HOVA
The Gallery of the Lost
I threw down the lanyard and key the minute I realized that it was the cause for attention. It hit the ground with a resounding chime yet nobody gave it their attention, nobody even glanced… all eyes were on me.
"Take it, somebody!" I ordered, my voice a shrill cry of panic. Some people glanced down in pity for me and others made crosses over their chests for themselves. "TAKE IT!" I barked, gripping my hands instinctually and feeling trapped in a nightmare, "Please, I don't want it!" My chest pumped hard, trying to produce enough oxygen for my dizzy head. Nobody looked, nobody would meet my eyes or even pretend to.
"Lovino." Julia finally said in a scolding tone. "You accepted the responsibility and you are the only one who can hold it-"
"I NEVER AGREED TO THIS! Not now! This is different!" I squealed. Cold sweat beaded against the back of my neck. My muscles ached with fear.
She picked up the key and held it out to me, trying to control her own outburst. "Some one's got to do it." Half of us wanted to cry out and sob in disbelief and half of us wanted to smash our bare fists through something that bare fists cannot smash though. I could tell from the way she flared her nostrils and bit the inside of her cheek that she was experiencing the latter. Still, against my own advice, I continued to snarl and bark at the agitated woman.
"I won't! I can't bear that, Dammit!"
"Lovino!"
"Don't make me, please! I can't! Really! I can't!"
"This is hard on all of us!"
"You take it! You're the leader! You always want to be in charge, don't you!? Well, HERE, TAKE IT!" I shoved her outstretched hand back against her chest.
"Stop this, Lovino! No one's going to take the key! This is your job!" With her face red, she thrust the key out to me and gave me a look that dared me to defy her.
"I can't!" I screamed and knocked the key out of her hand, the hand that immediately rose to strike my cheek. Hot pain stung across my face, I cupped the cheek and sent a threatening glare at the woman who returned it viciously.
"The world does not revolve around you, Lovino! We're all stuck here! We're all dying! I'm sorry if this predicament is not to your liking but you better learn to pull up your panties and sacrifice yourself for a change!" She took a few rough breaths to calm down then turned to the rest of the staff, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've got some work to do. We're going to cover the food, turn off the grills and gather up in the courtyard."
She turned to me, stern and confident, "Meet us out there when you're ready."
They all left and closed the pantry door, allowing me the privacy to pitifully fall to my knees and train my eyes on the silver trinket latched around a pink lanyard. I wanted to throw it out into the dark, endless pit where I would never have to see it again.
The scrap of metal was not simply a scrap of metal, it wasn't even just a freezer key. It was the key that owned the lives of one thousand-four hundred and twelve people. That key accessed the main storage of the ship's food supply, which meant that it also accessed the food that would have to feed a thousand panicked, stranded, hungry people. That was the only food we had to last us for… god knows how long. I owned the most important item on the whole ship apart from air. Everyone wanted that food and I was burdened with securing it. Eventually, I did manage to string up my weak legs like a puppet and carry myself out to meet up with the others, feeling lifeless but compliant.
The courtyard was crowded by worried-looking hordes of people dressed in every color of cheezy uniform. Each business crowded all of its employees into a cafeteria-style table then the managers would take a headcount. It was surreal, almost. Everyone was so quite, even little Nora was silent as a lamb. I couldn't find Antonio, I tried to peek around the masses but had no luck.
"I wish I could say we know what's happened but that's not the case." Beckie, the captain, said from a podium at the front of the courtyard. "I'm sure that, in some way or another, all of you have heard that the ship's course was changed. We are no longer on the same path as Nova Taurus and Vertigo. Now, could we still be going to the same destination? Possibly. Will we wake up tomorrow to find that the course has been changed again? Possibly. The truth of the matter is that, at this moment in time, The Nova Sagittarius is on a track that we cannot identify. We do not know where our final destination will be or how long we will be in suspended flight. We ask that you hold your questions till the end." But nobody had raised their hand, nobody had said anything at all.
