Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans and I don't think I ever will. And I'm just fine with that.
Jar of Hearts
Chapter One
"Whore."
The word is said with just enough venom to sting, with the right amount of gusto to seem almost gleeful. I turn around to see who just said that nasty word aimed straight at the heart of me, but I can't see who said it. It really doesn't matter anyway. I know they mean it.
I would be a liar, if I wasn't one already, if I said that that word didn't hurt. I would also be lying, though, if I said that I didn't deserve it.
That word just opened another unhealed wound on my already mangled heart. I actually do have one, somewhere down here in this black hole that other people call my soul.
I continue walking as if I didn't just feel the bloody blow to the back of the head. I tell myself, just like I would tell Kole if she was with me, that the words that they say don't mean a thing. That I don't care, because I don't have to care. I'm Tara Markov, after all.
I'm a bitch, a slut, a whore. I'm easy, nasty, and the girl that everyone talks about but no one will ever say anything to her face because they're terrified of her. I know the many adjectives that describe the real me. After all, I know they're all true.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you.
This is a lie. I know first hand how much words can hurt.
..O..
Kole sighs and leans her face into her hand as she watches Joey Wilson walk across the courtyard with this dopey look on her face. I light a cigarette and try not to laugh meanly about the fact that half the girls in our general area are doing the same thing.
Personally I don't see the attraction. Sure the guy has great hair, it's curly and blonde, but other than that I don't think much about him. But, then again, he's a little young for me. He's probably my age, but like I said, that's just a bit too young.
Kole is so obviously smitten that I would find it funny if I wasn't so disgusted by it. Honestly, Kole could probably do much better than a high school boy. But Joey was, in her words, dreamy. Plus he was 'soulful' because he could play guitar and do a million other things that just light Kole's world on fire.
"Why don't you just go talk to him? It'd be a lot easier than sitting her pining for him. I'll talk to him for you, if you want," I offer, taking a long, sweet drag. Ah the lovely taste of nicotine. I have missed you, my dear toxic friend.
That makes Kole sit up a little straighter. "What? No of course I can't do that! And neither can you!" Kole looks at me positively alarmed, and then she does a double take when she sees the cancer stick in my hand. "You aren't supposed to have those at school! What if someone catches you?"
"Honey, if they catch me now it's about damn time. And that's all I have to say." The teachers at our school could care less about the student population smoking unless we're stupid enough to blow smoke right in their face. Either that or they're all very unobservant. I'm thinking it's the latter because there's this kid, whose nickname is Cinderblock because he's built like one and he's just as intelligent, who sells weed in the alleyway between the cafeteria and the English wing.
Kole makes her concerned face, which always makes me feel bad because I know that she actually cares just as much as I just straight up don't care. It does not, however, make me feel bad enough to stop. Once you get addicted to something, whether it be cigarettes or something more deadly, it's just that much harder to stop. You actually have to want to. Well, to put it bluntly, I don't want to.
The smoke coming off the end of my cigarettes is just another veil between me and the world. And I want to keep it that way.
"You know, tobacco kills one person ever ten seconds and is set to kill ten million people by the year 2025."
I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. I'm pretty sure that I lost that battle. Kole is now on this kick of giving me fun facts about how deadly my cigarettes are as if that's going to stop me. The thing is that if she just asked me to stop I might even consider it, but I know she won't so I don't.
"Did you know that red heads have a higher risk of unplanned pregnancy due to some chemical in their body? Evidently the hue of their hair has to do with some hormone and that triggers the chemical to do its thing."
"Really?" Kole reaches a hand up to her strawberry blonde ponytail and looks like she's about to cry.
Sometimes she's just too easy.
"No," I reply, putting out my cigarette. I think I just saw our Vice Principal walk by, and he's probably the one teacher that cares about the little things, like drugs and other illegal substances, during school hours. And he hates me and is out to get me. He watches me like a hawk and tries to pretend that he doesn't.
Personally I don't blame him.
Kole looks extremely relieved and I have to bite down on my cheek to keep from laughing at her naivety. "Oh, good. So, are you actually coming to first period today or are you just going to chill out in your car?" We begin our descent into hell as soon as the bell rings.
"We're only about a month in, so I'm pretty sure I'm coming." This year I've decided to start coming to class more often because this is the year that grades really count. I've always cared before, kind of, but I know better than to slack off this time. Besides, it's not the school work that's hard. It's just everything else.
"You know, I heard that we got a new kid today."
"In the middle of the first month? No kidding."
"No kidding." Kole maneuvers her way through two idiots that have taken it upon themselves to clog up the hallway just so they can get that sick pleasure of being stupid. If it was me I would have just walked straight through them just so I could get hit and avoid the rest of the school day, but unfortunately for me and the rest of the world I was on the other side of them and missed the scuffle completely. "They say he's really cute, but I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him."
"Then how do you know about him?" Kole's ability to somehow get in the middle of everyone's business, even though she had almost no friends other than me (Which, like most things in my life, is my fault. She probably could have a thousand friends, as nice as she is and as pretty, but for some reason she's stuck by me all these years. I will forever be grateful to her for that, even if most of the time I don't act like it.) still astounds me.
