AN: In this chapter, I've started putting people's usernames before their dialogue so it's easier to tell who's talking. DarthLeatherTush eventually gets abbreviated to DLT, and when someone who hasn't been introduced yet speaks, I use a question mark. Also, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged or TOME, blah blah blah.
So, basically what happened when I left off was that I was ambushed and tackled to the ground by an as-of-yet-unidentified person who probably intends to mug me. His virtual-reality avatar must somehow be pretty heavy, because I can't seem to move. Friggin' frig. He probably doesn't want the attention of anybody else, because he's whispering threats in my ear.
?: "Don't move, or I will rip your face off. Now, be a good boy and hand over all of your stuff..."
Hrrgh... This situation is impossible. I've gotta get him to let me up somehow...
DarthLeatherTush: "Listen, if you're out to rob someone, you picked just about the worst target imaginable."
?: "Oh, really? I don't think you're in a position to argue..."
DarthLeatherTush: "Well, I can understand if my dashing good looks and sexy-licious body caught your attention, but I literally just started playing this friggin' game. I can guarantee you I have nothing you want. Now, let me up; if this goes on any longer, it'll get uncomfortably close to yaoi."
?: "...Nothing wrong with that..."
…...If it's possible to have a verbal rape-face, I think that was it. Although, thankfully, he's probably at least a little distracted by now...
DarthLeatherTush: "Get off, ya friggin' perv!"
Roll onto my back, one swift kick to the abdominal section, and the guy backs off just enough for me to wriggle my way out. Now that I'm successfully on my feet, I think I'll give him a good roundhouse to the face, just to make sure. Ah, the sweet crunch and subsequent thud as my foot connects to his cheek, landing Mr. Perverted Mugger solidly on his tail. Now that I'm able to get a good look at him, I can see that he actually does, in fact, have a tail. How quaint.
This guy must've had a rough day; instead of leaping to his feet to try and pin me down again, he just sits there huffing, like when you've just rolled out of bed at four in the morning and can't will yourself to get up. His skin is entirely black... no, not 'black' as in African, 'black' as in the color the Shadow Realm would be if 4Kids didn't feel the need to make it less scary for little children. He's also got these really big bat wings and a mop of messy white hair that looks like it's been through a wind tunnel and a lightning storm. At the same time.
For some reason, he's dressed like an Egyptian grave robber, and he's got a sack full of goodies stolen from other players that would make Santa Claus envious. Although it seems like it would be more difficult to lug all that crap around everywhere than to actually play the game by the rules. Obviously, the guy's a raging klepto.
I guess I should take a little time to rub my victory in his face before I leave...
DarthLeatherTush: "Ha! Looks like you picked the wrong sexy Egyptian dragon to mess with, binky boy!"
The thief suddenly sits up straight and stares at me. It's actually kinda creepy...
DarthLeatherTush: "...What the frig is your problem? Don't tell me you want a re-match..."
?: "You... What's your username?"
DarthLeatherTush: "I am the all-powerful, supremely evil DarthLeatherTush! Remember it well, for in a short time I will have conquered this world and then you all shall become my Steves! Bwah ha ha ha ha!"
The thief is still staring at me. He looks like he swallowed a bucket of earthworms.
?: "...Seriously?!"
DarthLeatherTush: "Of course, seriously. Why the frig would I not be serious?"
The thief pushes himself to his feet. He still looks a little bewildered. I suppose my sheer awesomeness is just too much for him.
?: "Don't you know me?"
DarthLeatherTush: "No. Why, should I? Are you one of those people that makes abridged series?"
The thief facepalms and starts muttering to himself.
?: "I can't believe this... And to think, all this time I was under the delusion that it was impossible for humans to be this stupid..."
DLT: "Hey! Who the frig are you calling stupid?! I'll have you know I just beat the snot out of some digital astrophysicist with nothing but my brilliant demagoguery!"
