Somethin' Smells
The Delirium Threemen
December 2010
Don't own the copyright to any of the characters depicted in Emergency they are the property of Universal Studios/Mark VII Productions.
All original characters and story content is the sole property of The Delirium Threemen and may not be used without permission.
Part II of II
"Chris, Jen, simmer down. I'm on the phone," Roy covered the end of the phone with his hand as he tried to quash the voices of his boisterous children.
"But Daddy! We want Uncle Johnny to hear us," Jennifer protested as her lips formed into a huge pout.
"Jennifer," Roy said her name sternly before switching to a softer tone, "I'm trying to talk and Uncle Johnny can't hear me with the ruckus you two are making."
Joanne caught the wearisome look Roy cast her way. She responded by ushering the children into the living room. A few seconds later she had managed to lower the noise level on their offspring. Roy was able to continue his conversation on the phone without having to shout to be heard.
Roy let out a heavy sigh, "Yeah I know, Joanne and I have been working on it."
"Well, it annoys me too. They live here, remember," Roy replied back into the phone.
"Trust me, I thought about gagging them, but Joanne won't let me."
"Okay, we'll see you around four," Roy said as he hung up the phone.
Roy made his way to the living room and sat down on the couch beside Joanne as their children played at the other end of the room. He leaned his head onto her shoulder and whispered, "How did you manage to turn the volume down on them?"
Joanne gave his waist a gentle squeeze, "I didn't actually win that battle. They're still humming it."
"This has been going on for almost a week. Most kids would have moved on to something else by now."
"They started up when they found out who you were on the phone with. Just mentioning 'J-O-H-N-N-Y' gets them going."
"Shhhhh, not to loud. Chris knows how to spell."
"Why don't you take the 'fruit of your loins' outside with you while you finish up the yard? Maybe they can burn off some of their excitement before Johnny gets here," Joanne suggested patting his knee before heading off towards the kitchen.
Johnny's arrival sent another rendition of 'Skip to the Loo' echoing through the DeSoto house. Roy finished changing into some clean clothes before heading downstairs. The singing mysteriously stopped just before he entered the living room. He knew the reason for the miraculous silence as he spotted Johnny in the entrance way with a couple of 'Toys 'я' Us' bags in hands. Johnny managed to lure the two children into the living room.
"I have something for the two of you, but first I need you to promise me something," Johnny said as he knelt down beside the two children wrapping an arm around each one, drawing them in closer.
Chris and Jennifer looked up at Johnny with the same questionable expression that their father was currently wearing. Roy often gave him that same look whenever he tried to convince him that his latest 'get rich scheme' was a sure thing.
Johnny took a small gulp of air as two sets of innocent blue eyes bared down on him, "If you two promise not to sing THAT song 'Uncle Chet' taught you for the rest of the day I'll let you see what's in the bags."
"But he told us that you loved that song," Jennifer replied as clouds of disappointment filled her eyes.
Chris looked at Johnny, his eyes mirroring his sister's "You really don't like that song, do you?"
Johnny squirmed uncomfortably for a moment, trying to think of a plausible explanation, one that wouldn't hurt the children's feelings. He wanted to strangle Chet for misleading them into thinking he enjoyed that damn song.
"I do - I-I really do like that song, but-but," Johnny softly spoke taking a moment to lick his lips before continuing, "Ya' see kids, its getting on your Dad's nerves hearing it all the time."
"Mommy is always telling Daddy he's an ole' poop," Jennifer added gazing forlornly at her father.
Roy glowered at Johnny who returned an awkward smile towards his partner's. Johnny quickly directed his attention back to the children. Joanne stood in the kitchen doorway looking on in amusement as Roy huffed over being made the 'bad guy' in front of his kids.
Chris cast a leery glance towards his father before finally releasing a 'man-size' gust of air, "Oookaay, we promise not to sing that song anymore."
Johnny clapped his hands together as he dug into one of the bags, "Well then, let's check out what 'Uncle Johnny' brought for the two of you."
