That evening:
Shane was laying half on and half off of the bed, with several pillows covering the back of her head. Her exposed leg hung lazily over the edge of the bed, her long left arm dangling over the floor. When her phone started to ring she awoke with a lazy startle and aimlessly reached towards the nightstand next to her bed trying to stop what she thought was the alarm clock. After a few seconds of searching she realized it was her phone. "Shit" she grunted, rolling over and grabbing the phone from the nightstand, pillows flying everywhere.
"Yeah" she answered in a somewhat grumpier tone than she meant.
"Well what the fuck is wrong with you?" asked Alice.
"I was sleeping, Al" replied Shane.
"Right. Well look are you still coming to Hit! tonight?" asked Alice. Shane groaned thoughtlessly and before she could answer Alice continued, "Look if you're gonna be like that you can stay your ass home. I don't care. I just thought you might have wanted to see Helena and Dylan."
Shane almost had half a mind to tell Alice to go fuck herself, but she knew Alice had taken a rude tone with her because she thought she was in the middle of fucking some random girl. "No, no, Al. I am coming. I'm just tired that's all. What time is it?" asked Shane, but before she gave Alice enough time to answer she glanced at the clock on her wall and read 8:15pm. "Ah fuck" she muttered, knowing that she would have to hurry in order to beat the rush.
"Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be there. Just give me 20 minutes to get ready" said Shane.
"Okay. Better hurry your ass up. This place is packed already" Alice replied.
With the exchange of good byes they hung up and Shane flopped back down onto the bed. She sighed and shot at a glance at her closet, not pleased with the prospect of getting up and getting dressed. The only place Shane wanted to be was in her bed.
Shane parked her jeep in the small parking lot at the back of the club. Kit always let them park in the back lot, even though it meant having to turn away club goers trying to do the same thing.
Shane checked her hair in the rearview mirror before getting out and locking the door behind her. Even though the lack of sleep made her look somewhat like a zombie, she felt rather pleased with her appearance. She was wearing a black blazer with a black t-shirt, a pair of worn but decent looking jeans, and her black chuck taylors; she was too lazy to find her boots.
When she reached the front of the club, Shane felt like she had walked into an angry mob. It was clear the club was packed, and judging by the line forming outside, it wasn't going to be empty any time soon. "Fuck" she sighed before making her way towards the back of the line. Normally Kit would be standing by the door and she wouldn't have to worry about waiting, but Kit was nowhere to be seen.
"Shane!" a familiar voice called. "Shane!"
Shane turned around to locate the voice "Helena!" She smiled wide and gave Helena a warm hug. "Oh my god, how are you? It seems like it's been forever. How was your trip?" Shane was eager to know every detail of Helena and Dylan's trip to Portland. They went to film some scenes for Dylan's new movie project, but Shane had a feeling they spent more time doing something that wasn't filming.
"Oh, it was great! It was great, Shane! I'll tell you all about it as soon as we get inside" said Helena looking around at the line that was already stretching a good ways down the street. "You would think these people haven't been to a nightclub in ages."
When they got inside the club it was almost impossible to move. If Shane wasn't claustrophobic now, she felt like she might be by the end of the night.
"Helena! Hey! Helena!" Shane heard Alice yelling. "You guys! Over here!" Shane looked to her right where Alice's voice had come from and spotted Alice sitting in one of the VIP areas. Shane gave Helena a nudge and pointed to where Alice was at. "You go ahead" Helena said, "I'm gonna see if I can get us some drinks. Are you coming, Dylan?" Helena asked, but it was clear Helena already knew the answer.
"Okay. I'll send a flare up so you can find us" Shane replied, half yelling. Damn the club was loud.
"Hey, Al" Shane greeted, giving her friend a hug as she sat down next to her on the big lounge couch. Shane knew at once that she would have to find somewhere else to sit. The couch was far too comfortable and she was far too tired; falling asleep would be inevitable. "Where's Tasha?"
"She's up in the security room watching the camera monitors for Kit. It's been hard keeping an eye on this place tonight" replied Alice.
"I bet. This place is fucking crazy tonight. What the fuck?" half-asked Shane. She really didn't care for the answer.
"Apparently some big DJ is here or something…. I dunno. I just know it's fucking loud in here" said Alice, practically yelling over the music. "So hey, you look like hell" she said as she glanced at Shane. She hadn't seen her friend look this bad in a while.
Shane was searching the DJ booth looking for the supposed cause of all the madness but she only saw the familiar face of Sonny from Sunset Boulevard. "I don't know, Al. I don't see anyone new up there spinning" stated Shane.
"Yeah, no, they're not spinning they're just here in the club. So are you going to answer my question or what?" asked Alice, annoyed at her friend's reluctance to talk about the cause of her downtrodden appearance.