"I know that some of you have been given special responsibilities at your work place that have now become instrumental in the survival of this ship." My heart beat a million times a minute and the key grew increasingly heavier around my neck. "You will be addressed individually. Do not make it known to anyone other than those of your company that you are the carrier of this task." She then proceed to talk about changes being made to our usual business ethics. Not much else registered. Every once in a while, a couple people would mumble something to each other and others would wipe their brows and scratch nervously at their arms. "You may all return to your rooms for the next several hours but you are expected to report back to your business when called. Thank you, that is all."
As the masses began to disassemble and form clearings, I finally caught a glimpse of Antonio, who was standing on his chair and searching for me. I thought him to be a pillar… a force that could not be swayed. I thought he would stand tall and smile in the face of danger and say, "Then we must treasure today, yes?" but that wasn't the case at all. No. Not at all.
His expression was one of fear and uncertainty and hopelessness. His fragile eyes clung to me and begged me for the answers I didn't have. I didn't move. I didn't know what to do but to stare back and wait for him to crack a smile that never came. I mouthed the words MY ROOM very clearly and pointed towards the left wing. His eyes briefly followed my directions then he nodded and turned to shakily gather his things.
The next time we saw each other was when he stumbled through my door and collapsed almost instantaneously against me. He bound me tightly in his arms and filled the ship's silence with thick sobs. I'll never know why he turned to me of all people, after all, I was only a stranger, but he held me as if I were the only thread back to safety.
He clenched a fist of my autumn-colored hair in his fit of hysteria without meaning to. My nerve endings screamed as he pulled hard on them. I didn't call out in pain or pry the tremoring fist away, I let him hold my hair because the boy had only pain in his wake and I could do nothing but offer to absorb what I could of the blow. He exhaled a symphony of emotion. He whined confusion followed by tears of fear and chokes of shock and groans of pity.
Eventually, the tears ran dry and he was forced to let go of me and reassemble his mess. He pulled his hand away from my head, noticing small knots of brown hair stuck between his fingers. "Sorry." He whispered, apologetically laying a few hairs back atop my head.
"I don't care about that. Toni…tell me how you ache."
"I…I" He coughed shallowly into his hand, the wet tears in his eyes still causing a bubbly wavering in his tone. "I don't know. I don't think this is real… everything was great yesterday…they must have read the monitor wrong. Nothing like this ever happens! What are we supposed to do?" I pulled my sleeve over my palm and caught the next few marbles to come slipping down his cheeks.
I couldn't answer him because there were no answers to give. No explanations. No rhyme or reason other than by the whim of a greater force.
"Lovino?" the small voice squeaked.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think we're going to die?"
"I don't know." I replied, not wanting to voice my definite yes.
"Lovi…I'm afraid."
"Me too." I admitted under my breath.
He grabbed me but this time gently and tenderly. "I'll keep you safe, okay? I promise I will." He freed a hand to stroke my head. "I can get myself together… I'll do a good job. I'll care for you so much."
"I'm fine." I denied.
A kiss landed on my forehead. "I need just one thing to focus on, okay? Please let that one thing be you. I need it… let me be strong for you."
"I don't care how strong you are, dumb ass. You don't have to toughen up, it would be stupid to be smiling at a time like this."
"But I need to smile. You see, I forget rather quickly so I always keep one on. If I worry too much, I stop smiling and when I stop smiling, I begin to rot."
"I hope you won't be offended if I pass the opportunity."
"That's fine." He tightened his grip slightly. "I don't think I could manage one right now either."
Nothing more was said. Death is a feeling as well as a noun and there are only two ways to feel death. One, it will avoid your thoughts and you will never bother to think of it. Two, it can take hold of your serenity like a rapture. It sweeps over you unexpectedly and throws you into tremors of pain and confusion. It's rumored that there is a third option, an inner peace, per say, that allows the victim to conquer it without foolish pride. It's said that people who are dying can sometimes feel death like this. They can speak its name comfortably and the two respect each other. I do not believe that. Antonio's moans of anguish had proved that theory wrong. He was dying yet he didn't lean against the wall and smile softly. No. He grabbed me for dear life and I heard his voice as he asked to return home to his mom and his childhood beach.