Jennifer let out a high-pitched squeal of delight as she pulled out a Tug Boat Shower for her Rub-A-Dub Dolly. Chris was equally excited but expressed it with a loud 'Neat-O' instead as he pulled out a new Evel Knievel figure that came with his own stunt cycle. Johnny assisted the children in getting the items out of their packaging. Joanne and Roy exchanged looks between each other. They KNEW the reason for Johnny bringing 'gifts' for the children – bribery.
Joanne convinced Jennifer she needed to wait until bath time before she could use her doll's new shower. Jennifer was content to play with her doll and shower set on the living room floor and imagine 'real' water was coming out of the Tugboat Shower. Johnny was helping Chris set up the stunt cycle. A few moments later they launched the action figure and stunt cycle down the hallway.
"Hey Chris, why don't you grab some stuff so we can build a ramp for ol' Evel Knievel," Johnny suggested.
Roy watched as Chris returned from his room with some books and blocks for the ramp. He shook his head in amusement as he watch Johnny and Chris playing while Jennifer sat nearby watching the action. Roy threw the family dog, Fergie, a sympathetic glance as he watched Evel Knievel perform a 'death defying' jump over 'Furry Dog Mountain.' He headed off into the kitchen to see if Joanne needed any in the kitchen while Johnny and his two children continued to come up with more dare escapades for Evel to perform.
Roy watched Johnny's Land Rover head down the street until it became a small speck in the distance. He watched the speck round the corner at the end of the road before heading back into his house. He heard the squeals delight from his daughter Jennifer reverberating from the bathroom and filling the house. Roy sat down in the living room to watch a documentary on the Salmon River that was airing on National Geographic.
A short time later, a pajama-clad Jennifer climbed up onto his lap to snuggle in her father's arms. Twenty minutes later, Chris joined them and leaned up against his him. After the show ended, Roy carried a sleeping Jennifer to bed and tucked her in. He checked in on Chris to make sure he was settled in for the night before heading off to his own bedroom.
He grabbed the book from the nightstand as heading into the adjoining bathroom. He started running some water for a bath as he undressed. A couple of inches filled the bottom of the tub as he climbed in. He turned the hot water up a little more before opening his book. He wanted to enjoy some solitude and unwind a bit before turning in for the night. He didn't notice Joanne standing beside the tub until he felt something pelting against the skin of his back. Roy looked up and saw his wife clad in a robe standing above the tub with a box of Calgon in her hand. A sly smile spread across her face as she poured more of the scented soap into the foaming water. A strong flowery scent filled the misty steam that rose from the hot water.
Joanne let her robe slip off as she uttered "Mind if I join you?"
Joanne proceeded to enter the tub without waiting for her husband's response. Roy's mind became focused on 'one thing' as he moved to the back of the tub to make room for his wife. Joanne turned off the water before positioning herself between her husband's long legs. She turned her head slightly so she could look into his grinning face as she leaned back against his chest.
"Rub-A-Dub-Dub, your wife needs a scrub," she said in a mischievous voice as Roy's arms tightened around her.
Roy smiled down at her, "I don't recall THAT particular chore on the list."
Joanne scooped up some bubbles with her hand and decorated his shoulder with them. She pulled his head down for a kiss, "I'm sure you'll put your back into this chore."
Roy grabbed the sponge from her hand and lightly rubbed her shoulders with it. She laughed in delight as she heard him softly sing in between kisses on her neck and shoulders.
"Rubber ducky you're the one, you make bath time lots of FUN."
Roy entered the locker room and quickly began to change into his uniform. Mike and Marco were already in the kitchen enjoying some coffee before roll call. He was almost finished dressing as a whirlwind named Johnny rushed into the locker room with Chet following closely behind him. Johnny quickly started peeling off his street clothes as Roy finished buttoning his shirt. Suddenly Johnny stopped and sniffed at the air around him.
"Do you smell that Roy? Someone spraying perfume in here? It almost smells like a flower shop in here."
Roy realized that he still carried the scent of that Calgon stuff Joanne put in their bath last night. Johnny was close enough to him to smell it. The last thing Roy wanted was Johnny needling him all day long over this. Perhaps if he pretended everything was 'normal' Johnny would let the issue drop.
"Sorry, Johnny, I don't smell a thing," Roy answered nonchalantly.
Johnny said as he continued to sniff at the air, "You sure? Something smells flowery around here."
