Thanks for reading! I see there are some Jasper fans here ;)
This chapter has been beta'd by PTB Betas - Aniseed and Love of Escapism - thank You so much for your work and help!
I do not own anything Twilight.
2. Let go
It was Felix who brought me the news of Alice's death. I didn't know how long it was after my change – keeping up with the time was already hard for me then. For the first days, weeks, maybe months, I was kept in total darkness. I woke up from the physical pain and the burning only to find myself in an emotional hell. I relived his death time and time again, curled up against the wall, as the waves of guilt and despair floated through me.
Felix didn't tell me why or how, but I did not question whether his words were true. The day he came with the news, he brought me a few books and installed a light in my room. I wasn't grateful. I kept myself still with my eyes shut, wishing to disappear. I refused to be fed. I refused to answer their questions. I refused to acknowledge I was even there. Edward was right about one thing – vampires were certainly cursed.
"***"
The water in the shower turned cold but it didn't bother me. I used the soap and shampoo Esme had left for me. When the familiar strawberry scent hit me I almost doubled over with the sudden wave of hurt. I found myself on the floor, on my hands and knees. Vampires cannot cry. This inability of letting go was just another way of reminding me we were cursed.
I scrubbed myself clean and got out. Someone had left me clean clothes on the dresser and I put them on. My hair was damp and dripping water on my shirt but it didn't matter. It wasn't like I could catch a cold or something. I went back to the living room to find Carlisle there alone and I raised my eyes.
"Rosalie and Emmett went home. They don't live with us anymore," said Carlisle. "Esme is hunting. We can talk now in private."
I sat down opposite him and looked at his face closely for the first time since he entered my room at the Volturi's. He looked exactly the same as I remembered. I shouldn't have been surprised about it, but at the same time he was so different, like he'd aged a lot during the last two years.
"Bella, I am so sorry," Carlisle said softly, trying to catch my gaze.
I just stared at him. I was sorry too, I didn't even know where to begin.
"At first we didn't know you were even alive. Aro informed us about Edward, then Alice." He stopped. "You were not mentioned. We just assumed that..."
"I understand," I told him, although I didn't. "The Volturi wouldn't keep a human alive for that long."
"Yes," Carlisle continued. "But then someone from their guard sent us a message claiming he saw you and that you had been turned. It took us more than a year to get to you and convince them to let you go. I am so sorry we could not help you earlier."
He kept looking into my eyes, searching for something. I remembered feeling anger at the beginning. I was so sure they had left me behind. But why should they care anyway?I wasn't their daughter like the others.
"You are our daughter. We wouldn't have left you behind," said Carlisle and I widened my eyes with surprise. Did I just say that out loud or was he simply perceptive?
"I just wanted you to know we did everything we could to get you out of there. But, Aro wouldn't give up on you 'til he was sure you weren't gifted."
"I have nothing," I said. No superpowers, no visions of the future or mindreading, no wicked abilities to inflict pain.
"I wouldn't be so sure about it," Carlisle murmured. Then he took my hand. "I know you are confused right now but it will get better, just stay and let us take care of you, okay?"
Well, what else could I do?
"***"
"Bella, I'm going to town, would you like to join me?" Esme asked.
No matter how many times I refused she would always try again. I couldn't understand why they would keep up the appearances of human life when they obviously were nothing like humans. For me changing clothes, wearing shoes or even cleaning myself up were just fruitless motions. I couldn't be bothered with those.
I spent my days lying on the ground in the forest, watching the sky turn blue and black and grey again. I welcomed the rain since it calmed the outside world even more for me. When the first snow this winter covered the earth and everything went so quiet and peaceful, I felt a little better for the first time since Italy. Though I wished I could melt down along with the snow.
Sometimes, when the hunger would get unbearable, I would hunt. Rosalie tried to go hunting with me at the beginning, but after few times she left me to do it by myself. I wondered why she even came in the first place. She used to hate me so much when I was human. Maybe now, when I was turned against my will, she found she could relate to me. I was sure I noticed pity and guilt within her eyes when she looked at me. I overheard once a discussion about Rosalie being responsible for their deaths. But it was not her fault. It even wasn't mine. I knew that. Though I still felt it.
My phone beeped. Carlisle insisted I should have one but it was rarely charged. Someone must have done it for me because I didn't remember fixing it. It was a text from Esme: Come home please.
I had not realized Esme had left. I got up and started toward the house.
"***"
Everyone was in the living room, including Rosalie and Emmett who apparently came for a visit. I sat on the couch, noticing that I was dripping water and mud, leaving stains on the carpet and light plush of the cushions.
"We thought you'd like to come with us tomorrow," Carlisle began.