We decided to both take a shower in hopes of finding some relaxation or at least temporarily washing away our bloodshot eyes and trembling lips. We granted glances at each other's nude forms to settle curiosities. He was a nice looking person and had I not been so exhausted, I'd have shown more interest in it. We washed, dried, dressed and tried not to think about the ship.
Minutes later, there was a knock at my door. The man I invited in wore a blue NOVA CORP. uniform and carried under his arm a small stack of papers. "Where's the key?" He demanded, looking at my neck.
"What key?" I blurted instinctively.
"Your name is Lovino Vargas," he informed me as Antonio watched in worry, "You are in possession of the key to the central freezer unit. Is it currently in your possession?" He seemed more than a little peeved.
"Who are you?" Antonio added before I could answer. He stepped forward, straightening his spine and inflating his chest to seem intimidating.
"Identify yourself." The stranger countered.
"I'm Antonio Fernandez Carriedo."
" , how do you know ?"
"I'm his boyfriend." He answered without hesitation. I cringed at that last word but bushed and nodded all the same.
The stranger looked surprised. He grabbed his clipboard out from under his arm and read through the page before sending me a menacing scowl. "You reported to our administrations that you had no relations onboard the ship aside from your coworkers! We do not like being lied to, ! NOVA flights are serious business and we wish to have them treated as such!"
"We met onboard the ship." The Spaniard growled, taking another step forward yet the stranger did not back down. "Would you mind telling me who you are and what qualification you have that allows you access to passengers' files?"
"I am co-captain Jonah Reed, I came regarding the central freezer key. Now, do you have it or not?"
I was about to turn and retrieve the lanyard off my nightstand when Antonio intervened again. "We want to see identification."
Mr. Reed was just about to blow his cap and I wouldn't have blamed him; it must have been a long day for him. He grudgingly fished a laminated card out of his wallet and held it facing us. Out of obligation, I read the first few words:
JONAH REED- SECONDARY COMMAND ABOARD REGISTERED NOVA CORP. VESSELS.
"It's on my nightstand." I said, not letting Antonio play the dutiful body guard role anymore.
"Please keep it with you at all times. It shouldn't be left around, much less out of your sight. You never know how well you can trust your friends." As he said that, he made a point of scowling at the curly-headed boy.
"What are you trying to say?!" He demanded. "Do I look like a crook to you!?"
"I'm saying that Mr. Vargas has been entrusted with a very important element of our survival and your sudden involvement is less than coincidental!"
"Are you trying to say that I'm conning him?! That I chose him because of a scrap of metal!?"
"That is how the rumor tells it! Now, I've been sent here to make certain that the key is safe and that ulterior motives are not at hand. Show me the key, please!" He demanded, thrusting out an open palm at me. I ran back to my room to get it, all the while Antonio calling after me, saying that I didn't have to do anything.
"Take it." I demanded, throwing into his waiting hand. "I don't want it, it's yours."
"Unfortunately, I can't do that." he turned it over a few times, exanimating it, then held it back out to me. "It's considered bias now and bias is the root of corruption. The key must stay with its original handler to avoid argument."
"But I don't want it!"
"You accepted it, didn't you? And you were paid with the triple meal credit, were you not?"
"Triple meal credit?" Antonio butted in, quirking his head at me.
"That was the exchange! I have here…" he flipped through his clipboard, "I have the transaction recorder here. You received the key and in exchange, extra meal credit was transferred into… it was split? It says it went into two accounts…" He and Antonio put the pieces together at the same time.
I flushed and crossed my arms stubbornly. "So what!? I split the credit between Antonio and I, no big deal!"
"Lovi?" Antonio's rage softened into a little smile.
"Regardless! That was the deal, the transaction was agreed to by both parties, end of story!" Mr. Reed cried in frustration. He took a paper from his stack and handed it to Antonio. "You, Mr. Fernandez Carriedo, will sign this."
