A Heart Of Ice
Part 2
The young dwarf's resolve carried him for about a week. He hunted what he could, kept care of his still healing wounds, steadily making his way northward.
The young dwarf would be the first to admit, though, that he was no healer. He hadn't truly thought things through when he'd started off on his quest. He had gone to the river that night half-thinking to die. As he moved through the wilderness, he began to realize that his wounds weren't healing properly. He would need to find help soon or he wouldn't be able to go on much longer.
XxX
Kili had managed to get his injuries to a point where the pain was manageable enough that he could move. Sometimes, though, the burning of the infected flesh made it near impossible to move. Tonight was such a night…and with how bad the agony had become, he wasn't sure he'd be able to rise again in the morning. So he kept going, crawling through the growing snowdrifts.
He knew that there was a town nearby from hunting trips into the area with Fili, and he could have sworn he was nearing it…but he'd been swearing that for about a day and a half now. Clearly, he'd gotten himself turned around…and probably would have continued to wander until he collapsed had he not suddenly fallen over a drop in the forest floor that had been hidden by the snow.
Kili tumbled several feet to the bottom of the hill…and for the barest moment, he didn't think he'd ever be able to rise again.
That was when he heard the sound of a bird chirping, where no bird had any business to be at this time of year. Slowly, Kili lifted his head…
…and found himself staring into a clearing in the middle of spring. At some line about a foot from his face, the snow vanished, turning into new spring grass. Flowers bloomed, birds fluttered about, singing their songs, and a stream trickled merrily through. By now, the poor dwarf figured he had completely lost it. The pain and the cold had become so bad, they'd finally sent him into delusions. Figuring he may as well die warm, he pulled himself the last few inches into the clearing.
"I'm sorry, Fili. I'm so sorry," Kili whispered as he curled up on the grass. "Sorry…I couldn't save you."
"Oh, dear," a strange voice sounded in his ear. "Oh, dear, dear, dear."
Kili glanced to the side. Though his vision was starting to darken around the edges, he thought he saw a man heading toward him, an old man dressed in tattered brown robes. Several birds flitted about his head, chirping in concern.
"Dear me, this wasn't supposed to happen…not at all. Boy, quickly, what's your name?"
"Huh?" he mumbled, consciousness starting to slip from his grasp.
"Tell me your name, quickly, before you lose it. The magic is working on you even now."
He thought…and for one horrifying moment, he couldn't grasp it. His name? He had one. Of course, he did…surely…what…?
Kili…he vaguely heard the warm voice of his brother in his head…a distant memory.
"Kili," he said quietly before finally losing consciousness.
XxX
The young dwarf could not have known it with the state he was in, but this man he'd stumbled across was actually a wizard. The old one kept the clearing where his cottage lay separate from the rest of the world with a spell. His little clearing was kept safe and was in perpetual spring.
The wizard didn't know how, but his unexpected guest had somehow seen through his magic, and as the spell kept the rest of the world from knowing his home was there, it was now having the opposite effect on the dwarf, keeping him from remembering the outside world. The spell had caused him to forget everything he had ever known, and the wizard knew reversing it wasn't so simple a thing as sending him back through the barrier. The young dwarf would have to remember on his own…or he would be lost forever.
XxX
He was summoned from his deep sleep by the strong scent of herbs. The next thing he noticed was a dull ache all along the back of his body. When he started to shift, he heard a voice a few feet away.
"Don't move too much, Kili. You've been badly injured."
Slowly opening his eyes, he lifted his head to see an old man bent over a kettle on a fire, retrieving strips of cloth from the boiling water.
"Kili?" he mumbled weakly, head dropping back to the bed he was lying on.
"Your name, I believe. It was the name you gave me before you passed out. You've been unconscious for nearly two days now. Your wounds had become infected and you'd come down with a bad fever. It's only just now beginning to break," the old man explained as he carried the strips of cloth to him.
"Kili," the young dwarf repeated several times. It seemed like a good enough name, even though he felt no particular attachment to it. There was no reason to doubt it was his name.
"Do you remember anything else?" the old man asked as he applied the new dressings to his wounds. Kili hissed at the brief sting, but then tried to distract himself by casting out his mind, trying hard to remember something…anything.
"I was…looking for something…" he said slowly. He knew that much. There had been something…so important…but he couldn't remember what.
"Well, you've been through something very traumatic. Memory loss can happen. Perhaps you will remember in time."
"Where am I?" Kili asked, looking up at the old man again.
"My home. I am Radagast the wizard. I'm not entirely certain how you found my little hideaway; most people can't see it, but you're certainly welcome to stay here until your wounds have fully healed."
"Thank you," Kili said quietly, allowing his head to drop once more. It bothered him terribly that he could remember nothing, but at the same time, he was still so very exhausted, still sick from whatever horrible experience he'd been through. As of right now, he had little choice but to rest…rest and hope he could somehow regain his memory…somehow get back whatever it was that was so important.
XxX
Gradually, the young dwarf's injuries healed and his illness passed…but his memory did not return. There were even times when he wasn't certain he did want it back. He knew from his wounds that he had been whipped…probably to within an inch of his life…and worse than that even…that he had been raped. What had happened to him? Had he committed some terrible crime…or had he been a victim? He didn't know.
The days passed in this way for some time, time passing by in something of a blur for the young dwarf…until one day, he happened to be out in the wizard's garden…
XxX
There were always new flowers blooming in Radagast's little clearing. Sometimes Kili liked to walk around and just look at all the different kinds, as there were many exotic ones he'd never seen before. Today, though, it wasn't something new and exotic that caught his eye; it was something…strangely familiar.
