Chapter One is up and I am surprised to already have some followers. Thank you guys it means a lot!
The last ringing bell of the day brought me out of my mind and back to the present. As the students stood in alphabetized order I walked them out of the classroom and out to parent pick-up. The cool autumn air had ventured out of the night and into the day. No matter how long I had made my home here in the north east I could never quite adjust to the cold.
I was born and raised in Florida. However, I was near very few beaches in a centrally located small town. I grew up around pastures and old money, southern drawl. There was something about the pace of my new home here in the city of Boston that made it entirely too clear I was living in slow motion. Everything tends to move faster here and I use to enjoy it until I realized how much can be gone in just a second.
One second. That was all I had to register what was happening to my world.
I sigh and begin greeting the parents as they pick up their bright eyed children. Sometimes I wonder if they realize how lucky they are. And then I realize that I can't pretend to know everything about being a parent. Hell, I was only one for five years.
My phone's shrill ringtone grounds me again and I realize that my thoughts have been taking me farther and farther away from reality lately. Perhaps it is all of the drinking.
"Take a break from your wallowing for one night and come to dinner with us." Alice's soft voice is something I never realized I needed.
"Hey Alice, how are you?" I say with a sigh. Last night had been rough for Jasper as well I assume so it's not surprising he had delved into details with Alice.
Alice was Jasper's love. His whole heart. It was weird to see them together because something about them made you feel like you were intruding regardless of the setting. They reminded me of those interviews with couples sixty years in the future who say "When I saw him/her, I just knew." I never believed that bull. You can't just "know" you love someone. Nothing is ever sure and you definitely don't know if they will the one's you spend the rest of your life with. Fate doesn't work that way.
"Well I'm spectacular. Jasper isn't and I know you are worse off than him. Look, I know you and I don't know each other that well yet. But I meant it when I said that I would be here for you and I believe that you still reserve the right to grieve. Especially this week. However, I believe that all things happen for a reason and I need you to believe that too because I need you to be happy."
"Alice. I-I can't control what Jasper does I can't-"
"I know that Bella, trust me. But you do have some influence and I can't lose him." Alice's desperation was another kick in the gut. Similar to Jasper. How many people would I lose from this? How many would disappear?
"Okay. Okay I'll go out to dinner. I mean we go out all the time during the rest of the year-" but I know where this is going so I wave my white flag, mentally of course.
"You know this is different. I'm asking you to actually try. To try to be healthier. To try to move on." And with that I took a deep breath and made a promise I knew would be impossible to keep.
"Okay Alice. I will, for you and Jasper." I confirm.
"And for Izzy." Her name is a shock to the system but not as much as it had been last year, or two years for that matter.
"And for Izzy." A small smile surprisingly appearing at my lips. I had forgotten what it's like to smile.
Flashback:
"We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a HAPPY NEW YEAR" I belted over my glass of sangria while I twirled around my dorm room with Rosalie, my roommate. It was my first Christmas away from home. My dad, Charlie, wasn't into holidays since my mom left and would be working all week anyway. So Rose, an international student from Australia felt like she would rather I stay with her. We would put up the Christmas tree and go "caroling" on our floor.
"Sit your ass down before we wake everyone up Bella!" Rose bickered sarcastically. There wasn't really anyone around for miles, or so we thought.
There was an abrupt and loud knock on the door that made me pause mid-sentence.
"I got it!" I said in a sing-songy voice as I fluttered the whole two feet to the door. Opening the door I was met with a hard stare and tight pursed lips. My buzz was making it hard to focus so I squinted a little, sizing up the person in front of me.
"Who are you?" I say, hand on my hip.
"My name is Jasper Whitlock and I'm afraid y'all are being way too loud." He drawled. I say drawled because there was something about the way he said y'all that made his sentence feel a thousand times longer. I hear Rose shout over my shoulder.
"Who's that Bells?" I hear a thump and feel her sidle on up next to me.
"This is Jasper Whitlock" I said in a fake whisper "He doesn't have any holiday spirit". Maybe it was because I was drunk, or maybe it was because his eyes glistened when I opened the door.
