A/N - Sorry it's been a while since posting. Seriously, between this, working full time, Blood Red(My Bones fic) and family caring issues, I have no time!
I swear will post as soon as I can!!
Addison woke to the sound of her alarm clock at 6am. She hit the snooze button, and settled back into sleep, until memories of last night came flooding back, like a bat to her stomach.
She rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. What have I done?
Addison threw the covers back and rushed down to the spare bedroom to see if Derek had come home. She stood tentatively in front of closed door for a few seconds, trying to gather her thoughts, listening for any sounds coming from behind the door. She took a deep breath and cautiously opened the door.
She stared at an untouched bed. Both dread and relief washed over her at the same time.
Slowly she walked over to the bed and sat on the edge, her head dropping to her hands.
She breathed in, hoping for the habitual smell of coffee, to assault her nose. Or for the regular sounds of their mornings, like breakfast dishes being put into the sink, the crinkling of the newspaper being shaken out, the coffee machine, the radio or morning news on the tv. Any sort of normalcy.
She crept down the stairs and walked towards the empty kitchen. The vodka glass she left on the bench last night, the only thing out of place, was taunting her. Reminding her that while everything looked the same, nothing was.
A wave of despair washed over her as she glanced around the empty house.
He hadn't come home again, which means he has probably stayed at work. Do I stay at home, or go to work? She mused.
Making up her mind, she marched upstairs and started the shower running.
Walking through the halls of the hospital, she felt everyone watching her, whispering. Which she knew was ridiculous, no one would know. Derek wouldn't have said anything to anyone, the only person he would've said something to, was the person he found me in bed with. There was no way Mark would be stupid enough to say anything.
But somehow the paranoia was still gnawing at her. She could hear the whispers already. "The great Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd has fallen from grace."
She held her head up and walked straight to her office, picked up her first case for the day and hoped her work would bring her some consistency. Some solace from the paranoia.
Walking up to the nurses station, she smiled brightly at her new intern, "Good morning Palmer, how's Catherine and her baby doing this morning?" Belinda Palmer was a good intern. Very organised, smart, observant and attentive.
"Everything's normal. No problems last night. Seems like everything has stabilised, so we should be ok to operate on the baby today, Dr Montgomery Shepherd." She said enthusiastically.
"Ok, great. I'll go have a look at her and we'll go from there." Addison said, while craning her neck to see if Derek was anywhere in sight.
"Is everything ok, Dr Montgomery Shepherd?" Palmer said, a frown creasing her forehead. "Are you looking for anyone in particular?"
Addison snapped her gaze back to her intern. "Uh, no. Well no, not really." Then, "Have you seen Dr Shepherd at all this morning?"
"Um... Yes, I saw him this morning in the cafeteria. Why? Do we need him for this case?" The frown deepening.
"No, no. It's just I didn't see him this morning, that's all." She threw out.
Heading to the cafeteria, Addison hoped she would catch a glimpse of her husband along the way.
Instead she literally ran into Sloan, while looking at a case file instead of looking at where she was walking.
An arm reached out to steady her. "Sor..." She halted.
"Addison," Mark started, as he reached out to and stroked his thumb across her cheek.
"We..." Her heart stopped for a split second, with the contact. The tenderness in the touch took everything she had in her not to melt into the feeling. "We... Can't... Can't talk now. Not here Mark. If Derek, or anyone saw us even talking... I need to find him." She took a step back to separate them.
"What happened after I left? I saw him this morning, but he just walked away when I tried to talk to him." He was looking down at his shoes, like a little kid who knew he'd done something wrong, but didn't quite comprehend it.
"Did you really expect him to? He found you in bed with me." She added on a hushed tone. "I don't think he can just put that down to me being one of your conquests, then going on as if nothing happened."
Mark caught her wrist as she turned to walk away. "You were not just a conquest, you know that Addison." He was softly running his thumb along the inside of her wrist.
She yanked it away as if he'd suddenly burned her. "If Derek sees us together... I have to find him and try to salvage what's left of our marriage. We'll talk later." She turned and walked away without a glace back.
Mark was left wondering why he felt like he'd just been punched in the stomach, when he wasn't exactly the only bad guy in this scenario.
He wasn't the one who had left his wife at home wondering if he was having an affair with someone else. Wondering if she was the one that had made all the mistakes in their marriage, whether she had gotten fat and ugly. Whether she wasn't good enough for him
anymore. He wasn't the one who had had barely said 2 words to her in the last however many months it was.
