Disclaimer: I own nothing
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing belongs to me.
Author's note: The words in italics are Ollie's thoughts!! And please please vote on the new poll on my profile! I would greatly appreciate it!! It is in regards to the next chapter of the family man!!
Chapter 2
Oliver was currently pacing up and down in his massive marble tiled bathroom. He had barricaded himself in and was trying to come to terms with what was happening. For the first time in his entire life Oliver Jonas Queen was panicking. This was beyond anything he could fix.
Ok breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's it Ollie, keep calm, remember what the yoga master taught you. You have to deal with your problems calmly and rationally. Now let's deal with this like a sane person and list the problems.
1. You are stuck here.
2. You are stuck here and you are married to Chloe Sullivan who is one of your closest friends.
3. You are stuck here and you are married to Chloe Sullivan who is one of your closest friends and you have two kids!
4. You are stuck here and you are married to Chloe Sullivan who is one of your closest friends and you have two kids and they are incredibly irritating. (Plus you have to change diapers)
5. And your last and biggest problem is that YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE!!
Ok breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. No use getting worked up over what is already done. Remember the saying, no use crying over spilled milk? Well no use crying over the milk when you'll probably be mixing milk for that squalling baby so you should be prepared. He let out a loud groan and banged his head against the door.
"Ollie?" came Chloe's voice from the other side of the door "Is everything ok?" she asked followed by three knocks on the door.
"I'm ok" he called back "I'm alright". When the truth was, he wasn't. In fact he was far from alright. "I'm just having a shower" he called and hurried over and turned on the taps.
"Ok" Chloe called back "I'm just going to take Lois down for some breakfast see you downstairs in a bit".
"Yeah ok" he replied.
Looking at the steam building up on the shower doors he reasoned that perhaps a nice hot shower would help soothe his nerves. Stepping into the shower he sighed as the hot water cascaded down his back. Relief coursed through him as he felt his muscles loosen. Sweet, sweet relief. Now he had to find a solution to his problems: He was going to have to pretend that he was the Oliver Queen that they thought he was until whoever brought him here decided to send him back. It would just make things easier. After all if he did tell everyone the truth he'd probably have a lot of explaining to do and he definitely didn't want that. To do that he was going to need the help of a certain five year old: Lois. He could use the baby because everyone loved babies, but that would just be too messy plus it would involve too many diaper changes. He had planned this exactly like he would a mission. Firstly, infiltrate the enemy by planting a spy among them. Secondly, he will learn all their secrets and blend in amongst them and finally he would gain their trust. It was a fool proof plan!
Although looking back he wasn't exactly sure why he even needed a plan. It wasn't as if this was one of Lex's insane plots to rule the world, or destroy it. Or both. But still, at least it gave him something to do while he was here.
After a calming half an hour shower, Oliver emerged from the bathroom toweling his hair. He was about to search the wardrobes for some clothes to wear when he spotted a suit already laid out for him. There was a pair of black pants, a light blue shirt with a black tie already there. He shrugged his shoulders and put on his pants.
Minutes later when he was doing up his tie, his little spy Lois came to call him. "Daddy? Are you dressed yet? Because mommy is wondering what's taking you so long"
"I'm done" Oliver called back as Lois pushed the door open cautiously.
"Would you like to walk down with me?" Oliver asked.
"Ok" she replied brightly and grabbed his hand, clasping his large hand with her tiny one.
"Now Lois, I need you to do daddy a favor" he said and knelt down so they were almost seeing eye to eye.
"Oh-Kay" she said hesitantly. "What is it?"
"I need you to be my"- he looked around to check that no one was within ear shot. Then he dropped his voice to a whisper "spy".
Her eyes immediately grew as wide as saucers. "Ooh are we playing the Justice League spy game?" she asked jumping up and down.
"The what?" he asked looking confused.
"You know the Justice League spy game. The game you invented for Orrie and Harley? You know the one where we have to be spies and be very vizipant" she said secretively.
"I think you mean vigilant" he replied back.
"Yep that's the one" she said. "We have to be spies and we're on a special mission and at the end of the day we report back to you because you're the team leader" she said.