"I didn't know it was a question" said Shane. She really didn't want the topic of the evening to be her sleeping problems. "I'm fine, Alice, really. I just haven't been getting any sleep lately. I'll be fine, I promise" she told her friend. "You know how it is" she said, giving Alice a look that Alice understood completely. Alice figured she had a good idea of what was keeping Shane awake at night, but she wasn't going to pry.
Alice nodded "Okay. I just want to make sure you're okay, yeah? You know I worry about you" said Alice, smiling at her friend.
Shane relaxed back into her seat and put her hand on Alice's shoulder, returning the smile "I know, Al."
"Okay we're here and we come bearing gifts" said Helena. She and Dylan had finally reached the area where Shane and Alice were sitting, and they were carrying a platter full of beers.
"Damn, Helena, there's only 5 of us" said Alice jokingly as she looked at the abundance of drinks.
"Well I don't know if you noticed, Alice, but it's a madhouse out there, and I'm certainly not fighting that crowd to go get another beer" replied Helena, smirking.
Shane helped Helena sit the drinks down on the big oval table in the middle of their lounge and took a seat in a chair that looked much more uncomfortable than the couch she and Alice had been sitting on. When she sat down she realized she was right. The chair felt like it was made of cloth taped to a plywood board. There was no way she would be able to fall asleep sitting here.
She took a beer off of the platter and let herself slide down into the chair. "So, how about that trip?" she asked Helena.
"Oh yes! The trip! Alice, Shane, you have got to come with us when we go back. It was amazing!" exclaimed Helena. "Dylan found some of the most beautiful spots to film. I think this whole thing is going to turn out just wonderful" she said as she shot Dylan a smile. Shane chuckled. "What?" Helena asked.
"Nothing" replied Shane giving her an "I-know-what-you-two-did" smile. She knew her hunch had been right; Helena and Dylan had spent more time fucking than filming on their trip. "Some movie it's gonna be" thought Shane.
Helena laughed "So what have you been doing while we were gone? Fucking random girls again?" Helena asked teasing. "By the looks of it you should try to actually sleep with random girls, Shane. It might do you some good."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah" Shane said as she laughed. She spread out more comfortably in her chair and leaned back as she took another sip of beer. Alice, Helena, and Dylan were rapidly becoming wrapped up in conversation, and as she sat and sipped her beer she thought about slipping out of sight and leaving. Bed was the only place she wanted to be, and sleeping was the only thing she wanted to be doing…
"Shane!"
"Shane!"
"SHANE!" cried the voices of Helena, Dylan, Alice, and Tasha in unison.
"What? What?!" Shane said as she sat up quickly, startled at her friends yelling and annoyed at the sudden loudness of the music.
"What the fuck?!" Alice yelled at her. Tasha rolled her eyes at Alice's reaction and then knelt down in front of Shane.
"You alright, McCutcheon?" Tasha asked.
"Yeah, yeah. I think so. What happened? Did I fall asleep?" asked Shane, still totally unaware of what was going on.
"Or passed out. You're not back fucking with that shit again, are you?" asked Tasha in an interrogating tone.
"What? No. I'm sorry. I must have fell asleep" she replied, but she could tell Tasha wasn't buying it. As she scanned her friends faces, she realized they weren't buying it either. She sat up straighter in her chair "Guys it's just insomnia, I promise. It's nothing more than that. I'm just tired" she said pleadingly. She didn't need, nor want, her friends thinking she was doing drugs again. "I promise guys. I just need some sleep" she said, addressing all of her friends at once.
Tasha stood up and reached out to help Shane do the same. "Tasha…" Shane said in a low voice but Tasha put a hand up and stopped her. "I know" she said to Shane, giving her friend an understanding nod. "Just don't scare us like that again, okay?" Tasha said smiling. She gave Shane a nudge then made her way over to where Alice was standing by the big couch.
"I gotta go back up to the security room and keep an eye on things" she told Alice, giving her a small kiss. "Okay baby" Alice replied, returning the kiss. Shane inwardly groaned at how cute they were together. "How sweet" she thought.
Tasha set off down the steps of the VIP area but she stopped on the last step and turned to face Shane "No more naps" she said with a small laugh.
Shane laughed and nodded as she replied "No more naps." She turned and picked up a beer off of the table and opened it. As she took a sip she looked at the chair she had been sitting in "you weren't supposed to let me fall asleep" she thought.
"Well if you're done with the snoozefest I say we should go dance" said Alice.
Shane turned and looked at the crowd. "Really, Al? You want to throw yourself into that shark tank?" asked Shane, but she knew her friend was trying to get her to move around a bit; get the blood flowing. She sighed. "Okay, let's go" she said, taking her friend's hand and leading her down the lounge area steps.