Jasper's features cracked for a second into a tiny smirk that seemed to reach his eyes. I took a minute to look at him. Blonde hair, a little longer than I usually prefer. Softer features, not too sharp. But he seemed a little lanky. Definitely not my type. But his eyes – his eyes were gorgeous.
"Well Jasper" Rose began, laying it on think with batting lashes and all. "Bells and I really love the holidays and since we cannot be at home for them we would like to celebrate." She finished her act with a pouted lip but it didn't even take that much. Jasper's eyes had already widened and relaxed. Rose had an effect on males that I never would. She was a strong asset as well as a total self-confidence blow.
"Alright ladies, can I join?" The smirk that followed was unexpected. There was more mischievousness there than I was initially expecting. Rose smiled, triumphant.
"Of Course Jasper Whitlock, as long as you sing along." She dragged him in our room by the elbow and clicked the door shut.
I stood in front of the full length mirror thinking of how Rose and I used to do that before a big night out. Before Mike. Before Izzy.
I miss her. We've drifted apart over the years, much so because living on the other side of the world makes it incredibly difficult to keep in touch. As far as I know she's a model now. Which isn't entirely shocking. And we used to call and write each other quite often under the circumstances. She knew of the incident and flew out five years ago to be with me for about a month. I barely remember it because I was too busy trying to remember how to breathe. I feel bad that I took that time for granted but how could I have known I wouldn't see her for four more years. She had tried to bring up the subject of coming for another visit but I always brush it off. Saying not to take time off work and that the time just wasn't right. But I was ashamed. Ashamed of how broken I am. I can't let her see me like this. This isn't me.
It's weird to think that at thirty years old I've been married, divorced, and lost a child.
Sometimes I wonder if our marriage would've failed regardless. Would he have cheated even if we had spent our lives happy and ordinary? Was it me?
I hadn't worn a dress since the night after our split. I had this weird flash of confidence in which I just wanted to put on my skimpiest little black number and strut on in to a bar where some attractive guy would buy me drinks all night and eventually drag me on to the dance floor. I would never go home with him, because let's face it. Home is where I would feel vulnerable. No, we would just dance and I would pretend that I am a different person living a different life.
This dress was skimpy in fact but not too much. There was enough cleavage to make me feel feminine but the length was long enough to make me feel secure, powerful. I slapped on my heels – a new thing for me. They made it hard to slump which has happened more often since the accident. I left my hair down and slightly wavy with minimal makeup. Some liner on the eyes and neutral lips. My lashes were my best facial quality so I made sure they were equally fanned out and dark as a black hole. I made sure to leave on my stockings as it would be quite chilly and grabbed my favorite black trench. The one without any stains on it. Just as I did so there was a ring at my doorbell. I scurried down the stairs.
"Be right there Jazz!" I say grabbing my keys, phone and wallet before opening the door. Alice and Jasper stood there beaming up at me and I smiled. A genuine one. I liked to make a mental note for my therapist when these kind of things would happen. Where for a split second I realize there are still good things in life.
"You ready?" Alice said, hesitant.
"As I'll ever be." I said nodding shyly. "I haven't really been 'out' in a while so forgive me if I make things entirely too awkward." Alice slapped my arm and with a wink she said
"Girl, looking like that you could probably sing Ava Maria in a Swedish accent and everybody there would love to hear you do so." I looked at her quizzically. First, because that is the weirdest hypothetical situation I could possibly imagine. And second, because I could hardly believe I look any different than I do on a regular basis.
"How does one do that, Alice? Care to give us a show?" Jasper chided. When their eyes locked I saw love.
"Ugh, stop looking at each other like that before I vomit." I joked. Kind of.
"By the way Bella we have a little change in plans. We were originally going to just go to dinner but Jasper mentioned dancing and I just couldn't think of a better way to enjoy the night." Her statement as not a question, it was fact. I groaned and stared at my feet.
"Dancing is.." I started but Jasper interrupted.
