Disclaimer: Not mine. Duh.
-:-
Chapter II: Hermione Gets A Makeover
-:-
Plain old, boring, average Hermione Granger stood in front of her mirror doing a very, very un-Hermionish thing: she was picking out all the flaws in her appearance. She had already come to the conclusion that she was by far the ugliest thing to ever roam the planet, was the size of a hippo, and no boy would ever give her a first glance, let alone a second. Yes, Hermione was OOC big time. But what do you expect? How do you suppose I start this thing? Having her work on her summer homework, or maybe read a book? Pfft. As if. That would make her in character, and I'll never do that. Maybe when cats fly... which they're never going to do... so she'll forever be OOC... so you can just keep dreaming.
Anyway, Hermione was now crying because she was so ugly. And the author just sat there uncomfortable because Hermione was getting way too OOC even for her taste. And now she's wondering where to go with this because she has major writers block.
"Oh, I am so hideous," Hermione exclaimed randomly. Yes. This is good. When in doubt, write an angst speech that will make the readers' hearts ache with sorrow. "I'm a monster, that's what I am. My eyes are so dull and boring. And my body... sheesh! It's like a blimp. And my hair... oh, don't even get me started on my hair. Argh! I need some help. I need a miracle. I need... a Mary-Sue, American cousin."
The idea hit Hermione with a such a powerful force that it would make Voldemort go green with envy. Sadly, though, the impact was too much for the young witch that she was knocked out cold. And now we can all sit back for a while, drink some soothing tea, and watch classic Charlie Brown episodes, because the author really needs a break from all these Dramione clichés running wild in her head.
-:-
Ten milliseconds had passed and Hermione stirred, slowly regaining consciousness. Now you're probably thinking that ten milliseconds seems a little rushed, but Hermione was a very powerful, brainy witch, and powerful, brainy witches make quick recoveries, no matter how unrealistic it seemed. So now she was waking up. Damn. Suppose we have to turn off Charlie Brown now. Guess we'll never know if good ol' Charlie Brown ever gets a Christmas card. Oh well.
"Wha... what happened?" Hermione cried, sitting up with a start. The author then explained to her that the idea that she had come up with was so extremely cliché that it had knocked her out cold. Then the author began to point and laugh at her, because what kind of dumbass gets knocked out by an idea? This made Hermione burst into tears because she hated it when people laughed at her, and the author just began to get all uncomfortable again.
"My idea?" Hermione questioned, scratching the back of her head. By now she had stopped crying. Exciting. "What was it again? Um... oh! Now I remember! I need a Mary-Sue, American cousin to help me through this blue, oozing situation." After saying her idea for a second time, Hermione was knocked out, sat up ten milliseconds later, and did it all over again. She did this about seven more times because the author found it amusing, but soon decided that we had to move on, and that this all was very off-topic. Hermione sat up for about the sixth or seventh time in the past seconds, and continued on with her speech, the author using white out to get rid of the 'dangerous' parts.
"My idea?" Hermione questioned, scratching the back of her head. "What was it again? Um... oh! Now I remember! I need a ( )-( ), ( ) ( ) to help me through this blue, oozing situation. But ( ) am I ( ) ( )d one? Anybody with ( ) ( ) a bra( ) can ( )e ( )at ( ) B( )it( )s( ) and- alright! That's enough! I think you're go ( ) ( ) ( ) over( ) ( )it( ) ( ) ( )hit( ) ( )u( )." Now the author was going crazy with the white out, not just from her excitement of using it, but from the fumes as well. Hermione began to get really irritated by this, so she just decided to dig under her bed and pull out a lab top. Random goodness is what I call it. I don't know what you call it, and I don't really care.
