Chapter 2 – Lights, Camera, Action
It was late morning when the familiar groaning noise echoed throughout Clara's flat. The brunette was in the middle of brushing her hair and she barely paused as the time ship materialised in her front room. She heard Jenny dash out of the spare bedroom, the pounding of her footsteps made her sound like a small elephant, "Great, Mrs Johnson downstairs is going to love me for this", Clara groaned, placing the brush on her bedside table. Her head was still full of her conversation with Danny earlier in the morning. She desperately wanted to say he was wrong but a small, nagging voice in the back of her head kept coming up with counter arguments. How long could she keep travelling with the Time Lady? At some point she would have to fully get on with her life. She couldn't imagine running away from danger when she was in her forties or fifties.
Taking a deep breath and fixing her best smile on her face, she left her bedroom and made the short journey to the front room. Standing proudly in the corner was the familiar blue box, gently humming away and waiting for its next adventure. Clara paused as she noticed The Doctor fussing over her daughter, like any good mother who hadn't seen their child in several weeks would. Jenny verbally protested but you could tell by the light in her eyes that she was pleased to see The Doctor. Clara too had to smile, this looked like any normal reunion between a mother and daughter. Apart from the visible lack of age difference between the pair of course.
A small amount of jealously reared up inside Clara. Her mother had died several years ago and she would never get to have a reunion like this. It only added to her doubts about her future onboard the TARDIS, could she really be a third wheel between this small family? Almost at that moment both Time Lady's looked in her direction. Clara froze, wondering if they had picked up on her thoughts. If they had neither of them showed any sign, "Clara", The Doctor grinned broadly, "we really mustn't go so long between visits".
The dark haired woman crossed the floor in two big strides and wrapped her arms firmly around the school teacher, almost spinning her around on the spot, "I've got the best place to show you two", the older Time Lady continued and practically dropped Clara onto the floor, "no time for idle chatter, lets get on with it".
Clara rubbed her sore ribs and watched the alien women disappear into the TARDIS, "Hello Doctor, how are you?" she grumbled under her breath, "I'm doing well, thanks for asking", the sarcasm was dripping from her voice.
The Doctor's head suddenly appeared at the TARDIS door, "Come on Clara, Columbia isn't getting any younger". She glanced at her companion and nodded her head approvingly, "Like the blouse, really brings out the colour of your eyes".
Almost as quick as her head appeared it disappeared again, leaving a shell-shocked Clara behind, "She said something nice, I'll take that for now", she sighed and slowly drudged into the TARDIS. The second the door had closed the ship took off in flight, causing Clara to stumble. Once the ship was flying steadily, she walked quickly up the metal gangway, "The repairs to Coal Hill are going well", she stated, "Mr Chesterton donated some of his lottery winning to the effort, don't suppose you know anything about that". The Doctor glanced her way, somehow looking guilty and unapologetic at the same time, "Probably fair since you blew up half the buildings".
"I did not blow up your school", the older Time Lady said defensively, "it got sucked through an unstable interdimensional portal, no explosives were involved".
"Hmm", Clara caught Jenny giggling behind her mother back but the school teacher chose to ignore it. Approaching the console, she checked the readings and noticed they were heading into the future, "So Colombia then", she continued, "never thought about going before, does it have lots of ancient ruins like Peru?"
The Doctor frowned in confusion before she realised what Clara said, "No not that Colombia, far too boring", she twisted a couple of knobs on the control panel and dramatically flicked a switch, "I'm talking about Columbia". She let out a sigh of satisfaction as the TARDIS began to land, "I've always want to visit but something's always got in the way. Closest I got was during Eight's time, this was right up his street", her smile fell slightly, "I was on my way when the Time War finally caught up with me". Shaking her head to clear the morbid thoughts, the smile quickly returned, "But now I'm finally here and I'm sharing this moment with my favourite girls".
The time ship landed and The Doctor practically skipped towards the door. Clara and Jenny stood rooted to the spot and stared at the giddy Time Lady, "Has she been at the Red Bull again?" Clara asked, "last time that happened I had to sedate her".