The blossoms were red and full, blooming beautifully.
Roses, he thought faintly as he reached forward to stroke one of the enticing blooms. As he gazed upon them, he could feel his heart pounding and his throat beginning to tighten. Something was stirring inside of him.
He remembered…lovely grey eyes and golden hair…a small body next to his own…hardly more than children.
He remembered hands holding his…warm and loving…and lips…lips pressing furtive kisses to his brow, cheeks, nose, and hands…but never his own lips. A forbidden desire…a secret so dark and so monstrous…but also the honey sweetness of a love so pure…
Gasping at the strength of the memories, Kili looked down at the fragile blossom in his hands to find it shining with tiny drops of water…only there was no rain. Tears?
Am I…the one…crying?
There was pain in his heart…pain so deep he could hardly breathe.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed, though he had no idea whom he was apologizing to. "I'm so sorry."
Leaning closer to the rosebush, Kili inhaled the scent of the blossom…and suddenly everything came rushing back.
His home…Mother and Uncle…all of their friends…his brother.
Fili…oh, Fili!
He remembered his forbidden passion…his sinful wish to be with his own brother…and he remembered a night in a cave…buried under ice and snow…hidden from the unforgiving judgment of the world. He remembered Fili's tender embrace…the sweet hell of his kiss…and the feel of their bodies…closer than breathing. Even through all the guilt, he could still feel his brother's love.
"I love you."
Last of all, he remembered the pain…the villain who had stolen his brother…taken that love away from him.
"Oh, Fili! Fili!" he cried out as he fell to his knees. "Can you ever forgive me? How could I have forgotten?!"
There was no time for pleas and pity now, though. Once Kili had managed to haul himself back to his feet, he rushed back into Radagast's cottage to retrieve his bow and arrows. Radagast knew what had changed the moment he caught Kili's eyes.
"So…it's time, is it," the old wizard said, offering his young charge a relieved, but somewhat sad smile.
"I have to go, Radagast. My brother needs me. I…I really do hate to leave. You've been very kind to me…and I would have died without your help."
Radagast raised a hand and shook his head. "Think nothing of it, Kili. There's someone who needs you; so go to him."
Nodding, Kili briefly embraced the old wizard before turning and heading out of the cottage, fairly flying through the clearing and out into the world beyond.
The young dwarf was stunned to find that he'd emerged into a world in full tilt of summer. It had been winter when he'd entered Radagast's sanctuary. He had no way of knowing how much time had passed. How long had Fili been in the clutches of the Snow Queen?
Well, the only way to find out was to reach civilization again, so Kili started off. He trekked through the forest for about half a day before finally reaching the outskirts of the town he'd previously been searching for. As he approached through the open fields, he came across another dwarf gathering berries in a thicket of berry brambles.
"Ho, there!" Kili called out to him. The dwarf looked up, nearly dropping his basket in a fright. Then he chuckled, taking several deep breaths as Kili approached him.
"Ho, yourself. You just come right up out of nowhere, don't ye, lad. Scared me half to death, ye did."
"Forgive me if I sound ignorant…but could you tell me what year it is?"
The older dwarf stared at him oddly for a few moments before answering and when Kili heard the year and month, he blanched to the roots of his hair.
Eight months. He had been trapped in the forest for eight months.
"Lost track of your nap, did ye, lad?" the older dwarf asked, giving him an odd smile. Kili shuddered. It was a little too close to the truth.
"I've been…lost…for quite some time," the young dwarf said slowly.
"Not lost no more, I hope."
"I'm not sure."
"Well…where is it you're headin'?"
"The Farthest North," Kili answered, his gaze hardening. Unless his new acquaintance had lived his life under a rock, he would know what that meant…and indeed, a look of uneasiness came over his face at Kili's words.
"What business might ye have with the Winter Elf? What's so important it can't be got somewhere else?"
"The elf witch has stolen my love from me…and I mean to rescue him," Kili said, his tone turning somewhat vicious. The older dwarf looked him up and down yet another moment before continuing.
"I can see by your face it's no good tellin' ye to stay away. You're not the quittin' type…but those touched by the Snow Queen, they say…can never really come back. Whatever reason she took your love, lad…he's no better than a statue of ice now. Ye aren't the same anymore. Your warmth would hurt him."
"I know that," Kili said, a trace of sadness in his voice as he remembered how it had pained Fili to touch him, not because he'd thought him disgusting, as he'd believed, but because it had been physically painful for his frost-kissed skin to come into contact with Kili's warm body.
"It'd be best to remember him as he was…and live out your life in peace. That'd be what somebody who loves ye would want for ye."
"I know. Believe me, I know. I know all the stories…but what happened to him was my fault. I didn't fight for him when I should have. It would be death to me…to not at least try to save him."
The other dwarf sighed sadly, looping his free arm around Kili's shoulders. "I feared as much. Well…come to the town and at least get a decent night's rest before you go traipsin' off into the unknown. My master just might be able to help you plot a course."
"Your master?"
"Oh, yes. Prince Bilbo, the king's youngest son, is my lord. He and his retinue have been summering in this town. He's got quite a collection of maps. I should think he'd be able to help ye figure out a route to follow. My name's Bofur, by the way," he added as he led the way into the town, almost as an afterthought.
"I'm Kili," the young dwarf responded, still a little wary, but beginning to smile despite himself.
"Good to know ye, Kili."