The thief sneers. "Hmph. I'm surprised; 'demagoguery' is a big word. Can you tell me what it means?"
DLT: "Hey, frig off! Of course I know what it means, you... you... just who are you, anyway?!"
The thief doesn't answer at first; he just kind of strokes his chin like he's pondering something. I don't know why he'd need to ponder anything. It's a simple question.
MidKnight: "Fine, I suppose I'll tell you. I'm MidKnight, the King of Thieves! And I, too, plan on conquering this virtual world at some point."
Ah... it would seem I've got competition. I didn't know there would be this many people playing an online RPG with the primary intention of taking over the world.
DLT: "Not if I conquer it first, frig-face!"
The thief crosses his arms and rolls his eyes. "Hmph. Not a chance. You only just started playing this game today! You have absolutely no EXP, and the only thing you've defeated thus far would appear to be the tutorial. Besides, I've been stealing everything from weaponry to other players' quests for over three months now, and so far the only thing I've managed to conquer is a certain shrubbery. I named it Winston."
DLT: "Well, if you're having such a difficult time, why don't you recruit any henchmen or anything?"
MidKnight: "Henchmen? Please. Unlike you, I detest the idea of relying totally on hordes of mindless slaves to do my bidding. They're so terribly dull. Besides, I prefer working alone. I like to do all the killing and maiming myself..."
Now it's my turn to cross my arms. "Humph. Well, I was going to offer to form an evil alliance with you, but if that's the case, then I suppose I'll just have to beat the snot out of you and snatch that oversized doggie-bag."
MidKnight: "Heh... while I would like to see you try, I'm afraid there are more important people out there who are just begging me to rob them blind."
DLT: "More important?! Nobody's more important than me! Fine, frig you! You're not worth my time either, MidPeasant!"
And with that, I turn my back on the thief and dramatically take my leave. I guess I'll just find somebody else to battle-
MidKnight: "Wait!"
DLT: "What now?"
MidKnight: "Well, the bad pun on my username aside, I suppose it wouldn't be too much of a hassle for me to take you up on your offer..."
DLT: "The one where I beat the snot out of you?"
MidKnight: "No, you fool! The one where we... ah... temporarily align our purposes towards the achievement of a common goal."
DLT: "You mean 'work together'?"
MidKnight: "No! …..er, yes. But only as two very evil acquaintances."
DLT: "Agreed. If I hear the word 'friendship' one more time, I might explode."
MidKnight: "That would be hilarious."
DLT: "Frig you."
And thus, a shady alliance has been formed. I'm pretty sure we'll both just spend all of our time waiting for an opportunity to stab each other in the back, but at least I've laid out some objectives for myself. Objective number one is obviously to rule T.O.M.E. Therefore, it follows that I'll have to get rid of this guy eventually. But over the years, I've learned how to manipulate people pretty darn well... even without my Millennium Rod. I'll probably be able to use him for something... ha ha ha ha ha...
DLT: "So, where do we start?"
MidKnight: "Somehow I knew you wouldn't have any kind of plan. *sigh* I suppose we should start by looking around for somebody to rob..."
DLT: "Is that all you do?! We'll never conquer this world if we just go around taking things! It's about politics and territory and influence! Besides, when have you ever read a fantasy book where the idiot roadside bandits come into any serious power?"
MidKnight: "Well then, where the bloody h*** are we supposed to start, oh wise and esteemed colleague?"
DLT: "Well, thank you for the compliment..."
MidKnight: "Sarcasm, Marik."
DLT: "I wasn't finished, you friggin'- ...Wait, how the frig do you know my name?!"
MidKnight: "...um. Well, ah, I don't know, you just, ah... look like a 'Marik'. To me. Yes."
DLT: "Ah, okay. Anyway, I was going to say, before you interrupted me, that I think we should start by taking over some outlying villages or something. That's the easiest way to get some big chunks of land and raw resources to work with. Plus, we can start forcibly recruiting people for our soon-to-be-vast army of terror."
