So, this is how i feel after the break up, really sucky, not the best written, but it's from my heart, and soon look for it to become a story. I'll be posting chapters soon, i swear, but the love is gone, and it makes it hard to write about love. I still love my readers though, so I'm working on it.

(I own all rights to this writing, it's from the bottom of my heart)

Natalie

Day before Valentine's day 2011

I hurt, more than anyone can see.

My arms crossed across my chest, holding myself together, when all I want to do is fall apart.

My smile always fake, because it feels like I don't have the the right to be happy anymore.

But no one can tell.

You'd rather see the facade because that means I can be okay without you when it's the exact opposite, I hurt, I cry, I scream, I dream, I miss, I lose myself in pain, I wish everything would be okay, but it won't be, it can't be, without you there.

A facade got us here, a lie on your face when you saw me near.

You acted like you were okay, to ease my worried mind, but gave me no time to prepare for the onslaught of emotion I always feared.

So it is just poetic justice that the one thing that kept you alive keeps me alive now, what you think you see of me, is what is most fake.

You don't see the weeping and the pain, the hurt, the screaming of your name to come back and take this pain away.

You don't see the fire gone from me.

The will to do what I love most, deteriorated from me, nothing matters when what you love most us gone.

I guess I'd rather you happy than me, but the pain is so great.

The dreams so powerful, full of words saying you'll be back.

Remembered caresses tease me, words of prophetic return and love and patience tear me, searing kisses wake me, and sadness overwhelms me when I wake to an empty bed.

And I can do nothing to change it.

Nothing to fix myself because i will forever be hurting, and no one can see it.

My heart is in shatters again, my emotions frayed, I've lost control of myself, my composure not even skin thick, and you are okay, smiling and laughing and going on with your life.

I don't know what I did wrong, because surely it was my fault if this is so easy for you.

I feel like an idiot for even thinking you would love me forever when you are destined for so much more than me and Texas, you deserve all the happiness in the world that u could bot bring, and still the moment you ever said you missed me, I would be back in your arms again.

Selfish, I know. I don't know what else to say, I'm so in love with you, and you will never look my way again, I don't matter, you don't care, and I thought everything you said to me, was what you meant.

Obviously I'm moronic and stupid.

There is no point to me posting this because you will never see it anyways.

But I have to tell you, I love you with all my heart even now and that will never change, I hurt so bad, I guess I deserve it though.

I thought it was okay to keep you to myself, when you have an amazing life ahead of you.

And so much happiness and live to give to someone else or someone else's, and I will be stuck here mourning the loss of everything I hold dear, I don't know why I let my heart get the better of me, and tell me you were here to stay, when I should have known I was nothing compared to what you deserve.

I know you won't think of me, I know soon I'll be gone, but ask you try to remember the girl in high school, you fell so hard for, the girl you promised everything to, and took everything away from.

I just ask you to remember her even though I know you'll never read this.

I ask you to remember, and know she'll never forget.