Oliver looked confused for a second then quickly wiped the expression from his face "oh! Right, yes that's absolutely right. Yes, we're playing the Justice League spy game. You're smart you know that?" he asked her.
"Yeah I know" she replied proudly "people tell me that all the time".
"Yes well now you're going to go on an important mission. You will infiltrate enemy and you will learn their secrets while using your cute face and blond pigtails to gain their trust".
"Oh I like where this is going daddy, Orrie and Harley won't play this with me anymore because their too big but sometimes Harley does when I beg her".
"Err ok?" Ollie replied dismissing what she said "now back to your mission" he said and immediately Lois was all ears. "I need you to get me all the dirt on everyone in the family and that includes the staff. You need to help daddy because remember I told you I hit my head? Well I still can't remember a lot of stuff so I need your help".
"Does that include Miss Lena?" Lois asked looking a little worried.
"Miss Lena?" Oliver asked looking bewildered.
"Yeah, I know I need to get the dirt on the staff but does it have to include Miss Lena the cook?" she asked and Oliver laughed.
"Yes it does include Miss Lena, I need to know everything about everyone" Oliver said still chuckling.
Lois looked mildly upset "but Miss Lena is a meany pants, she's always chasing me out of the kitchen with her big spoon".
"Well maybe you can give Miss Lena a little bit of payback if you dig up some dirt on her?" Oliver offered and Lois brightened.
"You are a genius daddy" she exclaimed and bounced around happily.
"So can you do what I asked? Will you be my little spy?"
"Oh yes daddy I will" she replied and clapped her hands together bouncing up and down.
"Good now come on my little spy lets go and have breakfast" he said and she giggled happily. Taking her small hand in his, Oliver led her downstairs to the dining table where he was met with Chloe who was feeding Carl using a milk bottle.
"Lois honey, would you be a dear and get my cell phone for me?" Chloe asked and Lois nodded, bounding along happily to do as her mother asked.
"So what's your plan for today?" Chloe asked Oliver and he froze mid- taking a piece of toast.
He decided to play it cool. What exactly did he have to do? Was he still CEO of Queen industries? "I'm not sure. I have too many things that I'm not really sure which one to choose". Maybe she'll tell me what I have to do he thought to himself.
"Hmmm why don't you check your iphone? You might have something really important that you need to attend to first" she suggested and Oliver nearly smacked his head in realization. Of course! I usually listed what he had to do in my iphone so why should the future be any different?
He searched his pockets and found his iphone. Scrolling down he realized that he had to go to work today to settle a partnership with Wayne Industries. Thank god for modern technology he thought to himself. Followed by an intense martial arts session with Bruce and then it was 'Family time'. Well that was what was written into his iphone. Everything was jotted down for him, exactly what time and where he needed to be. Maybe things wouldn't be too hard after all. A loud wailing broke through his thoughts and he glared at the source of the noise.
"There, there. It's ok" Chloe soothed bouncing Carl on her hip but it was no use. No matter how hard she tried Carl didn't seem to stop his crying. She sighed and then Lois piped up from the other side of the table.
"Mommy why don't you sing the teddy bear picnic song? You know he always stops crying when you sing that song".
"Oh yes, that would work thanks Lois!" Chloe replied.
"If you go out in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise. If you go out in the woods today, you'd better go in disguise. For every bear that ever there was would gather there for certain because today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic". Oliver watched in awe as she pranced around doing various actions to the song. It was hilarious to watch yet at the same time oddly soothing and the strange thing was that even the baby had ceased his horrific wailing and was gurgling happily at his mother's antics.
"Yay" Lois clapped happily. "Mommy that was great!" she exclaimed.
"Thanks baby" Chloe said letting out a puff of breath as she flopped back into her chair. She grinned at Oliver and took a piece of toast from the plate before her.
"That was great"- That was great Chloe, was what he was about to say but there was bound to be some kind of sick lovey dovey name that he referred to Chloe as wasn't there? Especially now that they were married with two kids. "That was really great honey" he said deciding to use the word honey. She reminded him of honey anyway, with her sweet loving nature.