"Wait, before I start this part of the story, can I have my own point of view?" Hermione asked with hopefulness in her eyes. "Ow!" She began to rub her eyes, trying to get whatever it was in them out. Her own point of view? What? Was she crazy? Why? "Come on! Draco got his own point of view, why can't I have one? That's not fair!" Hermione began to huff and puff, while the author wondered how she knew anything about chapter one. Must of been some strange, crazy dream. It was always some strange, crazy dream that the characters knew anything about other chapters that they weren't apart of. This usually had something to do with Voldemort, because everything points to Voldemort one way or another. The sun went down. Voldemort. My bike got a flat tire. Must of been Voldemort. Poor guy. Probably crying his eyes out knowing that everyone blames him for everything.
"You really have a problem with getting off-topic," Hermione commented. The author got royally pissed by this, so she decided that she needed a break from this know-it-all brat, and agreed to Hermione's wishes because she was a nice person like that. So, after sniffing the white out a couple of times, the author said that she needed a Mary-Sue, American cousin to help her in this liquid situation, was knocked out, and since she wasn't a powerful, brainy witch, she didn't get up. Now you're probably wondering how I'm still typing this when I'm suppose to be unconscious. Well, I'm just kewl like that. Anyway.
Hermione's P.O.V.
Hello...? Author...? You still alive...? Hm... oh well. Yes! My own point of view section! I've always wanted one of these. Most authors tend to look past me, and usually give it to Ginny. Pfft. What a load of crap. That girl is such a Mary-Sue whore, it makes me want to... Argh! But I'm going to keep my cool, because I'm Hermione Granger, and that's what I do.
Now I'm turning on my lab top, and you're probably wondering why I have my lab top to begin with. Well, since the stupid author didn't seem to cover this, I guess it's my duty to do so. I have my lab top out because I plan on searching the web in hopes of finding a site to help me find a Mary-Sue, American cousin. Since I'm British, me having an American cousin is next to impossible, but most people usually look past this. But I'm not going to, because I'm Hermione Granger, and I don't look past that stuff. So that is the amazing story of why I have my lab top out.
-:-
You can find anything on the Internet if you set your mind to it. I know this for a fact, because in the past hour I have found two fanfiction sites, seven sites dedicated to song lyrics, a few... explicit webpages..., and five Harry Potter fansites. Wow. I never knew so many people thought me and Harry would- hey. Wait a second. Harry Potter fansites? That's strange. It's almost as if- wow! You know what I just noticed? A whole hour has just passed in one tiny paragraph. Geez. Time sure does go by fast. I noticed this, because I'm Hermione Granger, and I notice things. I also certainly don't get distracted easily, and cut myself off in the middle of a sentence. Anyway.
-:-
Now I've been searching Google for one hour and forty-one minutes, twenty-eight seconds, and I still have yet to find a site that will help me. Hm... maybe searching 'Drunken' Monkeys' isn't what I should be searching to begin with... What about 'American cousin to help fill plothole'? Maybe that will work... Yes! 2,001 results! I better click on the first site, since the first site is always the most reliable. Alright, let's see... pictures of old men... Ok, maybe the second one is more reliable in this case... gay cowboys... intriguing, but no. Ok, the third one... another Snape and Hermione fansite? Godammit!
I kept searching for another hour and seven seconds, and after five pages of foreign recipes and chat rooms, I was finally capable of finding a site that looked promising. Geez, I just wasted so much time on this crap. I could of been doing something more productive, like picking out more flaws, or cutting myself in a very OOC way because I have such low self esteem. Now this frickin' dial-up is taking forever! Argh! Oh well. Guess it will all be worth it in the end.
I clicked on the website, and, after about 5 minutes of crappy loading, began to browse through it.
Welcome to plotholefillers . com
Your one stop site for any plothole that needs filling.
Hermione grinned from ear-to-ear; she had finally found a worthy site. Now most of you have probably noticed that, for the second time in this story, I have stopped writing in the first person format in a very abrupt way without giving you any warning. Well, I felt that Hermione's P.O.V. was long enough. Besides, her P.O.V. was just as long as Draco's, and if I made it any longer then I would have to go back and edit chapter one so his P.O.V. would be longer also, so then he wouldn't become a jealous mess and threaten to quit. So there. You can whine and complain all you want Hermione, but you're P.O.V. section is over... thank God...