"Could be from outside. You know, the flowers are starting to bloom this time of year," Roy said as he grabbed his paramedic jacket and put it on. Hopefully, the jacket would stifle some of the floral fragrance that was emanating from his body. He quickly did up the zipper and hurried off towards the kitchen.
Mike and Marco were conversing at the kitchen table as Roy poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter. He figured it was a bad idea to join them. If he got within arm's length of the other guys they might also notice his unusually feminine smell just like Johnny. He knew he would have a tougher time pulling the wool over their eyes.
"Hi Roy, how were you days off?" Marco asked.
"Joanne had a list of stuff for me to do that lasted until late yesterday afternoon," Roy said with a grimace.
"Yeah, Gayle had me working my tail off too," Mike said.
Roy grinned, "Makes you wonder if our wives are conspiring together to work us to death on our days off."
"I wouldn't doubt that. I never had a list of chores to do on my days off until Gayle and Joanne started hanging around together," Mike snorted.
"I have no doubt that Joanne taught her that trick." Roy chuckled.
"Morning, morning, morning," Johnny said as he entered the kitchen.
He quickly poured himself a coffee joining Mike and Marco at the kitchen table. After they had finished their coffee, they headed into the bay to and lined up for roll call. Roy made sure he was at the end of the line. He knew he could pull one over on Johnny but he wasn't sure if the rest of the guys would be so gullible. Johnny stood beside him while Captain Stanley was handing out the chores to his crew when he noticed Johnny sniffing at the air.
Knowing Johnny had a tendency to try and hide what he considered minor injuries or illnesses, Captain Stanley was compelled to question the paramedic, "Gage, are you coming down with a cold?"
"No...no, everything is fine, Cap," Johnny answered. Captain Stanley gave him a dubious look before continuing. The other fellows didn't notice the flowery smell so maybe it was just him or maybe it was drifting in from outside like Roy suggested, Johnny thought.
Johnny commented about how busy Rampart as Roy drove the squad back to the station after their last run, "Man, Rampart was a zoo this morning, usually busy for this time of day"
"Yeah, most of that was from that five car pile up on 405 earlier this morning. Looks like Squads 99 and 14 had a pretty hectic morning handling that one," Roy replied.
Johnny sighed deeply, "I guess we should count ourselves lucky we weren't called out to that one."
"It looked like things were starting to get under control there," Roy added
"Maybe by this afternoon I'll get a chance to test the waters with that new nurse, Shelly?"
"Shelly? Don't tell me you noticed a pretty nurse among all that mayhem? What happened to last week's romantic interest? Polly or something," Roy inquired.
"It was Paula. She really wasn't my type anyway." Johnny corrected him.
Roy exhaled deeply, "Yeah whatever, Junior. I'm sure you'll have this one eating out of the palm of your hand in no time as well."
"Roy, you know what your problem is?"
"I'm sure you're gonna tell me whether I want to hear it or not."
"You've been married for too long. You've lost your sense of romance a long time ago. Heck, Joanne and the kids think you're an OLD POOP."
"What makes you think it was my sense of romance that they were referring to? Joanne sticks around for a reason," Roy said defensively.
"Yeah, well the only thing she needs an OLD POOP for is to mow the lawn, lift heavy objects and squish bugs."
"Yeah, well, for your information something romantic happened at least twice since we've been married."
"I often wonder about that. Face it Roy; you're just not the romantic type."
"Next you're gonna tell me the stork dropped off Christopher and Jennifer," Roy said in annoyance.
"That wouldn't surprise me. Either the stork or you and Joanne went to the cabbage patch," Johnny scoffed.
Roy replied dryly, "Actually we bought them at a two for one sale."
Johnny leaned over and grabbed the mic. Once he let Dispatch know the squad was available he started to sniff at the air in the cab of the squad. "That's the same smell that I noticed at the station. You didn't get into some of Joanne's perfume or something, did you Roy?"
Roy knew the best thing to do in this situation was to try and convince Johnny that his fragrance was all in his head. "I think that incident with the outhouse has ruined your sense of smell. I recall a few shifts ago you were hearing imaginary noises coming from the squad. Now you're experiencing imaginary smells." He knew he could always nail Johnny on the mysterious noises the squad made that nobody else heard.
