THANK YOU to everyone who has read and followed and favourited and reviewed.
Extra love goes to those who review because a writer can't ever get anywhere without readers to guide them.
And a special shout out to Jo MH3 who's PM gave my teeny-tiny ego a lovely little boost.
This is perhaps more of a filler chapter. There's not a whole lot of action but I felt it was important for establishing how my Stefan is thinking. It is still sticking more-or-less to the 5x04 storyline but as I said I felt it was necessary to help you understand my version of events once I start to deviate from the show.
Elena appeared at their table not long after Caroline had left. She looked expectant when she greeted him and Stefan didn't understand why. All day she had looked at him expectantly, questioningly. But there was something else too; like she was assessing him or awaiting his judgment. It was like she wanted his opinion on something; only he couldn't remember the question. And that pissed her off because he should be paying attention to her, but why? His head hurt. It was all very confusing and if he was honest a bit scary, like they were waiting for him to know something and once he did, once the penny dropped, the dynamics would change.
The three of them went back to the boarding house, a strange, tense atmosphere hanging over them. Stefan wasn't entirely sure why but from what he gathered Elena was angry at Damon for not telling Stefan all about her. 'How self involved' he couldn't help but think, as he tried his best to ignore the duo. After all, today was meant to be about getting his memories back; learning about his own life, not hearing about his brother's girlfriend.
Finally alone Stefan stood savouring the peace and quiet, revelling in the sudden relaxation that came from no longer being watched incessantly. The happy couple had needed to speak privately about something, about what he didn't care, and he was more than happy for the opportunity to leave them to it. Free from Elena's smothering prodding's of 'what about this, do you remember this?' and Damon's passive aggressive jabs including the condescending over use of 'little brother' to address him. Ok yes, they had been trying to help him, but it was all a lot to take in. Stefan was pretty sure he still needed time to process the fact that he had no memories, never mind all the facts and information they had been incessantly firing at him. But all confusing thoughts and observations were pushed easily from his mind by the image of the captivating blond playing over and over again in his mind.
So here he stood alone in his room, feeling a soft buzz from the alcohol, a pleasant lightness from his encounter with Caroline and a hint of mild curiosity as he surveyed his personal space, but still no 'eureka!' spark of recognition. He flicked absently through a diary at the top of a pile of diaries, on a shelf of diaries, in a bookcase full of diaries. It was daunting. His life, his thoughts and feelings and opinions all recorded and stored right in front of him. But he wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to read them. Maybe there would be things he didn't want to remember, things he had previously wished to forget. After all, wouldn't it be bad things you'd write down, things to get off your chest, get out of your system. If you were blissfully happy you wouldn't really take the time to sit down and write about it. Keeping a diary was more of a therapeutic tool; like an emotional detox; a sulky, sullen, broody type of pastime. He let his fingers drift across the older leather spines crammed into the top shelf. Wow, that's a lot of brooding. Stefan pulled his hand away and turned his back.
He turned his attention instead to the few picture frames dotted about the room, searching for hints of personality and clues to relationships all forgotten. His eyes scanned quickly around to locate them all, doing a quick count of the framed snap-shots to his life, and then he saw it. A picture of him and Caroline. This was good. This meant she was an important part of his life. Stefan reflexively smiled in answer to the sparkling grin on the alluring blond staring up at him. He could almost see the joy and excitement flowing out of her and infecting his past self, with her arm hooked tightly around his neck and her temple resting against his as her other arm reached out holding the camera. There closeness was comfortable, Stefan noted. His thoughts jumped to tonight, to this party, to seeing Caroline again and he recognised the feeling tingling through his muscles as excitement. He savoured the feeling, eager and delighted. Stefan caught himself thinking that maybe he should read the diaries after all, or at least skim through them for entries about Caroline.
Then another picture caught his eye and unwillingly pulled his attention. His smile slipped into a frown. It was a picture of him and Elena. That wasn't right. It was too intimate. Their closeness, their touch, too familiar. Stefan thought about the unexplained tension that had cropped up every now and again, her strange anger with Damon, the impression she gave him that she was put out by his memory lose as though insulted or hurt by it. Stefan looked again at the picture before turning it face down on the table.
An icy hand squeezed around his stomach as a terrifying thought struck him. What if he was involved in some horrible love triangle of unrequited love for his brother's girlfriend? Oh God, please say he didn't have feelings for his brother's girlfriend.
