Sorry I accidently uploaded the wrong draft of the second chapter I'm realising that my uploading and downloading is becoming somewhat of a joke and appreciate the patience of my readers. This is the first fanfiction I've ever written and I'm still getting use to the site. Once again my aplogies.
"You're not saving her. You know that right?" Kaidan Alenko didn't bother responding to Joker as he continued his work on the bridge, a little perturbed by the lieutenant's continued stoicism decided to prod a little harder. "If you want someone to save I've heard that Edwards in engineering had a horrible childhood. I think that she would respond far better to someone trying to fuck her into normal mental health." The biotic tensed pausing as he found himself momentarily unable to concentrate on the task at hand.
Bullseye. A smug grin formed across Joker's face, watching the lieutenant from the corner of his eye as he worked. "Don't get me wrong, I mean she's undoubtedly the hottest piece of commanding ass this side of…"
"No one is asking your opinion Joker." The reply was curt. An almost defeated tone in his voice, there could well have been. This had been the pilot's chosen topic for the past 20 minutes and Kaidan was growing tired of finding other ways to tell him it was none of his business.
"Well, maybe people should ask my opinion more often. Avoid shit like this. She's just such a bitch all of the time. I don't know how you can stand it." Joker halted the conversation as another bridge member walked past during their own duties. Watching them leave the vicinity before continuing his little tirade. Torturing Alenko himself was much better than informing the rest of the crew of the tryst. This would be nowhere near as much fun if he had to endure an entire ship of constant whispers.
Joker leant over to the unwilling partner in his conversation, whispering in an almost conspiratorial way, "So is she completely different when you're alone, Loving and nurturing?" He smirked, watching Alenko grind his teeth in response to the new tact. "Does she beg you to…"
Kaidan stood closing down his terminal and stalking his way behind Joker who was trying his hardest not to laugh at the rise he had finally managed to bring out in his usually mild mannered colleague. A strong hand clapped on to his shoulder squeezing a little harder than was jocular. "You really should stop spending all of your time watching those security cameras. It's frankly a little creepy how interesting you find this."
"You know it's just my jealousy LT." Joker called to his back as Kaidan made his way off the bridge. "I just want to be you!" he yelled unable to mask the amusement in his voice any longer.
"Get a hobby." Alenko waved dismissively behind him as the joker laughed at his retreating form. Chuckling loudly now, revelling in his little victory.
Alenko made his way back to his usual station outside the lockers, and looked down upon the console, lost in thought not really seeing anything, unable to focus. Joker's words would not usually have had any effect on him. However, recently Alenko had begun to entertain his own doubts about what he had with the commander and the pilot's verbalisation of some of them did not help the situation. Kaidan gripped the console with both hands letting out a guttural groan as he pushed himself on and off the console quickly in a sign of agitation. The small outburst was cut short by footsteps coming up from the lockers.
"Lieutenant." Her eyebrow arched at him as her eyes appraised the situation, always appraising. "Everything ok with the console?"
"It's fine ma'am, no problems at all." Kaidan ran his hand through his hair the action a little more sudden and violent than what was usual before meeting her gaze. He was slightly taller than his Commanding officer. He liked that. He watched her eyes as she once again examined his face searching for something that he hoped he was not showing.
"Okay, don't let me keep you then." Nothing more was said. She moved the hair from her face meeting his stare once more before continuing her duties. A slight shiver went through his spine as he knew his presence would again be required that evening. Not that the task was abhorrent, far from it. He loved her, she knew it, he knew it, hell even joker knew it. Why he did? That was the question that he was unable to answer.
After finishing his shift Alenko locked one of the sleeping pods in the corner from the outside, he did so before each of their rendezvous. It served as a useful cover as to his whereabouts, an alibi he had come up with after one uncomfortable conversation with Garrus who he had been seeking advice on fixing the Mako, he was more than a little curious as to why he had been able to locate Kaidan on such a small ship. Locking the sleep pod ensured it had never happened again. He found his way to her door, taking a deep breath before entering.
The commanders room was always a few degrees cooler than the rest of the ship, he remembered the first night he had come here, as per usual his head had been lightly throbbing from the biotics but the cool air and darker lights of the private quarters had been a welcome reprieve from the rest of the ship, everything about that night had been a welcome reprieve.
