Turnabout is Fair Play
Author: Neiths Arrow
Email: Mid Season 7
Spoilers: Everything up to Season 7
Pairing: Hint of J/S
Category: Action-Adventure / AU / Humor
Rating: PG13
Archive: TBD
Summary: The SGC has an interesting visitor and must thwart the efforts of an old foe.
Disclaimer: The following characters are fictitious. They, in no way, make a statement about any real persons – especially since I have made up the names, histories, interests, personalities, and experiences (fictional 'facts) to suit my needs (as authors tend to do). Any similarity to real persons is just that – a similarity. The personalities are based on characteristics of people in Stargateland. I don't own those characters by the way. I am not profiting from this story in any financial way. Please do not post this story without my consent.
Author's Note: I want to thank Diane for her work as a beta – not only did she correct my grammatical errors, but she gave me the confidence and encouragement to complete this story, which started in May 2005. Any negative feedback is strictly mine to bear, but I'll gladly share any positive feedback (hint).
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Scene 4 – Up to Speed
"OK. I know you guys didn't bring me /gestures/ here just to compare notes about television shows." He looked toward Sam and Daniel. "What's up?"
Daniel looked around before hesitantly answering, "Uh, obviously, we have some . . . similarities between our worlds if you know about Wormhole Extreme." Roc nodded. "Would you happen to remember a character named Loki?"
"Wasn't he the renegade Asgard who cloned O'Neill and tried to steal his DNA, but it was modified and the clone ended up being a . . . Mini Me O'Neill?" Multiple head nods confirmed his memory. "Nope, don't remember anything about him." He grinned at his own joke.
Thor's reedy voice continued, "He has escaped from our facility and we discovered that he plans to kidnap you. He wishes to steal your DNA in order to create a more biologically stable Asgard clone."
"Ah!" Flanders frowned in distaste. Samantha was just about to help him by explaining what this would mean when she was surprised by his next statement. "How do you know that I'm not already a clone of the original Flanders?" There was silence as the group pondered this possibility. In the past, when Loki 'borrowed' humans for his experiments, he replaced the original human with an identical clone.
With the patience used toward small children, Thor responded, "I scanned you for that reason when you first arrived here, Flanders. You are not a clone."
"Please, call me Roc."
"Don't bother. I've been trying to have him call me Jack for years."
Thor ignored both comments. "We need your cooperation to capture Loki."
Flanders quickly responded, "Sure, what do I need to do?"
Scene 5 – The Plan
When they got to the part about Colonel O'Neill swapping places with Flanders, Roc gave a rich, hearty laugh. "You think he's going to pass for me?"
O'Neill had a hurt look on his face as he saw the agreement flash through the faces around him. Major Carter avoided his gaze. He indignantly replied, "I've infiltrated many places and assumed the identity of individuals in far more dangerous positions than a . . . /gestures with undisguised disgust/ . . . soft actor could possibly imagine."
Roc raised his eyebrows and mouthed a silent, 'Oh!' at the challenge. "Have you ever appeared on national television with a talk-show host asking about your sex life . . . and whether you've cheated on your wife with your male costar?" He paused for effect and wasn't disappointed by O'Neill's appalled expression. "Have you ever ridden 200 miles on a bicycle? Have you ever had to act . . . like . . . yourself in front of a camera?" He paused and dismissed his last statement with his hand. "Bad example." Sam and Daniel barely hid their amusement at the familiar mannerisms.
"For crying out loud! It's just a couple of days. How bad can it be?"
Roc grinned. "You think you lead an active life. I have a double century . . . uh . . . a 200-mile cycling event the day after tomorrow. After driving all night to get home, I get a partial night's sleep. Then I hop a plane to Vancouver to meet up with my trailer for a multi-day, location shoot.
Thor piped in, "Please explain 'location shoot.'"
Flanders's grin widened, "We're in the middle of filming or shooting Stargate SG-1 in a remote area. We get to rough it in a trailer on location for a couple of days. I sorta, kinda need to be there or there won't be an O'Neill on SG-1." He paused for effect and sniffed. "Yeah! There's an episode coming up where O'Neill gets to kiss Sam on the . . . Prometheus." They all looked toward Sam; she appeared decidedly uncomfortable. Hammond's eyes blazed for an explanation.
