Existence, was a prison. Over the few millennia Joseph was cursed to wander the earth, that was the one reality that had never changed for him. He should've died a long time ago (he lost count from how many times he tried to drown himself, throw himself off cliffs, stab himself, starve himself - everything and anything, but nothingnothingnothing worked -), but that thought alone was nothing but a fever dream.
Besides, he was a far cry from anything human.
(nothing but a mismash of flesh, human, creature, monster he just wanted it to end he just wanted the pain to stop he needed someone, anyone to save himsavehimSAVEHIM)
To say that life is a gift, is fucking laughable. Joseph knew the truth. He was the only person alive on earth who knew the horrible, horrible truth. (and he thought he was the only one.)
That was what he assumed, until he met you.
Your curse was unique from his circumstances, to say the least. Apparently you've done the whole "trapped in existence" thing for much longer than him. Your situation is certainly more preferable. Cursed with the knowledge of past lives, and to re-live them over and over. For eternity.
(even after being alive for so so long, joseph still pondered what eternity meant. no end in sight, no salvation. eternity meant suffering, it meant existing, it meant forever - and the thought alone terrified him.)
The only solace he had in his miserable existence was coming across you and your reincarnations. Sometimes you remembered. Sometimes you didn't. One thing for certain, your presence alone reminded Joseph of the humanity he lost forever ago. And though you'll never hear him admit it, he clung onto those rare and brief encounters, like a starving man in the desert. Whenever he found you, he...he was happy, even if it were only temporary.
He wished he could say the same for you.
He stumbled across you in a bar. Maybe somewhere in London, France - the details were fuzzy. All he remembered were mellow orange lights, a strong pinewood scent, and a crackling fire. His feet took him there to find a place to rest, and brief shelter for the night. He ignored any friendly smiles or gestures that came his way, and sat in a shadowy corner, far from the warmth and light. He detachedly observed the room for potential test subjects (his heart was rotting from the inside out like a piece of dead meat, burning and choking him at the same time), and that was how he noticed you.
You were all crooked smiles and unapologetic laughter, surrounded by friends. He remembered how your eyes squinted whenever you grinned, how they shone underneath that warm and orange light. Perhaps he stared for too long, because your eyes finally met his watchful gaze from across the room - and that was when everything froze.
The moment your eyes fell on him, that smile vanished from your face. Recognition flitted in your eyes, soon followed by horror. Joseph had become numb to feeling any emotion, but he remembered that uncomfortable dull ache in his chest when he saw fear in your gaze. His appearance must have upsetted you so much, that you excused yourself from the table and disappeared out the door.
Like an aimless ghost, he followed you.
You must have known that he was going to follow you, because you were waiting for him outside, under the pale moonlight. Long gone were the crooked smiles and laughter, your expression was somber and guarded. He stood there and stared. He was unsure on whether to come closer or not. Not with that look you gave him (because you looked so scared, scared because of HIM).
Softly, he uttered your name like a prayer. He drew closer, until he stood in front of you.
You recoiled and turned away. Like a leaf, you trembled. Were you truly so afraid of him? The ache in his chest grew stronger. Hesitantly, he lifted a hand to your cheek.
"Joseph," Was all you managed to say. Unspoken love, sorrow, and grief was shared between his and your gaze. He leaned in closer. You grasped his hand tightly, but held him back.
Then, you smacked him. He staggered backwards, surprised but hardly wounded. A punch to the mouth was nothing compared to the agony he experienced on a daily basis. What hurt more was the expression on your face, full of anger and disgust.
"That," you said breathlessly. "was for killing me last time." You roughly shoved him away for good measure. "And that was for torturing and killing my friends."
Confusion turned into anger. Heat flushed at his cheeks.
"I didn't know it was you!"
You laughed, and your voice cracked from disbelief.
"You didn't know? That makes things so much better. Joseph you, you -" He flinched when your voice choked up. "You hurt people. You're hurting so many people."
