Welcome to parenthood Neal silently mused as he watched Peter pace anxiously in the small waiting room. Jason was going to be fine but they took him down to x-rays just to rule out a concussion. Peter was outwardly calm but Neal saw the signs of his anxiety in his clenched jaw and the tone of his voice as he assured Elizabeth it wasn't serious enough for her to drive to the hospital.
Neal's unspoken task was to keep Charlie occupied; after they both grew bored with Tic Tac Toe, Neal started to teach him to draw.
"I'm hungry." Charlie slid off the chair and approached Peter. "Daddy, can I get something to eat?" Peter look at Neal.
"I'll take him" Neal managed to get up with the aid of his crutch. He walked by Peter and took a twenty from the agent. "Come on." He ushered the child towards the cafeteria.
"I broke my arm once."
"You did?"
Charlie nodded as he stopped and waited for Neal to catch up. "I fell out of a tree but I don't remember much. I was little at the time."
"What do you want?" Neal asked as Charlie glanced at the different menus. He shrugged and then looked at Neal.
"How hungry are you?"
"I don't know."
Neal bit his lip as he checked the selections. "How about some chips?"
Charlie shrugged again. Neal was beginning to lose his patience. He walked up to the cashier and ordered a bag of chips, a small popcorn and a bottle of water.
"Hold this." He gave Charlie the chips and water and he managed to keep the popcorn upright as he slowly made his way on the crutches.
By the time they returned, Jason was back and Peter was at the counter filling out paperwork.
Neal deposited Charlie next to his brother and then neared the agent.
"All ok?"
Peter nodded. "The x-rays were negative but it took ten stitches to close the cut." Peter smiled as he signed the last page. "He'll probably have a nice shiner he can show off at school Monday. Do you want to come back for lunch?" Peter glanced over his shoulder. "Don't worry, those two will be starving by the time we get home."
"I don't think I can."
"Why?" Peter looked at him. "Are you feeling ok?"
"I'm fine..." Neal leaned against the counter and refused to say more.
Peter studied him until the receptionist started talking to him again. A few minutes later they all headed out of the hospital.
The drive home was quiet; Charlie had fallen asleep and Jason munched on the popcorn. Neal was sullen and Peter was more than curious. He decided to drop the boys off before taking Neal back; he pulled into the driveway and gently woke up Charlie.
"I'll be back in a minute" he said before walking away. Neal saw Elizabeth meet them at the door and without looking at Neal she ushered her family in.
Neal closed his eyes; he was tired but it was more than that. He was alone and he was envious of Peter. He wanted what the agent had and he had no idea how that would happen. So lost in thought he didn't realize that Peter was in the car until the agent called his name...twice.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay for lunch?"
"No." Neal stared out the window as Peter pulled away. It was a quiet neighborhood of single family homes with kids and dogs running around the front yards.
To Neal it was paradise; something he never knew and rarely thought about when he was younger. In the back of his mind he knew it was something he would have when the time was right; that was then. Now...he wasn't sure he would find love again.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"And now you're lying." Peter turned and pulled into one of his favorite delis.
"Peter, just take me back. I'm sure Jason needs you."
Peter laughed. "Jason is fine. He's trying to figure out how to exaggerate his injury to impress his friends. Let's go." Peter jumped out and waited for Neal to follow.
"The turkey club is fantastic" Peter said once they were seated.
They both ordered that and a diet soda. Once the waitress left Peter eyed his friend. "Spill it" he said as Neal turned away. "What's wrong with you?"
Neal covered his face and took a deep breath before finally facing the agent. "I'm jealous ok? I see what you have and I see what I have...and please don't tell me life choices."
"I don't need to tell you what you already know." Peter sipped his water. "Neal you have a place with us for as long as you want."
"Why?" Neal crossed his arms and glared at Peter. "You have the perfect family...why take me in? I'm not some orphaned child that needs a family."
"You're not a child Neal" Peter stated quietly. "But you do need a family and yes, I'm offering mine for as long as you want." Peter paused when the waitress returned with their orders. The agent grabbed a French fry and plopped it into his mouth. "I'm not allowed to eat these in front of El" he said with a smile as he grabbed another one.
"Neal if you have another option I won't stop you..."
Peter took a bite of his sandwich with his eyes on his former partner.
"Yeah. Lots of options" Neal muttered. He glanced out the window with a sigh, wilting a bit under the agent's steady gaze. Options Neal mused as he watched a family walk by with two huge dogs. Go back to being an FBI consultant...with pay, or back to his conning ways. It was hard to imagine doing that on one leg and without Mozzie's help.
Fall in love...Neal managed a weary smile; not likely considering his past and his newly acquired disability.
"Neal..." The younger man turned Peter's way. "No other options" Neal whispered as he picked up his sandwich and took a healthy bite.
"Have you considered the job offer?"
Neal nodded. He had and he wasn't opposed to it; he just wasn't sure it was what he wanted to do.
"And?"
Peter wasn't going to drop the subject.
"Neal, it's not a life sentence. In fact I won't be upset if you quit after a year. Give yourself a chance to earn some money and meet some people..." Peter paused. There really wasn't much more he could say on the subject.
"Do they know who I am?"
"They do."
"And, do they care?"