It was probably the right thing to say because she positively beamed at him and Lois let out a great big "Awww daddy". Oliver had never really blushed before, not in his entire life. Not even back when he was at Excelsior and Bruce had tackled him so hard during an inter house rugby game and exposed the entire stadium to his little Oliver. And yet now, he was blushing like an idiot. He hastily picked up the news paper and tried to hide his face. This was incredibly embarrassing even by his standards. Oh. Dear. God. If you love me than please smite me where I sit he thought to himself. Maybe if I spread the paper out a little more, I can hide my face from Chloe and the brat kids.
"Daddy are you blushing?" Lois asked as she crawled under the table and pushed the news paper down to expose half of his face.
"No I'm not" he replied back hotly.
"Don't lie to me daddy!" she chided "I'm an extremely smart five year old and I know things, just like I know that you're blushing" she replied smugly while Chloe suppressed a giggle.
"I'm NOT blushing" he said.
"Yes you are" she shot back "I know you are because you're face is as red as Uncle Bart's running suit". This time Chloe didn't bother to suppress her laughter. Oliver shot her a dirty look and she shrugged her shoulders innocently.
"The kid's got a point" she replied and Oliver let out a frustrated sigh.
"I've got to go to work" he said and stood up suddenly.
"Oh ok but don't forget that tonight is pizza night so the boys will be over and don't forget to pick up the pizzas from Ricky's Pizzeria. 6 Hawaiian, 4 pepperoni, 5 meat lovers, 7 Supremes and 4 veggie lovers" she said and Oliver nearly collapsed onto the chair that he was sitting on before.
"What? Why so many?" he asked looking aghast.
"Well you know how the boys are. Plus it's not like they're coming alone" Chloe replied. "You always seem to forget how much they eat" she said chuckling. "Now shouldn't you be off to work?" she asked walking over with Carl in her arms to give her husband a kiss on the cheek. "Say bye to daddy" she cooed to Carl using a slender hand to wave one of her son's chubby ones.
"Uh- bye kid" Oliver said waving awkwardly to Carl and before he could take another step forward Lois had zoomed out of her chair and attached herself to his legs.
"Daddy don't leave me" she half wailed and Oliver looked down at her, not quite sure what to do next.
"Come on Lois, you need to let go of me I need to go to work" he said trying to pry her hands off his legs. It was getting rather annoying plus she was getting crumbs all over his Armani suit.
"No you can't leave me! I don't want to be alone with Miss Lena" she said looking at him with sad green eyes.
"Look kid"- he started but when he saw Chloe looking at him he corrected himself "I mean Lois darling, daddy needs to go to work but I promise if you let go of me and be a good girl for Miss Lena I'll get you something special tonight".
"Ooh! What is it daddy?" she asked immediately letting go of his legs.
"It's a surprise" he said and her eyes grew large.
"Ok I'll be a good girl I promise" she said "cross my heart, hope to die, stick a finger in your pie". She crossed her heart with a tiny index finger and Oliver couldn't help but chuckle.
"I think you mean stick a finger in my eye, kiddo" he said.
"Yep that's the one" she said.
"And don't forget the mission" Oliver whispered and her expression suddenly grew serious.
"Oh I won't" she replied and flounced back to the table with her mother smiling after her. She definitely takes after Chloe Oliver mused to himself.
As he walked towards his dark metallic green land rover he mulled over what had happened back at the house. Kids he thought to himself. Sometimes you don't know what to do with them. You can't decide if you want to laugh your butt off at them or if you want to strangle them. Or do both at the same time.
Oliver staggered under the mountainous pile of pizzas. For the hundredth time that day he wondered why on earth he'd have to get that many pizzas. He'd finished his board meeting with Bruce over an hour ago, cancelled his work out session and after coming to terms with the fact that Bruce had apparently aged better than he had, he'd stopped over at Ricky's to pick up the pizzas. He was actually flat out tired and all he wanted to do at the moment was to go home and crash onto his bed, regardless of the fact that it was only four thirty in the afternoon.