Kole shrugs innocently. "People," she concludes as she slips into her class, Physics. Kole's dad is this major scientifical freak, and he passed that gene down to his daughter and she's excellent at science now. She wins most of the science fairs that our school hosts and she takes a class down at the local junior college already.
I roll my eyes at her but she has already walked in the classroom and doesn't see my waste of calories. (Because, evidently, even when you move your pinkie you are burning calories.) It's not difficult for me to say that Kole's 'people' and I don't get along. It's not that I don't like people (well, okay, maybe I hate most of them just a little) it's just that people don't like me. So I return the favor. With gusto.
With a sigh I propel myself through the door and watch teenagers in their natural habitat. They are almost all acting like idiots, just like I suspected they would. And people really wonder about why I like older men.
I manage to snag a seat in the back corner, and surprise surprise, no one bothers to sit next to me. I don't really wonder why anymore. Unpopularity, according to about eighty percent of the people in this high school, is like AIDS. If you sit next to someone that has it you might just end up getting it too.
As I have anticipated no one bothers to sit directly to my right, and it is the only seat left unavailable. Someone did have to sit in the seat in front of me, the poor dear. I do so hope that I don't contaminate her.
The girl in front of me is the type of girl that I could have been, maybe, if my life worked out the way it should have. She has friends coming out of her ears, a loving boyfriend despite the purity ring stuck on her pretty little finger, and she's one of the luckiest people that I know and she doesn't even realize it.
Fact of Life: You don't ever realize what you have until it's gone.
Her name is Cassandra Sandsmark, known to her friends as 'Cassie'.
I hate her. I know that it's not a very concrete reason to hate someone, after all jealously and hate are two very different beasts, but I can't help it. Besides, she's so easy to hate, what with all of her 'school spirit' and 'good deeds' and the fact that she's probably going to college on a full ride because she's so awesome.
Cue the puke here, please.
If I was on the outside looking in I'd probably laugh at myself for being so petty. But, since I'm only myself, the only thing that I can do is hate myself even more for being so idiotic and ugly inside.
I hate me, and that's not an opinion. It's a fact.
Suddenly the teacher rouses himself to get out of his computer chair and decides to start class. I place my number two pencils neatly beside my binder and fold my hands on top like a good girl. It is a reasonable to make have a good first impression, after all. Or, at least, that's what Kole would say, if she was here, which she's not.
Kole's almost like my conscience. Sometimes, if I know that I'm about to do something that I shouldn't, or that would be considered 'wrong' I think of Kole and what she would say if she were right beside me, or if she was in my shoes. And then I laugh and do whatever the hell that I want. But I like the fact that there is another choice, the fact that I can choose to do the right thing.
But then, I always choose not to anyway. So there might as well not be a choice in the first thing.
It's always nice to know your options though, am I right?
"Hello class," the teacher begins nasally, shuffling papers at his podium. He then clears his throat and waits for everyone to settle down before he begins. My mind begins to wander, because I can tell that he's already going to be boring, as always, and I notice that the seat next to me hasn't filled up.
It's not like I can say that I'm surprised. I don't know why I keep fixating that empty seat, the only seat that's empty in the whole entire room, but I do and it's starting to get on my nerves. With a huff of irritation at myself I get out one of my empty spirals and begin doodling in it. Maybe I'll get extra good girl points for looking as though I'm writing notes.
The monotone of the teacher's voice stops and I look up to see if someone died. It'd be a good excuse to get out of class, anyway. Maybe they died of boredom. Now that's an idea. I haven't tried that method yet.
There's a boy standing in the doorway. My throat closes up when I look at him because I know exactly who he is. It's Garth.
I haven't seen him in years, not since he moved away in third grade. We used to be best friend in my little fairy tale world that ended years ago. He doesn't know Tara. He won't even recognize me.
"Class, we have a new student." Mr. Russel drones on about him and how we should help Garth feel 'welcome' and all of that. (Once again just gag me. I mean really. Here this teacher is throwing a kid to the sharks, all of whom are supposed to be welcoming?) "Tell us something about yourself, son."
Garth begins talking in that slow but sure way that I remember him always speaking in and I'm sitting in my seat, silently praying that he won't notice me. But of course he will, because I'm sitting next to the only empty desk in this whole entire classroom.
He notices me soon enough, just like I knew he would, and his purple eyes meet mine. He's better looking than I remember him being. If he wasn't himself I'd probably be all over him in a New York minute.
I raise my hand, still looking straight at him. I glare. "Mr. Russel, can I go to the bathroom? I think I'm going to be sick." And then I get as far away from him as I possibly can.
Fact of Life: I'm always going to be a disappointment.
A/N: Cassie Sandsmark is the current Wonder Girl. There will be several cameo apperances from the DC Universe in this story if I don't feel like making up an OC. Does this chapter seem kind of rushed to you guys? I think so, but I don't know. This is just a taster. The next chapter is MUCH longer. I hope you enjoyed!