"I'm not sure", Jenny replied cautiously, "I like seeing Mum happy but this is creeping me out a little". She quickly checked the pocket of her leather jacket to make sure her sonic device was firmly in place. She had made a few modifications to her old sonic pen and now it looked very similar to The Doctor's own screwdriver, only a little thinner. A pulsing violet light came out the tip, satisfying Jenny that it was working, "Can't be too safe", she said, "better go see what all the fuss is about".
Clara nodded in agreement and the pair strolled out of the TARDIS. After the build up from The Doctor, they were a little disappointed to see they were in a small alley between two giant warehouses. Lining the alley was a number of bins, broken up wooden pallets and discarded scraps of plastic, "Wow, we're living the dream here", Clara sighed, drawing a small laugh from Jenny, "if this is the one place The Doctor always wanted to visit, I could've shown her the Shoreditch Industrial Estate".
"There you two are", The Doctor called from the end of the alley, "come on, you're going to miss her".
"I can hardly contain myself", Jenny deadpanned and she lead Clara down the other end of the alley. When they emerged into the light, they were stunned by the view in front of them. Directly in front of them was a large hill with a perfect replica of the 'Hollywood' sign from Earth but in addition was the word 'Columbia'. The warehouses were actually movie sound stages and stretching out into the distance was a number of smaller outdoor sets, ranging from a beach side scene all the way to vintage railway station. Underneath their feet was a red tiled pavement which lined an arrow straight road. "My mate Bill Shakespeare once said that all the world's a stage", The Doctor opened her arms and slowly rotated on the spot, "well here they take that phrase literally".
"This is incredible", Jenny gasped, "I've never seen anything like this in my life". Above the warehouses were neon signs with the current film being shot in that location. Direction opposite was a large banner which read 'Road to Redemption' together with the faces of its two stars. The male lead was a man by the name of Vicenzo Pertellini, immediately identified by his olive coloured skin and slicked back dark hair. His female co-star had pale skin and brown hair that was cut in a choppy fashion around her ears, "Abigail Sparks", Jenny read, "I've seen one of her films".
The Doctor groaned, "Yes I do recall. Disembowelling Debbie, you made me watch that a few weeks ago", she shook her head, "a delightful tale about a psychopath who stalks a local school and kills people by slicing them open and strangling them with their small intestine". She looked up to the sky, "I'm sorry Bill, had you known where human entertainment would end up, you probably wouldn't have bothered".
Feeling a little left out by the conversation, Clara meekly raised her hand, "Sorry, human here", she began, "little clarification on exactly where we are".
"Right, yes, sorry I got caught up in the excitement", The Doctor clapped her hands together. "Welcome to the planet Columbia in the thirty sixth century. By now humans have colonised a fair chunk of the galaxy but when they left Earth, most forms of entertainment were left behind". She rocked on the balls of her feet before adding, "They saved the classics of course, Shakespeare, Agatha Christie and the like but there was a real appetite for classic human cinema of the twentieth and twenty first century. In response this planet became the film capital of the human race".
Understanding her surroundings a little more, Clara could fully appreciate the planet a little more. She recognised several different film styles just on this small section of the street alone. Road to Redemption looked like a film from the 1940's or 50's, similar in look to Casablanca. Behind her they were filming something akin to a superhero movie. A little further down the street she recognised the poster for a romantic comedy when she saw one, "Huh, this is one way to avoid horrible remakes I suppose", Clara stated.
"Oh that still happens", The Doctor pointed to a poster for a film called 'Jaws 4', which claimed to be a sequel to the millennial reboot of the franchise, "I preferred the 2029 version of the film, David Beckham is a surprisingly good actor".
Before Clara could question the Time Lady on this point, the sound of several motorbikes came roaring down the street. The school teacher gasped, "Is that the robot paparazzi?" she asked.
The motorbike had a vaguely humanoid welded directly to their frame, only in place of a head was a fully rotating camera. There were at least ten of these motorized centaurs practically surrounding a white limousine. The limo stopped almost in front of the trio and the unprepared bikes following crashed straight into the back of the stationery vehicle. Mechanical parts went everywhere and the glass domed camera rolled across the ground, stopping just in front of the door of the limo.