Peter smiled. "I think they're curious to meet you. They know what we did and our closure rating."
"Peter, we're not the same..."
"Sure we are." The agent laughed. "A little older, a bit grayer..."
"Less hair" Neal put forth with a twinkle in his eyes.
Peter scowled as he combed his hand through his hair. "So you've mentioned numerous times." He shrugged. "We make a good team Neal and I think it's time Burke and Caffrey ride again."
"You mean Caffrey and Burke."
"Whatever." Peter rolled his eyes. "Is that a yes?"
"It is."
Peter let out a quiet roar just as his phone rang. He glanced at the message with a frown.
"Peter, what's wrong?"
"The boys want tacos for dinner so El sent me a grocery list."
"The excitement" Neal exclaimed as Peter gave him a dirty look.
"I wouldn't trade it for anything. Finish up and I'll drag you shopping with me."
"Oh joy" Neal whispered, though inwardly he still longed for the mundane life that Peter had. Silently they finished up their lunch.
It was an early Monday morning when Neal was finally released and Peter picked him up, patiently waiting while Neal filled out the paperwork and received his rehab schedule.
He left the hospital with his temporary leg on, the crutches nearby and a walker in the back seat for use while practicing with his new leg.
Peter was quiet; never letting on what awaited Neal when they got home. He opened the door and the boys stood there with noise makers and confetti. Elizabeth welcomed him with a warn hug; she let go and Neal finally saw the banner that hung from the ceiling. Welcome Home Uncle Neal it read in bright blue letters.
"I..." Neal was speechless; an unexpected turn of events for a man who always had something to say. He glanced at Peter with tears in his eyes and a voice he knew would betray him the moment he spoke. Peter patted his back with a knowing smile before turning his attention to his screaming sons.
"More than enough" he said in a gentle voice. "Now go grab your backpacks so Mom can take you to school."
They groaned but did as they were told and with a quick goodbye to both men, they ran out of the house arguing about something.
"So..." Peter began as he nonchalantly watched as Neal wiped at his eyes. "Would you like a tour of the house?"
"Peter, I've been here before..."
"That was the old Neal" Peter interrupted as he steered his friend towards his new bedroom. "With as much pain as you were in I'm not sure you noticed anything."
Neal opened his mouth to argue but quickly decided it wasn't worth it and most likely it was the truth.
"Peter...this is" Neal paused as he took in the agent's office. A bed filled half the room; the desk was still in there but Peter had replaced his papers with a laptop and several empty pads of paper.
An easel sat in the corner and a new dresser took up the last wall space.
"We cleaned out the linen closet and I took out the shelves and hung a bar. You can use that for your clothes..."
Peter guided him out of the room. "The bathroom has a shower chair and we put in two bars that you can lean on."
Neal wordlessly followed him into the bathroom. "I have no idea what you use so we can go shopping if you'd like."
Peter turned to face him. "Feel free to say something."
Neal opened and closed his mouth...and when words failed him he pulled Peter into a bear hug, allowing his actions to speak volumes. He let go with a huge smile and watery eyes.
"I take it you're happy with the accommodations." Peter's smirk belied his own threatening tears.
Neal nodded as he again wiped his eyes. "I don't know what to say" the ex-con finally admitted. "Part of me still doesn't understand why you're going to all this trouble for me."
"Well, I guess that part is going to have to figure it out." Peter headed towards the kitchen and Neal followed.
"Hungry?" Peter hadn't eaten and he assumed Neal hadn't either. He opened the cabinet and pulled out two boxes of cereal. "Do you want the one that comes with a toy or the one for old folks like me?"
Neal chuckled as he watched Peter pour two bowls and add skim milk to each one. He put both on the table and grabbed a basket of fruit and placed it near Neal.
"I guess the days of donuts are long gone" Neal remarked as he spooned some cereal into his mouth; Peter smiled as he started up a fresh pot of coffee.
"I have young kids. I need to make sure I live long enough to get them through college." Peter grabbed two mugs and filled them with coffee and he handed one to Neal.
"Do you ever think about dying?"
Peter paused with the spoon near his mouth and stared at his friend.
"No" he stated firmly. "And don't start" Peter warned.
"I wasn't" Neal insisted. "I don't know..." he paused and swirled his spoon around the soggy cereal. "Peter, do you believe in second chances?"
"I believe in starting over."
"Peter, I'll always be grateful for this chance you're giving me..."
"I'm not giving you anything."
"Really..." Neal remarked evenly. "You opened your door and invited me in..."
"That's what you do for family."
"Not in my family" Neal countered swiftly.
Peter shrugged. "Get used to it. And don't be shocked if I ask you to babysit occasionally."
"You trust me with your kids?"
"Is there a reason I shouldn't?
Neal managed a weary smile. "I'm sure ten years ago you would have had a boat load of reasons."
"Neal, are you going somewhere with this conversation?" Peter stood and cleared the table, placing everything in the sink.
"Peter, you've changed."
Peter turned and faced the ex-con. "It's been ten years. I think we've all changed."
"Are you so sure about me?"
Peter eyed him suspiciously for several minutes before breaking out in a genuine smile. "Neal you're a free man. There's the door..." Peter wiped his hands on the towel. "I have several meetings today. While you're contemplating your future, please fill in the calendar with your rehab sessions." Peter took the calendar down and tossed it on the table along with some green colored circles.