He watched her walk off, chasing after his best friend, as he had done for the past 15 years. Knowing that he only had himself to blame, didn't ease the pain any less.
Addison marched towards the Neuro wing of the hospital 3 hours later, in search for her husband, again.
"Campion, have you see Dr Shepherd?" She asked one of the interns.
She looked up from her chart, "Yes, he was here Dr Montgomery Shepherd. I saw him about half an hour ago. He told me that he didn't need an intern today, he cancelled all operations. He said he was taking the rest of the day off. Looks like you've just missed him." Kristie Campion watched uneasily, as the surgeons face started to crease worriedly. "You weren't aware he was taking the rest of the day off?" She slowly asked.
Addison quickly covered her face with an unreadable expression and smiled tightly. "Of course, I've just been so busy today, it must have slipped my mind." She turned and started walking away. She spun suddenly and called "Thanks" to Campion, before heading to the Chief's office.
Cursing traffic on the way home, she turned up the radio to turn down her thoughts.
Humming along absently, she stopped and realised that she wasn't even humming the song that was playing.
Addison thoughts were along the lines of turning down her street to find a removalists van with all her things in it. Or to find everything just tossed on the street.
She rolled to a stop outside the brownstone, semi-surprised to find that everything looked... well... quiet. Common.
Turning the keys in the ignition, she stepped out of the car and walked up the stairs toward the front door.
Opening the door, she teetered on the threshold, then took a definitive step into their home.
I can do this. He's my husband. We can still fix this...
Heading upstairs she heard Derek in their bedroom. His back was to her. He was putting toiletries in a bathroom bag.
She stood in the doorway and watched him for a second, as she realised he hadn't heard her come in. She had seen him do this so many times before. But she couldn't help but thinking Surely this won't be the last time we see each other like this.
Derek suddenly turned around and saw her standing there. She watched his jaw clench, and he threw the bathroom bag into a duffel bag.
"Honey, please. Can we talk about this?" Addison pleaded. She knew she sounded desperate. There was a hitch to her voice.
Derek looked up at her. Then looked away, shaking his head slowly. "Don't call me that. Ever again. I can't look at you, still. I'm done Addison. I can't do this. I put up with the silence, the crappy marriage we both somehow made for ourselves, but now? I can't find the energy in me to even try."
He looked up to see silent tears running down her face.
She slowly walked towards him, testing to see how close she could get to him, all the while whispering "Please" over and over.
Standing in front of him she found her voice, "Please Derek. Please let me try and make it up to you. You have no idea how sorry I am. If I could go back, I would." She hiccupped as a sob caught in her throat. "Please." She whispered, as she put her arms around him and buried her head in his shoulder. "I love you. It's always you."
She whimpered, as she felt him disentangle himself from her, and step out of her reach.
"The problem is, Addie, I loved you too. But people who love each other, don't do what you've done." He turned to the bathroom again, and leaned against the vanity.
"You're saying you've had nothing to do with us being here? You've done everything perfectly? You think I would have actually done anything with Mark, if we were happy still? It's all me?" She threw out, tears dried up and defensiveness kicking in.
"I know I haven't done everything perfectly, but hey, I'm not the one that is an adulterous bitch here." He spat at her.
Her tear ducts betrayed her, as tears spilled over her eyelids and down her cheeks, at his remark. "It's not what you've done that wasn't perfect, it's the fact that you were never here, and didn't seem to want to make any effort to rectify that. I was left here wondering what I had or hadn't done. If you'd..." She started to hiccup... "found someone else. Why you wanted to spend the night in the on call room, rather than next to me. I don't understand Derek. Please, can we try and work through this? We can. I know we can. I've given you my whole heart, which I'm obviously willing to lose." She pleaded.
"I can't make that effort anymore." He said shaking his head down at the duffel bag.
"I'm willing to do what it takes. I'm not perfect, but I love you." She whispered on a sob.
"Addie, I'm done. I can't look at you, without seeing your legs wrapped around Mark. Imagining his lips all over your body. I've got a new job, I start before the end of the week." He threw the bag over his shoulder and headed out their bedroom door, towards the front door.
She ran out after him, grabbing his arm. She placed herself between him and the door and kissed him, softly at first. She felt him stiffen against her touch, then start to respond before pushing her out of the way.
He cursed himself for letting his body respond before pushing her away. "Don't Addison. There is no more us. No more Derek and Addison. There never will be again." He said desolately, walking out their front door.
Addison crumpled against the wall in the hallway, as the front door closed behind Derek and her life as she knew it.