MidKnight: "The fact that your plan actually makes logical sense worries me... but this is T.O.M.E. Players just walk around and interact; they don't have any kind of houses or settlements here. The only thing close to a village would be ;MechCity."
DLT: "Okay, well, we'll just have to start off slightly bigger. No worries."
MidKnight: ";MechCity is one-third of the entire planet."
DLT: "...oh."
MidKnight: "Yeah."
DLT: "Well, then, the next-best option is to enslave some random people and start building a fortress. Or find an especially large building and commandeer it. We obviously need some kind of home base from which to manage our operations."
MidKnight: "That may be a good idea... I've been hearing rumors about a mansion that's supposed to be off-limits. It's supposedly at the edge of ;Lavendera."
DLT: "Great plan, except ;Lavendera has, like, a million edges. How the heck are we supposed to find this place?!"
MidKnight: "One of the players I robbed told me three people know where it is..."
DLT: "Excellent! Now all we have to do is hunt them down and torture them until they confess! What are their usernames?"
MidKnight: "GameCrazed, Kirbopher, and... oh, what was the other one? Let me think... it was really weird..."
DLT: "ShadyVox? CardGamesFTW? Takahata101?"
MidKnight: "Those people don't play T.O.M.E.!"
DLT: "I was just trying to jog your memory! Jeez!"
MidKnight: "Well, you're not helping! …...Agh, what was it?!"
DLT: "Um, while you do that, I'm gonna go over there and check out the view."
MidKnight: "It's all the same shade of purple."
DLT: "Does this face look like it gives a frig?"
Well, I'm walking away now. I can't believe I have to suspend my evil doings because this guy can't remember a username. I guess I'll just have a look around...
Huh... that's weird... I think there's somebody over there. He's pretty far-off, so he kinda just looks like a green blob with some orange stuff on top. Hold on... I've got an idea. Even though we don't know the third player's name, I can probably at least find out where the other two are from this guy. Yeah, that should work...
DLT: "Hey! Excuse me! I need some help..."
The guy starts walking towards me. As he gets closer, I can see he's some sort of dragon/lizard/thing.
?: Might I be of assistance to thee, squire?
What the- ?! I don't know who the heck this guy is, but his voice sounds distinctly familiar. In fact, it sounds just like... the Pharaoh! Frig! I need to find Bakura so we can steal his leather pants before he has a chance to use his power... wait, but Bakura isn't here, and... and...
DLT: "You're not wearing pants!"
?: I beg your pardon?
DLT: "You're not wearing any pants! What happened to leather being the source of your power?! Are you trying to trick me or something, Pharaoh?!"
?: My apologies, squire, but I believe thou art DREADFULLY confused, for I have not even an inkling of who this Pharaoh person is, or why he might need this leather you speak of.
DLT: "Wait , so you're not...?"
Crap in a bucket! Now my evil plan is probably ruined! I need to convince him that I'm friendly, not shout random accusations!
DLT: "Oh jeez, I am so sorry! I really thought you were somebody else..."
?: Not to worry, squire, for I, NNNNYLOCKE! DRAGON OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY! have experienced this scenario on more than one occasion.
DLT: "So, wait, what's your username?"
Nylocke: I am... NNNNYLOCKE! DRAGON OF THE COLD STEEL!, a noble dragon who journeys throughout this land, seeking to vanquish evil and defend the pure of heart!
Great... a friggin' Medieval roleplayer. I can't stand these nutjobs...playing nice is going to be a lot more difficult than I'd initially anticipated...
DLT: "Oh, wow! Sounds exciting! Well, if you're not too busy adventuring, do you think you could help me out a little? I'm really new here, so..."
Nylocke: Why, certainly, squire! Never fear, for I, NNNNYLOCKE! MASTER OF HELPING THOSE IN NEED! would be more than happy to assist thee! By the way, wouldst thou mind introducing thyself?
