Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey
As you know, I do not own the title characters. In this one, Naruto and Sasuke find out that their parents are actually still alive and just left the village (I'll explain all of that later). So they go through time to attend two family reunions. And why is Sasuke still on the show, you ask? He's making a special appearance. Read it.
Chapter 2: The Past
In which Naruto and Sasuke change the Shikamaru they know, cause Charles Tolle much misery, and start the American Revolutionary War
"Oh, man!" Naruto laughed. He and Sasuke were traveling through the time warp to the years of their childhood. "That was awesome!"
"I know!" Sasuke said. "It was so funny when you took that turtle and said, 'Leo, this turtle will one day be your son named after you.' But I don't think he spoke English."
They landed in the year they were born, 1984, in Konohagakure. They road down the rode during the middle of a Tuesday. No one was around, so they went unnoticed until a man came out of a house.
"Hey, you two!" he shouted. "Who are you and what are you doing?" Naruto and Sasuke turned around to see a man they recognized as Kiba's father. He had an 80s style haircut and bell bottoms. They did their best to keep from laughing as he approached. "Are you from around here?"
"This is the place where we will be from," said Naruto. "And I know this room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters...oh, I thought we were singing. Anyway, you're clearly an Inuzuka, and I know this because you smell like you rolled around in your own shit."
"What?" Mr. Inuzuka looked confused.
"Oh, and your son," Sasuke said. "That boy will be a real fuck-up."
"I don't have a son."
"Is your wife pregnant?"
"Yes."
"If you have a son," said Naruto, "Name him Kiba. And if you have a daughter, name her Fah-Chay-Chay."
"What?"
Naruto and Sasuke fell off their Segways laughing.
"Why is that funny?" Mr. Inuzuka asked. "And you still haven't answered my question."
"What question?" Sasuke asked.
"Don't play dumb with me, boy."
"He's not playing," said Naruto. "He's being. But we'll answer. My name is Upton Oswald Goode, but folks call me Upton O. Because the only Oswald around is Cobblepot, and he's a freak. And this kid's an Uchiha."
"Sasuke," said Sasuke.
"That's the name of the baby the Uchihas just had," said Mr. Inuzuka. "Who are you really?"
"Uh, look over there," said Naruto. "It's Christopher Guest making out with Madonna while Jimi Hendrix is videotaping it!"
"Hey, everyone!" Mr. Inuzuk shouted. "Hendrix is back from the dead!"
Naruto and Sasuke snuck away while most of the village ran to where Naruto had pointed.
"Who knew everyone was such a fan?" Sasuke asked. "Hendrix was the fucking man, but he wasn't that great."
They stopped cruising so that Naruto could punch Sasuke and kick the shit out of him.
"Don't! You! Ever! Insult! Jimi! Fucking! Hendrix! In front of me! Believe it!"
"Hey, wait," said Sasuke. "This should be the Nara house."
"I have an idea," said Naruto. "Let's get Shikamaru and drop him down the stairs."
"That could kill him."
"Okay, we can do it carefully. We just want to damage his brain so that he's not so boring all the time."
"Oh, that's fine. Yeah, let's do it."
They climbed into the window and snuck upstairs. Mr. and Mrs. Nara were watching TV in the living room. Naruto and Sasuke went upstairs and took the baby out of his crib.
"He's so cute as a baby," said Sasuke. "Let's take him back to the present and show him."
"Let's not," said Naruto. They carefully carried Shikamaru to the stairs. "All right, count of three."
"Do we throw him on three or after three?" Sasuke asked.
"Let's throw him now," said Naruto. They dropped Shikamaru down the last four steps to the bottom, making sure he hit his head a few times. They then ran upstairs and traveled back into the time warp as Shikamaru started crying.
"What happened?" asked an uninterested Mr. Nara as he and his wife went to see the commotion.
"How'd Shikamaru get out of his crib and down the stairs?" asked Mrs. Nara. "Ah, who cares. He's putting us off Inspector Gadget. What a drag."
"Yeah, what a drag," said Mr. Nara as they left their infant son bawling at the bottom of the stairs. "Shut up!" Mr. Nara threw the remote control at his son.
meanwhile in the present
"And so, Mr. Nara," said the director during the script reading, "How is this scene supposed to make you feel?"
"Uh..." Shikamaru sat there drooling. Ino leaned over and wiped his mouth. "I don't know how the scene's supposed to make me feel," Shikamaru said. "Can I be excused? I have to go to the bathroom."
"Hurry it up, if you don't mind," said the director.
As he stood up from his chair, Shikamaru managed to trip on nothing.
"Never mind," he said as he got back in his chair. "Just went."
"Would you at least change?" Chouji asked. "I don't want to have to stare at your pissy crotch all day."
"Fine," said Shikamaru. "This is such a...a..."
"Drag?" Ino finished.
"Yeah, that." Shikmaru tripped on nothing again as he started walking home. "Where do I live again?"
"We're in your house, retard," said Ino. "You can't go anywhere and we take you to and from the studio."
"Sorry, I forgot," said Shikamaru. "Jesus." He tripped again as he walked up the stairs.
"I get the feeling he wasn't always like this," said the director.
"I get that same feeling," said Chouji. "It's like if something had or hadn't happened to him, he'd be a regular guy."
"I'm back," said Shikamaru as he walked down the stairs in his mother's underwear.
"Dear god," Ino groaned as she led him back up the stairs.
back to the past
"Oh, wow!" Naruto said. "Titan Nerd Studios! And it looks like it's Jeopardy time."