Daniel pursed his eyebrows in puzzlement. "I thought you said the episodes were from events that have already happened in our reality."
"Indeed Daniel Jackson. I do not remember such an incident." Teal'c looked intently at his female teammate.
O'Neill piped in quickly with a nervous look toward Hammond, "Neither do I! Carter? Care to explain? I wasn't even on the Prometheus "
The embarrassed Major looked to General Hammond with wide, pleading eyes. "Sir, we don't have much time. If Flanders isn't available to abduct, Loki may go to another alternate reality. We need to act quickly."
As much as Hammond wanted to pursue the line of questioning, they had a mission to complete. He responded with a reluctant sigh, "I agree with Major Carter."
"As do I." The little alien tried to restore order to the meeting. "Colonel O'Neill, do you think you will be able to take the place of Mister Flanders?"
Roc exclaimed, "Aaack! Please don't call me that. It makes me feel like Ned on The Simpsons!"
O'Neill grinned with satisfaction and punched his fist into the air. "Yesssss!" He responded to the startled looks of his teammates. "Hey! He can't be all that bad if he watches The Simpsons." He stood in silent reflection of his favorite television cartoon, but then realized all eyes were on him. "What?"
Hammond rephrased Thor's question. "Colonel, do you think you can pull this off?"
"Sir, though I have every confidence that I can act like Flanders, I can't cycle for 200 miles. I don't even own a bicycle anymore." He turned to Flanders. "Do you have to ride 200 miles?"
Flanders couldn't resist. "We soft actors need to stay in shape somehow."
Thor interrupted the gloating and corresponding look of disgust. "O'Neill. If Loki is to abduct Flanders, he will have been studying his movements for some time. Loki will become suspicious if Flanders is suddenly unable to bicycle such a distance." The grey alien paused in thought. "O'Neill, I can enhance your athletic ability to allow you to complete the race."
Roc indignantly interjected, "Hey! That's called doping and it's illegal. I don't want to be implicated in such a scandal. It could ruin my reputation as an athlete. Besides, I've been training for this event for three months."
"I thought you said you were an actor." Daniel asked curiously.
Roc responded with tongue-in-cheek amusement. "Acting is just my day job. I'm really an athlete." No one seemed to get the irony of this statement and attention was shifted back to the mission.
Sam looked concerned and doubtful. "Thor, what if Colonel O'Neill can't do this?"
Thor thought for a moment. He raised his crooked index finger. "There is another option. However, I suggest that Colonel O'Neill prepare as much as possible to act like Flanders."
Jack turned to the actor and smugly smirked. "I guess it's only fitting that I act like you. After all, turnabout is fair play." He rocked slowly back and forth on his feet in delight at his own joke.
During this exchange Major Carter's jaw tensed in thought. With wide, expressive eyes, she spontaneously interrupted her CO's revelry. "Thor, in the past we encountered a race of beings who were able to conceal their true image by using . . . technology which . . . basically acted like a photocopier." She turned to General Hammond. "Sir, if we could retrieve the mimicking devices, we could accompany Flanders without drawing attention to ourselves."
The General raised his head in question to the grey alien. "Thor?"
"General Hammond, I am unfamiliar with this technology. It may not be able to deceive Asgard sensors." Major Carter looked downcast. "However, I am sure it can be modified to do so." The men in the room were secretly and uncomfortably pleased by the grin that lit up the pretty Major's face.
General Hammond snapped his attention back to the subject. "Good. Major, make sure we get those devices from Area 51 quickly."
"Yes sir." She replied, as she immediately started to back out of the room.
The occupants of the room were surprised when the actor interrupted. "Wait! If I remember correctly, those thingies made you look like other members of the SGC."
Teal'c volunteered. "That is correct, Rocco Flanders. The remaining devices will duplicate Major Davis, Daniel Jackson, and . . . ."