His hands curled into fists. Flesh and bones threatened to rip from his skin, begging to break from their shell and lash out. No. No. He won't be a monster, not this time, not in front of you again. Joseph dug his nails into his palms until he drew blood. If it were anybody else, they would've been dead where they stood. But - but not you.
There were hardly any people in his existence that he would allow to talk to him like this, but nevertheless, your accusations scathed him.
"Do you want me to suffer, [Name]?" He snapped. "Do you know what it feels like? Being trapped in a body that cannot die, that constantly rots and falls apart at the seams, that feels every inch of pain, each waking second?"
You gaped at him.
"That doesn't give you an excuse to do what you're doing -!" You wrung your hands. "Doesn't give you an excuse to play with human lives, to make them suffer with you too! I don't care how much pain you're in, you can't drag everyone down with you! Everyone else has suffered - You're not the exception. "
"Exception? Exception?!" This time he laughed, but it came out as a hysterical half sob. "Oh, [Name], we've known each other for quite awhile, but this is the last thing I expected from you. Preaching to me, you of all people, that I'm hurting people. Don't be so hypocritical." Black ichor oozed from his eyes and mouth. Fresh scars and wounds opened up on his body. His flesh threatened to come apart at the seams, and it took every inch of willpower in him not to burst into monstrous sinew.
Horrified, you backed away, and this only fueled his rage. He seized you by the shoulders, and grabbed your jaw, forcing you to look him in the eye.
"How does it feel to be on top of that high horse? You've been reborn into a few happy lives, and suddenly you think you're better than me, more human than me?" Mockery seethed from his voice, through and through. "It's so easy for you to call me a monster, but if you were in my shoes, if you felt what I have felt these past millennia, you wouldn't pass judgment so easily."
"God, you don't get it!" You exploded, eyes bright with fury and tears. Your hands beat at his chest. "Just hear yourself! You don't want to be called a monster, but - but you're acting like one - becoming one!"
Becoming a monster? Now that - that was hilarious. Joseph's laughter became unhinged. His flesh hissed and slithered, and gave way to decay. His skin hardened with a sickening crack, and claws tore from his nails. Newfound talons dug into your shoulders, and you cried out. You struggled to pull away, but he kept you close.
"Ha, look at what you've done...made me all worked up. It hurts, it hurts." He gasped, breath ragged. "I'm already a monster, you're just too blind to see it. Do you see how much it hurts? Ah, [Name]...What am I supposed to do with you? What can I do to stop making you so revolted of me?" He muttered, and buried his face into your hair. "What can I do...to make you...understand?"
"Just come back to me." You whispered back. "You don't need to do any of this. You don't need to hurt people, we can find a way, we can make it work."
Your naïveté was short sighted, if not endearing. He shook his head, slowly.
"I have tried...everything, [Name.] That's not an overstatement. This is the only way. I can't afford to stop now. Do you know what will happen to me, if I stop? This body, this cage is unending," He caressed your face with his clawed hand, and half of it melted away into a gooey substance. A foul stench of death rose in the air. You grimaced, and he smiled sadly. "In short, I will fall apart. But even then, I won't die. I will still be awake, experiencing every second of agony...is that what you want for me?"
"Of - of course I don't."
"Then stay with me."
His monstrous hands tried to grasp at yours. Joseph brought his forehead to yours, and relished the warmth that radiated from your body. Relished how it nearly made him feel human, too.
And to his shock, you pulled him in for the kiss, despite the black blood that smeared his lips and the claws that got tangled in your hair. (in one moment, he came to realize how badly he wanted you, no no, he needed you -) You tasted of warmth, and he wanted to consume your entire being.
You pulled away with a gasp.
"No. I can't. You already know I can't." Your eyes were wet, but they were firm. "You can't destroy everything and have me, too. If you keep on continuing like this...then I won't stay. I won't have anything to do with it." You began to back further away. Magic gathered around you, which weaved and cocooned you, preparing to make you disappear.
"Goodbye, Joseph."
Every fiber in his being screamed to stop you, to make you stay, to make sure you never leave him again.
But, he let you go and he was alone again.