Johnny snorted out a retort to Roy's last comment. "I DID NOT imagine that rattle in the squad and I'm NOT imagining that smell either," he paused to sniff before adding, "AND NO I don't have loose seeds in my gourd".
"Maybe the next time we're at Rampart you can have your next future conquest examine your nose."
Dixie McCall looked at the clock on the wall above the nursing station. She couldn't believe it was 12:30 already. She had been on shift since seven this morning and had been running her tail off since she walked through the doors at Rampart Emergency. This was the first moment she had to sit down and organize some of the paper work that had piled up at the nursing station.
Dixie just finishing sorting through her paper work when Dr. Kelly Brackett walked over to the coffee pot behind the station and filled his cup. Taking a sip of the sludge he grimaced. "This stuff's been sitting too long. Tastes like motor oil. Wonder if the stuff in the lounge is any better?"
"Joe just went in there. I imagine he's starting a fresh pot," Dixie answered.
"You look like you could use a good cup of coffee yourself. Care to join me in the lounge with Joe," Dr. Brackett asked.
"I think I'll take you up on that. After the morning from hell I sure could use a break and a good fresh cup of coffee," Dixie replied back as she got up from her chair and followed Dr. Brackett in to the lounge.
Roy and Johnny walked into the staff room to find Dixie, Dr. Early and Dr. Brackett sitting at the round table. Roy quickly grabbed a cup and filled it with coffee. So far he had managed to deflect all of Johnny's remarks about the source of the aroma that was following him around all morning. He sensed that Johnny wasn't quite convinced that the smell was imaginary. Roy had actually prayed for a run that would either involve water or some type of messy situation where he could at least wash or rinse to get rid of the fragrance on his body.
"My partner thinks there's something wrong with my nose," Johnny told the tired trio sitting at the table as he waved an arm towards his partner.
Dr. Brackett let out a deeply exaggerated sigh, "I'll look at it the next time it's broken."
"Well, its like this Doc," Roy began to addressing the trio sitting at the table, "Johnny seems to have gone from hearing imaginary rattles in the squad to smelling imaginary smells."
"Ha, ha, very funny, from a man that smells like a floral garden," Johnny quipped backed.
"See, there's that imagination of his running wild again. I bet those chemicals from that poop house rescue last week affected your sense of smell."
Johnny snorted, "You're just a barrel of laughs."
Dixie eyeballed the two paramedics before getting up to refill her cup. She noticed Roy slowly moving further away from the pot almost as if he was distancing himself from her. She targeted her eyes on him suspiciously. She KNEW he was hiding something from Johnny. Roy tried to scoot away from her as she deliberately took a step in his direction.
"Hold right there mister," Dixie said while sternly pointing a finger at Roy. He stood frozen in place. She closed the gap between them and took a quick sniff into Roy's shoulder.
"Just as I suspected. Johnny's not imagining things. Roy's trying to pull one over on him," Dixie said giving the paramedic a stern look as she sat down at the table.
"So Johnny is right. Roy smell a little floral today?" Dr. Early inquired.
"Roy smells a lot like Calgon," Dixie answered.
Johnny couldn't hide the rising triumph in his voice, "Ah-ha, I KNEW IT!. IT'S Roy that smells like a flower garden."
"Calgon?" Dr. Brackett asked.
"Yeah, you add the stuff in your bath water then it 'takes you away' from it all or so the slogan goes. Joanne bought me a box of it to thank me for keeping an eye on Roy when he got his tonsils out," Dixie replied.
"Nope, not ringing a bell," Dr. Brackett said with a slight shake of his head.
"Come on Kel, everyone's seen at least one of those commercials. You know the lady shouts out 'Calgon, take me away', after complaining about the traffic, her boss, the baby, the dog," Dixie replied.
Johnny's face split into a grin, "The one with the girl in the tub full of bubbles with the great legs, Doc."
"Oh yeah, I remember THAT commercial," Dr. Brackett smiled at the image that filled his mind.
A devilish look transcended upon Johnny's face as he began his interrogation, "Here's what I'd like to know, pally?"