"It's the only way we can keep track of everything. Call me if you need anything." Peter grabbed his briefcase and raced out.
Neal studied the calendar; both boys played hockey and baseball. Elizabeth took yoga twice a week and Peter bowled every other Saturday. Neal smiled as he unfolded a piece of paper and started adding his schedule.
He might be too old to need a family but for now it's what he wanted.
Peter stood off to the side and watched Neal struggle through his therapy. Two weeks after being released Neal was frustrated with his inability to walk normally on his artificial leg.
He was told it would take time and he was doing as well as expected but that didn't appease the ex-con and his resolve was crumbling along with his demeanor.
The ex-con slipped and Peter could hear him cry out in utter frustration; the agent fought against his need to run over and help. He stepped back and watched the therapist quietly talk to him, feeling like he was listening in on a private conversation, although he couldn't hear a word being said.
After several minutes Neal stood straighter and went back to work.
Peter watched for a few more minutes before retreating back to the hall and catching the elevator upstairs.
He knew he was welcomed, he had been in the past...but in the last few days Neal had retreated into himself, although he still managed to act normal around the boys.
Reaching the waiting room, Peter sat and took out his phone. He sent a message to his wife and then grabbed a magazine and flipped through it with little interest.
Another twenty minutes passed before Neal entered and neared him.
"Hey Peter."
The agent looked up and smiled. "How'd it go?"
Neal shrugged as he leaned forward, resting on the crutches.
"Just us" Peter remarked as he stood and grabbed his jacket. "Do you want to go out for dinner?"
"No." Neal limped ahead of the agent while occasionally using the crutches for support.
"Well, I want dinner. You can sit in the car or come in and watch me eat."
Neal was sullen as they entered the car. "I need a shower" he remarked, as he leaned back and closed his eyes.
"You're fine" Peter insisted as he pulled into a family diner and parked the car. "Besides we need to talk."
"That doesn't sound good" Neal quietly said as he followed the agent inside. "Did I finally wear out my welcome?"
"You mean with your sunny disposition" Peter retorted as they followed the hostess to the table.
"Peter...I'm sorry but..."
The agent cut him off with a finger. "Don't apologize. I understand...ok?"
"Do you?" Neal glanced up.
"Yes, I do." Peter met his eyes. "But I don't agree with you."
"That's a surprise" Neal remarked sarcastically as he reached for the menu and started reading through the choices.
"Hey." Peter grabbed the menu and tossed it to the side. "Neal, you don't have to be perfect..."
"I don't want to stand out."
"Since when?" Peter leaned back with a small chuckle. "You'll be fine and with time..." Peter smiled. "I need you to start working sooner than later. How about two weeks from Monday?"
Neal sat back and mirrored Peter's position; arms crossed and held tightly against his chest. "No" he quietly answered in an even tone.
"Neal, I really need the help. If you tell me no because you don't feel strong enough I'll understand. But..."
"I feel fine" Neal remarked and for the most part it was the truth. "Peter, I'm not sure I'm ready...for ten years..."
"You've been hiding, I know."
"Not hiding." Neal shook his head. "Existing. Peter, you need to give me some more time...please."
"Time for what?" Peter asked in a resigned tone.
Neal merely stared at him for a few minutes with a look that said it's obvious. But for Peter, it wasn't.
"Neal?" he prompted, needing an explanation.
"I was caged like an animal for nearly a year. I spent nine more in a room, in so much pain I did nothing but stare at a wall...do you think it's so easy to go back in the real world like nothing happened?"
"I never thought it was easy" Peter remarked with a strained smile. "That's why I suggested you see someone..." he paused with a shrug. "Neal, you can't hide in my home forever."
"I'm not hiding" Neal said defensively, a little too loudly as those around them glanced their way.
"What do you call it?" Peter quietly asked.
Neal looked away knowing he didn't have an answer. He was happy where he was and he felt secure and even love from Peter and his family but the outside world scared him...much more than he was willing to admit. Eating at a restaurant...seemingly one of Peter's favorite activities...caused him to feel uneasy at times.
"OK." Peter sat back, knowing he wasn't going to get an answer. "I won't let you trade one prison for another."
Neal was about to protest but Peter cut him off. "I will give you time but I expect you to leave the house at least once a day."
Neal took a deep breath; he could handle that, at least he hoped he could.
"Neal, there's something else."
Neal swallowed hard. "What?" he asked with much trepidation.
"Calm down" Peter said gently. "It's not bad and I'm not going to force you."
"OK." Neal sighed deeply. "What is it?"
Their conversation was briefly interrupted when the waitress came and took their order.
"Neal, I need to go New York next week for a few days of meetings and I'd like you to go with me."
Neal briefly mulled that over. "Why?" he asked.
"The truth?"
Neal nodded.
"Elizabeth is not comfortable with all the help you still require..." Peter paused with a weary smile. "My wife is amazing but helping you in and out of the shower is not high on her wish list..." he shrugged. "You can stay in the hotel if you don't feel like venturing out...but..."
"Can we visit June's grave?"
Peter sat up straighter. "Sure. Neal, we can do whatever you feel up to."
"Mozzie?"
Peter nodded. "We have time to plan a service."
