A.N. So here I am again so goddamn tired just read okay. love you goodnight.

Chapter 2

Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their half-frozen nephew on the door step and the wreckage of Vernons car, but Privet Drive had hardly changed (after the nesscesary repair work). The sun rose on the same empty beer can filled front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door or it would have if it hadnt been stolen for the third time that month; it crept into their living room, which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fight between newscasters meaning littered with empty biscuit packets.

Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a pink sack of potatoes attempting to eat whatever was near it - but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large blond boy breaking his first bicycle, getting refused entry to a ride at the fair due to weight restrictions, fighting over a piece of fried chicken with his father, being given the Heimlich by his mother. The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house.

Yet Harry Potter was there asleep for the moment after living with the wild animals known as his family he learned to sleep through most things but he would not be asleep for long as his fat shit of a cousin had fallen down the stairs.

Harry heard his cousin smash through the glass door leading to the foyer then the sound of the frying pan being put on the stove. He rolled over and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been an interesting one. There had been a flying motorcycle in it along with a hairy giant trying to escape the police. He had a funny feeling that actually might have happened.

As Harry mused on that thought his blonde harpy of an aunt screeched through the wall "Are you up yet?" she demanded. "Nearly," said Harry. "Well, get a move on you sarcastic little shit, I want you to look after the bacon, I don't want to go to the emergency room because Dudley shoved his face in the pan again, I want one good birthday in this house. "

Harry groaned, if the staff at his school couldn't keep Dudley away from the kitchen what chance did he have. "What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door. "Nothing, nothing" he replied before adding in a low whisper "Bitch".

Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed instead of in the sock drawer where he is supposed to keep them, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on. Harry was way too used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept. He did wish Dudley would stop spending his pocket-money on Tarantulas though.

When he was fully dressed he stepped over his injured cousin into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all the eggs sausage toast and assorted breakfast items he took an idle glance at the giant pile of presents Dudley had received. It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike. Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was no mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise unless of course it involved punching somebody. Dudley's favorite punching bag was Harry, but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast and would likely have to get faster now Dudley is motorised.

Perhaps it had something to do with living along two giant fat people, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age. He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old Dudley's baby clothes.

Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright green eyes. He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Scotch tape because of all the times Dudley had sat on his face. The farting was overkill.

One of the only things thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning. He had it as long as he could remember and the second question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was how he had gotten it. The first question was where he got the tattoo of the grim reaper riding a motorcycle.

"Dear Lord you are annoying," she had said. "Just shut the fuck up I am way too hung over for this". Shut the fuck up - that was the third rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys. The first two just involve the fridge. Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen lured in by the smell of breakfast as Harry was turning over the bacon. "Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of a morning greeting. About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his pancakes and shouted that Harry needed a haircut or a wash or some friends. Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way plus he really didn't want it short.

It had been a dream of Harry's, ever since finding that strange book hidden in his aunts wardrobe to have hair like the man on the front cover, long and flowing.

One day he will look like Fabio.

Though to Vernon Dursleys credit Harry had not actually washed or showered that morning.

Harry was frying a second round of eggs by the time Dudley got escorted into the kitchen a little drowsy due to blood loss. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon i.e. like a big fat person sans moustache. He had a large pink face, not much neck, small, watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head. Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel made of lard - Harry often said that Dudley looked like a statue of a pig made of lard.

Harry put the heaps of egg and bacon on the table, which made him wonder why they just didn't use troughs. Dudley was attempting to count his presents. Maybe it was the falling down the stairs or the blood loss but Dudley gave up quite quickly and decided to just ask.

Dudley wasnt all that smart. "How many are there?" He oinked.

"Thirty-six, I counted them myself" Vernon replied between mouthfuls. Vernon was proud of his ability to count over 30.

"Thirty-six," he said, porking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year. " It was a bold lie Dudley had no idea how many presents he had last year.

"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy. " Vernon swore under his breath he would never be able to count to fourty at this rate.

"All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in his fat face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, decided to get the fuck out of there for when Dudley flips the table which happens more often than it should.

Aunt Petunia obviously smelled danger or it could have been Vernons body odour, either way she couldn't be bothered to deal with Dudleys bullshit today quickly saying "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, porkchop? Two more presents. Is that enough?"

Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like it hurt but that could have been the concussion. Finally he said slowly, "So I'll have thirty, thirty. " "Thirty-nine, you moron," said Aunt Petunia feeling tired. "Oh. " Dudley sat down heavily breaking his chair and grabbed the nearest parcel from the floor. "score. " Uncle Vernon chuckled he loved watching people get hurt.

At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike. Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried. "Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him. " She jerked her head in Harry's direction.

Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap. Dudley had broken her leg the other day and Harry was hoping he would get in trouble for it. Normally every year, Harry was left with Mrs. Figg, a mad old woman who lived two streets away. Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of regret and Mrs. Figg made him put on dresses and compete in beauty pageants. To this day he only ever placed second.

"Now what?" said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this. Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to sing don't cry for me Argentina again.

"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested. "Don't be stupid, Vernon, she hates the boy.". Petunia wasnt wrong the two absolutely hated each other often devolving into a fist fight. Always ends in a draw Harry can't punch hard enough to get through her fat and she cant move fast enough to catch him.

"What about what's-her-name, your friend - Yvonne?" ."On vacation in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia. This was a lie Petunia didn't actually have friends.

"You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change (some anime bs) and maybe even go on Dudley's bed).

Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a lemon, then again she always looked like that. "And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled. "That was one time," said Harry, but they weren't listening. "I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, "and leave him in the car". "That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone, not after last time "

Dudley began to cry loudly. In fact, he wasn't really crying it had been years since he'd really cried. He had no emotions outside of malice and hunger but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted to shut him up.