XxX
It was said that the youngest son of the king was not a fully blooded dwarf at all, and Kili found this to be true upon meeting him. He was part halfling, much shorter than any dwarf Kili had ever known. He made no comment on it, though. If the prince could help him find his way, he would be most grateful.
When Bofur brought him before Bilbo, the prince was in his library pouring through two books, apparently trying to correct the discrepancies of one of the maps. Two other dwarves sat a little to the side of the table where their prince was working: Bofur's brothers, Bifur and Bombur.
"Oh, this is absolutely dreadful," the prince muttered as he worked. "The Rhun Lakes aren't even noted. I shall have to go through the entire collection."
"And won't that make you the happiest little princeling in all the world," Bofur interrupted with a chuckle. Bilbo looked up, grinning at his friend, but his expression shifted to something curious when he noticed Kili.
"Who is this?"
"A subject I met out in the fields. He wishes to ask a favor of your highness."
"And what would that be?"
Dropping to one knee before the prince, Kili lowered his head. "Your Majesty…I would beg you for a route to the Farthest North."
Bilbo's eyebrows rose in interest. "The domain of the Snow Queen?"
"Yes."
"I would advise against such a route. Few have ever returned from the Farthest North. What do you seek there?"
"I seek the love of my life. The Snow Queen's taken him from me."
The prince's look changed from one of interest to something of pity at this. "Then I suppose there's little sense in trying to talk you down from a quest so great as that. Where do you hail from?"
"My name is Kili. I come from the village of Erebor, many miles west of here."
"And how long has your love been gone?"
"Fili was taken eight months ago…but he has been in her power for nearly two years."
"It will not be easy, then. I hope you are certain of your love, as this is easily something you could die for."
"Fili is my life," he said, meeting the prince's gaze with total conviction. "I have nothing else."
Bilbo nodded once before going to fetch another book from the shelves, beckoning Kili to the table as he spread the large tome over the wooden surface.
"The safest route would be to go around the Misty Mountains, but that could take you many months more. The quickest route to the Farthest North is straight up through the mountain passes, but the way is treacherous. It is plagued with fell beasts and bandits."
Kili nodded. "That is my road, then." The quicker, the better.
"The few who have made it through the Misty Mountains say there is an old wizard who dwells in the last valley before the Northern Ice Fields. If you can find him, he may be able to help you face the Winter Elf."
"Thank you," Kili said, still staring down at the maps, memorizing each route. The way was clear up through the Misty Mountains, but the Northern Ice Fields were only vaguely charted. The upper most end of the map was ominously marked as 'The Farthest North.'
"It would perhaps do better for me to send out a few guards to accompany you," the prince mused. "Maybe some form of transport."
"Again, thank you, Highness, but I couldn't possibly. It will go faster with just me…and no transport will do me any good once I reach the high country. I will go alone and on foot."
"As you wish, but at least allow us to set you up with a few essential provisions, and do let us provide you with food and a bed for the night. Who knows when you're likely to see either again," Bilbo said, sounding almost as if he lamented the idea.
"I would gladly accept that favor. You've been most generous and very helpful. I dare not ask anymore, only…"
"What is it?"
"My mother…and my uncle…the people in my family. They must certainly be mourning my death. Could you send my family word I'm alive? They would be most grateful."
"If you'll let me do nothing else, it's the least I can do."
"You've done enough, Highness. The rest I must do on my own."
XxX
The young dwarf struck out for the Misty Mountains the next morning with nothing more than his bow and arrows and a pack on his back.
He made good time at first, moving easily through the lower passes, but then he entered the higher country and the weather began to worsen, raining and sleeting by turns. Hunting became difficult and the young dwarf was forced to subsist on what little he could gather. It didn't seem like the situation could be more grim, but one must never underestimate a nasty situation. Bad can always become worse.
XxX
Kili was aware of it the moment he was being pursued. There was nowhere to hide and the way was too treacherous for a quick escape. So he came to a stop and fitted an arrow to his bow, keeping his back to a nearby tree.
Within moments, he was surrounded by a gang of bandits, each with a weapon more grisly-looking than the last. The gang seemed to be made up of dwarves and men, maybe even a few goblins, if his eyes were not deceived.
"Go ahead and try it, boy," one of the dwarves challenged. "You may get one or two of us before we get you, but we'll have you in the end. Lay down your arms."
Shaking his head, Kili laughed bitterly as he laid down his bow. "Well, go ahead. Strip me to the bones. You'll not find much worth having."
"We'll see," the dwarf said, giving the signal to pounce. They wrestled Kili to the ground, stripping him of his quiver and pack. As Kili had said, they found only some spare arrowheads, flint and tinder, a waterskin, his bedroll, a fur blanket, and a few scraps of dried bear meat, which were quickly consumed.
"He's useless," the bandits began to grumble. "Let's slit his throat."
"Wait!" the first dwarf protested. "The fur. Look!"
The man who held the fur blanket held it up, revealing a design of two war hammers crossed over a fire and anvil monogrammed onto it: the royal crest.
"This little rabbit's worth more than he's letting on. He's got ties to the royal family."
"No. You're not-" Kili tried to argue…but was quickly silenced when the dwarf delivered a hard kick to his gut, leaving him curled into a ball on the ground.
"What are you? A prince in hiding…or perhaps a traitor? What do you suppose the king would pay to get you back? A ransom for a beloved relative…or a reward for the capture of a criminal? Bind his hands," the dwarf ordered one of the others. Kili struggled briefly, but one of the men delivered a harsh blow to his head, leaving his world black.