"OK." Neal leaned back and studied the agent. "Peter, you know I appreciate everything you've done for me right?"
"I know." Peter smiled. "Neal all I want is for you to enjoy your new found freedom. I know it's going to take time but you'll get there."
"I will" Neal agreed. They grew silent when the food arrived and quietly ate.
"Is Jones going to be there?" Neal asked as he finished up his soup.
Peter nodded.
"I'd like to see him and Diana if possible."
"I'm sure it can be arranged." Peter chuckled. "Can you believe Diana has missed you?"
Neal smiled. "Missed shooting me maybe" he conceded. Suddenly he grew serious. "I wasn't sure I'd ever make it back to New York. I'm looking forward to it."
"Good." Peter grabbed the check and stood. "And when you start making money, you can pick up the tab."
With a good-hearted laugh, he headed to the cashier with Neal in tow.
"Peter, calm down" Diana said as she exchanged glances with Jones.
"Why the hell isn't he answering?" Peter slammed the phone on the counter as he picked up his glass of water.
"Maybe he turned his phone off. Peter, is he in any danger..?"
Peter glanced Diana's way. "You didn't see him this morning. He was agitated...I could feel the tension as we drove into the city." Peter checked the time. They had another five minutes before the break was over.
"I should have skipped this meeting..."
"Peter, you're the guest speaker they all came to hear...kind of hard to sneak out." Jones laughed at the irony.
"He doesn't get around very well."
"Peter, there are plenty of cabs" Diana countered quickly. "Come on. We'll get this over with and go find him."
Diana guided Peter towards the meeting room with Jones trailing behind. Even after all these years some things never change, although if she was honest with herself that year Neal went missing was hard on them all.
Finding Neal this time had been easy; at some point he had decided to take pity on Peter and answer his phone. Where they found him was a little surprising; sitting on a park bench not far from where he had been abducted.
Peter led the way as they approached him.
"Neal?" Peter sat down next to him and motioned for the others to come closer. "What are you doing here?"
Diana stayed back and studied him. He was thinner than she had remembered but not too thin and his blue slacks and black shoes hid the prosthetic from plain view. His hair was longer than the last time she saw him; still curly with hints of silver throughout.
A walking cane leaned against the bench within a hand's reach.
"Hey Neal." Diana greeted as she paused in front of him. Blue eyes glanced up and he broke out in a genuine smile.
Neal reached for this cane and with Peter's subtle help he was soon standing. 'Diana, you look great." He hugged her with one arm and then pulled free, offering his hand to Jones.
"Wow, like old times." Neal grinned as he glanced around.
"Neal, what are you doing here?"
"It's the place of my kidnapping" Neal said evenly. "I had to come here first..."
"And did you figure anything out?" Peter asked as they headed back, towards the car.
"No." Neal grew quiet as he concentrated on each step. Diana and Jones walked ahead and Peter stayed behind, ready to offer help if Neal stumbled. The ex-con was breathing hard by the time they reached the car but if anyone noticed no one commented.
"Where to?" Diana asked as she slid into the driver's seat.
"Anywhere quiet" Peter suggested.
"Let's pick up something and we can go back to my place. Sound ok?" After all agreed, Diana pulled out and headed towards her home.
It wasn't quiet. Not at first until Diana ushered them to the basement.
"Hey, it's finally done" Peter noted as he glanced around at the big screen TV and newly acquired pool table.
"Yes it is." Diana placed the cartons of Chinese food on the table and pulled out chop sticks from the cabinet drawer. "The kids love it down here and it gives us some peace and quiet. Sometimes" she added as an afterthought as she eyed Neal.
"Are you ok?"
He managed a weary smile. "Stairs are not my thing" he eked out between breaths before gingerly lowering himself to the sofa. Diana smiled as she noticed Peter inch closer...always there if Neal needed help.
Diana passed out the cartons of food as Peter grabbed a few cans of beer and soda from the fridge.
For a few minutes they ate in silence and it reminded Peter of late nights at the office and he sorely missed the companionship of his former team. Even after all these years he never formed ties like the ones he had with these individuals.
He wasn't listening to the conversation until Diana spoke.
"Neal, what happened to the people who took you?"
Peter stopped chewing and glanced at his friend; Neal met his eyes and then lowered his gaze as he busied himself with snagging a large piece of broccoli.
Peter's first instinct was to step in and divert the conversation away from Neal but he also wanted to know and he allowed the question to hang in the silence.
Neal took his time as he caught the green veggie and slowly ate it. He knew all eyes were on him and he knew for sure they wouldn't like the answer.
"Would you believe me if I said I didn't know?" Neal kept his eyes on Peter as he spoke.
"Did Mozzie know anything?" Again, Diana voiced Peter's question. Neal glanced her way and slowly he nodded. "I think he did" Neal quietly said.
"Did you ask him?"
"Does it matter?"
Peter knew that tone; it meant Neal was growing weary with the questions and he didn't want to answer. Or he knew more but didn't want to say.
"Neal, is it possible you're still in danger?" Jones decided to join the conversation.
"I don't know." As Neal stood, his carton fell to the floor.
"Damn it." He tried to kneel but his leg buckled and he went down in a heap, crying out in pain.