"Where to?" I found myself asking aloud.
On the periphery of my vision I saw Rosalie fidgeting nervously. Huh. That was a strange behavior.
"Well, it's the anniversary. It's been three years now."
Three years? When did the last one pass?
"We go tomorrow to light the candles on Edward's and Alice's graves," Carlisle continued. I knew they had those. They were symbolic, but did that make them any less real?
"What if someone sees me there?" I stuttered. I would be looking at my grave too. People in Forks knew Alice, Edward and I were in car accident. No one survived it. To some extent that was true.
"We will be careful," said Esme, taking my hand in hers. "We will go at night. No one will see you there. Honey, we think it is important for you to go and see it. You must move on."
I did not want to go. I did not want to move on.
"Okay," I said, despite my feelings. I didn't have the strength to argue or deny them anything.
"***"
It was so surreal to look at your own name imprinted on a gravestone. I'd seen it so many times in movies but was not prepared for the feeling of loss for my old life and being out of place. I lit a candle on Edward's and Alice's graves, even said the prayer, but those were just empty phrases. I had said my goodbyes in that dark cellar so long ago.
Suddenly I smelled something strange - strong and unpleasant. I heard a low growl behind me, then some movement and odd shuffling.
"Bella? Is that really you?" I heard a voice which I thought was lost along with my old life.
I turned and looked into the deep brown eyes of my best friend.
"Jake," I heard myself whisper. I fought the urgency to flee. I wasn't sure I was able to face him, not in the state I was in.
He came toward me and to my astonishment pulled me into a tight embrace. It felt like hugging a heater. It felt good.
"God, you smell so bad, but it's so good to see you, finally."
"You knew?" I was stunned.
"Yeah, Carlisle told us right after he'd found you. I'm so sorry I couldn't come to see you. Sam wouldn't let me do that. He doesn't approve contactwith..." he hesitated.
"Leeches," I finished for him and actually smiled a little.
He extended his arms to make some room to examine the new me. "You may smell bad but you sure look pretty," he grinned.
"Uh, thanks." If I could still blush I would have.
"I can't invite you to La Push, you know, but let's go somewhere we can talk, okay?" He pulled my hand and I let him lead me toward the La Push border. His hand in mine felt like fire. We sat on the fallen tree. Jacob was drawing small circles in the ground with a piece of tree branch that he had found.
"I called Carlisle almost every week - did he tell you this? I wanted to speak with you, but he said you weren't ready." Well, I guess I wasn't. I guess I wasn't ready for anything.
"I guessed you would come here today so I just waited in the bushes until you showed up." He smiled.
His smile was just as gorgeous as I remembered. I assessed his features. He seemed even larger that he used to be, his hair was short, he looked so… grown up.
"How are you?" I asked. I felt so ashamed I did not ask Carlisle about Jacob. It wasn't like I didn't care about him anymore. I just didn't care about me and life in general.
"Good, good. Working, finished school, thinking of going to college, ya know?" He looked like he was keeping something from me.
"Charlie?" I asked, feeling even more guilty for not keeping tabs on my own dad. I just knew he was healthy and still working as a cop in Forks.
"He's doing well. Sue's helped him a lot." Jacob was looking at me with concern in his eyes.
I sighed with relief. I was so afraid to hear more about Charlie. It was good he had someone to look after him.
"My dad passed away last year," Jake continued. "It's just me and..."
I raised my brow. And?
"And Leah now." Jacob looked ashamed.
"I am happy for you," I said. I kind of was. He deserved it. "Sorry about your dad."
"It's okay. We are managing."
We sat there for a while and I was afraid I was losing my track on time again, when Jacob stood up.
"I got to get going now," he said. "Please call me sometime, okay?"
"Sure, sure," I said, using his old favorite expression. Maybe I would.
"Oh, did you know that this other Cullen guy was here not that long ago?" Jake asked absentmindedly.
"The other guy?" I frowned.
"Ya know, the blond one? We smelled him near our boarder, followed him for a bit. He didn't seem okay and we were worried he might do something. But he left before we decided what to do with him."
"Jasper was here?" I was still in shock. I knew the family hadn't heard from him since the day they'd found out about Alice. "What do you mean he didn't seem ok?"
Jacob was clearly uncomfortable. "It's hard to say really. He just didn't. He looked... dirty? I mean, the Cullens were always those neat Aspen-look kind of guys. Well, let me tell you, the blond one was far from being neat. And he had this strange demeanor about him. At first we were worried he might attack someone here, but then he was so... I don't know. He just stood there. We did not speak with him. He left toward the Southern La Push boarder almost immediately after we spotted him."
"I have to go," I said and stood up.
I felt the urgent need to go South.