Shepard looked up from her computer as he entered, feeling her continued gaze as he locked the door behind him. Alenko turned and began to undress while he walked towards her, she was already in a state of undress wearing only a military issue blue tank top and small shorts, her shift had finished hours ago and her hair was still damp from the shower she must have had. They rarely spoke during these encounters, the first night had been different of course, and Kaidan had been a nervous mess as he entered her quarters. The Spectre had clearly been stressed, the lines on her face and black circles beneath her eyes had shown the entire crew, how hard the whole situation had been on her. Well at least that's what he had thought as he went to her room that night, his concern had begun to affect his performance in battle and he needed to know, needed to do something for her. She had appraised him as he stood before her, fumbling through small talk to say what he really meant. Appraising him with the same eyes, empty and devoid of emotion that she always wore. He had noticed a few weeks into his stationing alongside the hero of the alliance that none of the emotions she exhibited ever reached her eyes. Anger, fear, laughter her face would go through the motions but her eyes, they were always the same: analysing, sizing up everything and everyone that came within her scope. Wrex had picked it immediately, and had told Kaidan in no uncertain terms that she was the only human he had ever met that had deeply unnerved him. She unnerved everyone, most of them just didn't know why.
But on that night he had ignored her eyes, he had made no secret of his feelings towards the CO, and as he watched her bobbing her head coyly, her body and words inviting him he had suspended his disbelief and dove into the situation head, or rather lips first. The night had been everything he had hoped for her body, her heat, her smell had all intoxicated him as the two soldiers feverishly explored each other. Her skin was harshly marked by her battles and experiences, he found scars of all types over her while he gently kissed his way down her body. Mostly from blasters, occasionally deep gouges that may have been from blades, he had half expected it Shepard's face was bisected by a large scar, but the extent of one on her abdomen had taken him aback a little. It was large and deep bearing the slight gloss of healed burns, probably from an explosive blast of some kind. That night he had simply continued to worship her body and held her hips while his mouth tried savour every inch of her form. A few weeks later she had caught him pausing at it, and had answered the question before he had asked.
"Akuze. And also the reason why we don't have to worry about contraception." Her voice had been matter of fact ending the topic before it had started.
But during that first night Kaidan had loved her, he had watched her face as she writhed beneath him her eyes closed head lulled back. He had his breath taken away as she returned his affections, gazed lovingly down on her while she made her way down his muscled form. Held her tight as they lay spent in each other's arms. She had fallen asleep so quickly and he took the opportunity to examine her sleeping face stroking her hair while her steady breathing caused small goose bumps to spread across his chest.
But that was gone, now she made her way to his shirtless form, her touch needy, running her hand from his bicep to behind his ear, before bringing her mouth to his in what under any other circumstances would have been described as passionate embrace. Shepard was a skilled lover and their meetings were more than enjoyable apart from the lack of any kind of emotional attachment. Kaidan found himself getting more than a little excited at the thought of what was to come as she began to undo his fatigues running her hand down the front of his pants rather than peeling them off completely, watching his face as he let out a small groan grasping at her hand encouraging her on while the other began to work its way up the back of her singlet. Jane twisted her hand around and pulled him by the front of his shorts back to the bed kneeling in front of him as she ran her hands down the sides of his thighs taking his pants as she went. Kaidan for his part was pulling at her top waiting for her to finish undressing him before tugging it off none too slowly. He let out a hoarse rasp as he felt her breath upon him. Still standing before her as she focused solely on the task at hand, Kaidan's actions see-sawing between carefully running his hands through her hair and removing his hands altogether as he tried to control himself. She never looked at him when any of this happened. He knew why, he had known since the first morning.
He had awoken to find himself alone in the bed lazily he looked about to find her already dressed and watching him. Not with the eyes of a lover, but with the same emotionless gaze she always had. He couldn't focus and again he found his mouth working without his brain.
"It's been a long time since I've met a woman who, um…" He was lost he looked into her eyes and nothing came he couldn't focus, couldn't continue. Thankfully an announcement from Joker interrupted his ramblings.
"Bridge to Commander Sheppard. We're 5 minutes out from the Mu relay."
"You know I don't think I've got all my stress worked out yet." Her voice, her actions, her smile, all betrayed by her eyes. He knew in that instant that she had used him. But why? His head was reeling.
"Jokers waiting for you on the bridge!" He had not intended for the words to come out that way but, the anger was building in him had shocked even himself. Shepard raised an eyebrow and narrowed her eyes a little at the outburst.
"I swear though, if anything happened to you…" his mouth was working without his consent again, but it abated her curiosity and she left the quarters ahead of him.
