Enraged, Shrek shouted; "This is my swamp"! Together, Shrek, Franku, and the Illuminati used their holy powers to banish Chin-Chin, Tower-Tron, and George Bush Sr. back to the darkness that they had come from. This separated the bond between Tower-Tron and Donald Trump, leaving him weakened and defenseless. Thinking quickly, Kevin used some super-sick meme skills to decimate Lord Trump. Papa Franku sent the few remaining Trump supporters to Realm 0, also known as The Rice Fields.
It was over, the battle had been won. With a smile on his face, Shrek said to Kevin and John; "It's all Ogre now". Then the three gods ascended back to Sovngarde, their heavenly home. Kevin and John were pleased. They had completed their mission. Santa was free, the inhabitants of the North Pole had been cured, the Northern Lights had returned, and the world was free from Trump's expensive tyranny forever.