XxX
When Kili came to, it was to a dim, dank cave. His wrists and ankles were bound tightly with rope and he had been stripped of everything but his shirt and trousers. His boots and winter clothing had been taken along with his scant provisions.
A second look around the room revealed several animals in the cave with him: several doves, a young badger, and last of all, a pure white reindeer who stared at him through large eyes…almost as if he knew something Kili didn't.
"How are you feeling?" a new voice asked. Kili looked to the tunnel that led out of the cave to see a young dwarf heading in, perhaps even younger than himself.
"Sore," he answered wryly, shifting rather fruitlessly in his bonds, "and rather like my head was run over by a carriage."
"That was Boromir. They did have to knock you out to bring you down here," the younger dwarf said as he sat down beside him, his voice apologetic.
"Where am I?"
"Deep inside the mountain. This is where we live…so nobody bothers us."
Kili chuckled bitterly at this. "Who would bother a gang of thieves?"
The other dwarf looked saddened by this. "I really must apologize for them. They're not bad…not really; it's just…times are hard. You do what you must…even band together with goblins," he said with a shudder. "By the way, my name's Ori."
"Kili."
"Is it true what they say? That you're a noble?"
Again, Kili chuckled. "No. I'm just an ordinary dwarf, like the rest of you. A prince was kind to me once. That's all."
Ori's eyes widened at this. "Then you mustn't let them find out the truth. They'll be very angry. I don't want to think about what they might do to you."
"Whatever it is, it would be little more than I deserve," Kili said, slumping against the cave wall.
"Who are you?" Ori asked him, his curiosity sparked. "What are you doing out here if you aren't…in hiding or on the run?"
"I am here…because I seek for the Farthest North."
Ori gasped aloud, his eyes going even wider. "Why would you seek for that awful place?"
"The Winter Elf has stolen the one I love from me. I didn't…protect him when I should have; so I'm going to save him…even if it costs me my life."
"Mahal above, how perfectly awful," Ori lamented. "To have your love taken from you so cruelly. But…to make this journey…you must be very brave."
"Not really. I'm just…trying to fix what I did. If I'd realized sooner…maybe I could have done something?" Kili pondered, feeling the tears he'd held back for so long beginning to prick at his eyes again. "I'm not brave. I'm a coward. I'm…terrified…of living without him."
"But how will you find your way?" Ori asked, completely caught up in the story now. "So few have ever returned alive from that place."
"They say there is a wizard who lives on the borders of the Northern Ice Fields. If I can find him, I may have a chance. But how to get out of here…I have no idea."
All of the animals in the cave suddenly got excited at the mention of the wizard. The doves began to flap their wings and the badger started to roll around on the floor. The reindeer tossed his head back and forth several times.
"Why are…all these animals here?" Kili asked.
"Well…the doves and the badger are sort of…mine, but I found the reindeer in a pass a few weeks ago with an injured leg. The others were serious about eating him at first, but I guess they just got scared. After all, there's never been a white reindeer seen by mortal eyes in all the world. I think he'll be well enough to leave in a few days, though," Ori said, reaching over to stroke the reindeer's neck…but froze mid stroke when both he and Kili heard a voice in their heads.
You're right about that, Ori. In fact, I'd say I'm ready to go now.
"Why didn't…you tell me you could speak?" Ori asked, still floored.
"Well…technically, he's not speaking," Kili pointed out as he looked at the reindeer. "He's communicating with our spirits." After some of the things he'd seen, this was hardly shocking.
You are wise in the ways of the world, young Kili. You may not think it of yourself, but you have seen much…learned…lost much, the reindeer said, its watery gaze fixed on Kili.
"Who are you?" Kili asked him.
I am a faerie animal…a spirit of the ancient world. There are few of us remaining, and fewer still in the world who would not fear my presence. You have been very kind to me, Ori, and you will know good fortune for it.
"I…thank you," the younger dwarf stammered. "What is…your name? Do you have one?"
The reindeer seemed to laugh at this. I do. Shadowfax is my name, and the wizard you seek is a friend of mine. If you wish it, Kili, I can guide you to him.
For a moment, Kili was dumbstruck. After all this time, all these miles, had he really found his way at last? Had he really found help? Kili woke from his trance to find Ori smiling at him.
"It's your chance, Kili. You can rescue your lover. I'll show you the way out of here myself."
"Won't the others be angry with you…if you help me escape?"
"Not if they don't find out," Ori said as he untied Kili's bonds. "Wait here. I'll be right back."
Kili spent the time Ori was gone rubbing the feeling back into his wrists and ankles. When the younger dwarf returned, he was carrying a coat and boots.
"I couldn't find what they did with your clothes and bow, but these should fit you. You'll need them. The heavy snowfalls have started."
Kili nodded his understanding as he dressed himself. Then, pulling the hood of the coat up to conceal his features, he followed Ori and Shadowfax up out of the chamber.
They only passed a few other bandits moving through the labyrinthine passages of the mountain hideaway, and all were only too glad to steer clear when they saw Ori was leading the white reindeer. They were quite happy to see the strange beast leaving. When they finally reached the outside, Kili was almost surprised they hadn't had more trouble. Ori smiled apologetically as he helped Kili up onto Shadowfax's back.
"They all like to think they're some ruthless gang of thugs, but they aren't very good at it. We're all really just a band of drifters, but…well…we're family, I suppose," he said, his smile shifting to something sad.
"And sometimes…family is all you have," Kili said, his own expression growing wistful. "Thank you for helping me. I'll never forget it."