"Neal!" Peter met him on the floor. "Are you ok?"
"Can we leave?" Neal quietly asked as he took a couple of deep breaths.
"Why?" Peter helped him up.
"Caffrey." Diana approached and handed him some more food. She knelt down and quickly and efficiently cleaned up the mess, like an expert with three kids. She stood and threw everything into the trash. "Caffrey, I'm not looking to go after these people. I'm concerned that they might still be out there." She met Neal's hesitant eyes with a smile.
"Are you in danger?"
"No" Neal quietly answered. "Mozzie said he took care of them." He didn't elaborate and they didn't pursue the topic. It was well known what Mozzie was capable of if someone he cared about was in trouble.
The rest of the meal was eaten in silence and once they were done Peter decided it was time to go back to the hotel.
Neal stopped at the front door. "Tomorrow is Mozzie's service. Can you come?"
"Yeah" Diana answered and Jones simply nodded.
"Thank you" Neal said before following Peter to the waiting cab.
Peter turned with a quiet groan, immediately noticing that the kitchen light was on. The bureau had paid for a decent suite and he had offered Neal the bedroom, though his back was regretting that decision.
"Can't sleep?" he asked as he entered and found his friend sitting at the table with a glass of wine and the urn with Mozzie's ashes.
Neal shrugged as he kept his eyes on the urn. "I'm not sure I can do this tomorrow..."
"Neal, if you don't want to..." Peter's voice trailed off as he pulled a chair out and sat down. "If you'd prefer to keep that with you we can cancel the service." Peter grabbed the bottle and poured a little wine for himself.
"I treated him like crap for so long."
"Neal...don't." Peter took a small sip while keeping his gaze on his friend.
"Peter, you weren't there."
"And we both know why" Peter put forth with a mixture of regret and accusation. Neal briefly met his eyes before looking downward with a deep sigh.
"And you're going to keep bringing that up" Neal muttered as he stood and hopped towards the sink.
"Neal, what do you want me to say?"
"Nothing." Neal grabbed his crutches and moved passed the agent.
"Hey." Peter reached for Neal's arm. "We're both up. Do you want to sit down and talk?"
Neal wasn't sure he wanted to talk but the last thing he wanted was to lay down and think about Mozzie. Finally he nodded and head towards the lone chair in the living room.
Peter sat on the edge of the bed and stared at his friend.
"So" the agent said with a sheepish grin. "Anytime you want to begin."
Neal eyed him. "I don't have anything to say" he remarked in an even tone.
"Neal..."
"You wanted to talk, go ahead."
Peter let out an audible sigh. "It might help if you let it out..."
"Let what out?" Neal's voice gained an octave. "I don't need to talk and I don't need to cry."
"What do you need?"
Neal shook his head in disbelief. "What I need you can't give me."
"Maybe I can help." Peter leaned forward and clasped his hands together.
Neal chuckled bitterly. "Can you give me my leg back? How about the ten years I lost? How about one last conversation with Mozzie so I can tell him what he meant to me"
"Neal, he knew." Peter stood.
"Did he?" Neal glanced away. "Do you have any idea what he was stuck with?"
Peter did but he kept quiet.
"Neal, you were his family and he took care of you..."
"And that's what hurts the most." Neal grunted as he stood and grabbed his crutches. He took a couple of steps and then faced Peter. "He didn't deserve the way I treated him..." Neal paused as he lowered his head.
"Peter, you can't fix this."
"I wasn't going to try." Peter took a step closer and placed a tentative hand on Neal's shoulder. "But you need to get over this guilt you feel."
"How?" Neal stepped away. "How do I get over it?"
"By moving on" Peter quietly answered. "You say goodbye to Mozzie, tell him you'll never forget him and start living. It's the only way."
"And you think it's that easy." Neal glanced at Peter
"I didn't say it was easy" the agent countered lightly. "But I think you can do it. Neal you're still young and you can have a good life...but only if you allow yourself. Can you try?"
"I don't know." Neal eased himself back into the chair and closed his eyes. Peter also sat and watched his friend and waited.
"He tried so hard to get me to see a doctor." Neal began in a quiet voice with his head down. "He'd bring them to the house and I would refuse to open the bedroom door." Neal briefly glanced up. "I lost so much during that year I was kidnapped that I couldn't imagine losing my leg also."
"Neal, it was just a leg..."
"It was my dignity" Neal swiftly retorted with sudden anger. "You have no idea what that year in captivity took from me."
"No I don't." Peter stood and slowly neared the chair; he sat on the arm and waited for Neal to protest.
The ex-con shifted away from Peter but he didn't tell the agent to move.
"I couldn't lose my leg..." Neal leaned back with a quiet sigh.
"I told him he'd understand if he were my friend." Neal took a deep breath. "I told him I hated him and I wanted to die..."
Neal glanced at Peter. "I didn't trust him...I didn't trust that he'd stick around once my leg was gone..."
Neal fought his inner demons, trying to reign in the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. He felt Peter's hand on his head and he almost lost it; he knew Peter was trying to help but he didn't want the comfort.
"Don't" Neal whispered as his resolved broke. "Don't..." His body shook as silent tears rolled down his cheeks. Peter continued to rub his head as he waited for Neal to regain his composure while his own eyes burned with wetness.