After opening the door with great difficulty he placed the pizzas down on the dining table and decided that before he took a nap, some target practice would help to relieve his stress. He made his way slowly up the stairs to the master bed room. In a way it was a relief that not everything in this 'world' or 'life' of his was new. He was thankful that at least he was familiar with the house that they were living in. It was the Queen Summer mansion and when his parents were alive, Oliver spent every summer here with them. He grew up in the large never ending gardens, always playing Robin Hood with Bruce among the oak and maple trees and splashing around in the stone water fountain even though the swimming pool was only ten paces away. The mansion had always felt like home to him, it was a place where he remembered his parents and the great memories that he shared with them. He was glad to know that it played a big part in his future as well.
"I'm home" he called out and grinned to himself. He'd always wanted to say that. There was a pattering of feet somewhere ahead of him.
"Daddy!" Lois cried.
He heard the loud squeal before he saw her. She came down the stars in a blond blur and nearly knocked him backwards. She hugged him tightly around the waist and looked up at him.
"I missed you daddy" she said and buried her head in his toned stomach.
"Err…yes I missed you too" he replied back patting her on the head awkwardly although the truth was, he hadn't missed her. In fact he had forgotten for the entire afternoon that she'd even existed. I'm lying to a five year old. I am definitely going to hell for this he thought to himself.
"Daddy" Lois whispered looking at him. "I did what you asked" she replied and for a second Oliver looked confused.
"Eh?" he asked then remembering the 'important' task he'd given the five year old, he became attentive. "So, what do you have for me?" he asked her.
"Wait, first you have to give me my surprise" she said. Oh crap. He had forgotten all about her surprise.
"Err… here you go" he said digging his pockets and coming up with a strawberry flavored lollypop.
"Ooh a lollypop!" she exclaimed with childish delight and Oliver immediately felt guilty. He promised himself that next time he was going to give her a surprise, and he'd make it a big one.
"So now are you going to tell me what you've got?" he asked and she nodded.
She took his hand and led him to her bedroom. It was painted a pale pink with faeries and princesses. All in all it looked like a typically girly room save for the miniature punching bag that hung in the corner.
"Sit down daddy, you're not going to like what I have to say" she said and he looked at her strangely.
"Ok" he replied slowly.
"So let me start off with telling you what I did today" she said and passed him a pillow. Oliver took a moment to register that it was a bright shade of pink and it had a border of frills and lace and it had a huge picture of a princess printed in the middle.
"Ok" he repeated.
"Now this morning after eating my coco pops, I decided to go into the theatre room to watch Sesame Street. Then I remembered that you gave me something to do so I decided to do that first" she said pacing up and down the room, gesturing expressively with her hands. Oliver nodded his head motioning for her to carry on with her story.
"So then I decided to sneak into mommy's office where I knew for sure that she kept a file of stuff on all the staff working in the mansion" she said and Oliver nodded his head.
"Ok, so?" he asked.
She looked at him pointedly "so I stole it! Duh!"
Oliver chuckled but then stopped when he noticed her staring at him seriously. "You're being serious? You actually stole it?" he asked incredulously and his eyes widened as she nodded.
"Here it is" she said and handed him a thick cream colored folder she'd taken from her desk. It was bulging with papers and photographs and it had the word STAFF written on it in bold, black letters.
"Oh hell, this is actually it?" he asked looking dumbstruck.
"Yes" she replied back stiffly "and I told you already, don't use the word hell. It's not a very nice word".
"Sorry, sorry, I forgot" he said sheepishly flipping through the file. She made a barely audible noise of disapproval.
"This is great" he exclaimed to himself.
"I know" she replied proudly. "And you'll be glad to know that that's not all the information I got".
"You mean you got more?" he asked.
"Yeah" she replied "and it's all about Orrie and Harley".
"Ok what about them?" he asked wondering why Lois would take special interest in digging up dirt on two members of the staff.
"Well I thought you might be interested to know that Orion broke up with his girlfriend Michelle who Harley calls the whore of Barbielon, and now he's going out with another girl called Stacy".
"I think you mean a whore of Babylon" Oliver corrected and almost smacked himself on the head. A five year old didn't need to know such things.
"Yep that's the one. What does that mean?" she asked and Oliver nearly fell off the bed.
"I-I-uh I-it- why don't you ask your mother to explain it. I'm sure she'd explain it better than me" he finally replied and she shrugged her shoulders.