Ori shook his head, his smile brightening once again. "Go. Go save your love. They'll notice you're gone soon."
"Be safe," Kili said before he and Shadowfax rode off into the snowy night.
XxX
The rest of the journey through the mountains took another week. The reindeer didn't need much rest or sustenance, so they didn't stop often. The spirit animal forged ahead through the thickening snow and the treacherous passes.
As they drew closer to the last valley, the young dwarf was nearly gone with exhaustion and the reindeer encouraged him to rest, as he would need all of his strength for the days ahead. The young dwarf fought it at first, but ultimately couldn't overcome his exhaustion. He was fast asleep when they arrived at the wizard's home.
XxX
Shadowfax wasn't all that surprised to see Gandalf waiting outside his small home when he approached, even though the snow was nearly blinding. The old reindeer felt almost certain he must know of the young dwarf and his quest.
"A little later than I'd anticipated," he called to Shadowfax as he herded him through the front door. "Still you're both in one piece."
Shadowfax shook the snow from his body while Gandalf helped him slide the sleeping dwarf from his back and onto a bed. Kili was so drained he slept through all of it.
"Poor child," Gandalf said softly as he surveyed the young dwarf. "He's been through so much."
Is there anything you can do for him? Shadowfax asked. Any sort of magic you might work. There must be something we can do to help him face her. Galadriel won't give up what she holds so easily.
Gandalf shook his head. "My dear fellow, I can do nothing more for him than Kili can already do himself. It is not greater magic or strength of arms that will save them from her power. It is the purity of their love for one another. Nothing is stronger than that. Despite what others think of them, they love truly. They would each see the other happy…even if they themselves become unhappy. Galadriel believes she has twisted their love, but I believe they will prove stronger in the end. If Kili and Fili cannot defeat her themselves, there is nothing we can do for them. All I can do for the boy now is see that he has some rest and gets some proper hot food in him before he sets forth on the final stretch of his journey."
XxX
The Snow Queen had ceased to keep an eye on Kili after he'd become entangled in Radagast's spell. It seemed to her that the little dwarf was out of the way for good and she would never have to trouble herself with him again. She would have her little toy until he wore out or she grew tired of him.
The blond dwarf was very much like her after being at her side for a year…only he seemed to lack the bitterness she had, which the queen found she enjoyed somewhat. He was perfect…cold and heartless and perfect…like a little soldier made of ice. That's what he was to her, her little knight, as she had quite forgotten his name by then.
Best of all, she was the center of her little pet dwarf's world. He spent most of his days at her feet…and in her bed, if she felt the need, though she could never kiss him. She knew this had been won with magic, of course, but she still allowed herself to feel a small amount of triumph over the mousy little brown-haired dwarf whenever her pet entered her, cold moving between their frozen forms instead of heat. The dwarf took no joy of this, she knew, for she had taken joy and all other feeling from his heart when she'd taken his memories. He could feel nothing…care for nothing. He was simply devoted…because he had nothing else.
The queen became aware of Kili's presence again when he'd made it to Gandalf's home, half frozen. Rage began to burn in her frozen heart when her own little dwarf approached her mirror and laid a hand on the image of the dwarf he no longer knew.
"Who is he, Mistress? Why does he anger you so?"
Shrieking in rage, the queen seized the young dwarf and pushed him against the mirror, taking him right there…as if the little brother could somehow see what was happening.
As with everything else, her little toy put up no resistance. He just let her take what she wanted, offering up the occasional sound of pleasure because he knew she enjoyed it. As always, though, his eyes were empty, black as a starless night.
Do you see it, you pathetic little dwarfling? I am everything to him. He doesn't want you. He doesn't love you. Your love is broken. Your quest has been in vain. Your brother is mine…now and forever.
"He will not take you from me," the ancient faerie hissed in the young dwarf's ear. "I have won you. You belong to me. No one else will have you."
The frozen dwarf had nothing to say to this. He simply stared at the queen with nothing in his eyes. No love, no joy, no hatred, no pain, just…
…nothing.
XxX
It isn't fear he knows as Fili takes him. He fears no physical pain. It is only anguish…pain in his heart…that he has brought his brother to this.
I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from this. This is my fault.
Then the physical pain begins…only Fili doesn't take him from behind this time. He's splayed with his back against the wall, facing his brother as he pounds into him. He's helpless to do anything…unable to save Fili or himself. All he can do is feel the pain as he gazes into his brother's black, soulless eyes.
Kili awoke from the nightmare with a scream, bolting up from the bed he lay on. As his eyes darted fearfully around the unfamiliar hovel, an old man was suddenly at his side, pressing a hand to his forehead.
"Calm yourself, young Kili. You are safe. It was only a nightmare."
"No," Kili panted, struggling for calm as he grabbed the old man's wrist. "That…that wasn't just a bad dream. I…I'm not…it wasn't-"
"The Snow Queen is aware of your presence, then. She is attempting to breach your mind…to get to you through your own feelings of guilt and fear."
Kili nearly laughed at this, finally releasing the old man. "Mahal knows there's plenty and enough of that."
"You mustn't let her shake your faith now, Kili. You've come much too far for that," he said, bringing the young dwarf a mug of hot tea. "And perhaps, if you can succeed where others have failed, you may be able to save more than one life."
Kili had no idea what he meant, and he didn't really care. All he cared about now was Fili. After a few moments of breathing in the soothing steam from the tea, he asked, "Where am I?"
"The last home before the Northern Ice Fields. My home. I am Gandalf, Gandalf the wizard, and I believe you've been searching for me."