"So are you going to tell me what's going on?" asked Alice. They had been dancing for what felt like forever, but the clock on Shane's phone told her it had only been 30 minutes.
"Well are you?" Alice asked again. She was giving Shane one of those "your-ass-better-tell-me" looks, and Shane knew she didn't have much of a choice.
"Nightmares" stated Shane as she took a swig of beer and tried to keep up with the beat of the song. Apparently people got mad if you stood in the middle of dancefloor talking.
"Again? But you haven't had those in a while" replied Alice. Her guess from earlier had been right, so there was no need to ask what, or who, the nightmares were about.
"Yeah, well, they're back" said Shane.
"How often?" asked Alice, worry written all over her face.
"Little over a month. They weren't so bad to start out with, but lately they haven't been worth going to sleep for" said Shane.
"Well Shane! You can't just keep yourself awake because you're afraid to fall asleep! You need to find something that helps keeping you from having them" stated Alice.
"Do you really think I haven't tried already, Alice?" asked Shane, her voice dripping sarcasm.
Alice stopped dancing for a second before realizing what she had said "Yeah, sorry."
"Look, Al, my feet hurt really bad, can we please go sit?" Shane begged.
"Alice I'm tired. Alice my feet hurt. Alice I'm a big baby" Alice said in a mocking voice. "God, Shane, I remember when you used to be fun."
Shane laughed and moved closer to her friend. She spun Alice around so that they were dancing back to front. "What? No. I'm still fun" she said into Alice's ear.
Alice turned back around to face Shane, rolling her eyes but beaming a huge smile. "So no drugs, right?" she asked.
"No drugs, Alice" Shane answered.
"Promise?" asked Alice. She really didn't want to see Shane go back to dealing with her problems by getting high.
"I promise. Pinky promise" Shane said matter-of-factly as she held out her pinky, which Alice took smiling. Had it been a year ago, Shane wouldn't have been able to make that promise.
As her and Alice continued to dance, Shane got lost in her thoughts. She recalled how she had always turned to drugs and sex to handle her issues. She remembered the long recovery she had after Jenny's death. How she had felt so many different emotions after that night she tried everything to numb the pain. She thought about how 4 years ago she had turned to drugs and fucking Jenny to get over losing Molly. And she thought back to 6 years ago when she ran away to Cherie Jaffie's house so she could fuck and snort away the pain from leaving…
"Carmen" it came out as a statement but it was meant as a question. It had been 3 years since the last time Shane seen her, but it was no mistaking that it was definitely her.
"What?" Alice asked, completely caught off-guard.
"Carmen" Shane said again.
She wasn't sure if her mind was playing tricks on her or if she had really just seen what she thought she had seen, but she could have sworn that she just caught a glimpse of the Latina dancing in the crowd.
"What? Shane?" Alice asked again, still very confused.
"She's here, Alice" she replied.
"What? What do you mean? Are you sure?" Alice was scanning the crowd now, standing on her tiptoes trying to get a better view. Shane, on the other hand, stood frozen with her eyes transfixed on the place she thought she seen her.
"I don't know Shane, I can't see her. I mean, you really can't see anybody in this fucking place. Are you sure it was her?" asked Alice, still trying to spot Carmen.
Shane thought about it for a minute. She was just thinking about her. And she wasn't exactly in the best state of mind either. Certainly falling asleep in the middle of a booming nightclub proved that. Shane finally blinked and coming out of her trance she responded with a small "No."
"No. Maybe it wasn't. Probably just someone that looked like her" Shane said, but as she said it she wanted to laugh. Look like Carmen? Impossible. Carmen was one of a kind.
"I think maybe my head is just fucking with me" stated Shane. "I should leave. Go get some sleep."
Alice looked at her friend, worry still painted all over her face "Yeah, I think you should. But I don't think you should drive. No way, Shane. You're taking a cab."
Shane laughed and rolled her eyes. "Alice I'll be fine. It's a 5 minute drive, and if it makes you feel any better I'll text you as soon as I get home" Shane said.
"Okay but-"
"No buts. I'll text you as soon as I get home, okay?" It was a question but it came out more in the form of a statement. Shane didn't want to spend time arguing about making a quick drive back home.
"Okay" Alice replied reluctantly. "As soon as you get home, though. No fucking excuses, McCutcheon."
Shane smiled and gave her friend a hug. "As soon as I get home. Promise." Promises, she seemed to be making a lot of those tonight.
Shane set off towards the rear exit of the club and looked down at her phone. The time on it read 2:30 AM, and she sighed, knowing that if she did get any sleep tonight it wouldn't be much. Bette and Tina and the kids were flying in tomorrow morning, and there was no way she was going to miss being there at the airport to see them when they got in.