"There's nothing to know." Roy replied as flatly as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"Oh really? I'd like to know why you were using Joanne's bubble bath stuff?"
Dr. Early couldn't hide the mischief that twinkled in his eyes or in the tone of his voice, "I'd like to hear the answer to that one, myself."
Four pairs of eyes gazed at Roy waiting for his answer. A wave of heat transcended over his body as he felt his mouth suddenly go dry. Finally, his voice squeaked out the answer the others were waiting for, "Joanne put the stuff in my bath water."
"Are you telling me that Joanne just waltzed into the bathroom and poured the stuff in the water? Don't you lock the door when you're in there?" Johnny pressed on as Roy grew more uncomfortable.
"I-I, w-we, only lock the door to keep the kids out," Roy stammered.
"Come on, Roy, Joanne has no business walking in on ya. Unless, of course, she's up to no good," Johnny continued grilling Roy. He was thoroughly enjoying watching his partner flounder around in embarrassment.
Dr. Brackett whispered to his two companions, "That's probably why Roy doesn't lock the bathroom door."
"Maybe Roy had something in the tub to amuse himself with, like his favorite bath toy," Dr. Early responded with a loud whisper causing the other two sitting at the table to break down in laughter.
"Come on, Junior, I think its time we make our exit," Roy said as he tugged on Johnny's arm.
Johnny grinned evilly at his partner, "Not so fast pally, you still haven't explained to us WHY Joanne put the Calgon in your bath water."
The heat of embarrassment rose higher within Roy's body. The cute little rhyme Joanne whispered as she joined him in the tub along with a couple of commercial jingles began swirling around in his brain. Four pairs of eyes remained fixated on the hapless paramedic waiting for his response. Roy opened and closed his mouth several times without actually emitting a sound.
"I'm not letting you off the hook, buddy boy," Johnny replied as he impatiently tapped his foot on the floor.
"You see…it's like this…."
"Go, on."
Dr. Brackett couldn't resist helping Johnny out now that the tables were turned on Roy. "Yes Roy, please, do go on," Dr. Brackett said in a deep, serious tone before bowing his head down to let a hearty chuckle bubble up from in his throat.
"Well, you know, ummmm," Roy took a deep breath and let the kaleidoscope of phrases and jingles currently filling his mind pour out of his mouth, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, two people in a tub, cause two in the tub is more fun than one. AND YES! I lost myself in luxury amongst other things."
The three of them renewed their laughter as the normally sane half of the paramedic duo finished his diatribe. Roy's face was almost purple as he lost the last remaining threads of his composure. The only thing on his mind at the moment was getting out of the lounge. Roy quickly left the room without looking back. Johnny quickly said good-bye as he hurriedly followed his partner down the hall leaving Dixie, Dr. Early and Dr. Brackett still chuckling heartily in the break room.
Dr. Early scratched his head, "You know that's the funniest case of role reversal I've every seen."
"Tell me about it. How often do we get to see the calm, cool and collected part of that duo become unraveled?" Dr. Brackett added trying to get his laughter under control.
Dixie started to rub her sides which were aching from the amusement provided by her two favorite paramedics. "You know fellas, after the morning we just had, those two just made the rest of my day much brighter."
"Yeah, moments like this make it hard to believe that those two happen to be our best paramedic team," Dr. Brackett concluded.
Dixie got up from the table and placed her empty coffee cup into the sink. "Well, I think the three of us better headed back to work. I don't know if I can survive a follow-up visit from those two. My sides are killing me from laughing so much," Dixie said as she left the break room followed shortly by the two doctors.
"Not another word out of you, partner," Roy grumbled putting the breaks on whatever verbal assault Johnny was thinking of hurling his way.
A twitter of laughter escaped Johnny as he thought of another way to torment his partner, "Rub-a-dub dolly, soft pretty dolly, she takes a bath when you bathe too. Taking a bath can be lots of fun, 'cause two in the bathtub is more fun than one."
Roy looked over at Johnny who had an ear-to-ear grin plastered on his face. He shook his head and returned his gaze back to the road in front of him.
"Ya' know Johnny, there's something disturbing…almost perverted hearing a grown man sing that."