"Y-yes!" Kili started, nearly dropping the mug. "Gandalf, I need your help. I need your help to rescue my love from the Snow Queen."
"Kili…there is no help you need I can give you. What you need, you have already."
"What…what are you talking about?"
"Think, boy. What has carried you this far but your love for your brother?"
"But…love didn't save him before. Why should my feelings make any difference now?" Kili argued. "My feelings…are poison."
"One piece of advice I can give you is that you need to stop thinking like that. What is in your heart is not poisonous. The love you bear for Fili is the purest kind of love. Others have made what you feel poisonous, and they do not matter. You will know the truth when the time comes."
"But…how will I find him? I do not know the way."
"That is easy enough. From this spot, you have but to walk straight North. You must be wary, though. She knows you are coming and she fears your power. She will attempt to turn you aside. She will give you doubt and despair, but you must not falter; you must not give in. No matter how hard it gets, you must keep going. No weapon or power will see you through to the end of this. Only you yourself can do that."
"And how will I save him? How do I free him from her spell?"
"As I said, you will know when the time comes. That power is within you, not in anything I can give you."
Kili wanted to ask more, to try and understand what the wizard meant, but before he could speak, the door blew open, admitting Shadowfax from a sea of white. The spirit animal quickly shook the snow from his fur.
This blizzard isn't going to let up. It's only getting worse. It's her work. You will just have to brave it, Kili.
Kili looked uncertain for a moment, but finally nodded his head. Gandalf smiled wearily at him.
"As I thought. Come, Kili. We had best get something hot in your belly before we let you go out into her storm."
XxX
Kili was certain his host made a very delicious fish stew, but he hardly tasted it as he shoveled down the offering. The next few moments before he stepped back out into the snow were something of a blur. All he was really aware of as he stepped into the white once more was the feeling of a full belly and being wrapped in a new coat.
The young dwarf soon gave up on any method of keeping track of time. He simply continued to move forward, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other…and as the time wore on, his feet began to feel so heavy and his footsteps gradually began to falter. He was dragging himself forward at an inch an hour. The air had become so cold he could hardly feel his body, even with the layers of warm clothing. He was little more than a spirit wandering lost through the blinding white.
You will never reach him. You will wander forever in this endless ice…a fate you well deserve. He doesn't care for you anymore. You were selfish and heartless that night. You cared only for what you wanted and you broke his heart. You destroyed your love. Now you will suffer for it.
Kili tried to keep going, but he could feel his heart breaking as the words assaulted his mind. He couldn't escape the truth of them. Unable to force himself even another step forward under the weight of guilt and sorrow that crushed his spirit, Kili finally collapsed. Tears streamed down his face, freezing before they could fall to the icy ground.
Kili lay facedown in the snow, barely breathing as the flakes began to cover his body.
He could hear them now…the voices of the villagers, the friends and family he'd grown up with…all telling him how disgusting he was, how he deserved to die…how Fili would be better off without him. Maybe…if he died…the Snow Queen would let Fili go?
You'll never succeed. You may as well die here.
Just as Kili was succumbing to that final darkness, though, a light seemed to flicker on in his heart…a memory so distant, it was almost gone.
Fili gazing out the window as if in a trance…the feel of his cold hands in his…
"Your hands are like ice. Come sit by me again. Warm up."
The two of them cuddling together…holding each other…the light in his brother's eyes…his smile…his warmth…
Fili.
My brother…my love…my brother!
Feeling his strength renewed, Kili forced himself up on his feet, up through the layers of snow that had so nearly become his tomb.
"If you will not…give him back to me…at least allow me to bargain for him."
What would you give in return for him?
"I would give my heart…my freedom…my life…anything you ask," he said…and the strange voice seemed to hear his whisper even through the howl of the storm, for an icy gate suddenly appeared before him, opening at his touch.
Then come make your bargain, little child. We will see if I am in a giving mood.
Kili entered the Snow Queen's palace with no small amount of trepidation. After all, he had seen what her power had done to Fili on a whim. What might that same power do to him, who deliberately stood against her?
It seemed to Kili that he wandered through the ice-carved hallways for hours, expecting danger around every turn, before he finally stumbled into a large chamber with high vaulted ceilings. Nearly an entire wall of the chamber was taken up by a large mirror, and a throne was seated not far from the mirror…and at the foot of that throne sat…
"Fili!" Kili cried out, immediately running toward his brother. The older dwarf gazed vaguely in his direction, but made no reaction as Kili threw his arms around him. "I searched for you. I've traveled the world. I've searched everywhere for you!" he cried out, hugging his love as tightly as he could.
"You," his brother said as he drew back from him to have a look at him. His voice was harsh like a jagged icicle. "Who are you?"
Even though Kili had half-expected this, he could still feel something inside of him begin to break at this. His brother's eyes were as black and empty as the day he'd last seen him.
"What are you talking about? It's me. Kili! Don't you recognize me?"
Fili shook his head, just staring at him all the while. "I don't know who you are."
"Well…m-maybe I can help you. Please…let's just go. Let's get away from this awful place," Kili said, taking Fili by the hand, but the other dwarf resisted being pulled to his feet.
"Why would I go with you? I belong to my lady Queen."
Once again, Kili moved to his knees before his brother, feeling tears begin to fall in earnest as he reached forward to cup his face in both hands.