Anyway, after Hermione's little hissy fit that was so pathetic I didn't feel like including it in this story, she continued to look through the site, trying to find the appropriate section for her predicament. 'Males suddenly being able to be pregnant... dead people coming back to life with no explanation... all the time turners suddenly being fixed so a character can go back in time and fall in love with someone from the past, fucking up the future like crazy, but everyone seems to look past that part... Harry suddenly being Snape's son, even though he's almost James' twin, but everyone seems to forget what he looks like in these stories... a Head boy and girl plot... a Mary-Sue, American cousin coming to England randomly so they can help to try and improve a failed plot, and... blah blah blah. Bingo!'
Hermione clicked on that. She then began to fill out the application in order for her to receive her Mary-Sue, American cousin free-of-charge - Do you actually think someone would pay for one of those? - including her name, age, how many times she takes a bath a week, etc. You know? The only really important things. After she was finished, she sent it off, and a pop-up... popped-up on her screen. Ha ha. That sounds weird. Pop-up popped-up... um... ok then.
Thank you for ordering, Miss Hermione Hanger ("Oh man. I hate typos.")
Your American cousin will be arriving... now...
Hearing the doorbell ring, Hermione jumped seven feet into the air. I'm not really sure how she was able to jump so high, but Hermione is one smart girl, so she was able to pull it off. 'Wow, they're good.' Hermione pushed her lab top back under her bed, and skipped her way to the front door to greet her cousin that had come to visit unexpected-like for the summer, because that's how it usually works. She was just about to open the door, when her muggle sister, Emily, jumped in front of her.
"What the fuck? I don't have a sister," Hermione explained, growing rather frustrated that things kept getting in the way of her and her cousin skipping around, eating pudding and giggling about boys. First the large amount of time searching on the web, then Lucius Malfoy showing up at her bedroom window in a bear suit and eating her favorite raspberry bush because he was an extremely evil man like that, and now this. This was taking much longer then intended.
"Sure you do," Emily replied. "I just never had the privilege of being mentioned in the real Harry Potter books, so the author felt sorry for me and decided to give me a small part in her story. Now shut up so I can have my one moment in the limelight, you selfish know-it-all." Hermione began to wonder what she meant by 'Harry Potter books', but the thought was quickly pushed from her mind when she just realized what her sister had called her, and now she began to cry again for the... what is it? Third time? Sheesh... I don't even think Hermione cried that mush in the real books... whatever. That's the price you pay for being OOC.
Anywho, getting back on track, Emily turned around and flung the door open in a very slow and suspenseful way (not sure how she was able to slowly fling the door open), because since this was her only ever appearance... ever, she wanted to make it a performance people would remember. "Who art thou there?" she exclaimed in a very dramatic way.
"Like, omg! Hey cuz. Its like, me, tiff," the girl at the door cried with happiness, her accent thick and her speech filled with computer slang. Now it's time for me to explain to you in painful detail what she looked like, because this is always a very important part of these types of stories. Tiff Elizabeth Moonlight Shimmering-Star Water Lily Granger had long, velvet, silky, soft, yada yada yada, more delicate-type words, pink hair that cascaded down her back in loose curls. She had an hour glass figure, and (here we go again) purplish, bluish, goldish, redish... or maybe it was pinkish... indigo colored eyes with little silver specks that closely resembled stars. Her eyes turned yellowish, orangish green when the sunlight hit them, and a radiant shade of baby yellow, crappy brown, lime green, tickle me pink, red hot red, cool blue, a bunch of other random colors, and sexy ass purple when the moonlight hit them. In other words: she had one pair of fucked up eyes. She was also extremely brilliant, and had a dark, haunting, mysterious past that filled her soul with dread. 'Original', isn't it? KNOw 1 BetTa stee1 my ideaa!1!
"Again I cry, who art thou?" Emily repeated... uh... right... Hermione rolled her eyes. 'This is ridiculous... bloody fanfiction writers with their long, pointless paragraphs that have nothing to do with anything...'