Several minutes passed before Neal's body stilled and he let out one last shuddering breath. He leaned away from Peter and rested his head against the side of the chair.
The agent headed to the bedroom and returned with a blanket that he draped over Neal. Peter sat on the bed and stretched his legs out. He turned the TV on and lowered the volume; Neal was done talking and he wasn't sure either of them would get any sleep.
Neal walked out of the bathroom to the smell of fresh coffee. He entered the small kitchen and greeted Peter with a quiet good morning.
"Are you ok?" Peter looked up from the newspaper he was reading.
Neal nodded as he sat down and reached for his coffee and a chocolate croissant.
"Don't you have a seminar this morning?"
Peter shrugged. "I'm not needed there today..." He left off that he felt Neal needed him more. "Clinton and Diana will meet us at the cemetery and then we'll head over to the bank afterwards. Sound ok?"
"Yeah." Neal quietly ate his breakfast as he watched Peter skim through the front page news.
"Peter, I'm sorry about last night."
"Why?" Peter peered over the newspaper.
"I don't know." Neal sat back and eyed his friend. "You're not surprised that I trusted you more?"
"What do you mean?" Peter put the paper down.
"I let them take my leg." Neal chuckled before continuing. "Peter, I knew you wouldn't disappear on me but I wasn't so sure about Mozzie..."
"I don't think he would have" Peter put forth. "Maybe you finally realized it was time."
"I just want to get through today."
"You will" Peter said with a smile. "You won't be alone."
Neal managed a weak smile before heading to the bedroom to get dressed. Thirty minutes later, they headed downstairs.
Neal had chosen a small, quaint looking cemetery located at the edge of the city. It was mostly hidden by overgrown bushes and sprawling trees and Neal figured that was exactly what Mozzie would want. The service would be short and Neal was grateful for that.
He knew he was crying but he didn't bother to wipe away the tears. Peter stood next to him, quiet but stoic and exactly what Neal needed. Occasionally he would drape his arm around Neal with a gentle squeeze, always letting go before the ex-con could protest.
Diana and Jones stood just behind them and shockingly he could hear Diana cry. Maybe motherhood had softened her Neal silently mused; or she was more fond of Mozzie than she would admit.
The service ended and the coffin was lowered and Neal closed his eyes with a silent prayer; he said goodbye to his friend and hoped he could forgive him.
"I won't forget you" Neal whispered as he finally wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
"It's over" Peter whispered as he patted Neal on the back.
"I'm not sure I can walk back" Neal quietly said as he suddenly latched on to Peter's arm.
"What's wrong?"
"Legs are shaking" Neal admitted before lowering himself to one knee.
"Neal, what's wrong?" Diana neared them.
"I don't know. Neal?" Peter knelt down with a supporting hand on Neal's arm.
"I'm ok" Neal managed to eke out as he tried to slow his breathing.
"Diana, bring the car closer." Peter pointed to the nearest location. "Jones and I will get him to the car."
Diana nodded as she raced back to the car, returning a few minutes later. By then Neal had more color in his face but he didn't protest when the two agents each took a side and supported him the whole way.
Peter climbed in the back seat next to him.
"Diana, do you have any water?"
She opened the trunk and pulled out a plastic bottle.
"It's warm" she said as she handed it to Peter.
"That's fine. Drink some." He offered it to Neal who took a sip and made a face. "It's warm" he muttered before taking another sip.
"Are you ok?"
"I think so." Neal leaned back and closed his eyes. "I dreaded this so much..." He paused for another sip. "Getting no sleep didn't help."
"I know" Peter agreed as he stifled a yawn. "Diana can you drop us off at the hotel?" Peter knew they had a couple of hours before their appointment at the bank. A cat nap would probably do them both good.
The traffic was awful and the ride took forever. Neal quietly stared out the window as Peter watched him and worried. He knew so little about Neal's captivity and the years that followed and it was the unknown that truly scared him; he was starting to wonder if Neal could put everything behind and start over.
"What the..." Peter opened the front door to total chaos. Neal and the boys were hopping around on one leg, Charlie was screaming like a madman and the dog was barking his head off. There were books on the floor and one overturned lamp that thankfully didn't look broken.
"Neal!" Peter tried to yell above the ruckus. "Jason..." He reached for his older son's arm but missed. "Neal!" Finally Peter whistled and everyone stopped.
"Hi Dad" Jason greeted as he firmly placed his second foot down.
"Don't hi dad me." Peter circled them all, finally stopping in front of Neal, who had the decency to look a little guilty.
"I asked you to help out while Elizabeth is out of town and watch the boys until I get home. Is this what you call watching?"
"Peter, we were just having some fun." The agent bristled at Neal's tone. It reminded him of long ago when he'd catch Neal and Mozzie up to something.
In fact, lately Neal had been sounding so much like himself that Peter had stopped worrying as much about his friend.
"Just having fun" Peter said with a hint of sarcasm. "Have you looked around at the disaster that used to be the living room?"
Sam barked.
"Don't you start." Peter eyed the dog. "Where's Lucky?"
Everyone shrugged, much to Peter's annoyance.
"OK, you two..." he pointed to his sons. "Clean up this room and find the cat.
"Neal, did you start dinner?"