"I'm so sorry," Kili cried, stroking Fili's white cheeks with both thumbs. It burned both of them to touch, but neither cared. "This is all my fault. Can't…you hear me?" he pleaded, pressing his lips to his brother's. Still the empty shell that had been Fili remained frozen and unmoved…but a sort of curiosity sparked in his black eyes as he reached forward to touch the tears on Kili's face, burning his icy fingers on their warmth.
"Why are…you crying?"
"Because I hurt you. I let this happen to you. It should be me," he sobbed, enveloping his brother in an embrace once more, burying his face in his chest. "Please…I would give my life…if you could just…be yourself again. Come back. I love you."
Kili didn't realize it, but his tears were soaking through to Fili's chest. The warmth of them…the well of emotion they sprang from…was beginning to pierce through to his heart, melting the frozen shard that was poisoning him. Kili couldn't see it, but Fili was beginning to thaw.
"It's no use. You can't wake him," an imperious voice suddenly sounded in the chamber. Kili whipped around to behold the Snow Queen as she entered her throne room.
"It's you."
"Your voice can no longer reach your brother where he is. Did you know he came to me willingly?"
"I…I don't believe you," Kili said uncertainly, standing between Fili and the Snow Queen.
"No? He did it to escape the pain. You see, little one, about two years ago, my lovely mirror caught sight of you and your brother. This mirror can twist what it sees, turning warmth into cold, beauty into ugliness, and love into hatred. But my mirror could not twist the love you had for each other. I wanted to know why, so I sent two shards of the mirror out into the world to seek you…one for your brother and one for you, to pierce your hearts and freeze your love."
"One…for me?" Kili whispered, laying a hand over his heart as a chill stole across it. "What…what happened?"
"Your brother took the shard meant for him…but he also took the one meant for you. He wouldn't let it touch you. He took it into his eye, and ever after, his vision and his heart grew twisted."
"That was…the night we lay together…wasn't it."
"Just so. Even that failed to truly twist his love for you, though. As the rest of the world grew darker and uglier, you became that much more beautiful by comparison. He was incapable of seeing you as anything but beautiful, and your beauty made him see his own ugliness. So the power of the mirror manifested as anger and hatred toward himself and violence against you…in a failed attempt to drive you away from him."
"It…really is my fault, then. He did it to save me," Kili said slowly, not daring to look back at his brother.
"Yes."
"What can I do…to turn back the clock? What can I do to take his pain onto myself? There must be a way."
"You say you would…take his place?"
"I would give the breath in my body to take this away from him. Can you undo this spell or not?"
"Yes," she lied. "It's really quite simple. I'll show you," she said, drawing him into her arms, as she'd done with his brother.
While this had been happening, Fili had been struggling to break free of the shield of ice that encased his soul. It was melting, but not fast enough. That dwarf, with dark hair and the lovely dark eyes…he was important…so important. He just couldn't remember why. Fighting against the enchantment, he reached a hand toward the familiar stranger, stretching across the space between them. A name came to him from a place so deep inside it had nearly been gone.
"Kili?"
Hearing his name, the younger dwarf turned, his face painted with joyous shock when he saw Fili looking at him…really looking at him. The tiny moment of perfect joy was almost instantly shattered, though.
The Snow Queen turned Kili in her arms and pressed her lips to his. Kili struggled briefly, but it didn't take long for his skin to go white and icy, just as Fili's had. Then she kissed him again and his eyes went black, the memory bleeding out of them.
"NOO!" Fili screamed, the spell on him shattering as his memory returned. As the queen bent to kiss Kili one last time, he bolted forward. All it would take was one final brush of the lips…
Fili tore his brother away from his former mistress. He hadn't seen if she'd actually kissed him. He just held Kili's unmoving body close to his as he glowered at the Snow Queen.
"You promised me the pain would stop! You promised! Look at him! He's been suffering…all this time…because of me!" he shouted, fearing to look down…to check and see if Kili still drew breath.
"I've kept my promise. I assure you…he feels no pain anymore…and he never will again."
"No," Fili whispered, finally looking down at his brother. His chest was still and no breath rose from his lips. "No…Kili…my baby brother…my Kili…no. Please don't be dead. Please…please…no…"
As the tears poured down his face, the warmth of their sorrow and love melted the shard in Fili's eye, finally freeing him from the queen's influence.
"Well, I suppose he did get his wish, after all…to be able to die for you."
Fili had nothing to say to this. All he could manage to do was clutch Kili to his chest, weeping openly.
"What have I done to you?" he cried. "Why…why for me? I'm supposed to protect you."
"You may still be able to," a new voice said. Fili looked up to see an old man entering the chamber. The queen glared at him.
"What do you mean?" Fili asked.
"What are you doing here?" the queen demanded.
"You power is waning, Galadriel, even now. You have not conquered their love. There is no way you can defeat it. Kili's love for his brother broke your spell, and because you are weakening, I have little doubt Fili could still save him…that the strength of his love could still call Kili back. Why are you still fighting it? Don't you think it's time? Don't you think it's time we went home?"
Slowly, the Snow Queen, Galadriel, former queen of the faeries, turned away from the old wizard, an actual grain of sadness showing in her eyes.
"Nothing else lasts. Why should this one tiny, weak thing survive…when nothing else does?"
"It isn't weak. It's the strongest force imaginable. You knew that once. If you would only allow yourself to remember it, you would be free."
"Gandalf," she said softly, eyes bright with unshed tears. "I…I miss them."
"Then go to them, dear Lady," he returned as he moved toward her. When she allowed him near, he rested a hand on her cheek. Then she smiled faintly, a true smile, before vanishing into thin air.
"Be at peace…White Lady of the Farthest North," the old wizard said as a single snowflake landed on his cheek.