"its like, me... your Mary-Sue amrican cuz, cuz," Tiff answered, letting out a soft giggle that was perfectly in tune, twirling a strand of her pink hair, and showing off her pearly whites.
Emily stared at her with furrowed eyebrows. "What art thou talking about? As thou can see we are British, and an American cousin is... well... impossible." Hermione then somehow got ahold of Draco's handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this, and shot her, because she was pointing out the obvious, and that's not kewl. How Hermione was able to get ahold of it is a mystery only Sherlock Holmes can solve... but he's dead... so too bad.
"Hello cousin," Hermione greeted, stepping over her sister's dead body.
"Hello cuz hermione," Tiff replied.
They embraced. Amazing.
Tiff had no idea Hermione was a witch... just an interesting fact to know, I guess.
"So, are you going to help me with my low self esteem, and no boy liking me problems?" Hermione asked as they let go of one another. Tiff nodded her head, and Hermione squealed with delight for the first time ever in her life. Well, since Tiff had no stuff with her because the author wanted to save time, Hermione and Tiff decided to just skip around, eat pudding, and talk about boys.
"So do u luv a boy?" Tiff asked randomly as they made another lap around Hermione's room, a spoonful of vanilla pudding in her mouth. Hermione almost choked on her own pudding. Love? Although Hermione was oh so very witty, love had never been a subject she was very good in. Neither was Algebra, though. Letters being numbers? That's just mental. Anyway, Hermione had never really thought about love. Love was just not her thing, and blah blah blah.
"Love?" Hermione mimicked.
"Thats write," Tiff answered. "its my job az ur mary-sue cuz to come and spend teh rest of the summer w/ u 2 help u get the wuv of ur life through a very wild, overeggig... however you spell it, makeover. its all in teh plut. did u even read wat we Mary-sue cuzz were used for." Hermione began to blush, because for once in her life, she didn't read something. Ohmagaw! This is unbelievable! It must be a sign of the apocaly- oh... wait... nevermind. It's just another OOC moment. False alarm.
"A makeover?" Hermione didn't like the sound of that. Tiff nodded her head, and Hermione hesitated. She began to debate with herself in her head wether or not to go along with her cousin's crazy idea, because the author liked the idea of the characters debating with themselves in their heads.
'Should I do it?'
'Go for it! You deserve a change.'
'I don't know... what if something goes wrong?'
'Don't think like that! Think about what good will come from this.'
'But what will my friends think when they find out?
'Who cares what they think? It's what you want. That's all that matters.'
'I... I-I can't! It's my best mate's little sister for goodness sake!'
'...Um... what...? Wrong plot...'
'Huh...? Oh, yea... so wait... what are we talking about then?
'Why you should get a makeover!'
'Oh...'
So Hermione continued to ponder about the pros and cons of her getting a makeover for the next five minutes, and finally came to a very 'unexpected' conclusion. "Well... alright. I mean, if I was in character right now, I would probably say something along the lines of, 'if a boy doesn't like me for who I am, they're not worth my time,' and, 'you're idea is completely insane,' but... I'm not. So, let's go!"
Tiff's face lit up with joy as she grabbed Hermione's wrist, and dragged her through the house, out the door, and to the nearest mall that was, ironically, five minutes away walking distance. What are the odds of that? When they got there, Tiff spun around, and began to examine Hermione, deep in thought about something that won't be mentioned, because the author had no idea what to say she was thinking about. A light bulb seem to appear on top of her head. Well, Tiff hated to waste electricity because that's just how she is, so she decided to turn it off. Just then, her idea vanished from her mind, and it wasn't until she turned it back on until she was able to remember what it was. The author had her do this a few more times because it amused her, but then she began to curse when she figured she was getting off-topic again for about the hundredth time, and had Tiff leave the light bulb on. Tiff's idea stayed secure in her head, and she decided to put her 'master plan' into action before it disappeared again.
