"I miss you too."
Rae's fingers feel cold. The night is warm, and Finn is warm, but Rae Earl feels suddenly cold with fear.
Fear is repressive. It doesn't let you do things that you might want to do, it feeds your mind false information, makes you doubt, makes you hide. Rae Earl is no stranger to fear, and she's feeling it right now.
She presses her lips together, suddenly not quite sure what to say. Usually she's the one that's talking too much. Taking a deep breath, she studies the night sky, studies the stars and with a wave a determination turns her head to face Finn. He is watching her.
She squeezes her fingers. " I just wish we hadn't stopped being friends, Finn."
She sees his throat bob as he swallows. "Me too." His voice is just as soft as hers and Rae wonders if his heartbeat is beating just as quickly as her own.
"I wish you hadn't stopped talking to me," she breathes out, and then it all comes bubbling to the surface. All the negative feelings that she's managed to hold on to for so long, feelings that she couldn't let go of because it meant that it was over, and even after nearly three years she doesn't want to let go of the first boy to ever love her, truly love her. After so long, she still doesn't want to let go of her best friend.
"Why did you stop talking to me, Finn?" Her words come out with more force then she means, but the young man lying beside her doesn't cringe and pull away. She's like a storm, and he's always managed to weather her.
"You left and I just…dunno. I felt like you didn't need me anymore, didn't have room for me in your new life."
"Of course I had room for you! I'd always make room for you." She'd meant to tap on an insult at the end of the sentence, but she doesn't, and her words come out serious and heavy. She's implying things.
And maybe she wants to imply them.
She's not sure what Finn is thinking. She's never been sure of what Finn is thinking. And right now is no different then how it was years before, and Rae finds herself growing impatient, finds herself wishing that he'd say something, say anything.
His finger taps her hand and she sighs because she knows that he still can't find his own words. A part of her still loves him for it.
She gently untangles her fingers from his and stands up. "Lets get inside. Don't want to fall asleep and wake up on the lawn."
"I noticed that you and Finn disappeared last night for a bit." Izzy's smirks knowingly, her red hair pulled back and away from her face. She and Rae are making breakfast.
Well, Izzy is making breakfast and Rae is watching and trying not to explode.
"I've known the fucker for years and he still manages to confuse the daylights outta me," Rae says, glaring down at a plate full of toast.
"Sounds like he still makes you feel somthin', then," Izzy points out, pushing fried eggs out onto a serving platter.
Rae frowns and says nothing.
Only Izzy and Chop speak over the meal, each of them happy to carry on the conversation, with Finn and Rae interjecting every now and again.
This is fucking bullshit. Rae puts her fork down and mulls over her new thoughts and old feelings, trying not to stare at Finn over the table in the process.
After the meal they both leave, neither speaking more than two sentences to the other.
Later on Chloe calls and says they should all meet at the pub again, since Rae is leaving the next day. Rae agrees.
They sit next to each other. It's technically by accident, but even still, they gravitate toward each other. Finn watches her out of the corner of his eye and tries to quickly look away whenever she catches him.
It's like she's sixteen all over again.
And finally his finger is tracing over her knee.
O-U-T-S-I-D-E.
He announces that he's going out for a cigarette, and less than twenty seconds Rae claims that it's too stuffy in the pub, and that she wants fresh air. She can feel all of her friends' knowing gazes as she walks outside.
He's not smoking, just leaning up against the wall.
Rae crosses her arms and stands in front of him, raising an eyebrow.
Finn tucks his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for breaking up with you before you left, and I'm sorry for never calling you again after."
"You said that we were going to still be mates."
"I know. I wish I hadn't—wish I hadn't…"
And Rae patiently holds out her hand palm up. He takes it, and she thinks that he's going to write something out, but he doesn't. He takes her hand in his instead and seems to use it as encouragement.
"I wish I hand't split up with you. It was a mistake."
"I wish you hadn't either."
They walk down to the chippy and talk for another three hours, and Finn doesn't let go of her hand.
When they part at the end of the night, they part as friends.
Rae is about to leave, and Chloe, Archie and Finn have shown up to see her off. She hugs Chloe, kisses Archie on the cheek, and then she is wrapped up in Finn's arms.
The hug lingers longer then is appropriate.
When he pulls away, she presses her worn, beaten cop of The Catcher in the Rye against his chest.
He looks a little confused, so she answers his question before he can ask it.
"I know you only read bullshit music magazines and stuff, but it's my favorite." She shrugs, as if it doesn't matter much, but Finn smiles.
She waves goodbye and gets in mom's car.
She cries a little bit on her way back.
A month later and Finn and Rae have managed to talk to each other at least four times a week.
Rae is currently in the library. She's supposed to be studying; instead she's doodling in her diary, trying to get out her thoughts and heartaches.
Her copy of The Catcher in the Rye lands on the table in front of her. She jumps.
"Right. Terrible, just terrible. That Holden lad is a whiny little fuck. Couldn't get through the first ten pages."
She stares up at Finn, open mouthed, before finding her tongue. "What the fuck are you doin' here?"
He shrugs. "London is nice. Thought I'd come for a visit."
"Liar."
He simply shrugs, says nothing. But he's clearly holding back a grin.
She spends the next hour looking for a book he might like and not so subtly hinting at available flats that are open for rent.
Then she pauses, looking back at him. "You actually read it, didn't you? Read the whole thing?"
He smirks a little bit, and she answers him by kissing him.
There's no eye in the sky
Just our love
No unobstructed view
No perfect truths
Just our love
—"Unobstructed Views" by Death Cab For Cutie