I'm no beauty.

Right now, though, I wish I was.

THE BETROTHED

Because, you know, that would give this whole situation a whole lot more sense.

It'd explain why I'm about to be married.

It'd give a reason for why I was cursed as a child.

And above all else, it'd tell me why the hell he keeps calling me a princess.

First of all, I'm the hired help.

Second, jewels don't suit me.

Third, I've got a dick.

…Gotta love Lady Luck…

I suppose I should start from the beginning, so you lucky bastards who don't know me will understand.

Thirteen great fairies in our kingdom, but the royal family has only twelve golden dishes suitable for fairy-use. So they don't invite the thirteenth, who is also the least likely to forgive them for it. Idiots, the king and queen. The occasion is their daughter's first birthday.

They named the girl after tradition—they were supposed to go with "Briar Rose", but settled instead for "Hinata"—sunflower—instead.

So eleven invited fairies bestow blessings on the drooling heiress, and the vindictive thirteenth comes raging in with all the finesse of an enraged bull. Mystic Ino casts a curse on the unfortunate birthday girl, saying she will die by spindle.

King Hiashi immediately bans all spindles from the kingdom, putting hundreds of spinsters out of a job (and life) and halting textile production for a full month. Finally, he allows one certain district on the outskirts of the kingdom to resume work using the spindles they have to re-purchase.

My older sister and brother are three and two years old and under the care of a relative while my father keeps his spindle and loses his wife in a black-market war. He is drafted when my sister turns eight, and he quickly rises through the ranks until he reaches the position of Lieutenant General. In a battle that could have lost the country, he takes decisive action and is awarded with control as Commander of the entire militia. My uncle becomes his second-in-command and I meet my siblings for the first time since I was born.

In those significant moments directly after my mother gives birth to me, toddling Kanky opens the door to a faceful of seething fairy.

Ino the Mystic casts a spell in the instant before she realizes I have shit-colored hair, green eyes, and live in a dinky cottage rather than a magnificent palace, and then she rushes back on her way to curse Princess Hinata.

Except her exact wording voids the second spell and strengthens the first.

Proof? My hair turns bright red precisely seven minutes and fifteen seconds after she leaves.

Continuing, the twelfth fairy—who has yet to give a blessing—wakes up from his nap at Ino's chaotic entrance and exit, and with carefully vague spellwork, he lessens the brunt of the failed curse on Princess Hinata and subsequently eases up mine.

I grow up surrounded by spindles after my father sends me away, because, after all, it would only be on my fifteenth birthday that I'd have to worry. So, I learn to spin and earn a living from it with my siblings from age six until thirteen, when Commander-Father dies and we are called to work and live in the castle as a condolence and compensation for my father's faithful service.

King and Queen miss little Hinata's fifteenth birthday because they are with her younger sister and cousin-brother, scoping out possible suitors for the benefits of political alliances.

The Princess climbs up an old tower with a spiralling staircase, and I shadow her as is my employment.

She finds a dusty room at the top with a man who charms his way into his heart immediately, using his sunny smile and devastating blue eyes. He beckons for her to try her hand at the art of spinning, and, distracted by the lustre of his golden hair, she pricks her finger, drawing blood.

I jump from the shadows, hold a blade to the stranger's neck, and ask what his business his and hwy he's trying to assassinate the princess.

Naruto, he says his name is, and he shrugs, grins, and squints at me.

Oh, so you're the one she cursed instead? he asks. I told her not to use the locating spell only with the basis of birthday, he groans.

He pushes aside the hand holding the hunting knife and grabs that wrist. At the same time, he wraps his fingers around the other one that is flying toward him with a pocket knife in his grip.

Then he swings me into the spindle and I hit my head. He whacks me up against it three more times for good measure, and I finally black out.

Next thing I know, someone is cussing Naruto out and someone is kissing me.

The kisser turns out the be a blushing Princess Hinata. Behind her are the first someone, who is Sasuke, the prince of the twelfth kingdom, and Naruto.

Before I can rip out his throat, Sasuke grabs me by the arm and tries to throw me out the window.

Naruto jumps in between and intercepts the kick I aimed toward the glass, and Sasuke falls backwards due to the force of Hinata's yank on his collar.

The pane never breaks, Sasuke's body pushes the door shut, and Naruto is acting as my seat cushion.

We recover quickly and retreat to different corners of the room.

Which brings me to the current issue.

I have to be married now, to the prince who woke me, except that a princess woke me up, I am a servant, not royalty, and I. Have. A . Dick.

Naruto, the prince of the thirteenth kingdom, is berating Sasuke for Shikamaru's decisions. If not for that fairy's genius, he argues, none of the day's events would have happened.

Sasuke sneers and criticizes Mystic Ino's actions, because if not for Shikamaru's magic, Hinata would be dead right now, and it's Naruto's responsibility to control his kingdom's fairy.

And now Naruto, the would-be-villain, is behaving the equivalent of a dog about to pee in happiness as he constantly refers to me as a princess.

Hinata is looking trapped, as she's entitled/obliged to marry me, is supposed to marry Sasuke, and is enamored with Naruto.

Sasuke, the intended Prince Charming, is scowling because he loses no matter what happens.

And I just want my damn hunting knife back so I can jump out the window and set the whole fucking castle on fire.

Then Temari and Kankurou barge in, and Temari aims for the blond, because blonds tend to be the source of many problems in her life. She connects, and Naruto lands virtually on top of me. Hinata squeaks, Sasuke grimaces, Temari scowls, Kankurou gapes, and I concentrate on getting back my knife while Naruto squirms in my lap.

Then I grab the knife, push him off me and feel a sense of satisfaction when his head makes hard contact with the floor, stand up, step on Naruto as I walk to Sasuke and kick him upside the head, and then I'm out the window searching my pockets for a match or a lighter.

Let's see how they cover up the mishap of Gaara the napping motherfucker who rendered Loud Naruto speechless, caused Hinata the Reserved to propose to Loud Naruto, and made Sasuke of Frost scream like a little girl.

Kankurou and Temari will catch up eventually.

A/N: I had too much fun with the first one, so I consulted with Quicquidlibet and she gave me random characters to fit random roles.

This is the result.

Enjoy with a grain (or the whole fucking container, if you like) of salt.