The grin on Johnny's face disintegrated into a disgruntled frown, "You know Roy, you're right. Huh, I guess that puts the kibosh on getting the rest of the guys serenading you with it."
"Besides the engine should still be out on that call for the garbage truck that flipped under that overpass."
"Au contraire MON frère," Johnny gave Roy a triumphant grin as he pointed to the squad radio, "I overheard on the squad radio on the way to the hospital that they finished up. They could be back at the barn by the time we return."
Roy threw Johnny a triumphant grin as he parked the squad in the empty bay. Johnny pointed straight ahead as the Engine began backing into the bay. Johnny playfully punched Roy in the shoulder before he jumped out of the passenger side to greet the Engine crew. Roy leaned against the wall of the bay.
Captain Stanley was the first to exit out of the engine and before his feet even hit the pavement he shouted out an order to Chet, "Kelly, I want you to hit the showers pronto. Marco and Mike, work on getting rid that stench inside the cab."
"You should have made Chet ride on the back of the engine," Mike muttered.
Both Johnny and Roy couldn't help but wrinkle their noses at the sour-rotten smell that drifted their way as Chet walked briskly by them on his way to the shower. Johnny placed his hand on Roy's arm and nodded towards the kitchen. Roy followed his partner's lead.
"Peeee-yewww, what the heck did Chet get himself into," Johnny said as both men plopped down into a couple of empty chairs at the kitchen table.
"I imagine it has something to do with trash," Roy answered stoically.
Captain Stanley entered the kitchen and approached the two paramedics sitting at the table. He dropped heavily into an empty chair beside Roy without saying a word.
"So Cap, how on earth did a garbage truck manage to tip itself over?" Roy inquired.
"Well, it seems the loading arms on the trash compactor were still raised and caught on the overpass. When we arrived at the scene, the truck was on its side and some of the garbage it was carrying spilled onto the road. The driver seemed more shaken up than hurt. Squad 24 brought him on in to Rampart to be checked out once we got him out of the truck. We mostly washed down the gasoline from the wreck."
"So uh, what happened with Chet?" Johnny couldn't hide the curiosity in his voice.
Captain Stanley drummed his fingers on the table in frustration, "Chet managed slip and land flat on his ass in the midst of all that wet, smelly garbage."
"Probably trying to 'rescue' a piece of vintage barb wire, no doubt," Johnny scoffed.
Johnny leaned over and took a few exaggerated sniffs into Roy's shoulder, "Ahhhh, you smell much better than Chet. You're lucky I'm in a merciful mood today my finely scented friend."
"Really?" Roy replied dryly.
"I'd rather work with sweet-smelling, little old you over 'Trashcan Chet' any day," Johnny said patting Roy on the shoulder as he got up and headed towards the phone. He turned back towards his partner before he picking up the phone, "Besides, I have bigger fish to fry now."
Captain Stanley looked over at Roy before leaning into his other shoulder and inhaled deeply. He smiled and winked knowingly at Roy, "My wife uses that stuff too."
"Hello Joanne, its Johnny. Oh Roy's fine. Listen, are the kids around?" Johnny said into the phone as he pulled out his notepad and pen from his shirt pocket. "Can you ask them if they know the words to that song Oscar the Grouch sings about trash?"
There was a long silence as Johnny quickly wrote in his note pad. Once he stopped writing he spoke into the phone, "Okay, let me read this back to you and see if I got this right. 'Oh, I love trash! Anything dirty or dingy or dust, Anything ragged or rotten or rusty, Yes, I love trash.' Okay Chris, I'm ready for the next verse."
Captain Stanley gave Roy a pleading look, "Am I wrong? Please tell me that you twits aren't deliberately trying to drive me straight to the funny farm?"
Author Notes:
The garbage truck incident was based on one that happened on July 22, 1975 in Mansfield, Ohio. The loading arms of the trash compacter were raised and caught on the overpass which caused the truck to flip over and spill some of its load on the road. The 62-year-old driver of the truck was unhurt.
No copyright infringement intended on any products, jingles or songs used in this story.
My thanks to all those that have read the story, enjoyed it and stuck with it. A special thanks to those who took the time to leave reviews.
Hope everyone had a great Holiday Season and wishing everyone the best in the New Year.