DLT: "Oh, right! I'm DarthLeatherTush."
Nylocke: Oh... uh... that's very... inventive! A pleasure to meet you, squire! Now, what be thy query?
DLT: "Well, it's like this... I have a friend I met outside T.O.M.E., and I've been trying to find him. But he doesn't know I play this game yet, so I have no idea where he'll be. Do you think you could help me find him?"
Nylocke: Ah... easier said than done... but not to worry, I'm sure that we shall find him eventually! Pray tell, what is thy friend's username?
DLT: "Um, I think he said it was Kirbopher..."
Nylocke: Really? Thou art friends with squire Kirbopher? Well, it seems our task shall'nt be so arduous, after all! He and I have gotten to know each other quite well in this world, and we have already planned to meet in the shining metropolis of ;MechCity. In fact, I was just making my way there as I encountered thee! Perhaps thou may'st join me!
Heh... it would appear that this is a small world... these developments only make my plan that much easier. Although, now that I think about it, I should probably get MidKnight caught up on this somehow... I almost forgot about him.
DLT: "Thanks, that sounds great! Do you think my friend could come, too? I forgot to mention this, but there's another person here with me, and we were both looking for Kirb. He got frustrated, so he's somewhere over there..."
Nylocke: Ah, the more, the merrier! Let us retrieve thy frustrated comrade and then be off!
DLT: "Thank you so much! I hope it's not too much trouble..."
Nylocke: Nay, it is nary any trouble at all, squire! Now come, where is thy companion?
DLT: "Over here, in the woods."
Nylocke: Splendid! WOOSH!
Wow, he's fast. Holy frig. Heh... for a guy who seems pretty strong, he sure is quite an easy dupe. It seems like my evil plan is going perfectly... bwa ha ha ha ha...
Okay, now we're in the woods. Time to find the kleptomaniac...
DLT: "Let's see... the last time I saw him, he was over here somewhere..."
Nylocke: Hark! Methinks I hear a voice coming from up yonder!
DLT: "...yeah, I hear it too! It's angry and British, so that must be him."
I can hear MidKnight muttering to himself, so he's gotta be close. I'll just push this shrub out of my way and...
DLT: "Found him!"
Nylocke: Excellent!
The thief's sitting on a rock in the middle of a small clearing, looking bummed. Of course, as soon as he notices me he jumps up and acts all mad.
MidKnight: "What in the world took you so bloody long?! Did you honestly think you can just ditch me to run off and... wait, who is that?"
Nylocke: There is no need for distress, squire! For I, NNNNYLOCKE! MASTER OF RESOLVING CONFLICTS! was simply offering thy friend assistance in thy quest; I can vouch that he did not 'ditch' thee.
MidKnight: "That's it! Nylocke!"
DLT: "Ehh?"
Nylocke: ...Hast thou heard of me?
MidKnight: "That's the name I couldn't remember! 'Nylocke!' Marik, this is the third guy!"
DLT: "Whaaat?! Seriously?!"
So Nylocke is the third person we were looking for... which means he, of course, knows where the mansion is. Heh heh heh... I guess it's time to stop playing around. I give the dragon my best evil smirk.
DLT: "Well, Nylocke, it looks like we'll have to make a small change of plans... you're going to miss your meeting with Kirbopher."
I can see the thief grinning as he realizes what's going to happen next. Nylocke, on the other hand, looks significantly less cheerful.
Nylocke: W- What exactly do you mean by that...?
MidKnight: "He means that you're coming with us."
Well, I gotta give the thief credit; he's pretty good at what he does. He's got our companion in a rear choke-hold before the dragon could even reach for his sword. The thief lifts up a claw and brandishes it next to the dragon's left eye.
MidKnight: "Well, NNNNYLOCKE! DRAGON OF DISGRACE!, it looks like you are officially our hostage. As such, there will be no screaming, kicking, biting, punching, whining, or crying for mum."
