Chapter 2: Alone

The meeting ended shortly after my freak-out episode. Dr. McPhee said that she wanted to see me three times a week now. Great! I was perfectly fine with one day a week, but now three! I take it as it is and leave the office. I walk to my car and get in. If I could, I would drive over to the 16th precinct right now and bury myself in paperwork, but the Captain said that I need to take a break from working because, 'I'm not suitable to be a detective at this moment'. Well what am I supposed to do to pay my bills? I sigh, start the car and drive home in silence. When I do get home, I suddenly get the feeling that I don't want to go inside. I'm just going to expect silence as usual. Nobody to greet me, nobody to greet back. Suddenly my phone buzzes from my pants pocket. I pull it out and check the message. It was from Jenna.

Jenna Raymond just recently came to 'work' at 16th precinct, three months ago. She is only 14 years old though. From what I know, Jenna took the police entrance exam when she was seven and she passed the whole thing. The state of New York didn't want her to be a police officer at her young age, so instead they gave her the chance that when she becomes an old enough age, she can become a police officer without any exam. The state also allowed her to work at different police precincts for a year each. She has worked with Homicide, Narcotics, etc, etc, and three months ago, Cragen begged Tucker to let her work at SVU for a awhile. Tucker agreed and that's how Jenna came into the picture. Jenna is extraordinary smart, and she is very useful at many cases, but she is also a little bitch. She loves to torment me as much as she can, and if I tell Cragen what she is doing, she goes crying to him saying that I am being horrible to her! I tell you, Jenna has Cragen wrapped around her little finger.

'Hey Detective Benson. How are you feeling?' Jenna's message says. Another thing about Jenna; she doesn't call me or the rest of team by our first names, like we asked her too. She calls us Detective and our last names. It's really annoying because I'd rather be called Olivia by her.

'Peachy. How's the team without me?' I text back.

'They won't stop talking about you. Detective Stabler is the most worried. Detective Munch hasn't said any of his lame conspiracy theories like he always does, and Detective Tutuola...he is just really quiet today. Me, I'm a little worried myself. Your meltdown two days ago kind of scared everyone.'

I groan after reading the text. I didn't have a meltdown! Well...I guess I did. I was snapping at Jenna to stop being a bitch, when one of those flashbacks came over me and next thing I know, I'm on the floor screaming. Elliot freaked out. He kept yelling 'Get a bus!' and 'Liv calm down!'. Finally when I did calm down, everyone was just to shocked to talk or do anything. I was so mortified. Finally Cragen told everyone to get back to work and took me into his office. That's when he said that I need help and sent me to Dr. McPhee.

'Don't worry. I'm okay. Just had a moment, that's all'

'Detective Benson, that wasn't a moment. That was something more that that. When you were screaming on the ground, you said 'Don't hurt me!'. I don't want to seem nosy, but...what happened to you that is causing 'this'?'

I sigh. I don't know if I should tell her. Number one, she is just a kid. Number two...its too painful to even remember.

'I don't want to talk about it'

'Ok...I may be a bitch to you...but when it comes to things that are important, I am very serious about it. I keep secrets. Got to go, hope to see you back at the precinct soon. Bye.'

I slip my phone back into my pants pocket and get out of the car. At some point I was going to have to go inside the empty apartment. I walk into the building and up a flight of stairs to my apartment. I unlock the door and walk inside. It seemed gray and dead.

"I'm home," I call out to no one. No husband, not even a boyfriend. No children, no pets, no family. No one. No one.

I shut the door behind me and drop my stuff on the ground. I walk around, everything just seems like blah. Everything is nothing. I hate being alone. I then walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. People have told me, especially Elliot, that I am attractive. If I'm so attractive, then why do I feel so ugly! If I'm so attractive, then why don't I have guys dating me? Nobody loves me. Tears that were threatening to fall, just came down like a waterfall. Why? Why was I blessed with the burden of being a child of rape? Why did I have a mother, who never loved me like a mother should? Why am I me? I can't bear to look into the mirror anymore.

I walk out of the bathroom, and into the kitchen. There is an Exacto Blade right on the counter. It's pointy top was gleaming, tempting me. I roll up the right sleeve of my shirt and grab the Blade. A shiver of fear goes down my back. My mind is telling me to do it, but my gut is telling me I shouldn't. I usually follow my gut, but today I follow my mind. I put the blade against my wrist, put slight pressure on the blade, and slowly pull it across my skin. I watched the blood drip down my wrist and on my hand. I feel a little better. It made me feel like I'm in control. I wipe up the blood with a paper towel and made sure there was no other blood anywhere. I trudge to my room and collaspe on my bed. I suddenly feel so tired. Like I can sleep for weeks. I hold my cut wrist to my chest and doze off into a deep, pained sleep.