"Yeah? What if I don't?" The boy snarled. He didn't like being told what to do.
"It's a contract promising your secrecy regarding Mr. Vargas and the key. If you don't sign it, we will assume that you are a con man, charge you with conspiracy, and your relationship with Mr. Vargas will be compromised as we see fit."
Antonio signed it speedily and handed back. "Is that all you needed?"
"I need to talk to Mr. Vargas alone."
And so we did. He told me not to tell anyone else about the key and to wear it around my neck, under my shirt. He said that if I should be approached and threatened about the key, that they would reassign me to work in a safer area. He told me that in the mornings, I would unlock the freezer and retrieve only what I was told to by a list delivered to me every morning. I was never to open it without instruction from either him or Becki.
When Mr. Reed finally left, Antonio and I had a parting kiss before reported to our works were each of our employees would be waiting.
Julia was looking apologetically at me while everyone else simply looked away. "Hey kid." She called.
"Where's Nora?" I asked, noticing the absence of the dark-haired mouse of a girl.
"The med center. The news finally made its way to her brain I guess and she had a panic attack."
"Do you want me to check on her?"
"No, I was just up there, she's sleeping." Julia's normally tight bun of flaxen hair was now a loose lump of hair clinging to her scalp. Her young, energetic eyes had been darkened by stressful shadows and her peachy lips had dried to a powdery blush.
"I can take over or something if you need to hit the sack for an hour or two." I offered. At first, she was shocked by my unusual generosity. Then she smiled and answered with, "I'm fine. Today has taken a toll on everyone. You should see how many anxiety cases they have in the medical center today. It'll get better but it'll also get worse."
Then it dawned on me how little I was thinking about the events of today. I felt so little anxiety compared to the others, it was a miracle. No it wasn't, it was Antonio. I was too busy with him to be drowning in self-pity as per usual.
"I think everyone's here now." Julia declared. "The sooner we get our work done, the more time I can give you off today. Today, meals are being brought to the passengers in their rooms. I sent out menu's an hour ago; we have two basic options: Hamburger or vegan burger. We've had changed made to some to accommodate food allergies. We were assigned thirty rooms, all the prep materials are in our personal freezer. Let's get going." She clapped a few times, telling everybody to assume position. Chefs gathered around grills, plate makers unloaded the washer, and a few of us changed into serving uniforms. Mealtime was fairly painless event. The only hard part was knocking on a door and presenting a tray of food to yet another lost face. People seemed less sad and more confused, they all stared at me and awkwardly received the tray as if in a lucid dream.
I was allowed to return to my room after we'd served our assigned passengers, gathered the dishes, and tidied the shop. It was suddenly so much emptier without Antonio. Without him to comfort and sooth, there was enough room for my repressed feelings of anxiety of come forth and make themselves comfortable around me so, naturally, I tried to fend them off with sleep. I stripped myself of my clothes and hid beneath the sheets. There was silence. The other five days, I had fallen asleep to the sound of couples chatting in the courtyard and the faint drumming of club music from The Jellyfish. Today, the club was closed and the couples were laying silently in their beds, just as I was. We were all wondering what had gone wrong and if, when we woke up tomorrow, it would have all been a dream. None of it seemed possible. After all, nobody really gets lost in space, do they? That's so unrealistic! That's just the hopeless plot that directors conjure up for mid-summer tragedy films! Nothing that frightening would ever happen to real people!
My eyes began to burn and my nose crinkled, tears were on the brim of spilling. I didn't want to be here…I wanted to call my brother! I grabbed my watch off my nightstand and ordered it to contact him but, just as it was this morning, there was no connection. We had broken synchronization when we changed routes. I threw the watch back down, jumped out of bed decisively, slipped into my robe and sprinted down the hall to Antonio's room.
He opened it when I knocked but didn't seem surprised to see me. "Hey, Lo-"
"Do you wanna have sex or something?" I interrupted.
