Disclaimer: All I own is the plot bunny.

Please note that no, Percy will NOT compare Vernon and Petunia to whales and horses… for him, even now that's an insult to whales and horses.

EDITED by Mellie Erdmann.

Chapter Two: The Vanishing Glass

Percy Jackson woke up with a splitting headache. And he was crammed into a small, dark space instead of on the bus to some museum with his sixth grade class next to Grover. It was very dark.

There was a sharp rapping at the door. "Up!"

Wincing, Percy found himself reaching for a pair of battered glasses. The voice was harping and shrill but he had never heard it before. Unfortunately it continued.

"Up! Get up! Now!" it screeched, complete with rapping hard on the door. Then there were footsteps leading away. Hurriedly, Percy dressed and put on the glasses before exiting the cupboard under the stairs. Until he knew what was going on, he would have to play along with whatever was happening.

A scrawny woman with a narrow, mean face in a prim floral dress was already heading back to the cupboard's door. Percy presumed she was the owner of the annoying voice.

"Good, you're up. Now get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."

Percy barely kept a straight face- it was the birthday of someone named Duddy. Well, this was a far more entertaining dream than usual. Pushing up the baggy sleeves of his plaid long-sleeved shirt, Percy followed the wiry woman into the kitchen which was impossibly clean. The table was groaning under the weight of the brightly wrapped presents, with a racing bike that had a neon orange bow on it next to the table.

As he took care of the bacon, Percy found himself looking at the metallic convex tea kettle. His new reflection, in addition to the glasses, had him almost as scrawny as the woman with very messy hair and bright green eyes. Worse of all, he looked about nine or ten opposed to eleven and a half.

"Comb your hair!" barked a very large man as he entered the kitchen. With an eye-roll Percy snidely 'apologized', "If I'd been given time to before having to do Duddy's bacon, I would have."

"BOY!" raged the man, his face turning purple. Percy watched with fascination; he'd never made anyone turn purple before.

"Watch the bacon!" interjected the woman to him before turning to the man. "Vernon, dear, here's your coffee and the newspaper."

So the fat man sat down, glowering at Percy even as he drank his coffee and read the news. Once the bacon was done, Percy noted the egg carton next to the stove and began cooking six eggs. As he did so, he realized another off thing about this mess. Everyone (including himself) was speaking with a British accent. Huh.

A fat, ruddy boy around ten or so made his way into the kitchen, complete with wispy blonde hair and icy blue eyes. Percy instantly thought of a pig in a wig. As he put the bacon and eggs on the four plates, Percy wondered what exactly he was to the trio. Clearly he couldn't be a close relative but he couldn't be a servant since he was expected to dine with them. An abused foster kid, maybe? As he crammed the plates before the table's occupants despite the overload of presents, the fat boy (presumably Duddy) finished counting all of them.

"Thirty-six. That's two less than last year."

Percy just put a piece of bacon in his mouth, imagining that it was the fat boy's arm instead. Then that made the bacon taste horrible, so he stopped and let it return to normal bacon.

"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mommy and Daddy."

Percy found himself wondering how someone so thin could produce someone so… large. Duddy, redder than ever, replied, "All right, thirty-seven then."

Sensing an epic temper tantrum in the coming, Percy put down his silverware and sat back. This would be interesting- would his parents be capable or even willing to stop him?

"And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?"

"That'd be thirty-nine," observed Percy absently when Duddy got stuck.

"Is Harry right?" Duddy asked leerily. Percy just started in on his egg, relieved that he at least knew what everyone would be calling him. Giving him a dark look, the woman returned her gaze onto her beloved son.

"Yes, popkin; that'd be thirty-nine."

"Oh, all right then," Duddy decided as he grabbed the nearest parcel. Chuckling the fat man stated, "Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!"

Hm, Duddy was a nickname for Dudley. Both were horrible; but then Percy was short for Perseus so he didn't have much room to point fingers at weird names.

Impressed against his will by the sheer quantity, Percy watched Dudley tear through the presents carelessly. Oddly, there weren't that many video games or technology among them. Then Percy saw the calendar in the kitchen's corner. It had April 1991 as the year. The woman was clearly far too anal for such a mistake, so that meant Percy was not only British but over a decade in the past. Bugger. While Percy was processing this, there had been a brief phone call.

"Bad news, Vernon. Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him."

Percy looked up, guessing from her bitter tone that 'him' meant himself. And Vernon? Really, what was the woman's name: Griselda, Zandramas, Belvane, Tsarmina? What would her weird name be?

"Now what?" she snapped, glaring at Percy as if it was his fault.

"We could phone Marge."

"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy," she sniffed.

Undeterred Vernon tried again: "What about what's her name, your friend- Yvonne?"

"On vacation in Majorca."

Bemused Percy finished off his bacon. Dryly he commented, "Well, you simply can't just leave me here alone."

"Of course not- we'll come back with the house in ruins," agreed the woman crossly. Percy beamed earnestly. "Exactly!"

"I suppose we could take him to the zoo… and leave him in the car…" the woman observed slowly. Percy raised his eyebrows, already trying to remember what he knew about hot wiring. Alas, Vernon broke in with, "That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone!"

While Percy internally pouted Dudley began melodramatically, externally wailing.