Then an idea came to him. Damon had been explaining some of the insider knowledge on vampirism to him, the perks of the lifestyle, one of which was super sensitive hearing. Maybe if he could listen in on them he would get more information than the little titbits they were spoon feeding him. Maybe if he could listen in to them arguing about why Elena was annoyed, or why Damon hadn't told him whatever it was she wanted him to know, he might get a better sense of who they were and what their relationships with him might be like. Stefan closed his eyes and concentrated hard, listening intently for any noise coming from downstairs. He pushed out with his mind, with his senses and felt his awareness widen.
"...you heard from her?" Elena's voice echoed up to him just as loudly as if she were standing next to him, there was a desperate, needy tone to her voice.
"No. No-one has. We don't even know where she is." Damon answered her sounding frustrated.
"But we need her help Damon. She always fixes things, it's what she does." Elena moaned.
None of it meant anything to Stefan and he couldn't bear to listen any longer. How on earth could he have developed a crush on someone as self-centred as that? 'Poor Damon', he thought with a cringe, thank God she was his problem. Stefan tuned them out again, turning instead to look through the book and music collections. He wondered if he would still like the same things now that his memories were gone, taking away the familiarity and fond associations that so often bond us to our favourite things. A knock at his door interrupted him as he was about to press play on what seemed to be a well worn 'Bon Jovi' record. Stefan turned to see Elena leaning casually against the door frame and felt a stab of annoyance.
"So I was thinking maybe I could show you around? Maybe take you to some familiar places and see if it triggers anything?" Stefan hesitated, not really wanting to go with her but not sure what choice he had.
"Where's Damon?" he asked her without answering in an attempt to stall her. Her smile vanished.
"He had something to take care of." she looked confused, again looking upset that he would rather spend time with his brother, what was her problem? Seeing no other way out Stefan reluctantly agreed, cringing internally as she instantly turned up the volume of her smile. It had nothing on Caroline's smile, he thought as he followed her out, choosing not to listen as soon as she started to talk. Caroline's smile was so warm; it projected her affectionate and friendly personality to anyone who received it. Elena's smile, however, was laced with charm and confidence. While Caroline smiled with a big heart and kind nature Elena smiled with power, like a girl used to getting what she wanted and it made Stefan suspicious of her intentions.
Betrayal.
Anger.
Heart break.
He felt them all like hot burns searing his flesh. But it was a strange sort of pain. A disconnected sort of pain. Like an awful idea or a disturbing thought that causes you to shudder and wince just considering it, instead of a real wound open and festering with a continued throbbing pain announcing its existence with every beat of your heart.
He had no memory of the events themselves. He couldn't remember loving Elena, he couldn't remember losing her to his brother, he couldn't remember the pain of seeing them together. But he could imagine it. Imagine the agony and the torment. He understood the betrayal. To him, right now, with no memory, it wasn't real. Not really. But it was the principle of it. The knowledge that the two people who were suppose to love him most had willingly broken his trust, broken his heart. How could they do that to him? How could they treat him like that? What about respect and loyalty and faithfulness and love?
He ran aimlessly through the woods, a small part of his brain registering that this was what vampire speed felt like as the world dissolved into a blur, and a rush-so strong and powerful-hummed through his body like an electric current, urging him to go further and faster until he thought he might dissolve into the blurs himself. But the thrill and euphoria was dwarfed by the chilling thoughts running their own dizzying loops through his head. Only one thought stood out clearly in the confused tangle - get away from Elena. Get away from what she represents. As though if he could run away far enough he could run away from the knowledge of what she had done to him.
He realised then exactly what Damon had meant when he spoke earlier about 'the monster taking over'. Damon had warned him about keeping the animal at bay and holding his urges in check. But now he didn't care, he couldn't have even if he wanted to. Anger burned through any barriers of self restraint that where unconsciously in place, eating away his conscience and throwing him into instinct. Beneath the sizzling thrill of his speed, under the euphoric release of letting the monster out, Stefan became aware of a new pain. Different to the emotional pain of betrayal and heartache. A more primal pain. A pounding ache. A torturous need. A hypnotic desire.
A Thirst!
As quickly as the feeling hit him, the answer was just as clear.
Blood.
A surge of power overwhelmed his brain then, erasing all rational thought and replacing it with the mind of a predator hunting for his prey.
I'm sorry I know there was a distinct lack of Steroline but this was just to set the scene for the next chapter which will be full of Steroline moments. As always comments are welcome. Tell me what you like and what you don't like, or if you spot an annoying mistake, it's the only way I can get any better at this so please help me.