"What!?"
"I need to do something! I hate thinking!"
He looked me over, blushed, and invited me in. Despite this, we didn't have sex. We had four cups of tea, we had a conversation about television shows and we had a few minutes of gentle kissing but we didn't have any sex. His bed was softer and warmer than mine, it was easier to fall asleep in. He had brought his own sheets from home and they were drenched in his smell, the smell of coffee grounds and loose dirt. I hid myself in his chest and instantly lost the battle with unconsciousness.
Antonio had set his watch's alarm for me so at five o'clock, I dragged myself out from under his arm and went to get the grocery list for work. Mr. Jonah Reed was waiting for me outside of my room. "Where have you been!?" He demanded and handed the envelope he was holding to me.
"I just assumed you'd slide it under the door." I admitted, too tired to be grumpy.
"Normally, yes but I thought I would meet you today and show you how we want it done."
I yawed. "Do I need to change?" I asked.
"Your clothing is irrelevant. Come on, we have to be speedy about this."
So I followed him, mimicking his annoying voice in my head the whole way. I stared at his hair, which I wished wasn't so perfect but it was. It was clean, almond-colored, and combed back in a princely fashion. I'd have thought he were a prince had he not been such an asshole. Long story short, we unlocked the fridge, took out what was called for, locked the fridge and that was all. There were no explosions, nothing happened at all. I was rather irritated that he followed me around and walked me through it like a baby and that irritation lasted me throughout the day.
Julia put me to work at the register. There was a new rule: We didn't serve more than recommended portion sizes and we didn't let anyone comeback for seconds. This lead to six hours or arguments with frustrated customers, sometimes ending in tears of frustration on either side. Everyone was on edge and controlling food portions doubled that anxiety. People began to wonder what would happen when there wasn't enough substance to go around which led to them stuffing bits of their sandwiches into their jackets. By the next day, NOVA staff were performing room raids and clearing closets of stashed food. They even came on over the intercom, saying, "Please, passengers, do not hoard and hide food. This habit leads to the growth of mold and illness which, in such a contained area as this vessel, could bring serious consequences including endangering the lives of hundreds. Consume the entirety of your meals, they provide all needed nutrients. Thank you."
"What are we going to do?" Julia sighed and leaned up against the shelves of the pantry. I glanced around, wondering who she was addressing yet we were the only two in the room. One-thirty was approaching so we were both in the pantry, restocking after the big lunch rush. She had been talking to me much more since the day the course changed. "Things aren't going to get prettier, y'know. People are going to get more anxious, we'll start running out of food… it won't just be a game of measuring portions anymore, it'll be a war."
"You think?" I asked, my voice small. What if there were a war? Would I be stuck in the center? If war were the case, I'd probably be the first to go. They would see me as the tyrant king and by nature, peasants rebel against tyrant kings.
"I don't know what I think…" I had never seen the woman so distraught. She had always been a statue, a marble giant wielding a sword and shield as if they were more natural at the ends of her arms than her own hands. "Nora's doing better at least. I can enjoy that while it lasts."
"You really worry about her, don't you?"
She nodded solemnly. "I have three sisters back on Earth. All my life, I was the one who brought home presents after long days at work and fought the kids who dared to pick on them. I was the monster-chaser and…when I'm gone… I wonder if they'll be able to fight monsters on their own…" For the first time ever, the statuess let loose thick marble tears that shook the Earth as they fell.
Up until then, she had been so strong. She was the one who held our hands if we were afraid and let us sit in the pantry if we needed some recovery time. She was our patriarch, our grand-supreme, the one who would kick defeat in the face.
I couldn't bare the camel breaking it's back over just one straw. "Don't!" I cried! I selfishly forbade her to weep, denying her humanity. If even she lost hope, then there truly wasn't any hope! Statues only cry for the most terrible of fates, I couldn't let her! I dropped the box I was holding and quickly dried her face with my apron. "You can't! If they see you like this, there's not a chance they'll have the courage to keep going!" That was a lie, it was my own weakness I was concerned about. Julia was the strongest person on the whole damn ship! If she gave up…
"Dammit, Lovino! Leave me alone!" She swatted me away. "I'll cry if I want to!"