"Dinky Duddydums, don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" the woman exclaimed, throwing her arms around him. Percy decided then and there to do whatever he could to ruin his 'special day' because he highly doubted Harry got similar treatment as Dudley on his birthday.

"I… don't… want… him… t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between obviously fake sobs. "He always sp-spoils everything!"

Despite being now younger and scrawnier, Percy upped the ante to slugging the brat as he grinned wickedly at him while his mother cooed over him.

Then the doorbell rang, with the woman freaking out as a woman with another mean preteen with a face like a rat's entered the kitchen. Dudley, of course, stopped crying at once.

"Hello, Vernon, Petunia. Happy birthday, Dudley," the woman greeted the trio. Percy blinked. Petunia? Well, that was almost normal. It was a flowery name though.

In the end, Harry had to come along to the zoo. Before they left, Vernon pulled him aside in order to threaten him with his large ruddy face next to the patsy, wiry face of 'Harry'.

"I'm warning you, I'm warning you now, boy- any funny business, anything at all- and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."

"So… unfunny business is allowed, then?" Percy asked brightly. Vernon turned that fascinating shade of purple again- Percy found himself wishing that he could turn his stepfather's face that color.

"NO ABNORMAL BUSINESS AT ALL!" he thundered. Percy presumed this was the reason he kept complaining about motorcycles all the ride to the zoo. That, or Vernon just loved complaining. Percy just looked out at the British landscape, which was so very different from his beloved Big Apple. He wondered if Harry was now himself, on that field trip with Mr. Brunner and Mrs. Dodds to that museum. Suddenly Percy found himself missing Grover. Somehow he doubted Harry had ever any friends.

Since it was a sunny day, the zoo was crowded. This meant Percy struck a careful balance between not getting lost and not getting close to the others. At the entrance Dudley and his friend had gotten large chocolate ice creams and since the ice cream lady had asked what 'Harry' had wanted he'd gotten a cheap lemon pop.

So Percy enjoyed the treat on such a sunny day as they wandered through the zoo, staying back a little further when he noticed Dudley and his friend getting bored as a safety precaution. For lunch they had gone to the zoo restaurant. When Dudley freaked out over his dessert not having enough ice cream on top, Percy had been given it so Dudley could get a second one.

Percy had no idea what a knickerbocker glory was besides delicious and having a funny name.

After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark with dim lighting. Behind the glasses various reptiles were moving about in their environments. Dudley, being very large himself, found his reptile equivalent. It was probably over ten feet long and a bit stocky, but was also sound asleep.

His piggy nose jammed up against the glass, Dudley whined to his father, "Make it move."

So Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't react. Percy watched on with interest as Dudley got his father to do it again to no avail. Complaining about how it was boring, Dudley went on to the more active inhabitants of the exhibit.

Curiously Percy approached the giant snake, feeling an odd kinship with it. Tilting his head, he waited. The snake raised his head until they were eye-to-eye and winked at him.

Percy suddenly flashed back to some odd things happening to him at his schools- such as strangling vipers or being stalked by a man with a single eye- things that had ultimately led to him changing schools so much. His heart pounding, Percy glanced around to make sure no one was watching. Then he winked back.

The snake jerked its head at Vernon and Dudley before raising its eyes to the ceiling. Next it gave Percy a look that plainly said: "I get that all the time."

"It's so annoying," murmured Percy in agreement. The snake nodded in agreement. Percy had never talked to a snake before but he figured small talk would be a good place to start.

"So… where are you from?"

The snake jabbed its tail at the little sign next to its exhibit. After a few minutes Percy got his dyslexia under control enough to read the sign. It read: Boa Constrictor, Brazil. Below that it read: This specimen was bred in the zoo.

"I'd bet you'd like to go there, huh?" asked Percy. The snake nodded.

"DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY!" shouted Dudley's friend so loudly that both snake and Percy jumped. "COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"

Waddling forward, Dudley shoved Percy to the ground hard. "Out of the way, you."

As he hit the concrete floor, Percy heard Dudley and his friend shout and jump back. Everyone else in the reptile house had the same reaction. Pushing himself up, Percy looked around. All the glass containing the reptiles had vanished, and all the reptiles were taking advantage of this fact.

The brown and beige snake had uncoiled rapidly and slithering out onto the floor as all the people scurried to the exits.

"Brazil, here I come… thanksss, compañero," the snake hissed as he passed Percy.

"I think they speak Portuguese in Brazil," commented Percy. The snake just looked bemused as it slithered out of the reptile house, playfully nipping at the heels of Dudley and his friend as it left.

The keeper of the reptile house was in shock, repeatedly wondering where all the glass had gone. Percy was wondering the same thing.

Eventually everyone had recovered and got in the car to head home. Unfortunately Dudley's friend recovered enough to say- "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"

At least the once again purple Vernon waited until the friend and his mom left before informing Percy, "Go- cupboard- stay- no meals."

Then he promptly collapsed in a chair so that Petunia had to go get him a large brandy.

Quietly Percy remained dressed while in his cupboard. Poor Harry. Well, no matter, because Percy wasn't going to put up with this pile of dog poo. Once he was sure it was late enough he'd sneak out, pack some food in a knapsack, and leave this suburban hellhole.