"Harley also told Orrie that he is making a big mistake again because Stacy is the village bicycle" she said innocently and this time Oliver really did fall off the bed.
"What?" he exclaimed.
"Yes daddy, that's exactly what I said because I thought that Star City was a city and not a village but Harley, told me that it didn't matter because Stacy is a bicycle and lets everyone take a ride on her".
"Uh?" Oliver offered feebly.
"So does it mean Stacy is like a horse too? Because horses let everyone ride them too" Lois put in brightly and for the first time in his life, Oliver was speechless to the point of embarrassment.
"Anyway it doesn't matter, can we get back to discussing the matter at hand here?" he asked "and by the way I am going to have to fire this Orrie and Harley. How can they use such appalling language and references in front of you? They'll be fired first thing tomorrow".
Lois looked horrified "you can't fire Orrie and Harley".
"And why ever not?" Oliver asked sternly.
"Because daddy, you can't fire your own children" she replied looking at him like he was stupid. His mouth dropped open.
"My what?" he asked his voice hoarse.
"Your children" Lois replied.
"Oh. Dear. God" Oliver exclaimed and the first thing he thought was damn my sperm. Now there are more brats to put up with.
"And you love them too much to fire them anyway so stop being silly daddy" Lois berated.
"Oh my god, I have more kids?" he asked. Mostly to himself. "Harley and Orrie?" he questioned Lois trying to come to terms with this new piece of information.
"Yes daddy" she said irritably. "Did you forget that you had them?" she asked and when he didn't answer she took it as a yes. "I'll help you daddy" she said and put a small palm on Oliver's shoulder. "Don't be sad daddy, its ok. I'm here to help now".
"Thanks" Oliver replied sounding like a parched desert traveler.
"See Orrie and Harley are actually Orion and Harlan but only I call them Orrie and Harley. They're twins but Orrie is older by ten minutes, mommy said he was always the impatient one. They're both seventeen but they'll be eighteen in a month's time" she said and Oliver looked like someone had punched him.
"Eighteen?" he asked gulping. It was bad enough that he had a wailing pooping baby and a genius five year old that never stopped talking but now he had two hormones riddled rebellious teens as well?
"Yeah they're eighteen but they don't act like it" Lois replied darkly. "Orrie is the naughty one and Harley is the one that always does the right thing but they're both very close. Come on I'll show you their room" she said pulling Oliver along with her.
Oliver followed Lois until they came to two doors that were a little distance apart, plastered with posters and other teen gimmicks. They went through the door, only to enter into a very large and very strange looking room. It was unlike any room that Oliver had ever laid his eyes on. It was a humongous room, divided into two. It had an en suite bathroom on each side of the room and each half had a door. Basically, Oliver guessed that the one giant room had once been two rooms that were side by side, it was still the same except the wall that divided the two rooms had been removed.
"Why are they sharing a room?" he asked Lois looking puzzled.
"Well like I said daddy, Harley and Orrie are really close. Sure they fight a lot but they're practically joined at the hip. Well you and Mommy tried giving them separate rooms when they were fifteen but it didn't work. According to the twins, it was weird not having to share the room with each other. That's how close they are".
"What? That's absurd" Oliver announced and Lois glared at him.
"No it's not. They'd do anything for each other. Orrie once said that he'd even die for Harley and she'd do the same for him. The way I see it daddy, the two of them are one soul and mind split into two bodies and you realized it too. That's why you asked Uncle Clark to run straight into the wall. It saved you the trouble of getting the builders in to get rid of the wall, according to Uncle Victor".
"This is crazy. My kids are all nuts"- Oliver was cut off with a loud revving of a race bike. "What on earth is that?" he asked and Lois brightened.
"That, would be the twins" she replied.
Author's note: Well thanks for reading this chapter and I hope you review. The more reviews I get the faster I update!! Sorry this chapter seemed rush. I was kind of busy so I think I rushed through. If anyone has any suggestions on how to improve this chapter please let me know!! I can use any help I can get. And for those who leave anonymous reviews, if you'd like me to reply to them please leave your e-mail address. I reply personally to every single one of my reviewers! Thanks and take care everyone!
Huggies!!