"One of your favorite things to do. Plus you look lovely so let's go." We walked around the block to their car and got inside. I don't take taxis. And I watched the lights as they passed wondering if I could do this. It had been a long time. But how long is appropriate to grieve? How long do you wait until you can finally say "I survived."
"We're here Bella!" I snapped my head up to take a look the place was lit up brighter than the sun and the line to get in was at least one hundred people long. I hadn't waited in a line like that since college.
"What the hell? We're seriously going to a club? Aren't we a bit old for that?" I mutter incredulously.
"No, because we" he said pointing to himself and Alice "are young at heart." He smiled with pride and I flipped him the bird before standing and following them toward the crowd.
"Is our name on a list or something or are we seriously gonna wait through all this?" I asked skeptically. Jasper shrugged and Alice laughed.
"No Bella! My brother works here! He's the bouncer." She pointed behind me at a grizzly bear of a man. His stature alone was intimidating, I could only imagine what he would be like telling you to leave the premises. I instantly thought of Rose and how she used to gush about the meatheads at the gym. Something about a guy who could snap her in half send all of her lady bits ablaze. I nodded with approval and followed Alice's lead as she made her way up to the grizzly bear.
"Hey M&M" she chirped from his waist. He looked down and what I saw was the cutest thing ever. He picked her up and twirled her around before setting her down and kissing her forehead. His features instantly softened into something more like a teddy bear.
"Tinker Bell. How are you little sis? You never come around here anymore and I believe the last time we had a game night was not one, but two weeks ago." He said feigning anger. You could tell he didn't have a mean soul in his body though as he smiled a huge toothy grin and proceeded to unlock the red rope. He looked behind Alice at Jasper and I. His eyes lingering longer on mine before returning to hers.
"I know the boyfriend but who's the hot one?" He looked back up at me giving a wink. Under any other circumstances I would've felt uncomfortable. I would've squirmed away from his gaze or even told him off. But there was something about his look that said he knew more about me than he was letting on.
"Em, this is Bella Swan. She's one of Jasper's closest friend and now one of mine." Her little arm wrapped around my waist and I felt warmth. "Bella, this is Emmett, my big brother, but not my biggest."
I chuckled trying to imagine how anyone could get much bigger than Emmett.
"Well it is my pleasure to meet you Ms. Swan." He said with a bow. I chuckled a little extending my hand to which he kissed it and added "Let me know if I have to beat any guys away with a stick tonight."
"Well Emmett, that is an enticing offer that I may have to hold you to at some point." It's not like me to be flirtatious. I knew it was harmless though because the connection felt the same as it had with Jasper long ago, friendly but not romantic in the least.
"We will see you on your break?" Alice inquired as we shuffled inside.
"Wouldn't miss it!" Emmett shouted over his shoulder before returning to his work. I had an overwhelming urge to call Rosalie. An urge I hadn't had in a while.
"What time is it in Australia?" I ask Jasper. His eyebrows raise and he smiles a little.
"Missing your partner in crime?" I scoff a little.
"It's only criminal if you get caught isn't it?" I reply feigning ignorance. He lets out a loud laugh.
"It's roughly one in the afternoon. You should give her a call. She misses you." I look at him, confusion etched on my face.
"The hell? Have you guys been talking? Why hasn't she tried to call me?" His features look pained and I know what he's going to say will hurt.
"You stopped answering her calls." He mutters. I sigh. I pull out my phone and scroll through my contacts. I clicked on her name and listen to the phone ring.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi there you've reached Rosalie Hale, sorry I can't make it to the phone right now but if you could leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!" *beeeeeeeep*
I clear the lump in my throat.
"Hey Rose, It's Bella. I'm out at this club and I saw this bouncer and her made me think of you. I'm sorry. Bye!" I think about the amount of word vomit that I just produce and rube my face with my hands.