"Don't remind me," Charles groaned as he walked by. "The third game and I'm already sick of this bullshit."
"Let's find 002," said Sasuke. "I have an idea."
"What's that?"
"Let's pay him."
"To do what?"
"You'll see."
They found 002 reading a magazine in the backstage area.
"Hey, 002," said Sasuke. "I'm sure you know us. We'll pay you seventy dollars to answer as many questions as you can incorrectly."
"Thanks," said 002. "Are you two gonna stick around for the game?"
"Maybe a bit," said Naruto. They ran to the audience section and sat in the seats.
"And let's begin the game," Charles said with little interest. "Today we have 002, Sango, and CT Smith. I hate you all. Let's go to the Jeopardy board. The categories are: SHAZAM! (the correct answer to every question in that category, by the way, is Captain Marvel), WHAT COLOR IS THE PURPLE EGGPLANT, THREE LETTER WORDS, MEN NAMED ROBERT DE NIRO, THE MANY FUNCTIONS OF A PENCIL, and finally, ADVANCED ASTRONOMY. On second thought, let's make that PICTURES. Okay, Sango, you let me titty-fuck you, so you'll go first."
"I'm bored already," said Naruto.
"Yeah, let's go," Sasuke agreed. They left the studio and traveled back into their time warp.
"Hey, it's WWII," said Naruto. "Ya wanna stop and see?"
"No," said Sasuke. "Let's see if we can hit the crusades."
"No!" Naruto screamed. "I want to go to the Spanish-American War!"
"No, no, no!" Sasuke countered. "Look, if we turn here, we can go to the Napoleonic Wars."
They argued for a period as they tried to decide where they would go. They ended up on a mountain where Ash was carrying Gary.
"Goddammit, Naruto!" Sasuke said. "I told you to make that slight right in the Industrial Revolution!"
"Well, I could have if you didn't make that U-turn in the Great Depression!" Naruto argued.
"Yo, guys!" Ash called. "Naruto, Sasuke! Hey!"
"Oh, it's Ash and Gary," said Sasuke. "What's up? Gary, are you okay?"
"I fell and broke both forearms and both feet," said Gary, "So I'm the exact opposite of okay."
"When did that happen?" asked Naruto.
"About fifteen minutes ago in that cave back there," said Gary. "What's with the Segway?"
"It's my dad's," said Sasuke. "He's very nerdy."
"Why the present tense?" asked Ash. "I thought your parents were dead."
"No, I got a letter from them recently. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that these conjoined Segways and laptop are a fully functional time machine."
"Oh, that's perfect," said Gary. "You can go back to about twenty minutes before now and get me out of the cave and bring me here."
"That sounds like it would help you two a lot," said Sasuke. Naruto stepped off the machine while Sasuke traveled and returned with Gary from twenty minutes prior.
"Okay," said the present Gary. "About five minutes after the time Sasuke appeared and brought you here, you fall and become me."
"Got it," said the previous Gary. "Good thing Sasuke picked me up. Keeps the adventure moving."
"Say, would it be too much trouble to take me back?" present Gary asked. "I'm supposed to be injured in that cave."
"No problem," said Naruto.
"Oh, and new Gary," said present Gary. "Kick his ass. He threw me down a hill."
Naruto and Sasuke left with the injured Gary. They took him back to the cave and put him on the ground.
"So, you two are traveling through time," said Gary. "That sounds really fun."
"It is," said Naruto. "I don't know why people say not to mess with the past, though. The past is...I don't know what the past is."
"Yeah, well, I guess I'll see you later or something like that," said Gary. "Time travel is really weird."
"It is," said Sasuke. "Oh, before we go, name an important period in the world's history."
"The American Revolution."
"Thanks," said Naruto. He and Sasuke then took off into the time warp. "I can't wait to see the American Revolution. I'll finally get to see a head roll when the blade drops."
"No, that's the Russian Revolution," said Sasuke. "This is the one with Ulysses S Grant and company."
They arrived in Lexington. Men were hiding around town behind walls and in trees. British soldiers were marching around, looking for colonists. Naruto grabbed a musket and looked at it.
"Let's take it back as a souvenir," said Sasuke.
"No, let's leave it here," said Naruto. "I don't want it."
"Naruto, this is a real freakin' musket. Do you know how much we could sell this baby for?"
"I have an idea, but you and I don't need that kind of money. I'm still in the series, and you get paid royalties, plus you work in the post office."
"The hell with that, let's take it." He grabbed the musket and tried to wrench it out of Naruto's hands.
"We're leaving it here," said Naruto. He and Sasuke wrestled with the musket for a minute before they both dropped it, knocking back the trigger. Turns out there was a ball in there, and it went high up into the sky. The soldiers and the colonists both heard it and started shooting. Naruto and Sasuke ducked out of there as quickly as they could.
"We just started a war," said Sasuke. "Now the mystery is solved."
"Did America or Britain fire the Shot Heard Round the World?" Naruto said. "Neither. Two ninjas from the future did. That's weird."
"Time travel is weird," said Sasuke as they returned to his driveway. Sakura was sitting on his front porch reading a book and eating a slice of pizza.
"We're back, Sakura!" Naruto called.
"Oh, good," she said as she went up and hugged them. "How were your family reunions?"
Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other quizzically before remembering.
"Oh, yeah, that's why we went back in time," said Sasuke.
"You guys," Sakura groaned.
Sorry it took so long. I had a lot of ideas and had to root through them. Tune in next time for when they actually attend a family reunion!