Tiff grabbed ahold of her cousin's wrist again, and pulled her into the hair salon that was only a few feet away, because there is always a hair salon close by wherever Hermione and her cousin were at in these stories. Well, Tiff was not the type to wait and the author wanted to rush this story as quick as possible so she could get to the part in her fanfiction when Hermione and Draco have steamy, hot sex, so Tiff dragged Hermione over to a vacant chair, and began to explain to the hair dresser in great detail what she wanted.
"...and bangs. i wan her 2 have bangs, cus bangz r in."
The hair dresser stared at Hermione's hair with raised eyebrows, over at Tiff, back at Hermione's hair, back at Tiff, then began to hum the Phantom of the Opera. "Are you frickin' kidding me? How am I suppose to fix this?"
Tiff took a step towards the hair dresser, her eyes blazing with anger... not sure why she was so mad, but she was. "Lopk, ubetter do my cuzs' hare, or i will use mah supa freakie powers tha no1 nos about, not even u. An' not even me. do u see the beauty of it all?" The hair dresser nodded in fear, and quickly began to work on Hermione's hair. Well, the author didn't really feel like typing what the hair dresser was doing because that was just dumb, so she just decided to put a mindless yet witty:
A Bagillion Hours Later.
"Omg! I absolutely, like, luv it!" Hermione cried, petting her hair with glee as she walked out of the salon with her cousin. Hermione's voice was now suddenly filled with computer slang, and her personality seemed to be ten times more OOC then before. Grreeaaat... But what can you do? It's how these 'Hermione gets a makeover' stories work, and I have to stick with the main plot for obvious reasons. Anyway, Hermione was now a totally different person, and her self esteem was now through the roof.
"I new u would," Tiff replied with a broad smile. "itz like ur a ttly diff. person. U r now... HOAR-MIONE!" Oh, how right she was. No longer was Hermione plain old, boring, average Hermione Granger, but now she was plain old, boring, average Hermione Granger... with a slutty new look that won't be described until Hermione was on the Hogwarts' Express, because that's where it's usually described.
Well, since Tiff had helped her out, Hermione felt it was the right time to tell her cousin she was a witch. So... she did. And her cousin's reply was a bit of a shocker... You ready for this one? Alright, here we go...
Drum roll...
Suspense building...
Almost there...
"R u serious? Omg! so am I!" Tiff exclaimed. Whoa, didn't see that one coming...
"Really?" Hermione replied, her eyes growing wide.
"Uh huh," Tiff continued. "and, u no wat else? imma be goin' to hogwartz this year even though hog warts only alows peeps from england 2 go there, cus i only realized i was a which a few secs ago, and i'm gunna make out w/ all the boyz, cus thats teh only thing i eva do, until the time comes 4 me to destroy voldy-mort with my awesomely kewl supa powers thats even more powerfull then all wizardz put togetha, and than dieslowly in Harries arms. i am also snap's daughter."
Hermione nodded her head slowly, trying to understand as much as her cousin's computer slang as possible. "Uh... riight... yea... u do that... awesume..." She might of transformed into a computer slang speaking Mary-Sue, but this new Hermione still had alot to learn before she was Dramione cliché potential.
"Well, best b off 2 prepare 4... thingz," Tiff said with a wave.
Hermione understood that, and she began to panic. "wait! dont u need 2 stay here 4 teh rest of the sum, and like, talk an' giggle bout boys w/ me?"
"Hm... I could do tha'..." Tiff quickly gave her cousin another wave, before running off down the road, leaving a very confused Hermione to stand there alone. Hermione then shrugged and decided to head home because she had nothing better to do. When Hermione got home, she jumped over her dead sister - 'I should move that... oh well.' - and dashed up to her room, unsurprised to find a letter waiting there for her. There was always a letter waiting for a character when they returned to their room because it helped the plot for... some reason...
Hermione plucked up the parchment, ripped it open, and began to read. It was from Ron.
Yo, bitch,
Man, u wanna come and chill at my crib 4 awhile? we can play chess and shitz. Hit me up w/ ur answer, ho.
With wuv,
Ron.