"What…just happened?" Fili asked, not quite comprehending what he'd seen.
"A tormented soul is finally free. She will never darken your eyes again. And now…I suppose it's time for me to be going, as well."
"Wait!" Fili called out to him as the wizard moved away. "You said…I could still save him…but I don't know how. He won't wake. How can I bring him back?"
For a moment, Gandalf just smiled at the blond dwarf. "How do you think? What other way would you hearken your love to your touch?" he said before he, too, disappeared.
Unable to protest, Fili looked to his little brother once more…still and cold as death.
"Kili…" he started hesitantly, "I think I know what he means…but I can't help but remember what happened the last time I allowed myself to kiss you. We were happy for a moment…and then there was only pain. What would I wake you up to? A world of hatred and pain? After all, they…they will never accept us."
It was the easy thing to do…to end their suffering now…only he found he could not live without his brother, and lying down here with him to die would be a poor way to repay Kili's devotion, courage, and sacrifice. So Fili leaned down and pressed his lips to Kili's…a kiss of life to counteract the Snow Queen's kiss of death.
Almost immediately, Fili felt Kili's skin begin to warm, and as he watched, the color returned to his face. The younger dwarf drew in a sharp breath as his eyes fluttered open. For a single harrowing moment, they shone black, but then they shifted back to their warm chocolate brown color. Breathing in and out several times, Kili smiled up at him, reaching up to touch his face.
"Fili?" he whispered, as if he couldn't quite believe it.
"It's me, my love. You saved me. We're both alive."
"What…what about her?" Kili asked, trying to look around. Fili calmed him with a kiss to his brow.
"She's gone. I don't know where, but she's gone. We're free of her."
"Can…can we leave, then? I want to go where it's warm again," Kili said. The request was simple, but at once so very powerful.
Helping each other to walk, the two brothers left the Farthest North behind. The trek across the ice fields wasn't nearly as harrowing the second time around. Later on that night, they lay together in Gandalf's abandoned hovel, tangled up in each other and rediscovering heat and life that had long been dormant. Afterward, Kili lay on top of Fili while the elder held him tightly in his arms, savoring the feel of his warm skin beneath his hands.
"We can never go home again…can we," Fili said, a disquiet look coming onto his face as he looked at his brother. Kili shook his head.
"No. It would disgrace Mother and Uncle. But we still have each other. No one else has to know we were born as brothers. We can be together."
"I'd like that," Fili said, well aware his eyes were glistening as he gazed up at Kili. Kili offered him a tired smile before lowering his head to kiss him.
"You know…for the longest time…I thought I was the cause of the change in you. At first, I thought there might be something else, but…every new day, I became more and more certain it was my selfish desire that had caused your heart to go cold. I thought I-"
"It wasn't your fault," Fili quickly interrupted when he saw his brother near to breaking down. Gently, he drew his head down to rest against his chest. "What did we do? What…but love each other? That was the reason she chose us, not…what we are. We were punished for being true to each other. Let…let us not punish ourselves further. Let's just…be happy."
Kili smiled up at him as tears streamed down his face. "Yes. Yes, Fili. That's all I want."
Laughing and crying all at once, the two embraced tenderly, deliriously happy with the knowledge that this time…this time things might just work out.
XxX
It was many years after the two brothers had vanished into the night that Prince Bilbo and his entourage arrived in the village of Erebor. The prince seemed quite pleased when Thorin greeted him.
"You are, in fact, the same Thorin Oakenshield who once had two nephews?"
Thorin's expression went solemn at this. "Perhaps we had better speak in private."
The village leader led the prince and his four companions to the home he shared with his sister, and after a meal had been served, Bilbo got right down to it.
"It's been quite a few years since Bofur brought you word that your nephew, Kili, still lived."
"Have you seen either of them? Are they all right?" Dis pressed anxiously.
"I haven't seen them, no…but my new scribe has," the prince said, nodding toward the youngest member of his group.
"Ori, Sir," the young dwarf introduced himself as he pulled a leather case from his cloak.
"You've seen my nephews?"
"Yes, Sir. Actually, I was the one who drew this," he said as he drew a single sheet of paper from the case and set it on the table before the two siblings. It was a simple drawing of Fili and Kili, hands clasped together and smiling adoringly at each other, clearly having just kissed.
"And…this is…?" Thorin started to ask, though he had a feeling he knew already.
"The day they were wed," Ori said, smiling. "They wanted you to know they are alive and happy…and in case that wasn't enough proof for you, they also wanted you to have this," he continued as he pulled something more from his case and passed it to Dis.
It was a small section of a marriage braid. On the day they were wed, Fili and Kili would have taken several strands of their own hair and braided them together: a symbol of their union. The rest of the braid would be kept safe with them, but they had clearly seen fit to pass along this small token to their family, as proof of their life and their joy: brown and blond, twined together forever.
"They're together," Dis whispered, tears springing to her eyes as she ran her fingers over the small section of braid.
"Are they safe?" Thorin pressed.
"Very safe. If anyone should ever learn of their identities, it will not be through me or mine."
"Can…can we write to them?" Dis asked.
"Certainly. I should be happy to play courier to this grand little secret. They will be safe so long as they are under my protection. And of course, because you are wondering…it is my opinion these two will indeed live happily ever after."
XxX
(A/N) Well, as always, I hope you all enjoyed my little bedtime story. I've sort of got story ideas for Sleeping Beauty and East of the Sun, West of the Moon. Any other fairy tales my lovely readers would like to hear?