"But-!"
"It's scary." She whined. "And I'm not the Joan of Arc you think I am! I can't do this! Even I have things I'm afraid of, dying included."
"Julia…" I said as if the name were forgein to me. She was nothing like herself anymore.
"I need some time, okay? Just… just go and tell everyone I'll be out in a minute. I'm going to finish organizing the shelf." Her grey eyes looked pleadingly at me then focused themselves at her hands as she began to move things around.
"Okay…" I mumbled and left.
Seeing Julia like that set me up for a day of feeling miserably hopeless. I wiped the counters, cleaned the grills, swept the floors and spent my lunch break in the smelly seaweed plant with smelly Antonio.
"So when are you going to tell me what's got you down?" He handed me another piece of the sandwich, the one that had been provided to him by his work.
I popped it into my mouth. "Is our appending doom not a good enough reason?" The sandwich tasted like shit. When I asked him what kind of sandwich it was, he said it was the kind that you eat, meaning the ingredients were probably just a mash of essential nutrients and that you shouldn't think too hard about it.
"No. The Lovino I know is a jar of tough cookies." He nudged me. "Come on, Lovi, what's eating you?"
"Maybe I'm just a little bit nervous, okay? We still don't have synchronization with the other ships…"
"So it's about your brother, then."
"Kind of."
"Tell me." He ordered and offered me another piece of slop-wich but I refused it, afraid of losing my stomach. He shrugged and fed it to his own mouth.
"I haven't spoken to him since we broke sync. They probably don't even know we're gone, they probably assume that someone spilled coffee on our transmit system. After all, nobody ever saw this coming."
"Maybe someone did." He mentioned.
"Who!?"
"The hacker theory is still up for grabs. I think it's possible, maybe it's an act of terrorism."
"What kind of publicity would they gain!?"
"Trying to think like a maniac is a dangerous thing. Who knows what they think? Who wants to know?"
"Maybe it's just a malfunction?"
"Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe."
"Toni?"
"Yeah?"
"Y'know what's bugging me? I don't know why but… when I think of my brother drinking and laughing and carelessly wandering his ship, it makes me…. I don't know… pissed? Sad? Frustrated? I should be relieved. It's one less thing for me to worry about, right?"
"I see what it is. You're pissed and sad and frustrated because you want to be missed."
"No I don't! Why would I care whether I'm missed or not!?"
"It's not an unreasonable thing, Lovino! Everybody wants somebody to mourn at their misfortunes, everybody wants to feel important."
"The difference is that some people actually are important. If my brother went missing for even a minute, the town's people would rally their search parties."
"You're just as important as your brother."
"Thank, Mom."
He laughed, making my scowl deepen. "Someday you'll understand."
"Understand what?"
"That you're someone's everything."
"You don't get it!" I groaned, "It's so hard to be important when you have Mr. Important as your competition. You can't cast a shadow on the sun!"
His hand was wrapped around mine. "You don't actually feel that way, do you?" He whined.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Do you really think nobody loves you as much as your brother?"
"It's not just a feeling. It's a fact. I've seen all the focus groups you can imagine. I have stats and charts and graphs. It's a certified fact."
"How odd…"
"What is?"
"I've never been told that I do not exist."
"What are you trying to say?
"Like you said, the sun cannot be challenged. The sun is the most necessary, beautiful, yet tragic member of our solar system."
I felt a twinge in my chest. "It's true."