DLT: "Don't forget wooshing. Woosh and you're dead."
MidKnight: "...woosh?"
DLT: "Don't ask."
MidKnight: "Right. Anyway, if we catch you misbehaving... well, let's just say that I so happen to be MMMMIDKNIGHT! MASTER OF RIPPING PEOPLE'S EYEBALLS OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS! It's a hobby of mine..."
The dragon struggles to free himself, but it's useless. As he claws at MidKnight's surprisingly solid biceps, gasping for air, he turns and glares at me.
Nylocke: T- TREACHERY! Thou... detestable villain! Thou shan't... get away with this!
I feel myself grinning. This is the best part...
DLT: "We already have, you naive fool! And this is only the beginning..."
I think I'll lean in really, really close to him. That seems to add dramatic effect when threatening people... at least in the movies, anyway.
DLT: "Now get us to the mansion, Nylocke, or I'll make you feel pain in places you didn't even know you had..."
MidKnight: "Um, just so you know, this is a GAME. You can't really hurt him at all."
I see the dragon breathe a sigh of relief. Friggin' dipstick! Why did he have to go and ruin my moment like that?!
DLT: "Well, maybe it would have been so graphic that he would get sick!"
MidKnight: "Somehow, that doesn't strike me as highly likely."
DLT: "Look, it doesn't really matter! The idea was to scare him, you knobhead! Now how are we going to get anything out of him?!"
MidKnight: "How should I bloody know?! This was your idiotic plan! You should've planned for this!"
DLT: "Yeah, well, you didn't think of it either, Einstein!"
MidKnight: "I assumed that you'd have some idea of how you planned to proceed once we found him! I obviously can't trust you with anything! And furthermore-"
DLT: "MidKnight! Your arm!"
Idiot! In arguing with me, the thief loosened his hold on Nylocke!
DLT: "Grab him! Before he can-"
Nylocke: WOOSH!
And in the space of approximately two seconds, that stupid friggin' dragon is completely and utterly gone.
DLT: "You let him woosh! I told you not to let him woosh!"
MidKnight: "...so that's what 'wooshing' is..."
DLT: "Yes, you friggin' butthole! Now thanks to your failure, we have not only lost our best chance at starting our evil campaign for world domination, but we've also let a witness get away!"
MidKnight: "Oh, please, what's he going to do? Call the admins? The worst that can happen is that we'll get banned and have to make new accounts."
DLT: "...Fine, I suppose you're right. Although I still have this really bad feeling..."
MidKnight: "Look, we just have to find him again and give it another go. It can't be too bloody difficult to find a guy like him..."
DLT: "It's no good; he'll be expecting us. Although... he did tell me where Kirbopher is..."
MidKnight: "Well, then, I suppose we'll just find him, then. Now try not to screw this up..."
DLT: "I'm not the one who let go of the prisoner, frig-for-brains!"
Suddenly, this ear-piercing siren starts blaring from all directions! What the frig?!
DLT: "What is that?!"
MidKnight: "How would I know?!"
?: Halt. Do not move.
Huh..?! This voice just popped out of nowhere! Where have I heard it before...?
?: Players MidKnight and DarthLeatherTush, you are now under investigation. Remain where you are. I will hear your testimonies, and determine if you have violated any of the T.O.M.E. regulations pursuant to player interaction as listed under Section 25 of the Terrain of Magical Expertise Player Rules and Regulations. If found guilty, your accounts will be erased.
Tch... I swear I know that voice...
DLT: "Hey! I have the right to face my accuser directly!"
?: Actually, you do not. Since this is a game rather than a federal court, court laws do not apply. Any sensible person would know this.
DLT: "Just come out where I can see you, frig-face!"
?: As you wish.
There's someone coming out of the woods to my right. He's kinda pixelated, but I think I can see... oh Ra. No way... it's...
DLT: "Kaiba-bot?!"
TO BE CONTINUED...