Hermione jumped with joy. Oh, how she would love to go over to Ron's and show off her new look to everyone. Especially that Mary-Sue whore, Ginny. She would be oh so very jealous. Why did Hermione care if Ginny was oh so very jealous? I don't know. Must have to do with that point of view crap. Hermione could sure hold a grudge. But anyway, Hermione quickly stopped jumping for joy when she realized something: she wasn't suppose to see any of her friends until the next chapter when they're all on the Hogwarts' Express. There they would mistake her as a new student and hit on her until Hermione told them that it was really her, and then they would share a long, awkward ride to Hogwarts together. Draco would also burst in a good one or two times, be all OMG EMO, and she would think about his odd behavior for the rest of the trip. That's how these Dramione clichés work, and Hermione always followed the rules of the plot. So, with a large sigh, Hermione pulled out a parchment and quill, and, with no ink mentioned, began to write a long, heartfelt reply to Ron, not telling him the real reason because her makeover was suppose to be a surprise.
Ron,
I can't come over, because... well... um... let's see... I have to go... see... Victor! That's right! Even though I have explained countless times that me and Victor are just platonic friends, I feel it's time to tell you that I lied, and me and him are going to spend a romantic summer together, and shag like rabbits a good twenty times. And I don't care if you're jealous, because me and Victor make a SUPER CUTE couple. I'm also pregnant with his child. That's right. Sucks for you.
Anyway, hope your summer is going good. I'll see you at school.
With love,
Hermione.
Hermione sent the letter off with a strange owl that just suddenly seemed to be there. She sighed with sadness as she watched it disappear over the horizon. She knew Ron was going to be a jealous wreak after he read it, but it had to be done... for the sake of the plot...
Miles away at the Burrow.
"Omg! I am so jealous!" Ron cried as he read through the letter from Hermione a fifth time, only receiving it a few seconds ago. He then wepted into his pillow for the rest of the summer because he's just so sensitive like that. Also, Harry and Ginny had hot, steamy sex in some closet somewhere. Interesting.
Back at Hermione's.
"wowzer, that was random," Hermione told herself with a sigh. "hm..., now wat am i 'pose 2 do? I got my make-over, so... now wat? Does teh chap end? sHould I reed or somein'?" Well, the author thought this was a good idea , but remembered that she wasn't going to let her do this unless cats began to fly, and they still- oh, what the hell?
Just then, a cat flew by at top speed.
Hermione then spent the rest of the summer reading Howarts; A History a good fifty times because it was the only book she ever read in fanfictions, staring at herself in the mirror because she was so TTLY HAWT now, and having her parents buy her a bunch of skanky clothes for school, even though she couldn't ever wear them to school because Hogwarts has a strong dress code that everyone seems to forget about. But she's going to anyway because she was a rebel now. And now the chapters almost over. But how to end it?
"u know," Hermione began with narrowed eyes, turning her attention away from her book, "Dracos P.O.v. was mooch longer than moi's - 129 words 2 bee exact. U think i wouldnt not!xe,butt i've already 'plained that I m Hermione granger, and i not!ce thingz. I think u should mak iy fair, go back, and typ 129 more-"
Alright, that's it. The end... of this chapter.
"Hey! i m not dune talkin'! draco may nut care ig u interrupt him, but i sure-"
-:-
To be continued.
-:-
A/N: Phew. Geez, that took a while. Damn... that was way longer then chapter one. Alright, now after I typed this, I think chapter one is much better, but whatever. Hope you still liked it... now I'm nervous that you won't. :( Haha! I sound like such a wussy in these author notes. Anyway, please read and review. I don't care if you flame it, because they make me laugh, and I'm going to continue anyway. Oh, and don't worry, Hermione won't talk like that through the whole story. Also, if you read the white out part, I wrote a secret message in the second sentence. Can anybody guess what it is? Haha! What the hell? Anyway, the next chapter will be up soon. It's called: Chapter III: A Very Unoriginal Train Ride. Hope you enjoy. :)