"Hey it's okay." Alice says quietly. "If she's a good friend she'll understand." Her words are encouraging but I need more so I make a beeline for the bar. On my way I seem to hit a wall. The wind is knocked out of my lungs and I find the ceiling to me moving away faster than I would think possible before clutching on to the first thing I can. I hadn't realized my eyes were closed until I heard a velvet voice that shook me to the core. Only, not in the way I would expect. My eyes shoot open and I'm staring at green. So much green. There's a lack of red this time but it's there. The green. The brows around the green are furrowed and I think he is speaking but I am lost. Reverting back to the past. Wishing that anyone else in the world could've caught me but this man. The bearer of bad news. The man who saw me at my worst.
The sound of a lot of clanking and voices starts to pervade my ears. The black starts to subside as I try to lift my eyelids. The room is spinning and my head hurts like a motherfucker. I'm trying to make sense of my surroundings but there are so many voices. So much noise. I try to move but it hurts. Everything hurts. I think I groaned but I wouldn't be able to hear myself over the stifling sounds. At once I see a bright light, but not the dying kind. No this is actually a flashlight hitting my eyeballs. I close my eyes trying to get it to go away and I hear a voice.
"Isabella? Isabella can you hear me? Can you open your eyes for me please? Isabella?" His voice is so nice so I open my eyes. All I see is the most beautiful emerald green. So much green, like a field of grass.
"So much green.." I mutter trailing off. I have no idea where I am I'm looking for anything, any indication. The sounds start to focus I can make out actual voices. I hear the sound of a monitor. Is that a heart beat? Heart beat.
"Where's my daughter!" I shout shooting up from my position on my back. My ribs protest instantly but I cannot feel. "My daughter? Izzy? Where is she? Please I need to see my daughter!"
I grip the handles of the bed I'm in and am met with a wall of blue scrubs.
"Isabella I need you to lie down you have suffered very substantial injuries to the head and chest and I need to take a look at these before you can move!" I do not here his words I am too busy scanning. Where is she? I remember riding in the taxi. She was singing her ABC's and we were sharing the animal crackers I had packed for lunch at the park. Daddy had left early to finish up some things in the office and it was just my little munchkin and I ready to go curl up at home and get ready for her first day of school tomorrow.
"Izzy?" I start yelling into the noise of people. No one turns, no one looks. "Izzy?" I shout louder. Maybe she was too far away. Maybe she was already asleep at home safe and warm.
"Isabella lie down. I will find your daughter but you need to lie down." His voice is reassuring. I can hear him now. I look into the green again.
"Promise?" I whisper.
"Promise." He says. His face a mixture of emotions. His eyes are bloodshot – like he'd been awake for years.
"When did you sleep last?" I mutter. He chuckles.
"Excuse me?" He chides.
"You're eyes. They're so green but they're also red. When did you sleep last?" I feel particularly loose and airy. I look down at my arm. An IV. What the hell?
"Isabella do you know what today is?" The green eyes asked.
"I know today is Izzy's birthday so August 8th." The air leaves his lungs and he seems defeated.
"Was that the wrong answer?" I ask, confused. He looks me in the eye.
"No, It was just far too right." His answer is unsettling but I relax nonetheless.
"What happened?" I inquire.
"Ms. Swan you were T-Boned by a drunk driver downtown." Time seemed to slow down again as I stared into the orbs. "You were traveling with your daughter correct? Was there anyone else in the car?" His words are slow and behind them I see headlight. Blinding but fast. I grip my little girls head as I face the light head on.
"Isabella?" I lock eyes with him.
"Uh, no besides the cab driver. Is he okay? Is Izzy ok? Omg Izzy. She's probably so scared she just turned five today where is she?" His face sinks and I'm afraid for him to speak.
"Don't." I say. Hot tears building in my vision.
"Ms. Swan everyone else at the accident died at the scene of the incident. Paramedics were able to stabilize you enough to air lift you here and you seemed to have regained consciousness quickly." Blood drains from my body. My face is wet. I can't speak.
"Izzy." His face pales and he seems to inch closer but resists touching me in any way.
"Green." I mutter blankly. His face loses all color and I know instantly. I release my grip on his shirt and take a step back. I don't run. Instead I face him.
"Thank you." I deadpan before I push past him and continue my journey to the bar.
So again please tell me what you think and I apologize about my frequent typos. I just can't catch them all.