"But what is the sun but a star? There are countless!" He gestured to the near-bye window, out of which I could see a knotted cluster of shining specks that covered the sky. "Who's to keep me from saying, that's a sun! That's a sun! That one over there and that one next to it too! In fact every person could do the same thing. All stars are balls of burning gas; the bane of life but also the creator of it. Maybe I look across the vastness and I say there, that is the star that I love most in the world. It is a star like all the others but I love it best." He looked out the window, smiling softly, his words romantic and his eyes filled by grand illusions. "Do you see it? It is the one that quakes with fear of its own death. Don't be misled! It is afraid because it wishes not to destroy the life it created. That is the star I love best, that is my sun." His sparkling eyes shifted from the window to my stunned face, his smile stayed kind and honest. "So, you see, a star mustn't envy the other stars. It must not wish to become another's sun. It may not believe it but someone has already chosen it to be their sun."
"Antonio…" I mumbled, caught between disbelief and persuasion. His intelligence was as outstanding as his oblivion.
"My break is almost over." He mentioned, not breaking the contact between his Earthy-green eyes and my Autumn-tinted ones.
"Okay." I answered stupidly. I had nothing I could say to him. He must have thought I was an idiot, just staring at him blankly and all. He kissed my forehead kindly before wrapping his sandwich and standing up off the bench.
"Sorry, sometimes I say too much. Don't worry yourself over it. I'll see you for dinner then, right? Café Donde? Bye, Lovi, Gotta go."
"Bye!" I cried, waking up from my trans just in time to watch his skip off.
So it was true, I had fallen in love. It happens so quickly and effortlessly, it comes without you even noticing it. That's why I feared it. Love arrives so jovially. It promises happiness and importance and security. It waits until you get comfortable, just until you have a lot to lose and then it destroys. It ravages like a tornado, tearing your happiness and importance and security to shreds.
Love was not something I could manage. I was born with my destiny decided; to always be a shadow, to feed off hatred and revenge. I couldn't be loved, that's why I was alone. Somehow… I couldn't manage to remind myself of that though. That's what love does, it blocks all your receptors like a drug. It keeps you from remembering how bad you had it last time. It makes you submit, you can't fight it. You were either all in love or none.
When I got off work, I actually went back to my room and changed out of my uniform before meeting Antonio for dinner. It was suddenly important that he thought I was handsome. It was like every meeting was an interview, I imagined that he was scoping me out for flaws and, if I was good enough, he would accept me. It was a stupidly pathetic notion but an undeniable one at that.
I walked up to the café table, preparing to make a handsome entrance when I was interrupted. "Lovi! You gotta see something! They showed us this place at work and-" He noticed me, "You look very handsome like that~" That bastard knew that was exactly what I wanted him to say and, what's worse, he actually meant it.
"What place?" I asked to divert attention from my rising blush.
"Oh! Well, I can't say anything about it right now. You'll have to follow me." He took my hand and led me to the seaweed plant but we didn't stop there. We went into the back where the filters and pumps were. He dragged me down a corridor then another and another until I was presented with three metal giants. Three mammoth tanks labeled Q, D, and N. I was unimpressed.
"Tada!" My companion cried. "Okay, I know what you're thinking but I promise, this is good news! These are the ship's producers. N is for Nutrients, it makes food out of waste. Then D is distil, it cleans water so that it's drinkable. Lastly, Q is energy, it powers the other two machines. It's our own survive-the-apocalypse kit!"
"So you're saying that these contraptions could keep us alive in here? Like… until someone can come and save us?"
"Well, that's the downside. They can only handle a population of two hundred so…"
"Two hundred!? That's twelve hundred unaccounted for passengers!"
"I know, I know! That's why nobody knows about it right now. Only NOVA staff and now us in the seaweed plant. They wanted to see if we could rig up the two systems. But don't you see what this means!? We could live, Lovino! We could go back to Earth! You and me, we could make it!"
"What about the twelve hundred others!?"
"I don't know about them." He admitted. "Maybe it won't even come to this, maybe we'll all go back and it'll be as if this trip never happened. But look, maybe it won't be like that. I'm going to do whatever I can to get you back, okay?"
"Antonio…"
"Yeah?"
"Antonio, I'm not so sure this is a good thing."
His smile faded and he looked at me with utter betrayal. "What?"