After Sovereign the Normandy was still a mess; most of the crew had left staying in what was left of the citadel. Alenko and Shepard were no different. It had been early in the morning when she buzzed on his door. He stumbled to it finding her there in the shorts and singlet she usually slept in. The exposed skin showing just how much of her was bandaged and bruised, she slunk past him into his room visibly favouring one leg.
Again she began to move her head in the same coy manner she had ensnared him with before, her actions and words all perfect and inviting, Alenko couldn't help but wonder if it was all in his head as she reached up to kiss him. He stopped her hand as she traced down his face. Standing before her in the boxers he slept in. Shepard ignored the rebuke continuing to whisper sweet nothings her mouth nipping and kissing at his collar bone.
"Stop it." But she continued, her touch becoming more forceful. He sidestepped away from her lips still holding her hand tightly. "Look at me." His eyes focused on nothing but hers.
"Nothing happened to me Alenko, I'm still here. With you." Her gaze was haphazard, never quite meeting his. So she knows her eyes don't lie, he thought to himself.
"Don't bullshit me Jane. I'm not a moron I never have been." Her eyes were suddenly locked on his. He could see them working evaluating every move his face made. "You want sex, I get that. I do, but don't pretend this is something more." Shepard straightened up her posture, staring straight into his eyes the lustful smile and feminine movements disappearing from her frame as he stared defiantly back at her. It was then that he saw something flash in her eyes, which confused him at that time.
"I'm sorry. I used you and that was wrong." Her voice was terse and she enunciated each word. "It was a lapse in judgement and it won't happen again" She was no longer girlishly avoiding his gaze she was standing before him as a spectre.
Alenko felt his face go a little red he wasn't sure if it was anger, excitement or vindication. His expression still stony and somewhat angry.
"That's it then." She made no play at pretence and went to leave the room but Alenko still gripped her hand preventing her exit.
"Just be honest with me Jane."
She looked him over once again as his face softened, "If you ever want this over with you just give the word is that clear?"
"Crystal." Kaidan guided her hand back to where it had been on his cheek before silently assenting to whatever the hell this was.
"Good." She grasped at his head desperately before exploring his mouth with her tongue.
Even now her touch was as desperate as it had always had been, she would trail her fingers across his body testing with a feather touch or harsh pressure, where she could elicit the best response as though he were a machine that simply needed to have code pressed in, in the correct combination in order to achieve the desired response. He didn't mind because most of the time she was right. They had made their way to her desk Kaidan standing behind her as he ground his hips against hers. She was letting out ragged breaths as he held her against the work station, he enjoyed the brief rush of power knowing that it wouldn't last. As if reading his thoughts she removed herself from him and sat on the desk, inviting the different position, her hands snaking about his now slick back, while his gripped her hips tightly before returning to their rhythm.
A few weeks after the incident at the citadel Kaidan had looked up some old stock footage of Jane. Finding information on humanities first spectre was hardly a difficult task there had been three documentaries and many news exposes trying to make sense of the actions and life of Commander Jane Sheppard. But Kaidan wasn't listening to the incessant babble in the videos; he was just watching the old images and videos of Shepard, watching her eyes. Learning that she hadn't been born a sociopath, it was reassuring but unhelpful. The old photos showed a young woman whose eyes had moved from sadness, in the survivor reports on Mindoir to normalcy in the early years of her service and finally a melancholy that turned to apathy after Akuze. The revelation spurred him on and gave him hope.
His forehead was now on hers she was kissing his lips occasionally sucking and biting on his bottom lip to drive him harder. His movements became more erratic his thrusts no longer a steady pace. She wrapped her legs around him pulling her harder into herself trying to stabilize her breathing, his hand cupping her breast making her all the more susceptible to what was coming.
"Jane," His eyes levelled focused on her tightly closed eyelids. "Jane I love you." His other hand had come up behind her head holding her in place as she opened her eyes to meet his.
It came out as a husky rasp "Kaidan." Sending him and shortly after her over the edge. But it wasn't his name that pushed him over the edge night after night. It was her eyes. Or rather the emotion that had escaped him the night they had spent on the citadel. The emotion that came every time they fucked like this. The brief flash of guilt in her eyes, the thought that she may in some way be suffering even a little of what he was, that some small sadistic part of him enjoyed that for the fact alone. But for the other part of him, the part that loved her, it served as a small glimmer of hope, hope that she was able to be saved. And that he was the one who could save her.