"Yes Dad" he answered, as he followed Peter into the kitchen. "How's Elizabeth's mom?"
"She came through surgery just fine." Peter opened the oven and checked on the meat loaf. "She's going to stay a few more days. Can you handle the boys until then?"
"Piece of cake" Neal said as he put a pot of water on the boiler and took out a bag of frozen broccoli.
"Neal, when Elizabeth gets back, I want you to start working."
"OK." Neal answered and then glanced Peter's way with a small smile.
Peter was surprised and didn't hide that fact.
"Really?"
Neal nodded as Peter began to set the table. To borrow a cliché Neal had turned the corner shortly after Mozzie's funeral. Maybe it was having some money or some of his old possessions, or just more time; something in Neal turned back on and Peter started to see the person he once was. With some of the warts that used to drive Peter crazy.
"Great!" Peter opened the fridge and grabbed a beer. "What made you change your mind?"
"I'm ready." Neal walked around Peter with a slight limp. "It's going to be a few months until I get my permanent leg..." he paused as he turned the oven temperature down. "I can't keep hiding here can I?"
"I don't know." Peter put the can down. "You've done a pretty good job of it so far."
"Ha Ha" Neal spat out as he placed the meat loaf on the table. Peter went to get the boys as Neal quickly heated up the dinner rolls.
"Found Lucky" Jason announced as he plopped down, jumping right back up as Peter threw him a look. Jason grabbed the milk and poured two glasses.
"She was hiding in Uncle Neal's room" Charlie said as he slid into his seat. "Daddy, guess what I learned today."
"What?"
"You're supposed to guess..." Charlie briefly pouted before continuing. "Uncle Neal taught me to play chess."
Peter looked at Neal who simply nodded.
"He said I'm good."
"He is" Neal agreed, laughing at the look on Peter's face. "Just a little patience" he added, though it took more than a little until Charlie finally caught on.
"I'm impressed. How was school?"
As the boys rambled on about their day, Neal quietly ate his dinner, enjoying the simple everyday conversation of a normal family. Not exactly his family, but one he felt comfortable around and happy to be with.
"Neal, get up." Peter was surprised to find him still in bed when they were supposed to be at work in less than an hour. He wasn't surprised to find Lucky sleeping next to him. Neal's room had become a safe haven for the cat.
"Hey." Peter shook him roughly. "Is this the first impression you want to make?" Lucky gave him an evil eye before turning around and burrowing against Neal.
"Not going" Neal mumbled as he turned his face against the pillow.
"Why?" Peter sat on the bed, close enough that the cat jumped up and raced out. "Neal, you said you were ready and I think you are. What are you worried about?"
"Really?" Neal peered up with one open eye. "What am I worried about?" He chuckled bitterly before sitting up. "You think this is easy for me?"
Peter shrugged...in the past most things came easy to Neal.
"It's not." Neal threw the blanket off and stood, revealing his bare legs. "I'm nervous ok and yes, sleeping the day away did cross my mind."
"Neal, you'll be fine..."
"Don't!" Neal waved a finger towards Peter. "Don't tell me everything is going to be fine." Neal grabbed his crutches and headed towards the bathroom. After the door slammed shut Peter picked up his newspaper and retreated to the kitchen.
Thirty minutes later Neal entered looking...Peter managed to suppress his smile. With his newly gained weight and one of Byron's suits, Neal seemed to have stepped back in time...except for the walking cane he held tightly in his right hand.
"Do you want to eat first?" Peter asked as he stood.
"Too nervous" Neal answered as he fidgeted with his tie. "Can we stop for some coffee on the way?"
"Sure." Peter passed by him and waited for Neal to follow.
Peter sat at his desk and tried to get through the mound of paperwork that never ended. He kept his eyes on Neal; the day had started off rough and Neal kept to himself as he quietly poured through some cold cases.
Peter wasn't sure what he was expecting but it wasn't this; a shy and timid Neal who seemed afraid to speak up. He was cordial but only spoke when spoken too and never once did he display the charm that he once used for his advantage.
He started to get up when he saw Keith approach Neal. Peter swallowed hard as he sat and decided to watch the scene play out from afar.
Keith was fresh out of the academy and totally full of himself but he was smart and he had settled in nicely as the youngest member of Peter's team. Well, sort of his team. Peter had designated a leader long ago and he mostly watched from the sideline; going out on an occasional case when he needed to remember what it felt like to be useful.
Keith stood and said a few words before pulling a chair over and sitting down. He placed a file in front of Neal and the ex-con flipped through the pages, occasionally saying something.
At this point Peter wished he could read lips; he was good at figuring out body language and he noticed Neal sit up straighter.
Peter relaxed as he checked out a few new emails; though he managed to keep one eye on the scene playing before him. Peter was talking to Elizabeth on the phone when he heard Keith let out a quiet roar and clap his hands.
Match point Neal Peter silently mused as he watched an excited young man profusely thank Neal before running off with the file dangling loosely from his hand.
Neal glanced Peter's way and noticed he was being watched. The ex-con smiled with a slight shrug as if to say I still have it before lowering his head and continuing on with his own cold case.
Peter took a deep breath as he settled back in his chair. It wasn't the happy ending Neal desired but it was a beginning. And every fairy tale needed to start somewhere.