She finally made her way out of the club and to her Jeep. When she climbed in the driver's seat and cranked the ignition she took a minute to look back towards the club, hoping the person she saw wasn't just a figment of her imagination.
5 minutes later she was climbing the steps to the front door of her house, cell phone in one hand, keys in the other. When she entered she made her way to the kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the fridge before heading towards her room. She doubted it would get drunk, but she couldn't help the habit of coming home and grabbing a beer. It was what she had always done.
She sent a quick text to Alice before heading to her bedroom. "Got home safe. See you tomorrow." It wasn't much but she didn't feel like writing a novel right now.
She didn't make any attempts to turn on any lights, stumbling her way down the hall and into her bedroom instead. When she was there she turned on the small lamp that stood on the nightstand by her bed, sitting the beer down beside it. With the exception of the white wifebeater she wore under her t-shirt and her white Hugo Boss underwear, she tore off all of her clothes and threw herself onto the bed. She rolled over on her back and let out a long sigh before clicking off the lamp on the nightstand.
Before she fell asleep she half-sighed the last thought she had: "Carmen."
The Latina's moans were growing loud and her breathing was erratic, but she didn't want to send her over the edge just yet. No, she wanted to tease her; she wanted to hear her beg for it. She wanted to hear her say…
"Shane… please…" she moaned it but it sounded undeniably like she was begging.
"Please what?" Shane asked. She was towering over Carmen, with her left hand on Carmen's face and her right slowly teasing small strokes around the place where Carmen wanted her so badly. Every so often she would rub the Latina's legs, and then up towards her hips, making Carmen wonder what she was waiting on. She knew Shane wanted it just as bad as she did.
"Please what?" Shane asked again more aggressively as she softly bit Carmen's bottom lip. She wanted to hear her say it.
"Fuck me, Shane, please" Carmen begged.
"Hmm" said Shane as she lowered her face towards Carmen's and kissed her, giving the Latina a mouth full of tongue. She slowly eased out the kiss and smirked. "If you say so" and with two fingers she quickly entered Carmen, sucking on her neck as she did so.
"Oh… my… god… " Carmen breathed out. "Sh-Sha- SHANE!" Carmen yelled as she finally fell over the edge.
Shane smirked and gave her a gentle yet passionate kiss as Carmen struggled to catch her breath. Shane lowered her forehead against Carmen's giving her another kiss "I love you" she said, but she didn't get one in return. Carmen wasn't there. Just like that she disappeared.
Quickly Shane jumped out of bed and threw on her clothes, yelling her name as she ran through the house "CARMEN! CARMEN!"
She ran down the steps and out onto the street, searching frantically for a sign of the woman she loved. "CARMEN!" she screamed.
She started running down the street in the direction of The Planet, hoping that when she got there she would find Carmen with the rest of her friends, sitting around drinking coffee.
She busted through the door of The Planet but it was deserted. Like everything else, it was a ghost town. "CARMEN!" she yelled again.
She turned around and was face to face with her, in that same beautiful gown she wore the night of their meant-to-be wedding. "Carmen…" Shane's voiced trailed off as she reached out towards her, thankful to have found her, but Carmen simply turned and walked away.
"No, Carmen! Wait… please…" Shane called after her but Carmen continued to walk down the street, never thinking twice about looking back. Shane started to run after her, but no matter how fast she ran Carmen was just out of reach.
"Carmen please! Please! I mean it… Carmen I mean it… I love you" Shane tried with all her might to yell the words but as she said it Carmen disappeared, and she broke down. Standing frozen in the middle of the street, Shane's tears came down like a thunderstorm.
"Carmen… Carmen…"
Shane sat bolt upright in her bed, cold sweat dripping off her body everywhere. Glancing at the other side of the bed she tried to catch her breath. It was just a dream. Only a dream.
She scanned the room looking for any sign that it had, in fact, not been a dream, but there was no sign of the sort to be found. She glanced at the other side of the bed again, and she knew why part of her didn't want it to be just a dream. She was entirely too familiar with the feeling to not know why. Carmen had been here, in her bed, in her arms again.
"Carmen" Shane sighed, and coming to her senses she finally heard the loud banging at the front door.
"SHANE! Get your ass up! We gotta go get Bette and Tina!" Alice yelled. "If you don't wake the fuck up I'm gonna stick my foot up your ass when you finally do!"
Shane sighed and ran her hand through her hair, glancing again at the far side of the bed. "Shit" she muttered.
AN: Hope the direction I'm trying to go in is more apparent in this chapter.
I'm trying to figure out a way to keep readers informed of the timeline of events, as I realized after posting it may seem like it skips around a bit.
As always, feedback is always welcomed! & Thank you so much for reading!