"I said… well, a replenishing food source in a time of famine? That's just asking for trouble."
"But it could keep us alive, Lovino!"
"Twelve hundred other people would have the same idea! This is an object of war!"
"Maybe it is! So what!? It's our ticket out! Don't you want out!? To have a life with me back on Earth where we belong!?"
"Of course, you idiot! Why would I choose to die on this god-forsaken-hunk-a-shit!? But, Toni, even if we were going scrap our ways to the front, it would be twelve hundred versus two, consider the odds!"
"I'll get a gun! I'd carve a toothbrush into a knife!"
"Stop that!"
"Why!? You think I wouldn't!? Are you afraid!? Afraid of how far I would go to save you!?"
"There are little old women and small children! There are infants still suckling on their mother's breasts! I know you better than that, Antonio! You wouldn't hurt them!"
"Yes I would, dammit!" He screamed with tears in his eyes. "I would because I love you! But apparently, I'm the only one! I'm the only one who cares about us!"
"You're not the person I know!" I screamed back. "This isn't you!"
"Fuck you, Lovino! Fuck you!" The tears spilled over. How had everything gotten so lost? "You're ruining everything! Why can't you be happy!? Why can't you let me save you, you bastard! Get out of here!" He dropped to his knees and began sobbing forcefully, coughing and choking and releasing shaky breaths. I tried to approach him. "GET OUT OF HERE! LEAVE, DAMMIT!"
I turned and ran back the way we came. I was afraid. I was afraid of the person I loved. I was such a coward! He needed me! He was just scared and the panic was getting to him, I should have been there to help him! I was such a coward! I should have held him until he could think straight, I should have been there for him.
I found myself crying as I sprinted into the Big Dish International pantry room and shut the door. I needed some time alone. I needed time to remember the Antonio I knew. I needed to remind myself that he was just stressed and that he would be okay once he could breathe. Being stranded screws with your brain. He was just frightened, he was confused, he was-
Stop. My throat. Knife. Knife against my throat. Shit. Shit, holy shit! What was going on!? "Don't make a sound." A harsh voice demanded. "Not a word or this goes through your throat!" He was behind me. It suddenly occurred to me that my arms were being held against my back. They hurt. They were being held to hard. He was holding them there. Out of instinct, I squirmed and opened my mouth to cry out but as soon as I did it, the thin blade pressed harder against my neck. Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit!
"You're Lovino Vargas." He said in an informatory tone. "You're the kid with the freezer k- Don't look at me!" He barked and jerked me as I tried to turn my head back. It was all too sudden! I was hardly sure of what was even happening. "Look at that wall and don't look back." I did what he said. "You're Lovino Vargas, aren't you!?"
Silence.
"Answer!" He jerked me hard and I spat out a small yes. "And you have the key?" I nodded. "Good. This is how this is going to happen. You're going to hand it over to me in just a second. When somebody asks you where it went, you're going to say you gave it to a friend. Look here." He jammed a crumpled picture in front of my face. As I deciphered it, it became blaringly obvious that it was a security camera shot of Antonio waiting for me to get off work at a courtyard table. "You know this guy? You're going to say you gave it to him. Say he wouldn't stop stalking you until you gave it to him."
"But he's not a sta-"
The blade became dangerously real. "Yeah, well, I've got enough camera footage to say otherwise! You're going to say you gave it to him, you don't know what he did with it. You're never going to say anything about me, got it? You say anything, it's the end of the line for you and your friend."
Silence.
"Got it!?" He demanded. I nodded and fought to conceal a whimper. I needed Antonio, I needed him now!
"Real easy." The stranger's hand jammed itself into my shirt collar and moved against my skin in a sickening way. I felt fingers close around the little metal key, the one I was supposed to protect. I felt dizzy, I felt like screaming for help, begging for Antonio to save me with that sharpened toothbrush. I should have protected it! I didn't want to be helpless! "Please" I thought, shutting my eyes tight, "Please, forgive me for what I'm about to do!" I pried my dry lips open.
"ANTO-"