"I don't want him to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin, he was well aware that Harry only ruined most things.

Just then, the doorbell rang "Oh balls they're here!" screeched Petunia frantically and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat. He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them. Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once.

Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life. His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside. "I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, any bullshit and you'll be eating through a straw". Vernon often threatened people with physical violence. "I'm not going to do anything," said Harry.

The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys or the police he didn't make them happen.

Once, Aunt Petunia drunk on her afternoon wine had taken a shaver and cut his hair so short he was almost bald except for his bangs, which she left because she passed out. Dudley had laughed so hard he shat his pants. Harry had not been awake for this after years of hearing his aunt and uncle argue into the night had learned to sleep through anything. Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off.

Another time, Aunt Petunia had tried to force him into a revolting old dress of hers as he had spilt coke on the dress he was supposed to wear. The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry. Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and she was too drunk to care, to his great relief, Harry wasn't forced to attend Little Miss Surrey that year.

But today, nothing was going to go wrong. It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's ass-smelling living room trying to hit those high notes.

While they drove, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia bickered. The two often argued it was amusing to watch. "Will you EVER stop farting? Is that even a remote possibility Vernon" The pair continued until something distracted them. This time it was motorcycles.

". . . roaring along like maniacs, the asswipe" he said, as a motorcycle overtook them the rider flipping him off. "I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying. " Uncle Vernon crashed into the car in front. He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry. "WHO TALKS ABOUT THEIR DREAMS? NO WONDER YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS!" Dudley and Piers sniggered. "I have friends" said Harry defensively. He didn't but his stage persona 'Harrietta' was friends with most of the girls on the pageant circuit.

But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything.

It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was incredibly crowded with families when they arrived Petunia had taken over driving after Vernon got punched in the face by the driver of the car he crashed into. The group bought ice creams at the entrance, though the smiling woman hadn't heard their inital order due to the cash register noises she head in her heard after seeing two whales approach.

Although the group essentially dislike each other they were having a good time in each others presence and shared a laugh at a gorilla mascot approach and dance about. It was when Dudley was bodily picked up and hauled off to the top of a nearby building that they realised it wasnt a man in a costume. Luckily the zoostaff knew exactly what to do, it was not the first time this particular gorilla has escaped. Someone really had to start locking those cages. From experience they knew the best way was to give him what he wants otherwise some major shit would go down.

It was unfortunate for Dudley that today that gorilla had a hankerin for some spankerin.

Maybe it was because of Dudley received a giant ape sized portion of ass paddlin but Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time. He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were major assholes wouldn't fall back on their favorite hobby of hitting people. They ate in the zoo restaurant Uncle Vernon became furious when Harry refused to finish Dudleys ice cream, it wasnt the one he was cramming down his gullet it was the extra he ordered for his raw ass.

Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.

After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool, dark and mysterious in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers badly wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons.

Frankly neither of them really wanted to reflect in depth on the desire to gaze upon long thick snakes. Dudley once told Piers he had a dream where they were kissing and didn't know what it meant; they havent talked about it since.

Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place as though instinctively drawn to it. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a trash can but at the moment it was fast asleep.

Dudley stood with his porky nose pressed against the glass, staring intently at the glistening brown coils. "Make it move," he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass apparently pretending to be a postal worker, but the snake didn't budge. "This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away ass still sore.

Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself no company except Samuel Jackson. The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's. It winked. Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching.

Harry considered what to do. On the one hand the snake was clearly coming onto him and he didn't want to give it the wrong idea by reciprocating on the other he wanted to see what would happen next.

The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly: "How fat can you get? ". "I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "You should see them eat its a massacre" The snake nodded vigorously. "Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it. Boa Constrictor, Brazil. "Was it nice there?"

The boa constrictor frowned then jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. "Oh, I see - so you've never been to Brazil?". The raised an eyebrow.

Wait snakes don't have eyebrows well anyways it gave Harry a look that said "You just read the fucking sign". As the snake shook its head, clearly it was not going to get a phone number, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!". Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as his still throbbing ass would allow.

"Out of the way, asshole," he said, punching Harry in the balls. Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror.

Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished. This had happened right as the constrictor had launched itself towards the pair. Dudley sensing danger pushed Piers in front of the snake and he was swallowed whole.

As the snake slid swiftly past him Piers muffled screams filling the air, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come, call me." The keeper of the reptile house was in shock he could not believe this has happened again. "Shit shit I am so getting fired" he kept saying.

The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except attempt to digest Piers. By the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was telling them about how much it hurt when the zoo staff jumped on him to get him out. But worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was flirting with it, weren't you, Harry?"

Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house (and paid him money not to tell his parents about being eaten) before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. He managed to say, "24 inch meat feast, 40 wings, 5 chips" before he slammed the phone down then told him to go to his cupboard. This upset both Harry and the takeaway owner who answered the phone; normally Vernon is so nice when he calls.

He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents apparently died in that car crash. He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died but he was one. Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: A giant blueberry exploding he had no idea what to make of it. He couldn't remember his parents at all. His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, There were no photographs of them in the house only the words 'Lily wuz here' written in permanent marker on the wall.

When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it had never happened; the Dursleys were his only family. Except for his other aunt. Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. Very strange strangers they were, too. A tiny man in a violet top hat had slipped his number to him while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man, Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything. A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus, but that particular woman was homeless and had mental issues. A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then offered him a ride in his van and candy. The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry or the police officers tried to get a closer look.

At school, Harry had no one. Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley's gang and that was just the staff the kids were far worse.

Kids suck.

A.N. next time more weird dribbles from my brain.