Roc raised his hand to stop the Jaffa and scrunched his face in familiar O'Neill skepticism. "That's all we need – another Daniel Jackson. Look, it's going to be hard enough being incognito with me present. If I travel anywhere with someone who looks like Daniel Jackson or any other member of the cast, the fans are going to be all over us." Daniel cocked his head in confusion. "To borrow an expression – For crying out loud! We're on a popular television show and the lady fans are very excited to meet Denny . . . and, and . . . sometimes me." His face colored noticeably in shyness. The members of the team, who were used to traveling anonymously in public, were stunned by this revelation.
Sam recovered quickly. "Thor, do you think you could change the image to look like someone else who isn't such an integral part of SG-1? For instance, could you make one of the images look like . . ." she stood up and walked to the large window that overlooked the gateroom. She pointed down and continued, ". . . Airman Steele?" Roc got up to stand with Sam at the window. She was pointing to a technician who stood next to Sgt. Siler; the technician was in the process of handing a large wrench to Siler.
Roc held his stomach and laughed aloud. "You mean you want to look like one of the directors?" He continued laughing at the stunned faces around the conference table.
Hammond broke the spell. "Airman Steele is a director?"
"Yeah, and Siler's a stunt coordinator. They like to make cameo appearances. Everyone around here is a double of either the cast or crew. If you're going to change the image, then you had better make it someone who isn't connected with the SGC."
"That's settled, then. Mr. Flanders will need to approve of any image you and Thor choose, Major Carter." He looked up at the assembled group. "We'll discuss this matter further at oh nine hundred hours tomorrow. Dismissed."
The dislocated actor raised his hand half way up and looked toward General Hammond, "Uh! I hate to spoil the party, but I have another 40 miles to ride before I can call it quits for today. General Hammond, will you allow me to ride by myself?"
"I'm sorry I can't allow that, son." Hammond grinned. "But I might just have the perfect riding partner for you."
Scene 6 – Getting to know you
Siler looked nervously toward the spitting image of the SGC's 2IC. He was told he would cycle with this man, who is supposedly not Colonel O'Neill. As the peridot-clad cyclist approached the Sergeant, he had a big grin on his face. "Hey Siler. Where's your big wrench?"
"Excuse me? . . . Sir?" He was puzzled by the question and frowned seriously.
The actor waved his hand in dismissal. "Never mind." Flanders shook his head a couple times and grinned at his private joke. "So! I didn't know you rode. Are you a serious cyclist?"
"When I can, sir."
"Seriously, Siler. I'm not Colonel O'Neill. My name is Rocco Flanders." He put on a friendly grin, "But you can just call me Roc. So what kind of bike do you have?"
Siler got an excited expression on his face – his eyes opened more widely. "It's right here in this storage room. I just bought it a couple of weeks ago." He opened the door in front of them, turned on the light, and paused in presentation of his pride and joy. "She's a Beauty!" With a wistful expression, he proceeded to extol on the virtues of his new bicycle. Roc nodded his head appreciatively and asked questions to encourage the suddenly talkative airman.
By the time they headed out of the mountain with both bicycles, the two men had bonded through their chosen sport. As they proceeded out the front gate, they were feeling each other out to assess the other's commitment, skill, and fitness level.
When they returned to the mountain hours later with Roc slightly in the lead, both men had wide and satisfied grins on their faces. They found they were compatible riders. The younger airman learned a number of tricks from the more seasoned actor. "You started distance riding when you were how old?" Flanders regaled him with tales of his cycling adventures while they walked their bicycles back into the SGC. After a refreshing shower and clean clothing, Siler asked the question that had been annoying him since he learned of his alternate career as an actor. "So, I'm just an actor?" He realized he might be insulting his new-found buddy, so he clarified, ". . . I mean. Uh! I'm not more . . . active?"
Roc put his head back and laughed. "Oh! I wouldn't say that. Your main job on the set of SG-1 is to coordinate all the stunts . . . and you still do some for me even though you've retired from full-time stunt work." He watched the Sergeant closely for his reaction.
For the first time that day, Siler's face broke into a broad grin. "Really!"
It was at this point that they ran into Daniel Jackson as he waited outside the locker room. The archeologist was dumbfounded by the blazing smile on Siler's face. "Uh! I've got him from here, Siler."
Siler's exuberant response of, "Yeth thir, Doctor Jackthon!" could be heard all the way down the hallway.
Daniel looked at Roc curiously. "How'd you do that?"
"What?"