Neal insisted on walking to the parking lot; Peter told him it was a mistake...several times as Neal's breathing turned labored and he finally had to stop.
He was tired; every emotion and physical task during the day had sapped his energy to the point that he wasn't sure he could continue. But the more Peter insisted it be done his way, the more stubborn Neal became and he managed to keep his legs going until he couldn't take another step. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes
"I'm getting the car. Stay here."
Even if he wanted to move and keep any shred of dignity, physically he wasn't able to and he waited for Peter to return and allowed the agent to help him in the car.
"Don't say it" Neal said in a low, warning voice.
Peter smiled to himself as he kept his eyes on the road. There was nothing he needed or wanted to say. It would get easier and Neal would adapt to the physical demands of a normal day...in the meantime Peter was hungry and he had a taste for pizza. He pulled out his phone and after a quick call with Elizabeth he turned right and headed home.
The pizza was long gone and Elizabeth had ushered the boys upstairs to get ready for bed. Peter sat in his favorite recliner nursing a beer as the Yankees played a late game in LA. You can take the man out of New York but Peter refused to give up his favorite teams and he insisted on the MLB channel so he could still watch every game.
Neal lounged on the far end of the sofa trying to keep his eyes open.
"Neal, go to bed."
"Peter..." Neal's voice trailed off but the meaning was clear. I'm not your kid and stop mothering me. The agent had heard that tone more than enough times to know what it meant and to get angry.
He put the beer down and approached the sofa, settling himself next to Neal but allowing enough space between the two men.
"Neal, I missed you when you were gone and I am very glad you are here now." He felt Neal squirm beside him.
"Maybe I've become sentimental in my old age but I value my family and you are part of my family..."
"No, I'm not" Neal insisted as he interrupted Peter.
"What, do you want me to adopt you?" Peter stood abruptly. "Neal, I chose you to be part of my family. I'm sorry if it doesn't sit well with you." He took a couple of steps and stopped when Neal called his name.
Peter turned.
"Elizabeth once said you were the best thing that happened to me..." Neal managed a weak smile as he kept his eyes on Peter's face.
"I may not have agreed then but I know it's true now. Peter you've given me something I've never had and I do appreciate it."
"I hear a but in there" Peter quietly said.
Neal nodded. "I am grateful but I need more than what you can give me..."
"Neal, I get it. And I understand." He shrugged. "In the meantime, allow yourself to be happy and enjoy the people around you. We may not be what you ultimately want, but I think we're what you need right now."
Peter watched his friend for a few more minutes before turning the TV off and going upstairs. After he left Lucky jumped up and settled herself on Neal's lap.
Neal rubbed the cat's head and listened to her purr; he wished it was that easy. That he could be content and happy with what he had.
Peter was everything to him; his friend and at times the father he never truly had. He was grateful for Elizabeth's mothering and he truly adored the boys. But he longed for more...
His thoughts suddenly turned to his captivity and the time spent like a caged animal; all those months of begging for his freedom, for food and just a little bit of his dignity.
The silent prayers that Peter would find him...and finally the realization that help wasn't coming and he was alone in the world and at the mercy of people who treated him as nothing more than a tool in their plot to get rich.
He chose death and he survived and he suffered for years...all of that was ingrained in his memories and would always be there. Moments of time that he tried to tuck away just beyond his conscious thoughts. But moments that came back without warning and threatened to suffocate him.
This was one of those times. He felt the sweat pour out of every part of his body as the cat continued to purr, unaware of the war raging inside of Neal.
He opened his mouth to call out to Peter but he couldn't utter a sound. He reached for his phone and after two attempts he managed to type out a message.
Help me.
It was simple and it was right to the point and it did the job. Less than a minute passed before Peter was racing down the stairs, stopping when he reached the bottom.
Neal was shaking and he glistened with sweat and his hand kept on rubbing Lucky's head.
"Neal, what's wrong?" Peter slowly approached but his friend didn't answer, nor look his way.
"Hey." Peter sat down next to him, clearly concerned but unsure of what to do.
"Neal, what do you need me to do?"
With little hesitation Neal reached over and grabbed Peter's hand, squeezing tightly. He closed his eyes and waited; for the memories to recede and for his breathing to normalize. Seconds turned to minutes and finally an hour later, Neal started to relax and he eased his grip on Peter's hand.
"Sorry" he whispered when he managed to find his voice
"What happened?" Peter asked in a voice just as shaky as his friend's.
"I was trapped in a cage for months and sometimes that feeling returns..."
"Neal, you need to talk to someone."
"No." Neal said loud enough to scare the cat away. "What I need is time and the feeling that I'm not alone."
"You're not alone..."
"I know." Neal sighed as he finally released Peter's hand. "I know" he repeated as he stood and reached for his cane. "Don't give up on me ok?"
Neal walked away with the cat following.
"I couldn't even if I wanted to." Peter listened as Neal walked into the bathroom and then to his bedroom. He heard the audible sigh when Neal freed his limb from the prosthetic. He heard Neal tell Lucky to stop kneading on him and finally he saw the light go off. Peter sat in the dark for another thirty minutes before he quietly opened Neal's door and peered in; he couldn't see anything but he heard the telltale sign of Neal's breathing and he knew his friend was asleep. He closed the door and went upstairs.