Seconds later the door opened and the glass was crushed by a silver coloured high heeled shoe. The owner of the footwear stepped out of the limo, making sure that her impossibly tight dress didn't show off any more than necessary. The trio were immediately struck by the beauty of this woman, baby blue eyes, perfect cheek bones, full lips and a silky head of blonde hair that fluttered gently in the breeze, "Who is that?" Jenny gasped, her jaw hanging loose.
The Doctor rolled her eyes and forcefully closed her daughters mouth, "That is Caroline Caruthers", she answered, "possibly the biggest and most versatile star on Columbia right now".
Caroline pulled a pair of sunglasses off the top of her head and placed them over her eyes, "Poor turn out today", she stated in a snotty tone. A couple of assistants who had also left the limo nodded almost fanatically, "Tell my agent to leak my public appearances a little earlier next time". She practically turned her nose up at The Doctor, Jenny and Clara before walking towards one of the warehouses.
"Wow", Clara snorted, "what a bitch".
"She's been famous almost since she could walk", The Doctor replied, ignoring the harsh description of the blonde, "there's a rumour that she was engineered to be the perfect movie star".
"Like genetic engineering", Jenny raised an eyebrow, "I thought that was still illegal at this point in human history".
The older Time Lady nodded, "It is which is why her legal team quash those rumours as quickly as they can". The Doctor looked at the retreating blonde with a look that could almost be described as pity, "A person with hundreds of millions of followers across her various social media accounts but very rarely seen with an actual person for company, it must be a lonely life".
"Doesn't mean she can act like that to everyone though", Clara shook her head.
"Trust me, that was almost friendly", a male voice called out from behind them. Slowly walking towards them were a man and woman, both of whom were a little on the large side. The woman had a full head of dark hair that was so frizzy that it almost had a life of its own. The man kept his hair short at the sides but the top of his head was full of light brown curls, "She had a cameo in one of our films and Betty here nearly throttled her", he added.
"Oh my", The Doctor gasped, "you're Charlie Lau and Betty Butterfield", she vigorously shook both of their hands, "I loved The Bridesmaids of Atacalma Major, I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard".
The woman blushed slightly from the praise, "It's always nice to meet fans of our work", Betty replied, looking a little uncomfortable at the actions of the Time Lady.
Jenny and Clara gently cleared their throats, snapping The Doctor's fan-girling moment, "Sorry where are my manners, Jenny, Clara meet Charlie Lau and Betty Butterfield, the most famous comedy double act on Columbia". The two movie stars waived in acknowledgement, "I'm the Doctor by the way, capital D".
"Hello Doctor", Charlie frowned, "interesting name". He quickly turned his attention away from the woman and onto Jenny and Clara, "So are you two fans as well?"
"Honestly", Jenny replied, "I prefer Abby Sparkes, horror movies are my preferred genre", she quickly shook her hands, fearing that she had offended the two famous stars in front of her, "not that I don't like your movies-".
"But they're not your thing", Betty nodded sagely, "you're not alone, slapstick comedy isn't for everyone". She looked over Jenny's shoulder at the warehouse over the street, "Abby issued a press release a few weeks ago, says she wants to be own professionally as Abigail Sparkes now".
Charlie nodded in agreement, "She wanted to distance herself from the teen horror movie genre and her reputation as a Scream Queen". The blonde pointed at the building, "We're just heading over there now, maybe I can introduce you?"
"Seriously", Jenny squealed before regaining her composure, "I mean, that would great".
The movie star duo ushered them across the street but not before Clara hissed, "Can you tone down your excitement a notch before they have you kicked out for causing a scene", she warned the alien women.
"Clara, we're Time Lady's", The Doctor reminded her, "we do not get excited over trivial things like famous movie stars". She grabbed over of her daughter's arm and they skipped across the road like a pair of giddy schoolgirls. Clara sighed, once again she was going to have to be the voice of sanity.
A/N - Not sure where this idea came from but I thought it would be entertaining. The primary characters are either homages or parodies to modern day movie stars. So imagining that the BBC suddenly had an unlimited budget, I would cast the following: Seth Rogan as Charlie, Melissa McCarthy as Betty, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Abby, Antonio Banderas as Vicenzo and Margot Robbie as Caroline.