Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story, I just use them to play out the weird fantasies in my head. D:
A/N: This fic is preseason 1, and preinfarction - before the House series started and before House's leg problem. Way before.
The story thus far:
Wilson came to PPTH, giving House some one new to torture, but Cuddy spoiled his fun, so he slinked off to nap instead. A perfectly good alternative. ;)
Twenty minutes later, House was awakened by a highly annoying beeper that had somehow attached itself to his belt loop. He attempted to fall back asleep by throwing the blasted thing across the room and rolling over in his lounge chair, but the menacing beeper would not stop its call. House finally gave up and retrieved the source of annoyance, looking at the message screen on the beeper: Cuddy. What had he done now? He wasn't especially looking forward to finding out. He stretched and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes rather dramatically, as though he had a captive audience, then moved as slowly as he possibly could from his office on the third floor to Cuddy's office on the first floor.
When he finally made it to those ever-familiar double doors, he saw that the new resident - what was his name again? Oh yeah, Wilson - was still seated inside. 'Oh crap', thought House, 'she's going to make me spend time with this kid or apologize to him or something.' He was still going to milk this for all it was worth; he didn't care if he got himself deeper into the hole he was constantly digging, he just couldn't pass up a chance to make Cuddy miserable.
"Well, I could be doing other, more necessary things, such as that all-important REM I was performing when you made that urgent page, but please, do tell, what ever did you need me for, Dr. Cuddy?" House asked as he came bursting into the room, attempting to look as "all-important" as his REM cycle that had just been so rudely interrupted.
"You were sleeping?" asked a befuddled Cuddy, "What about your clinic hours?"
"Finished!" House boasted.
"Excuse me?"
"What? You don't think that's possible?"
I just gave you two extra clinic hours ..." Cuddy checked her watch, "thirty-four minutes ago. And I highly doubt that you have actually covered your regular hours this week, since it's only ten in the morning on a Monday. So, there is just no way you could possibly be finished already, and have the time to be sleeping."
"Oh please, I could totally be done with my hours already."
"And how is that?"
"I would tell you, but then certain nurses might get fired for performing sexual favors in the workplace."
"You're an ass, House."
Even though Cuddy told House he was an ass at least three times a week, House pretended to be shocked. "I must say, Dr. Cuddy, I know interpersonal relationships are not your strong suit ... but this? This is the last straw. That was possibly - no, probably - the most insulting thing you have ever said to me, about me, or in my presence."
"Oh. I thought I was just being frank."
"Well, on the topic of being frank, I'll let you in on a little secret. Your rack is much bigger than mine, I'll admit. But I've got to tell you, I definitely have a better ass than you." House interjected.
Wilson looked confusedly back and forth between House and Cuddy as they ranted on at each other, with Cuddy blabbering logical nonsense about how House needed better work ethics and more self control, and House throwing random remarks in about how Cuddy need to button her shirts all the way and how she needed to stop borrowing skirts from her hooker neighbor. As usual, this went on for some time.
"I'm just saying," Cuddy argued exasperatedly, "that if you just tried the tiniest bit to possibly act like a normal human being, instead of a complete ass, you wouldn't have half the problems you have now. People might actually want to be around you – might even like you."
"Now now, who needs companionship when I can have all the free self-supplied sarcasm and witty banter that I please?" House countered, "Besides, if I ever did have a friend, what would we do? Crossword puzzles and Sudoku are kind of one person games. And you know I don't play well with others."
By now, Wilson was giving up on being confused, and just decided that this was either a show for his entertainment, or just really didn't give a rat's ass anymore, because he was having a lot of trouble stifling his giggles, and he giggled like a sixth-grade girl, which was surprisingly fitting for him, or so House thought.
'If we keep this up much longer, that kid might be on the floor ...' House mused. 'I might as well just let this one go.'
"Fine." He said to Cuddy. "What's this super important project you felt you had to impose on me, then?"
Cuddy looked surprised that House had given up so suddenly, then reveled in her victory for a moment. "I need you to do me a special favor. I figured you wouldn't mind, since you seem to have become so friendly with Dr. Wilson in the short time that he's been here ..." House rolled his eyes rather obviously. "I'd like you to give him a tour of the hospital for me."
At this, House could do nothing but give the largest and most pathetic sigh that he possibly could. He considered cracking some other kind of joke at Cuddy, but then reconsidered, because she seemed to be in a really pissy mood. Maybe she was PMS-ing more than usual? In any case, House decided to take his punishment without fuss or retaliation, which actually was probably a better comeback to his boss than anything else, because it was the one thing she wasn't expecting.
"Come on kiddo, let's go." He motioned to the new Oncologist who had just barely finished successfully stifling his laughter. They left Cuddy's office and started their "tour". House just kind of walked up and down the halls with Dr. Wilson trailing behind him, looking (and sometimes gawking) at the people and places of the hospital. After a while Wilson decided to take the lead and it was House who was trailing behind. At first, House was bored by the thought of having to show this kid around, but then a rather brilliant idea struck him.
"I suppose I should give you an actual tour, huh?" House asked, realizing how he could use this to his advantage. "This is a pretty large hospital, so it might take all morning, and then if you behave I might just buy you lunch." House winked at the kid again, hoping to throw him off. Though he was still unprepared for it, it didn't seem to come at as much of a shock as it had the first time.
"Alright, that sounds good to me." Wilson replied.
And so the tour began...
House and Wilson ventured up each and every hall in the hospital, and looked into every office, patient room (occupied or otherwise), restroom, and janitorial closet that House could possibly find.
After a while, Wilson had somewhat figured out the pattern of the building. House suspected that Wilson could tell they were venturing down hallways that they'd already visited, but he didn't say anything for a while. Then after about the 5th repeated corridor, he asked "This looks familiar, have we been down this way before?"
House sighed, "Ya know ... I'm not entirely sure where we are. We should probably look for the elevator, I guess."
Wilson gave him a look that said 'How the hell could you get lost? Don't you work here?' Although all he said was, "Yeah, I think that's a good idea."
They walked around a few minutes more. House was pretending to be lost, and Wilson was actually lost, and following a House that was pretending to be lost, which is never really a good idea.
"You know what we should do?" House asked. Wilson was just about to ask what they should do when he got cut off. "We should play a game. Whoever finds the elevator first wins; loser has to buy lunch. How about it?" House looked over at this new resident and winked once again. 'Why do I keep winking at this kid?' He wondered.
Wilson, however, was not questioning the wink at all. In fact, he winked right back and replied,
"Oh, you're on."
"Oh really?" House was surprised that he had received a return wink, but he wasn't going to let this new guy know that he had thrown him off so easily. Usually when House winked at people the last thing he expected was for them to wink back at him. They might sigh or shudder in disgust, perhaps even yell or throw something at him, but definitely not wink back. What was with this guy? Was he really just as laid back as he seemed, or was he just being overly cool because he was nervous? It was still his first day, after all.
House almost felt sorry for the boy (almost). He had been working at this hospital for the last six years. Did this kid honestly think he could find the elevator first? Maybe he was just being a good sport and going along with it. Either way, House found the elevator almost immediately, after pretending to be lost for a few minutes to throw Wilson off the trail. He donned his usual uninterested nonchalance as he leaned against the wall next to the elevator door and awaited the other doctor's arrival. So now Wilson owed him lunch? This day just kept getting better ...
Sorry that the conversation between House and Cuddy was so … random. I had some trouble coming up with an original argument for them to have. I think it needs some work, so if you've got something better that I can put in there, feel free to share. That's all I could come up with.